Young Writers Society

All I could see was a blur of colour whizzing by me. I could hear only the crunching of the dead leaves beneath my feet and the wind howling in my ears as I sped along the overgrown trail in the forest, dodging between trees to reach my goal. My hair, caught in the wind, flowed behind me like a billowing cape. Only one was thing on my mind, I had to retrieve the Cherry Code.

The secret of my tribe, wrapped safely in a little scroll made of old parchment and covered in ancient magic. I had to get to it before he did. If he were to read the Cherry Code he would know everything about us. Just that reminder was enough to give my determination a boost and I ran faster. I still hadn't figured out who he was, but my gut feeling was that he wasn't someone who would want to help. The occasional bird sang it's soft melody, but I no longer had time to listen to what it had to say.

"Amiria!"I froze... "Amiria", I heard the voice again. This time it was only a whisper riding on the wind.

Breathing hard, I turned around and looked to see who was calling me. No one was there. Who could be calling me? No one is supposed to be here. I told myself. Silently I waited listening to the sound of my pounding heart and straining to hear the voice again. Five minutes passed and still nothing, slowly I turned back to continue on my journey with now another mystery to ponder on. The voice. Who did it belong to and why was it calling me?

I looked ahead at my goal, resting on the horizon was the Aloe Mansion. Just as in the tales, its towers kissed the clouds and the many walls seemed to hug the once green land it was sleeping on. It was a strange emerald colour and I could see a faint yellow mist wrapped around it like a blanket. My eyes strained to see even the tiniest detail. I was almost there. Yet something was wrong, I felt as if the leaves tossing in the crisp air were laughing at me instead of cheering me on. A chill ran down my spine.

Then I saw him.

Hello there and welcome to YWS!
So....

A blur of colour whizzing by me, the leaves crunching under my feet as I sped along the old trail in the forest behind the abandoned mansion.

I think when you are narrating a story, try to tell it. These two sentences to me sound as if I'm reading a checklist. Try to make them gripping.

The secret to my tribe was wrapped safely in a little scroll made of old parchment and covered in ancient magic,start new sentence here.) if anyone were to read the Cherry Code they would know everything about us, the Tribe of the Running Waters,(new sentence)

Be careful not to overuse the comma.

"Amiria!"I froze..... "Amiria", I heard the voice again. It was only a whisper riding on the wind. (Start a new paragraph here)Breathing hard I turned around and looked to see who was calling me. No one was there, silently I waited. 5,10,20 minutes passed and still nothing, I turned back to continue on my journey with now another mystery in my mind, the voice...who did it belong to and why was it calling me?

Generally, I think your narrating needs a lot of work. However, this is an interesting story. I have a feeling it's going to manifest into something really good. So keep working on it.
Good luck

Dear ziggiefred,
Thank you so much! Your review really helped and I hope that the corrections that I have now made help the story to be more gripping. I would love it if you were to also be one of the people to reveiw the rest of my story as I post up the next chapters. I was thinking about making "The Cherry Code" book 1 in a series, what are your thoughts on that?
Regards
~Missy~

Hey Missy
I'm glad I could help. The edited version is sooo much better, especially the first paragraph. I would more than happy to read the upcoming chapters. Now that you've edited this first bit, I genuinely want to read more. When you say making into a series, do you mean like a Harry Potter kind of story?

Yes and no. I was thinking more like a Lord of the Rings story, with the same main objective and the different stages of achieving that objective change slightly in each book but is all still linked together.

I actually wrote this review this morning, but then my computer crashed! But let me get to the review for a second time. Some of it might not apply to the edited version, and if so I apologize.

Hi there! And welcome. Canislupis, JM extraordinaire, at your service. Anyhow, I like this piece--just a few suggestions I have. I think I'm going to go through line by line, k?

A blur of colour whizzing by me, the leaves crunching under my feet as I sped along the old trail in the forest behind the abandoned mansion. My hair flowing behind me like a long back silky cape, caught in the wind. Only one thing on my mind, I had to get the Cherry Code.

First sentence: This is what we call a dangling participle. (Yikes, grammar.) Basically, you need to follow the "ing" opener with whatever is doing the 'inging' So, the sentence could be: "A blur of colour whizzed by me, the leaves chrunching...." or "A blur of colour whizzing by me, I sped along the old trail...."

Then, in the second sentence you have the same problem. "My hair flowed behind me...."

Third: "There was only one thing on my mind..."

Good opener, once you fix the grammar. Could be a bit more vivid and dramatic, but that's what second drafts are for. I'm curious. What is this Cherry Code? It sounds a bit like some kind of candy to me, actually.

The secret to my tribe was wrapped safely in a little scroll made of old parchment and covered in ancient magic, if anyone were to read the Cherry Code they would know everything about us, the Tribe of the Running Waters, a tribe said to be lost hundreds of years ago. Just the thought an outsider knowing everything about us was enough to give my determanation a boost and I ran faster. I could only hear the wind in my ears and the crunching of dry leaves beneath my feet and the ocassional bird singing it's soft melody, but I no longer had time to listen to what it had to say.

Ah. So now we know that a)the Cherry code is not a candy, but the secrets of her race, which the rest of the world forgot about, and b) that there is some crisis to make her have to go after it.

I love your idea here--It really makes me want to keep reading. The only problem? This is an info drop. We don't want to be TOLD about her race, because really who thinks about themselves this way? Do you? I don't think so, and therefore this is the author talking and it distracts from the story.

"its" no apostrophe. And you already mentioned crunchy leaves. Find something else to describe?

"Amiria!"I froze..... "Amiria" I heard the voice again, it was only a whisper riding on the wind. Breathing hard I turned around and looked to see who was calling me. No one was there, silently I waited. 5,10,20 minutes passed and still nothing, I turned back to continue on my journey with now another mystery in my mind, the voice...who did it belong to and why was it calling me?

Should be, "I heard the voice again, only a whisper riding on the wind. Breathing hard, I turned around to see who was calling me. Now one was there. Silently, I waited. Five, ten, twenty minutes passed and still, nothing. I turned back to continue on my journey with another mystery in my mind. The voice... whom did it belong to, and why was it calling me?"

Incidentally, who waits for twenty minutes for a voice they're not even sure they heard? It seemed to me like she was pretty devoted to her cause, so why give up so quickly?

looked ahead at my goal, resting on the horizon was the Aloe Mansion, legend has it that before the World War 1 had even come into thought, the King of the Tribe of the Running Waters had built the Aloe Mansion by using the roots of Aloe plants and a form of ancient magic. The only purpose of the mansion was to keep The Cherry Code safe and hidden from the rest of the world. But now it seemed like it was all crumbling down and our Tribe was about to be lost forever.

"ahead at my goal. Resting on the horizon as the Aloe Mansion [Aloe is a kind of cactus. What?]. Legend has it that before the first World War had even come into thought, the King of the Tribe of Running Waters had built the Aloe mansion by using the roots of Aloe plants [ah. But do they even have accessible roots?] and a form of ancient magic. The only purpose of the mansion was to keep the Cherry Code safe. But now it seemed like it was all crumbling down, and we would be lost forever."

Ok, so I like this idea, but it's another info drop. Basically, you're starting the story in a time of desperate action. You don't want it bogged down with unnenecessary background info.


Wow, it's over! That was short. Did you intend for this to be a type of prologue? If so, then I'd definitely get rid of all that extra info. Give us readers some credit--we can figure out a lot of stuff on our own.

Anyway, I'm excited to read more of this and/or read any edits you do, so send me quick PM! Also if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask.

See you around!

Lupis

Hi sister,
I saw some things that I would change.

I could hear only the crunching of the dying leaves beneath my feet and the wind howling in my ears as I sped along the old trail in the forest behind the abandoned mansion.

Dead leaves are much crunchier then ones that are still dying.

Though now it seemed as if it were all crumbling down and our Tribe was about to be lost forever.

How would the tribe be lost forever if someone found the Cherry Code?
Besides that, it is a great piece of writing!
I can't wait for chapter 2!
Felix Windbow

Lupis,
What I haven't clarified, but what you will find out later in the story is that this "Prologue" is actually a snippet of a different chapter so with that in mind I am going to re-edit this to fit. When you read the first chapter of this story I think you will be able to have a better grasp as to why she says what she does about her tribe. You must remember that this is a part of a later chapter in the book so it will make better sense as we progress. This form of prologue is supposed to be shortish and gripping as to captivate the reader and leave them wanting more.
Thanks for the comments, I am going to change the suggested parts now! Please read Chapter one and tell me what you think!

To my darling Little brother Felix,
Dead leaves, got it
I will explain everything in later chapters then maybe you will understand!

Hi, Missy. Here as requested.

I could hear only the crunching of the dead leaves beneath my feet and the wind howling in my ears as I sped along the old trail in the forest behind the abandoned mansion.

Though this sentence is very descriptive, I feel like you're over doing it. The sentence is too long. Also, maybe you could describe the trail and the mansion. What did the trail feel like? Was it bumpy, beaten down by years of being trampled on. And maybe you can describe what the abandoned mansion looks like.

My hair flowed behind me like a long back silky cape, caught in the wind.

Again I felt this sentence had too many adjectives. Just tone it down a bit. White it's good to be descriptive, don't over do or you annoy or bore your readers. I think you just need two adjectives instead of three to make it sound better. On the other hand, I like the comparison of her hair to the cape. So good job with that.

Just the thought an outsider knowing everything about us was enough to give my determanation a boost and I ran faster.

Don't you mean thought of an...?

"Amiria!"I froze... "Amiria", I heard the voice again. It was only a whisper riding on the wind.

This would be a good opputunity to show us what Amiria is feeling. You could describe how fast her heart was beating, her back becoming rigid in fear, something like that.

Though now it seemed as if it were all crumbling down and our Tribe was about to be lost forever.

II think you could make this ending more powerful. For example you could say, “Though now it seemed as if it were all crumbling down along with the hopes of survival for our Tribe." Maybe something like that to make the ending bold and foreshadowing, making your readers want more.

Overall: I really like this. The plot is very interesting. I can't wait to find out more about Amiria, the Tribe, and the Cherry Code. That being said, I can't help but feel the tone was detached. We didn't get to know very much about Amiria and her feelings. Also, you gave a few info dumps, especially in the second paragraph. Remember show don't tell. Showing is describing and telling is basically summarizing, which if used too much can get boring. Your descriptions could also use a little work. In some places, you were too descriptive and some places lacked description. Try to use all 5 senses. Despite all this, I believe you are on the right track. With a little work, you will greatly improve. Good luck with your writing and PM me if you have any questions or concerns.

Hey Blue! hope the re-edited version is better!
Regards
~Missy~

Hi BlondieMissiAngel

Just that reminder was enough to give my determanation a boost and I ran faster

It is spelled determination

The ocassional bird sang it's soft melody

It is spelled occasional.

My eyes strained to see even the tinest detail.

she was looking for the tinest detail? Or the tiniest detail

Who could be calling me?

It should be Whom

If he were to read the Cherry Code he would know everything about us.

Put a comma after Code.
Other than that, it has improved greatly. Well done!

To my brother,
whilst telling me the errors that Microsoft Word has found helps ME, it won't help you. look through to find mistakes YOU see then make sure that they are really mistakes with Mico.Word. This way we both win.
Thanks you Word for the corrections!
Regards
~Missy~

BlondieMissyAngel wrote:All I could see was a blur of colour whizzing by me. I could hear only the crunching of the dead leaves beneath my feet and the wind howling in my ears as I sped along the overgrown trail in the forest, dodging between trees to reach my goal 'destination'would sound better. My hair flowed behind me like a long cape, caught in the wind. This sentence is odd, because it doesn't add anything, and sort-of slightly describes the MC's hair, something you wouldn't do in first-person. But if you must have it, it may sound better this way: My hair, caught in the wind, flowed behind me as I ran. But that's just a suggestion. Only one thing was on my mind: I had to get the Cherry Code.

It was the secret to of my tribe, wrapped safely in a little scroll made of old parchment and covered in ancient magic. I had to get to it before he did. If he were to read the Cherry Code he would know everything about us. Just that reminder was enough to give my determanation a boost and I ran faster. The ocassionaloccasional bird sang it's soft melody, but I no longer had time to listen to what it had to say.

"Amiria!" I froze... Use a full stop instead of an ellipsis. "Amiria..." I heard the voice again; this time it was only a whisper riding on the wind.

Breathing hard, I turned around and looked to see who was calling me. No one was there. Who could be calling me? No one is supposed to be here, I askedtold (the first sentence was a question, but the second was not) myself. Silently I waited, listening to the sound of my pounding heart and straining to hear the voice again. Five minutes passed and still nothing, slowly I turned back to continue on my journey with now another mystery What was the first mystery? in my mind. The voice. Who did it belong to and why was it calling me?

I looked ahead at my goal destination; resting on the horizon was the Aloe Mansion. Just as in the tales it's towers kissed the clouds and the many walls seemed to hug the once green land it was sleeping on. It was a strange Emerald Why is this capitalized? colour and I could see a faint yellow mist wrapped around it like a blanket. My eyes strained to see even the tinest detail. I was almost there. Yet something was wrong, I felt as if the leaves tossing in the crisp air were laughing at me instead of cheering me on. A chill ran down my spine.

Then I saw him.

All in all, there wasn't much to nitpick here. This is a very interesting and well-written prologue, and I'm curious to know what happens next. To that end, I'll review Chapter One now.

Tiger

Tiger,
ok how's this new version? I added some things to it!
Let me know!

ITS ITS ITS ITS!!!!
.....I forgot. Oh well! It couldn't have been very important if I forgot.
Anyway, I liked it! It gave the impression of urgentness-ness and kind of draws you in, like in a 'keep reading and you'll figure out what the hell's going on' kind of way. I like that. That's the general idea with prologues ain't it?
You certainly achieved decency, but somehow it didn't seem like the sentences 'flowed' enough, I don't know how to else to explain it, they didn't quite fit together as much as they could have. but I liked your cliffhanger. Cliffhangers are awesome.
You may have a cookie.
Rite on.