Young Writers Society

Amiria!” Someone shouted in the distance.

I sighed, why couldn't I be alone for more than a few minutes?

“AMIRIA!" The voice of the woman was getting closer.

Ugh. "Over here!" I shouted back.

The overgrown rose bushes moved as Emmie's white elongated hands shoved their way through the mess of branches, flowers and leaves. Why couldn't she have just gone through the gap instead of creating a new one? I thought, bemused and annoyed. Only five feet away from where Emmie's hands now pushed and shoved the branches out of her way lay a gap about three feet wide set in between two rose bushes.I smiled to myself at the thought of Emmie’s new scrapes that she was surely receiving from the sharp ends of many thorns hidden well in my rose wall.

Finally she was inside my little safe haven, my quiet place. Well it was supposed to be, anyway.

"May I help you?" I asked as politely as I could, silently laughing to myself at the sight of Emmie

Her hair, which was usually brushed back into a perfect pony-tail, was now all over the place and her face that was usually smirking at a small flaw unknown to the person who had it, was now twisted into a grimace. Her lips silently cursing as she viewed the new tears in her emerald green dress and the ruby red scratches covering her pale arms. Behind her legs peeked a little boy,; her son Apiatan.

"Yes, you CAN help me!" She said glaring.

I waited for her to go on, but she said nothing. “Well?” It was my turn to be annoyed.

“Don’t you take that tone with me little girl!” She shouted.

Slowly I stood up, I was nearly seventeen and I was also the heir to the position of Chief of our Tribe. I was no longer a “little girl”. It took all my self-restraint not to yell back at her. Although I was next in line to be Chief, I was not chief yet and she was an elder.

“I’m very sorry Emmie, how can I help you?” I asked, trying to keep the sarcasm in my voice to a minimum.

“Well,” she started to say, looking more pleased with my attitude and the smirk slowly returning to her face, “Actually, I don’t need your help… your grandfather requests to see you immediately!” The smirk now complete and her eyes filled with mischief.

My Grandfather was Chief Canowicate, he had raised me after my Mother and Father were mauled on a hunting trip when I was only one year old.

I lost my smile as soon as she said this. My Grandfather only ever summoned me if there was bad news that I needed to know about, being the next in line for Chief. My gut was telling me that this was no exception.

“Did he happen to say what he needed to see me about?” I asked hesitantly knowing that if it was good news he would have told Emmie.

Emmie’s face turned sour again, “no, he didn't,” she said disgruntled,“When I asked, all he said was that he needed to see you immediately and that I should ask no more questions. He was quite rude!” She barely muttered the last sentence and if it wasn’t for my keen ears I probably wouldn’t have heard her. I gave her a look that clearly read watch your toungue! I turned towards the gap motioning for her to come with me.

We travelled in silence along the forest floor making hardly a noise as we trod lightly across the fallen leaves. It was the middle of autumn and the air was crisp and had a small sting as it blew against my face. I didn't know what my Grandfather wanted to see me about...what could be so bad that he would summon me this way and not even tell Emmie? I wondered. In the background I heard Apiatan softly asking his mommy to carry him because his feet hurt, I listened to Emmie sigh and pause to pick him up. I kept walking, determined to get to my Grandfather. Fear flowing swiftly in my veins.

After thirty minutes of walking we made it to our little village, located in the middle of the forest that was now painted red and orange and yellow with the occasional splash of green. Even though our village was small, what it lacked in size was made up for in beauty. We were situated in the middle of a grand clearing. Apple trees now full of blood red apples, acted as a wall around us on the east and west side of the village. A large cave rested on the south side. A shining river sprawled out to the North. Each family had a cabin made of sandy brown logs with a wooden door frame and a magnificent wooden door. There were only two cabins that was different from the others. My cabin was made of darker wood and had a stone doorway and a beautiful stone door. My Grandfather lived in the Chiefs cabin, similar to my own but Ivy was draped over and around the cabin, adding to it's winsomeness.

I made my way to my cabin to change out of my mahogany dress and into something more fitting for a formal visit to the chief. Before I could set one foot inside however, Emmie’s ice cold hand grabbed my arm. I turned to demand that she release me but the look on her face made me bite my tongue.

It was not a cruel look, but a look of panic. “There’s not enough time for that Amiria.” She whispered looking at my Grandfathers cabin.

I turned my gaze to where she was looking and saw the tribes nurse rushing through the open doorway. I stopped breathing.

Slowly, as if I were in a dream, I walked to the Chiefs Cabin. “Grandfather?” I called softly.

“Ahh Amiria,” He sounded ill and sad.

Nervously I poked my head around the doorway and sighed as I saw that the nurse was not tending to my Grandfather, but to a small child who was coughing on the other side of the room. Canowicakte got up from his chair and smiled at me walking to me with his arms open. I walked over to give him a hug and heard the disapproving grunt from Emmie who was standing in the doorway now.

Canowicakte looked up at her and said with a faint smile, "do you have a problem with the way I greet my own Granddaughter Em?” I could tell he was amused.

Emmie looked a bit flustered at being asked such a question.

“Why, not at all!” she exclaimed, her voice, I noticed, had gone an octave higher and she refused to look my Grandfather in the eye.

I smiled, “so Grandfather, tell me, what is the meaning of my summoning?” I questioned pulling away and looking him in the eye.

“Ahh...” He sighed and looked away. “I have had a vision my dear.”

At this point Emmie left us as did the nurse and the little boy, as if those words were a signal they had been waiting for. He walked over to his old rocking chair and slowly sat down. I gulped as a wave of fear crashed upon me. A chill scrambled down my spine and I shivered, trying to regain control of my senses. My mind raced trying to decode on my own what he had seen. Ashe light his pipe, we were silent for a few minutes then he motioned to me to sit down.

When I had seated myself on the stool in front of him he began.

“I am sure you have heard the legend of the Aloe Mansion and the Cherry Code.”

I nodded; I had heard the old bedtime story more than once.

“What did you gather from it?” he asked looking at me quizzically.

“Well...” I was unsure of how to explain, “I didn’t really gather much from it. I mean, it’s only a bedtime story. Set before World War 1 even came into thought, about an Old Chief who built a mansion out of the roots of Aloe plants to keep the Cherry Code safe and hidden from outsiders. For it was his fathers' final wish as the chief before him."

“What did you find the Cherry Code to be in this story?” His eyes were soft and his voice was matching.

Wondering what he was getting at I sighed again and said, “The Cherry Code was said to be the secret to our tribe. Anyone who read it would know everything about our past, present and future.”

He was silent for a long time, then finally he spoke, .

“Amiria, the Legend of the Aloe Mansion and the Cherry Code is neither a bedtime story nor even a legend, it is simply, a story. A fact if I may. My vision was about both. An outsider is going to steal the Cherry Code.” He looked at me with sad eyes and sighed,”Amiria, do you realise how dangerous that would be? To have an outsider know everything about a Tribe said to be lost hundreds of years ago.”?

I went white, I knew what would happen. It wasn’t good. We would be destroyed.

My Grandfather began to retell the fable, “In the days of our forefathers, the Tribe of Running Waters was not a gentle tribe as the name suggested, the name was a miss-lead to make other people trade with us. After gaining the trust of the other tribes the Tribe of Running Waters would raid said tribe in the middle of the night and kill everyone save the babies who they would bring back to become a part of our tribe.

Because of this The Tribe or Running Waters were classified as outlaws and hunted by many. So they were forced to retreat deep into the forest. One day a wandering tribesman from the Eagle of Shining Mountain tribe stumbled upon the Tribe of Running Waters dwelling place and made his way out undetected. He ran to his tribe to share what he had found. One week later The Tribe of Running Waters was attacked and only the chief and his wife and son were able to survive; they fled with the Cherry Code and started to rebuild the tribe, unknown to the others.

The chief and his son would go under the cover of the night and kidnap women and the occasional man and child to be a part of the Tribe they were rebuilding. The chief became old and before he died he asked his son to build a temple for the Cherry Code to keep it safe. His son agreed and watched as his father passed into the afterlife. He stood up, now the chief of the tribe and walked outside to tell his wife what had happened. His first act as chief was that of building a Mansion made of Aloe roots and Ancient magic to keep the Cherry Code hidden.

Guarded by the magic and many traps, puzzles and mazes the Cherry Code lay. Hidden deep inside the Aloe Mansion on the edge of the forest.” Here he stopped and I knew that the story was finished. I looked into his eyes and he nodded and placed his pipe back into his mouth.

Drawing in a deep breath I asked, “What am I to do?” Surely he had called me because he wanted me to do something about it.

Looking up slowly he said,” Amiria, I want...no, I need you to go retrieve the Cherry Code and bring it back to me. It needs a new hiding place and I have located such a place for it.”

So this was the reason for the summoning, a mission. My palms grew clammy, my heart picked up speed and I tried to think of any reason that I shouldn't go do this. As I racked my brain looking for a good excuse I realised the unfortunate truth, there was no such excuse to found. I needed to do this for my Tribe. I needed to do what no one had ever thought of doing before.

I needed to find the Cherry Code.

Wow, that was fast. I didn't expect you to post 2 things aready. It was really good, and I enjoyed it alot. My question is, Is it a native american tribe? Is it a tribe from south africa? If so, why is the chief the only one with the traditional name? Also, Instead of saying kidnapping women and the occasional man and children, I think it would be better if you said occational man and child, but just a thought. Otherwise, I really liked it. Keep writing!

Hehe thanks Sakura!
GREAT idea about the men and children! I'll fix it right away! When i was writing that bit it didn't sound the way I wanted it to so i was really hopeing someone would comment on that XD
The Chief isn't the only one with a traditional name, if you look closely,Emmie's son is named Apiatan, this is also a native american name which is an answer to your question "is the tribe Native American or a South African one" it is Native American, I did this so that the names would be a little easier to pronounce and WAY easier to spell!
Also as I introduce new people into the story I will be using more traditional names, ie the little boy who was sick when Amiria went to see her Grandfather is going to re-appear later in the story and progress into a main. He will have a tribal name. The reason for the names Amiria and Emmie is that I had already chosen those names for people in my story and I had already made up who they were going to be. When I decided that they were going to be in a Native American tribe I played around with new names for Emmie but none where what I wanted. You'll get to know more about Amiria's name and it's meaning later on in the story!
Regards
~Missy~

Hi sis.
I loved it! full of drama. a thesorous could be used to brighten up the story...
otherwise, nice work!
your bro, Felix Windbow

Hey, again, Missy. Here as requested.

I thought bemused and annoyed as I looked no more than 5 feet to the right of where Emmie's hands now pushed and shoved the bushes out of her way, to a gap about 3 feet wide that was set in between two rose bushes.

Technically, Emmie isn't pushing the bushes ashude, but their branches. Also, when writing fiction you spell numbers out.

Her hair which was usually brushed back into a perfect pony-tail, was now all over the place and her face that usually was smirking at an small flaw unknown to the person who had it, was now twisted into a grimace her lips silently cursing as she viewed the new tears in her emerald green dress and the red scratches covering her pale arms.

Ponytail should be one word. I noticed you used an in front of a constant. Only use an in front of vowels, use a in front of constants(y included) By the way the only time you can use a in front of a vowel is when a word begins with un like a unicorn. Also place a comma after lips to separate it from the clause before it, otherwise, it is a run-on sentence.

Before I could set one foot inside however, Emmie’s ice cold hand grabbed my arm.

I think the word icy would sound better in place of icy.

After 30 minutes of walking we made it to our little village, located in the middle of the forest that was now painted red and orange and yellow with the occasional splash of green.

Remember to spell out your numbers. Also, I feel you could describe the village better. What do their houses look like? Do they live in huts or tents, both? what dioes the village smell like? What does it sound like Or there people always crowding the streets or does the place seemed abandoned? Just try to remember to use all 5 senses.

Canowicakte looked up at her and said with a faint smile,” Do you have a problem with the way i greet my own grand-daughter Em?”

Granddaughter should be one word. Also, i should be capitalized.

Ahh...” He sighed and looked away. “I have had a vision my dear.”

This would be a good opportunity to show us how Amiria reacts. Is she anxious and worried? To help you understand how she feels so your readers will understand, try to imagine if our grandfather told you this. How would you feel? I know I'd feel concerned and a little frightened.

I went white, I knew. It wasn’t good.

This would be a good opportunity to show us how Amiria feels. Maybe she could shows us how she feels by making her think of all the things that could happen if a stranger found the Cherry Code.

My Grandfather began to retell the tale

Those two words sound repetitive. I would suggest changing it to retell the story or legend.

Amiria, I want...no, I NEED you to go retrieve the Cherry Code and bring it back to me.

You don't need to put that word in CAPS, just italicize it.

So this was the reason for the summoning, a mission. I needed to do what no-one had ever thought of doing before. I needed to find the Cherry Code.

You don't need that dash. More importantly, I feel the ending could have been better. Again, you need to show the readers how Amiria feels when she finds this out. Is she excited, frightened, doubtful, anxious, what? Just something to think about.

Overall; I really like this. This chapter is better than the prologue. The readers get a better sense of how Amiria feels, so good job. There is a lot of action to keep the readers interested--especially at the end when Amiria discovers she has to go on a important mission. However, I feel your descriptions for the setting and Amiria's feelings are somewhat lacking. Work on these two things and your writing will greatly improve. Other than that, great job, and can't wait to read the next chapter. Keep writing and if you have any questions or concerns PM me~Blue.

Thanks for the review Blue!
Well I made some changes so tell me what you think!
Regards
~Missy~

Hello there Missy

"Amiria!” I sighed, why couldn't I be alone for more than a few minutes? I mean seriously! "AMIRIA!!!!!" ugh,"Over here!" I shouted back.

This is a dialogue right? Then separate the two characters talking.

The overgrown rose bushes moved as Emmie's white elongated hands shoved their way through the mess of branches,flowers and leaves why couldn't she have just used the door?(this sentence does not make sense. This is because the part in red should be it's own sentence.

"Yes, you CAN help me!" She said glaring. I waited for her to go on, but she said nothing. “Well?” It was my turn to be annoyed. “Don’t you take that tone with me little girl!!!” She shouted. Slowly I stood up, I was nearly 17 and I was also the heir to the position of Chief of our Tribe. I was no longer a “little girl”. It took all my self-restraint not to yell back at her. Although I was next in line to be Chief, I was not chief yet and she was and elder. “I’m very sorry Emmie, how can I help you?” I asked, trying to keep the sarcasm in my voice to a minimum. “Well,” she started to say, looking more pleased with my attitude and the smirk slowly returning to her face, “Actually, I don’t need your help… your grandfather requests to see you immediately!” The smirk now complete and her eyes filled with mischief. My Grandfather was Chief Canowicate, he had raised me after my Mother and Father were mauled on a hunting trip when I was only one year old.

This whole paragraph is all wrong. Like is said earlier, separate your character's speeches so that the reader can know who is talking. Also, I can be able to interact with the individual character's emotions.

So, this paragraph, would be like this

"Yes, you CAN help me!" She said glaring.

I waited for her to go on, but she said nothing. “Well?” It was my turn to be annoyed.

“Don’t you take that tone with me little girl!!!” She shouted.

Slowly I stood up, I was nearly 17 and I was also the heir to the position of Chief of our Tribe. I was no longer a “little girl”. It took all my self-restraint not to yell back at her. Although I was next in line to be Chief, I was not chief yet and she was and elder.

“I’m very sorry Emmie, how can I help you?” I asked, trying to keep the sarcasm in my voice to a minimum.

“Well,” she started to say, looking more pleased with my attitude and the smirk slowly returning to her face, “Actually, I don’t need your help… your grandfather requests to see you immediately!” The smirk now complete and her eyes filled with mischief.

My Grandfather was Chief Canowicate, he had raised me after my Mother and Father were mauled on a hunting trip when I was only one year old.

You seem to have crammed all you character's dialogue into one paragraph through out the story.
Another thing, you need to take care with your punctuation. Know when to use a comma and a full stop, or whatever is fitting at that point. Like I mentioned in the prologue, don't overuse the comma.

So this was the reason for the summoning, a mission. My palms grew clammy, my heart picked up speed and I tried to think of any reason that I shouldn't go do this. As I racked my brain looking for a good excuse I realised the unfortunate truth, there was no such excuse to found. I need to do this for my Tribe. I thought, I need to do what no one had ever thought of doing before. (I would leave out the 'I thought' in this sentence. The main character is already narrating, so we are already in her thoughts. You also need to take care of randomly italicising the MC's thoughts in between sentences. It makes the sentence seem informal.
I need to find the Cherry Code.

You have great storytelling skills, your vocabulary is wide but precise, which is good. Just take care of your punctuation and other grammatical errors.
Take this into consideration for your next chapters.
Good luck

Hey Ziggie!
Thank you so much! I was thinking that it all looked a bit mushed together I just wasn't sure as to what I could do to fix it!
Hope this edited version is better and makes more sence!

Hi I'm Regan! I'll be reviewing your peice!

BlondieMissyAngel wrote:"Amiria!” Someone shouted in the distance.

I sighed, why couldn't I be alone for more than a few minutes? I mean seriously! "That makes your peice sound really unprofessional in my oppinion. Get rid of it?

AMIRIA!!!!!" WOAHHHH there! You only need one !. It will get the point across just as well.The voice of the woman was getting closer.

ugh,"Over here!" I shouted back. Try:Ugh. "Over here!" I shouted back.

The overgrown rose bushes moved as Emmie's white elongated hands shoved their way through the mess of branches, flowers and leaves. Why couldn't she have just gone through the gap instead of creating a new one? I thought, bemused and annoyed as I looked no more than five feet to the right of where Emmie's hands now pushed and shoved the branches out of her way. I thought, bemused and annoyed. Only five feet away from where Emmie's hands now pushed and shoved the branched out of her way lay a gap about three feet wide set in between two rose bushes. There lay a gap about three feet wide that was set in between two of the rose bushes. get rid of this.I smiled to myself at the thought of Emmie’s new scrapes that she was surely receiving from the sharp ends of many thorns hidden well in my rose wall.

Finally she was inside my little safe haven, my quiet place. Well it was supposed to be, anyway.

"May I help you?" I asked as politely as I could, silently laughing to myself at the sight Emmie now was.of Emmie

Her hair, which was usually brushed back into a perfect pony-tail, was now all over the place and her face that usually waswas usually smirking at a small flaw unknown to the person who had it, was now twisted into a grimace. Her lips silently cursing as she viewed the new tears in her emerald green dress and the ruby red scratches covering her pale arms. Behind her legs peeked a little boy,; her son Apiatan.

"Yes, you CAN help me!" She said glaring.

I waited for her to go on, but she said nothing. “Well?” It was my turn to be annoyed.

“Don’t you take that tone with me little girl!!!”get rid of those. She shouted.

Slowly I stood up, I was nearly 17 and I was also the heir to the position of Chief of our Tribe. I was no longer a “little girl”. It took all my self-restraint not to yell back at her. Although I was next in line to be Chief, I was not chief yet and she was and elder.

“I’m very sorry Emmie, how can I help you?” I asked, trying to keep the sarcasm in my voice to a minimum. that's a new paragraph.

“Well,” she started to say, looking more pleased with my attitude and the smirk slowly returning to her face, “Actually, I don’t need your help… your grandfather requests to see you immediately!” The smirk now complete and her eyes filled with mischief.

My Grandfather was Chief Canowicate, he had raised me after my Mother and Father were mauled on a hunting trip when I was only one year old.

I lost my smile as soon as she said this. My Grandfather only ever summoned me if there was bad news that I needed to know about, being the next in line for Chief. My gut was telling me that this was no exception.

“Did he happen to say what he needed to see me about?” I asked hesitantly knowing that if it was good news he would would have toldtell Emmie.

Emmie’s face turned sour again, “Nono, he did notdidn't,” she said disgruntled, .“When I asked, all he said was that he needed to see you immediately and that I should ask no more questions. He was quite rude!” she Shebarely muttered the last sentence and if it wasn’t for my keen ears I probably wouldn’t have heard her. I gave her a look that clearly read “watch your tongue!” watch your tounge!and worried,that doesn't sound right there.I turned towards the door What door? I thought they were rose bushes! Do you mean the gap? motioning for her to come with me.

We travelled in silence along the forest floor making hardly a noise as we trod lightly across the fallen leaves. It was the middle of autumn and the air was crisp and had a small sting as it blew against my face. I didn't know what my Grandfather wanted to see me about...what could be so bad that he would summon me this way and not even tell Emmie? I wondered. In the background I heard Apiatan softly asking his mommy to carry him because his feet hurt, I listened to Emmie sigh and pause to pick him up. I kept walking. Fear flowing in my veins, determined to get to my Grandfather.

After thirty minutes of walking we made it to our little village, located in the middle of the forest that was now painted red and orange and yellow with the occasional splash of green.Even though our village was small, what it lacked in size was made up for in beauty. We were situated in the middle of a grand clearing. Apple trees now full of blood red apples, acted as a wall around us on the east and west side of the village. A large cave rested on the south side, it was the dwelling place of the chief. A shining river sprawled out to the North. Each family had a cabin made of sandy brown logs with a wooden door frame and a magnificent wooden door. There were only two cabins that was different from the other. My cabin was made of darker wood and had a stone door way doorwayand a beautiful stone door. My Grandfather lived in the Cheifs cabin, similar to my own but Ivy was draped over and around the cabin, adding to it's winsomeness.Is that even a word?

I made my way to my cabin to change out of my mahogany dress and into something more fitting for a formal visit to the chief. Before I could set one foot inside however, Emmie’s ice cold hand grabbed my arm. I turned to demand that she release me but the look on her face made me bite my tongue.

It was not a cruel look, but a look of panic. “There’s not enough time for that Amiria.” She whispered looking at my Grandfathers cabin.

I turned my gaze to where she was looking and saw the tribes nurse rushing through the open doorway. I stopped breathing.

Slowly, as if I were in a dream, I walked to the Chiefs Cabin. “Grandfather?” I called softly.

“Ahh Amiria,” He sounded ill and sad.

Nervously I poked my head around the doorway and sighed as I saw that the nurse was not tending to my Grandfather, but to a small child who was coughing on the other side of the room. Canowicakte got up from his chair and smiled at me walking to me with his arms open. I walked over to give him a hug and heard the disapproving grunt from Emmie who was standing in the doorway now.

Canowicakte looked up at her and said with a faint smile,” Do , "doyou have a problem with the way I greet my own Granddaughter Em?” I could tell he was amused.

Emmie looked a bit flustered at being asked such a question, .

“Why, not at all!” she exclaimed, her voice I noticed, had gone an octave higher and she refused to look my Grandfather in the eye.

I smiled, “Soso Grandfather, tell me, what is the meaning of my summoning?” I questioned pulling away and looking him in the eye.

“Ahh...” He sighed and looked away. “I have had a vision my dear.”

At this point Emmie left us as did the nurse and the little boy, as if those words were a signal they had been waiting for. He walked over to his old rocking chair and slowly sat down. I gulped as a wave of fear crashed upon me. A chill scrambled down my spine and I shivered, trying to regain control of my senses. My mind raced trying to decode on my own what he had seen. Ashe light his pipe, we were silent for a few minutes then he motioned to me to sit down.

When I had seated myself on the stool in front of him he began.

“I am sure you have heard the legend of the Aloe Mansion and the Cherry Code.”

I nodded; I had heard the old bedtime story more than once.

“What did you gather from it?” he asked looking at me quizzically.

“Well...” I was unsure of how to explain, “I didn’t really gather much from it. I mean, it’s only a bedtime story. Set, set before World War 1 even came into thought, about an Old Chief who built a mansion out of the roots of Aloe plants to keep the Cherry Code safe and hidden from outsiders as was his Fathers final wish as the Chief before him." for it was his fathers' final wish as the cheif before him."

“What did you find the Cherry Code to be in this story?” His eyes were soft and his voice was matching.

Wondering what he was getting at I sighed again and said, “The Cherry Code was said to be the secret to our tribe. Anyone who read it would know everything about our past, present and future.”

He was silent for a long time, then finally he spoke, .

“Amiria, the Legend of the Aloe Mansion and the Cherry Code is neither a bedtime story nor even a legend, it is simply, a story. A fact if I may. My vision was about both. An outsider is going to steal the Cherry Code.” He looked at me with sad eyes and sighed,”Amiria, do you realise how dangerous that would be? To have an outsider know everything about a Tribe said to be lost hundreds of years ago.”?

I went white, I knew.I knew my face went white, it wasn't good. It wasn’t good. We would be destroyed.

My Grandfather began to retell the fable, “In the days of our forefathers, the Tribe of Running Waters was not a gentle tribe as the name suggested, the name was a miss-lead to make other people trade with us. After gaining the trust of the other tribes the Tribe of Running Waters would raid said tribe in the middle of the night and kill everyone save the babies who they would bring back to become a part of our tribe.

Because of this The Tribe or Running Waters were classified as outlaws and hunted by many. So they were forced to retreat deep into the forest. One day a wandering tribesman from the Eagle of Shining Mountain tribe Why is this in italics? If it's just because it's a tribe, shouldn't all the tribes be italicized?stumbled upon the Tribe of Running Waters dwelling place and made his way out undetected. Running to his tribe to share what he had found.Try: He ran to his tribe to share what he had found. One week later The Tribe of Running Waters was attacked and only the chief and his wife and son were able to survive; they fled with the Cherry Code and started to rebuild the tribe, unknown to the others.

The chief and his son would go under the cover of the night and kidnap women and the occasional man and child to be a part of the Tribe they were rebuilding. The chief became old and before he died he asked his son to build a temple for the Cherry Code to keep it safe. His son agreed and watched as his father passed into the afterlife. He stood up, now the chief of the tribe and walked outside to tell his wife what had happened. His first act as chief was that of building a Mansion made of Aloe roots and Ancient magic to keep the Cherry Code hidden.

Guarded by the magic and many traps, puzzles and mazes the Cherry Code lay. Hidden deep inside the Aloe Mansion on the edge of the forest.” Here he stopped and I knew that the story was finished. I looked into his eyes and he nodded and placed his pipe back into his mouth.

Drawing in a deep breath I asked, “What am I to do?” surely Surelyhe had called me because he wanted me to do something about it.

Looking up slowly he said,” Amiria, I want...no, I need you to go retrieve the Cherry Code and bring it back to me. It needs a new hiding place and I have located such a place for it.”

So this was the reason for the summoning, a mission. My palms grew clammy, my heart picked up speed and I tried to think of any reason that I shouldn't go do this. As I racked my brain looking for a good excuse I realised the unfortunate truth, there was no such excuse to found. I needed to do this for my Tribe.I needed to do what no one had ever thought of doing before.
I needed to find the Cherry Code.

This is really good, keep it up! Would you PM me when you post the second chapter? Thanks!

It's a......thing. I respect the thing. Yes I do. =.=
Anyway, I like it. I like it awfully much. ^^ I can't think of anything to correct, so that must mean you're doing well.
Rite on.

Hi again! Just little old me

Opening

Your opening confuses me! It doesn't flow on from the prologue, but then I suppose that's why you made that part a prologue, to seperate it off. I see it's back in time. Well! Maybe start this chapter by setting the scene. Give us a quick description of where she is and what task she's about and then move on to the dialogue. That would make it clearer that she's elsewhere and since she's in a rose garden, tending flowers, they would realise there had to have been a passage of time immediately, without the paragraph or two of confusion before realisation dawns.

The plot/ The Tribe

I love the back story on this tribe. I was expecting that they'd be some sacred, peaceful people as is too often the case but your revelation that they were ruthless and devious is a brilliant one, very refreshing! I think, however that you could have made some of this more exciting. The thirty minute walk might have been detailed a little more, little snap-shots from the journey and the fear slowly building. Maybe you could give us her thoughts on what might be wrong. Also, why did Em bring the child? If this was an urgent matter, surely she would not have had the child along on a thirty minute walk as that would have surely slowed her down immensely! As it is, I don't understand why you didn't have your main character rush on ahead. Em is tired from the walk and the thorns, while your MC is fresh and frightened.

Grandfather

I'd have liked more description of the grandfather and his hut and his mannerisms. I think you should slow that scene down and why is the sick boy in grandfather's hut? Don't they have a sick hut? Give us some explanations and some details so that we really get to know how these people think and how they live.

Well that's all for noe but thanks for the read and like I said, I'll review some more after I've recovered from the review day rush!

Heather xxx

Hi Blondie!

I just wanted to say, a very good first chapter. I liked the way you ended it, it made me want to read more. I'm not good with punctuation so I cannot help you there, but there is one thing I would like to change (if I could) about this chapter.

You described what Emmie looked like very well. You made it clear they did not exactly like each other but she had to respect her. But what did her Grandfather look like? I would've like to be explained that, and I would've also liked to have known what his room would have been like and so on.

Also, (you don't need to put this in the story) but I was wondering what the nurse and the child was doing in the cheif's room??? I didn't exactly get that, but I understood the reassurance she felt when she found out he was in need of any medical help.

I don't have much else to correct, you have already started to explain what will happen in the story. Really interested to see what happens next!

Deanie x