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Racing to Death~Chapter Two



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Mon Nov 29, 2010 1:01 am
funkyreg101 says...



Spoiler! :
This is the second chapter of my novel Raching to Death. It changes the point of veiw so you're seeing what's going on back in Sami's house! Please comment!!! Enjoy :)


“Sweetie, it’s time to get up!” Heidi Arnold said, knocking on her daughter’s door. She waited for a response and sighed when she got none.

“Hun! You’ve got to get up! You don’t want to be late for school.” She paused again. “Sami?” She opened the door.

“Sami?” She repeated softly, shaking the lump in bed. She drew her hand back in shock. With a gasp, she threw back the comforter on the bed. In the place of Sami, there was a lump of pillows.

“Sami!” Heidi yelled. She looked around in despair.

“Tom! Tom where are you!?” She screamed. Her husband came running into the room, alarm written all over his face.

“What is it Heidi?” He asked her, grabbing her shoulders.

“Have you seen Sami? Please tell me you’ve seen her.”

“No, I haven’t, what the devil is going on?”

“Sami wasn’t in bed! I think she…” Heidi stopped abruptly, bursting into tears. She collapsed into Tom’s arms. He held her for only a moment, directed her onto his daughter’s bed, and then ran to grab a phone. He returned shortly with the wireless phone and Sami’s phonebook in his hand. He sat next to his weeping wife and rubbed her back to comfort her.

“Yes, hello? This is Tom, Sami’s father? Yes, I know it’s six a.m., but… Yes, you haven’t seen Sami have you..? No..? No... Thank you. I’ll call you if… when we find her… Thank you… Good bye.” He clicked off the phone and called the next name on the list. His wife had stopped crying and had grabbed her cell phone to help.

“That was the last person,” Heidi said solemnly.

“No,” he shook his head, “there’s one more person.” He picked up his phone again and dialed 9-1-1.

“Hello? My daughter has gone missing… No, it’s only been a few hours since we noticed she… But… no I understand, but she… She normally doesn’t just disappear! No! Ma’am I understand, but… Yes I do! This is an emergency... No, I do not want to fill out a missing person form... Fine!” He clicked off the phone and slammed it onto the bed.

“It hast to be at least thirty-eight hours before we do anything.”

“That’s insane! My little baby is out there somewhere right now!”

“I know.”

“Tom, what will we do?” She whispered.

“I don’t know,” he replied. Heidi looked at her husband. His eyebrows were laced together in concern. Glancing at the mirror hanging on the wall, she saw that her eyes were puffy and red, and her hair was sticking up in random places. She sighed and turned back to her husband, who pulled her into an embrace.
One day your prince will come... Mine? He took a wrong left turn, got lost, and is too stubburn to ask for directions.
  





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Mon Nov 29, 2010 2:00 am
narniafreak12 says...



Hi! Narniafreak here to review!

Well, I like that we get to see the "other side" so to speak, of the story. It lets the readers know that the real world is still going on as the children are fighting to the death. :) I also like her mom. I think you made her emotions and actions what any mom who lost a child would act like.

She waited for a response and sighed when she got none.

"Got None" just sounds... wrong. I'd change it to either "sighed when she didn't get one" or "sighed when there wasn't one." Maybe it's my opinion, I don't know.

I like the ending, when the dad embraces the mom. It shows he loves her and I like that. Other than that I don't find much to change. I'm not expert on grammar so sorry on that part. But I can't wait to read more about Sami and the other kids playing the "game". Keep writing!

-Narniafreak! :D

P.S. If you have any questions, need another review, post more for this story, or need help of any kind please feel free to PM. :)
  





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Fri Dec 17, 2010 11:40 pm
Evi says...



Hey! I'm so sorry this is so unforgivably late. *cringes* I'm here now! And I deleted three of the four reviews before me, since they were duplicates.

Firstly, I'm obligated to remind you that dialogue tags aren't capitalized. Example:

“Tom! Tom where are you!?” She screamed.


The "She" should be "she". Also, there should probably be a comma after the second "Tom"; you normally always use commas after addressing someone directly by their name, just as you'd pause in real life.

“Sami wasn’t in bed! I think she…” Heidi stopped abruptly, bursting into tears. She collapsed into Tom’s arms.


Here, I feel the scene loses its credibility. I understand that her parents are loving and protective, but to go into massive freak-out mood immediately after not seeing their daughter in bed seems a bit overkill. They assume she's met some terrible fate as soon as they know she's not there-- why? Why couldn't she have snuck out to go to a party? Why couldn't she be hiding somewhere in the house, playing some odd prank? They assume the worst at first, and it's just too jarring a transition. Have them work up to the panic and tears. First they search the house, maybe. Then retrace their steps, ask, "Which of us saw her last? Did she seem odd?" Then check doors, windows, locks. She's a teenager-- does she have a cell-phone? Do they try that? Go through the process first.

That's really my only point: make their hysterics less melodramatic. Other than that, interesting that you cut back to Sami's home, although I'm not really sure how it's relevant yet. Unless something significant happens here, I'd just rather just follow the real storyline, with the conflict! :) Parents' reactions are predictable-- worry, love, despair. So unless you show us something interesting back home, I wouldn't distract from the main plot.

Best of luck, and PM me for anything!

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.
  








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