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Young Writers Society


The Innocents



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Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:36 am
WorldClassWriter says...



Chapter 1_____________________________________________

A boy, 13 years of age, is walking down a sidewalk. A girl, 14 years of age, is playing volleyball with her friends. A man, 24 years of age, is dying in a hospital room. A woman, 23 years of age, is in the kitchen of the restaurant she is working in.
Unknown to these people, they are about to be brought together to bring down an organization big enough to take down the world’s biggest super power, America. The country they all live in.
“HEY KID!” a booming voice shouts to Ethan Wilson, a 13-year-old wearing a black and red hoodie.
“Hrm,” Ethan grunts while he continues walking. A large hand grips his shoulder tightly and turns him around. He looks at the source of the hand. A stereotypical jock, wearing a tight shirt to show of his ‘ceps, glares down at him.
“This part of the street is our territory, punk,” the Jock hisses. He points at Ethan’s pockets. “And you need to pay the toll.”
Ethan takes out his wallet. “How much?” he asks. The jock takes his wallet.
“All of it! Now scram!” the jock yells at Ethan’s face. Ethan runs away. Fast.
Ethan keeps running until he reaches his house. He then snickers as he walks in.
The bullies open the wallet when they reach their hideout. Scrawled across the inside, in Wite-Out®, are the words Wrong wallet, whoops?
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Ethan takes of his jacket as he looks outside the window. A group of girls, about his age, are playing volleyball at the bag end of the cul-de-sac his house is located in.
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Dana Watson, a 14-year-old volleyball champion, looks up into the house to her and her friends’ left. She sees a boy wearing a black shirt looking at them while he takes off his red and black hoodie. His eyes meet hers and he pulls the curtains close.
A group of teens walk into their court and her friends run away. The leader, a jock wearing a tight shirt, grabs Dana, the only person left in the street.
“Hey girlie, you seen a boy, about your height, red and black hoodie?” the jock asks.
Dana had a hunch this group had nothing good intended for the boy she just saw. “No,” she answers confidently.
She then notices the boy walk out of his house and grab a long, thin package on the porch. He smiles and opens it up. Oh crud, what’s he doing now? Dana thinks to herself.
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Ethan grabs the sword from its packaging and calls to the bullies holding the girl he saw earlier. “Hello, I’m Ethan, who wants to test my new sword first?” he asks. The bullies take one look at him and run.
At that exact moment, a woman walks toward her house. She looks behind her and sees a boy brandishing a sword at some bullies harassing a girl. “Omigosh,” she says as she quickly unlocks her door, walks in, and locks it again.
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Ethan looks down at the girl. “Whoa, put that thing away!” she says, pointing to Ethan’s sword.
“Typical. I save you, and not even a ‘thank you’,” Ethan sighs as he walks back to his house. He puts the sword back into its packaging on the porch and walks in, slamming the door.
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Dana flinches as Ethan slams the door. A woman walks out of her house and runs to her. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” the woman asks her.
“Gah! I don’t even know who you are!” Dana exclaims as she backs away. She runs away from the woman.
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Janice Grey, a 23-year-old waitress, looks at the girl she tried helping run away. “Just trying to help,” she mutters under her breath.
She walks back to her house. She opens the door and steps in. She then notices a piece of folded paper taped to her refrigerator. She pulls it off and unfolds it. Hello, Ms. Grey, we would like to request your presence at the first meeting of THE INNOCENTS.
If the 45th century is made of cheese, won't that mean E=to the rest of the alphabet? But, that won't make sense, since the purple hippo is gonna eat the field mice from Jupiter. I am made of cranberry.
  





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Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:37 am
WorldClassWriter says...



Hello. I'm gonna try to update this ASAP!
If the 45th century is made of cheese, won't that mean E=to the rest of the alphabet? But, that won't make sense, since the purple hippo is gonna eat the field mice from Jupiter. I am made of cranberry.
  





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Sat Dec 04, 2010 3:21 am
wonderland says...



Alright, so, that was interesting.
You tell the reader, a lot. Try to show the reader, instead of telling. Also, if you're going to do multiple POV's per chapter, you're going have to do a lot of character development, and go in depth, very in depth with each paragraph, so the reader can get to know and relate to your characters.

Good luck
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*
  





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Sun Dec 05, 2010 5:34 am
WorldClassWriter says...



Thanks, WickedWonder. For the advise. I'll do it! :)
If the 45th century is made of cheese, won't that mean E=to the rest of the alphabet? But, that won't make sense, since the purple hippo is gonna eat the field mice from Jupiter. I am made of cranberry.
  








Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
— Paul Brandt