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Flawed Corrections: Verisimilitude - Chapter 2-3



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Sat Dec 11, 2010 9:41 pm
UntitledDocument says...



Spoiler! :
Just wanted to give readers a heads up that I'll be rewriting this whole chapter soon. It won't be entirely different and it'll get to the same point, just through different circumstances.


CHAPTER 2

Monday, July 12th, 2010
12:26 pm.

I sat on my bed, staring at the clock on my wall. I was waiting for it to change to 12:27, the time when the disaster struck at Ocean World two years ago.
That was one of the most depressing days of my life. Now, the entire company has gone bankrupt, and on that day, over one hundred animals died because of that person who set that bomb off.
Tick!
The clock's hand moved one minute over, to that awful time. 12:27.
Even thinking about it sent shivers up my spine.
I shed a teardrop. It landed on my lap, reminding me of the water that had broken through the tank walls on that day.
I swept the blonde hair out of my face, slowly breathing in.
I didn't completely understand why I cared so much. Last year I even put together a fund raiser to try and raise money for Ocean World, which went bankrupt a few months later.
Maybe it's because I had adored that place so much for my whole life, maybe it's because I love dolphins and animals so much, maybe it's because -
Someone knocked on my door.
“Come in!” I said, wiping my eyes.
“Hey!” Callie said, holding a parcel, “Heres a package assigned to you.”
“For me?” I asked, puzzled. Who would send me something?
“Well it has your name on it, so I'm assuming so,” Callie replied, with a grin on her face.
I smiled back, then read who it was from.
“There's no name on who it's from,” I said, looking at the package.
“Oh well,” I shrugged it off.
I grabbed a pair of scissors from my desk, then started to cut the parcel open.

I dug into the cardboard box, which was full of packing peanuts. I kept searching, trying to find something without making a mess.
“Weird... there's nothing in here.”
“Maybe you should empty all those peanuts out,” Callie replied.
She took my pillow case off of my fluffy white pillow, then started dumping all the packing peanuts into the pillow case.
Once everything was out, I searched the bottom of the box, trying to find anything.
I felt a bump underneath one of the bottom cardboard flaps.
“I think we have to tear this whole box apart,” I said, trying to get at the lump.
“Yeah,” Callie replied, then took the box from me and ripped it apart.
“Hey!” I said, laughing.
We finally got to it, and it was a rolled up piece of paper.
“You'd think they'd just use an envelope!” Callie said, making a face.
“That's what a normal person would do,” I muttered, unrolling it.

Figure me out and you'll see
That your past will be your present, completely, instantly.


My heart almost stopped with confusion.
“What does that mean?” Callie said, also confused.
“Maybe its someone playing a mystery game with me, you know?” I wondered aloud.
“I don't think so... it looks... too professional?” Callie replied.
“Yeah, I know, I guess I'm just trying to write off the worst...” I trailed off, questions racing through my head.
“Well it says you have to figure him out,” Callie said, looking at the piece of paper. I wrinkled my forehead in deep thought.
“Hey, when we went to San Diego, you were writing in that Diary, right?”
“Yeah, I didn't get much done on that, I haven't done anything on that laptop ever since that disaster struck,” I replied.
I had been too depressed to use a computer.
“Maybe you should check it, see if theres any important information in there,” Callie said.
I smiled at her, then went to go get my laptop.

“Can't believe its been two years since you've used this laptop,” Callie said as I pulled it out of the case.
I nodded.
“Hey... this doesn't have my stickers on it!” I always had metallic dolphin stickers on the front of the laptop, which I had stuck on the laptop as soon as I got it.
“Maybe you took them off and you forgot.”

I plugged the laptop in, then started it up.
The log-in screen appeared.
“This isn't my laptop!” I said, raising my eyebrows.
“No kidding!”
“My name is not Aaron Jennings!” I replied, in shock.
“How could this have happened, Aly?”
“I don't know...” I said, then had a light bulb go on in my head.

I sat my laptop down, to my right on the floor at the Ocean World restaurant.
Right! I thought, a smile appearing on my face.
Then after we finished eating, my laptop was behind me.

“I got it!” I exclaimed.
“What?”
“There was this really weird man that was sitting behind me at that restaurant we went to, before we saw the dolphin show. He had to be the one that sent that message, who sent that bomb off, and who's laptop this is!” I explained to Callie.
“That is possible,” Callie replied, tilting her head to the side.
Things were falling into their proper place.

“Do you think you could hack into this thing?” I asked Callie.
“Maybe, depends. I'm not an expert on passwords, but I have a program I can run on it to try and crack the password.”
“Great!” I grinned.
Marygold walked into the room.
“What'cha doing?” She asked.
“Long story!” I replied, and explained the whole thing to her.



CHAPTER 3


Tuesday, July 13th, 2010
5:30 am

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! I gave my alarm a good whack as I shut it off. I rolled over and looked at the clock.
5:30... Grr! Way too early!
My eyelids told me to give them some more rest, but my head told me to get up and see if I had broken into the laptop yet.
I hopped out of my bed, shoving my comforter out of the way.
Then I walked over to the desk, looking at the screen.
I grinned.
“Good work, Callie,” I smiled.
We had broken in.
I clicked on each and every folder in the computer, trying to grasp any information I could.
“Aly?” Callie asked as she opened my bedroom door a crack.
I walked over to the door, trying not to giggle at her.
“Nice hair,” I told her, straightening the golden locks out, “what are you doing up?”
“I set my alarm so that I could see if that program worked or not.”
I glanced behind me at the laptop.
“It worked,” I replied, with a huge smile on my face.
Callie scrambled over to the laptop, grinning.
“There's a ton of information on here,” Callie said, clicking on another folder.
It wouldn't open.
“It froze,” I complained.
Then there was a pop up screen.

You now know my name and where I'm from
You're uncovering the mystery, one by one
But don't worry, there's still lots to learn.
Close the laptop, and wait for my return.


Both me and Callie's jaws dropped.
“How can he still access this laptop?” I questioned, my eyebrows still raised.
“Internet,” Callie replied, looking at the connection bar on the laptop.
“Why does he want us to close the laptop?” I wondered aloud.
“Maybe we should just play along, you know?” Callie said, starting to close the lid of the laptop.
“Wait,” I grabbed her hand. “Should we? He might lock us out... or something,” I started to stutter with nervousness.
“Don't worry, he can't,” Callie replied confidently, closing the computer, “at least, I don't think he can.”
“Callie!” I scolded, giving her a poke.
“Sorry!” She said, backing away.
“Whatever, I guess,” I replied, rolling my eyes, “at least we know his name, that should give us a start.”
“Let's go to the other computer,” Callie answered, starting to leave my bedroom.
We walked down the hallway to the office, where the family computer was.
I booted it up, thinking of that messenger's name.
Callie sat down in the chair, waiting for the computer to load.
“You know, Aaron Jennings sounds really familiar to me,” I told Callie, wondering who it was.
“Me too,” Callie replied, frowning.
The computer finally loaded, and we clicked on the Internet.
“Maybe we'll find some answers about him,” I hoped as I said it.
I typed in the man's name, then a whole bunch of listings showed up.
Me and Callie were just staring at the page, as we scrolled down the list of our answers.

“Aaron Jennings is the owner of Ocean World!” Callie exclaimed, putting her hand over her mouth.
Last edited by UntitledDocument on Sun Apr 03, 2011 4:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1968
Reviews: 14
Thu Feb 24, 2011 2:32 am
Sopster says...



Hey Doc!

Well, I'm not a very experienced reviewer but here are some of my thoughts on this piece! :

I like the first line; It's snappy and get's the reader engaged straight away.

First of all you have a skill that I lack: you can write a conversation that flows well. But, these two chapters seem to consist of endless dialogue. Dialogue is easy to read but you need to include descriptions in between for variation and to spice up your work...

All you have to do is go through this line by line and remove any dialogue that is unnecessary.

[quote]I plugged the laptop in, then started it up.
The log-in screen appeared.
“This isn't my laptop!” I said, raising my eyebrows.
“No kidding!”
My name is not Aaron Jennings!” I replied, in shock. “How could this have happened, Aly?”
“I don't know...” I said, then had a light bulb go on in my head. [ /quote]

e.g In this bit they have already established that the Laptop is not there's. So you don't need to include the 'my name is not Aaron Jennings'. Remove that bit as dialogue and instead say something like "This isn't my laptop! I said, raising my eyebrows. The name 'Aaron Jennings' appeared on the screen and a lump of mucus gathered in my front. I had no idea what that name meant. Aly looked at me with confusion and was taken aback by the sudden glisten in my eye. A light bulb had pinged in my head.'

So, that is basically a good first step for your editing process; REMOVE UNNECESSARY DIALOGUE.

It's really late and I can't review properly, but I hope that's given you something to get you started! :D

-Sop. :)
We'd rather die with our bones of youth.
  








I am not a person I am a natural disaster
— TheWordsOfWolf