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Hide and Seek Ch. 1



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Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:38 pm
CaitlinGrant says...



In the silence of the tiny, bare room, the sound of my pulsing heart seemed to grow louder, swallowing up everything else. My sweaty palms gripped the sides of the plastic chair I was tied to as I tried to calm myself. It’s okay. You’re fine. Thick, coarse rope dug into the bare skin of my upper arms and pressed hard against my ribcage and calves. More rope tied my ankles to the legs of my chair, and others wrapped around my wrists and tied them together under the chair, cutting off blood flow.
There was no one with me in the room—the two men who had brought me here had gone away again, and I knew I had two choices: panic and lose it, or lock down on my emotions in order to stay calm. I closed my eyes against the locked door a few feet in front of me. Calm down. Take control of the situation. You aren’t hurt. You are fine. You will be fine, I forcefully told myself. Slowly, the choking panic ebbed until I had it in tight control.
Someone turned a key in the lock of the door, and I straightened. Suddenly my heart was hammering again, but I forced it to slow. My chin lifted and I glared at the door as it opened.
Two men entered. One of them was tall, with a lean, angry face. The other was his opposite: burly, with eyes that avoided mine. He stood off to the side, gently closing the door as the tall man stepped in front of me.
I tried to make it seem as though I were glaring silently because I didn’t want to speak, not because I couldn’t. From the tall man’s smile, I judged that I had failed. “My name is Kevin. That guy over there is Matt.” The tall man announced quietly. His dark eyes rested on mine.
I didn’t say anything. Fear was making it hard for me to breathe. “Aren’t you going to introduce yourself?” Kevin prodded, watching me calculatingly. It seemed like he already knew my name.
I swallowed hard, trying to find my voice. “My name is Danielle Falk. What the hell do you want with me?” There. Now that I’d spoken, I was able to beat back my fear.
Kevin’s face darkened for a split second. He ignored my question. “How old are you, ‘Danielle’?” He said my name as though he didn’t believe it was real.
“I don’t give out personal information to strangers.” I couldn’t help the biting tone in my voice—it was my first defense against fear. Behind Kevin, I saw Matt look up at me sharply. There was savage anger in his eyes. Then it was gone and he was looking away again, leaving my heart stuttering with fear.
Kevin pulled out a good sized gun and weighed it in his hands. “What about strangers with guns?” He asked quietly. There was a clear menace in his voice.
I refused to let my voice tremble. Mom had always called me too stubborn for my own good, but now it was working to my advantage. “I’m seventeen. Now, is there a reason you’ve kidnapped me, or do you just get the warm fuzzies from harassing teenage girls who can’t fight back?” My heart hammered away at my ribcage, but I didn’t let on my fear. Finally, all those stupid drama classes I’d taken with Ramona were paying off.
Kevin coolly examined his gun. He lifted it, ran a finger along the dark barrel, and turned off the safety. “Tell me, why do you have a death wish, Carmen?” His eyes moved to my face, and he seemed to be searching for something.
I made an effort and summoned a cold glare. “I just told you, my name is Danielle. I don’t have a death wish at all. In fact, if you let me go now, I’ll gladly go back home.”
Matt was watching me now too. As soon as I looked over at him, he looked away, but again, I caught that hatred in his eyes. Suddenly, I was grateful for Kevin’s presence. Without him, I had a feeling Matt might have killed me straight out. Kevin shook his head. “Let’s see how long you stick to that lie.” He went silent, watching me.
My phone started to ring in the tense silence, making me jump. The stupid little ditty elicited a grim smile from Kevin. He reached a slender hand over and plucked the phone from my pocket, reading the contact name while I glared wordlessly. “It says ‘Mom’.” Kevin raised an eyebrow at me. “You’ve been gone for four hours, and they only think to call you now? You must be loved.”
I couldn’t help it: unless I wanted to start crying from fear and go into hysterics, I had to snap back. “As compared to you, definitely. And generally, my mom gives me more freedom than the average ten year old, so she doesn’t always need to know where I am. I guess you can’t relate.”
A muscle jumped in Kevin’s jaw. He turned to Matt. “I was never told Carmen would be so obnoxious.” Matt just shrugged, staring at the phone as it continued to ring. Who the hell is Carmen? I wondered. Whoever she was, I wasn’t happy with her right now.
Kevin turned back to me. “You are going to lie to your parents. You are going to tell them that you’re over at a friend’s house for a sleepover. If you don’t, I’ll kill you without a second thought.”
His cold gaze was meant to freeze me on the spot. It nearly did, but I returned a glare just as cold, staying silent. My phone stopped ringing, and, as though he couldn’t stand the silence, Matt spoke. “Do you understand? You’re to call them back.”
I shifted my gaze over to Matt for a split second. His voice was low and rough, simmering with that blind passion. What had I done to him? What had Carmen done to him? I got the feeling that he wasn’t very intelligent. But when his eyes met mine, I knew that all the intelligence in the world couldn’t save me from him if that fury were unleashed. He saw that knowledge in my eyes and bared his teeth in a vicious smile. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you welcome the closure.” He murmured. Kevin glanced sharply at him and I shuddered as a chill ran through me. I knew what Matt was saying: when death came, I’d be grateful. What did he have planned for me?
Kevin’s lips hooked in an amused smile. “You’re scared, aren’t you?” He asked. “You can’t even speak, you’re so terrified. Danielle…” He drew out my name, tasting every syllable and watching for my reaction. It was obvious he thought he was playing my game, addressing me by my ‘fake’ name. I turned my attention back to him, feeling the frantic beating of my heart slow as I looked away from Matt. Kevin was balanced, calculating and sure. Matt was all volatile violence.
It took a lot of effort to smile cynically back at Kevin. “Yes. I’m absolutely cowed. Please, have mercy.” The heavy sarcasm in my voice barely masked the way it trembled. Kevin’s eyes narrowed, and I reveled in his anger. “In fact, I’m shaking in my metaphorical boots.”
My head snapped sharply to the side as Kevin’s hand slammed down onto my cheek. The abrupt brutality of his movement shocked me into silence. Kevin was breathing hard now, glaring at me. I tried not to wince at the sharp stinging of my cheek. “Shut. Up.” He ground out. Then he opened my phone, calling Mom. He pushed the phone to my left ear, his gun to my right. “Say the wrong thing and I swear I’ll give in to sweet temptation and blow your brains out.”
I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I stayed silent, gripping the sides of my chair and trying hard not to cringe away from the gun. In front of me, Matt stood a few feet away, a huge mass of coiled muscle. His eyes were locked on my face, and I couldn’t even look at him.
When Mom picked up, her voice was so familiar I nearly cried. Right now, she was the only link to my life. “Danielle? Where on earth are you?” She asked, worried.
I didn’t need the extra pressure from Kevin’s gun to know what to say. “I’m hanging out with Ramona, remember? I told you on Monday that we’d be having a sleepover.”
“I don’t remember this at all.” Now Mom was annoyed. “Did I actually say you could go, or did you ask while I was distracted and doing something else?”
I nearly laughed, but I stopped myself in case the laugh turned hysterical. “Well…you were working on your computer…”
Mom huffed. “I’m not happy with you. You can go, because you’re already there. But when you come back, you’re grounded. I was worried, you know!”
I bit my lip and then forced myself to sound normal, resisting the urge to plead for help. “What are you worried about? What are the chances that I’ll get kidnapped or something?” I demanded in exasperation, staring straight ahead at one of my kidnappers and trying to ignore the gun the second one was pressing into my forehead.
“Don’t start with that, Danielle.” Mom warned. “There are strange, creepy people in this world. What time should I pick you up tomorrow?”
I envisioned the scene coming up: Mom pulling up to Ramona’s house and ringing on the doorbell, only to find I’d never been there. “Um…what about eleven?” I asked.
“Okay, I think I can do that. Bye, honey. Try and be a little more responsible, okay?” Mom was busy, already distracted by her work. I couldn’t let her go, relinquish the one tie I had to reality.
“Wait, Mom!” I shouted. The gun at my temple pressed so hard I saw spots.
“Yes?” Mom sounded a little impatient.
I swallowed. “I love you. Bye.”
Now I had Mom’s full attention. In general, we weren’t very affectionate. I couldn’t even remember the last time I told Mom I loved her. “Are you sure you’re okay, Danielle? You sound a bit…I don’t know. Do you want me to pick you up?”
Kevin’s voice was quiet. “Pick your next words very carefully.” He warned, a threat clear in his tone.
Somehow, I managed to laugh. “Of course not, Mom! Since when is it a reason to assume I’m not okay if I tell you I love you? I just…I’m just a little…” Kevin’s gun pushed so hard that I let out a little gasp of pain.
“Danielle?” Now Mom really was worried. Shit.
“Yeah, sorry. I stubbed my toe on Ramona’s bed. Anyway, I gotta go.”
“All right, if you’re sure. See you tomorrow.” Mom hung up, and my heart sank.
Kevin took the gun away from my head. “Well, that takes care of that. Danielle.” He grinned at me, took my slender phone in his two strong hands, and snapped it. He tossed it to Matt. “Destroy it.”
Matt started to leave, and Kevin stopped him. “Bring in Nico, too.” Kevin turned to me again, and it seemed like he wanted a reaction from me. I didn’t give him one. Kevin watched me for a moment. “So, Carmen,” he spat ‘my’ name mockingly, “I find it interesting that even your mom calls you Danielle. Could it be that you’ve legally changed your name? Or is Carmen just the name you used in this charade?”
I couldn’t help my aggravated groan. “My name isn’t Carmen. You have the wrong person, okay? I don’t know who Carmen is, I don’t know who you are, and I don’t know why I’m here.”
Kevin just rolled his eyes. Before I could say something cutting, the door shuddered as someone was slammed against it. Then it swung open and Matt released a dark haired, lean teenager I assumed was Nico.
He scared me more than Matt had.
Something about him sent all my instinctive alarms into high alert. Nico was explosive, volatile. I knew it without even hearing him speak. His dark eyes were anything but cold—they shocked me with their life: anger, aggression, determination, hope, pain, caution, recklessness, all there and burning. I saw no fear. He stood perfectly still, but somehow it still seemed like he was moving, or frozen in motion. He was a living, breathing weapon liable to turn on anyone at any time.
Nico’s dark eyes registered and ignored the gun Kevin was now pointing straight at his head, moving to me. Our eyes met, and a muscle in his jaw twitched. I felt breathless, terrified without solid reason. I could see that Nico knew what I thought of him, but he held my gaze for a moment longer before turning to Kevin. “She’ll never breathe a word. You can’t break her.” His raging eyes flicked to me, appraising. “We’ll be out of here soon, Carmen.”
“You’ll die here, and by the time it happens you’ll be begging for release.” Matt’s voice whipped through the air.
Nico turned to look at him, leveling a direct stare in Matt’s eyes. He was quiet, perfectly still. But suddenly, the volatility that was obvious in every fiber of his body seemed to become even more evident. “Is that so?” He finally asked, his words dropping as lightly as autumn leaves. But their weight seemed suffocating.
Nico turned away, towards me. “Carmen…did they hurt you?” His eyes raked my face, searching for any signs of mistreatment. There was no concern in his face or voice, only calculation. He was assessing damage.
I gaped at this complete stranger, taking in his face: the high cheekbones, the determined set of his jaw, the hair that was just the tiniest bit longer than normal, and the burning fierceness in his eyes. Then, I snapped. “Stop calling me Carmen!” I shouted at him. It was a crazy thing to do, but I was confused and scared. Unless I had an unknown identical twin, there was no way I could be mistaken for whoever Carmen was by three different people.
“My name is Danielle! Danielle Marie Falk! I’m just a normal high school senior, I haven’t done anything! I live with my mom, I have friends, I do well in school and I do mixed martial arts. My life has been perfectly normal until four hours ago, when these two idiots literally picked me up and threw me into their car while I was walking home! I have no idea who Carmen is, and I just want to go—” I cut myself off, breathing hard and near tears. No matter what, I would not admit that I was scared and wanted to go home.
Nico’s eyes burned at me with the same mixture of emotions as before, as though he’d blocked out what I’d said. “Give it up. They won’t believe that. Are the others safe?” The studied neutral tone in his voice was a sharp contrast to the explosive aura around him.
Kevin laughed. “Nice try, Carmen.” He turned to Matt. “Untie her, and bring her to Nico’s cell.” Then Kevin flung one last shark smile at me and left.
Matt moved behind me and undid all my ropes, slashing through them with his knife with one sure move. I felt the cold blade on my bare skin, and goosebumps rose. Matt’s low laugh told me he’d noticed. At the same time, he had a gun leveled at Nico. “Get up.” Matt ordered me.
I tried to get to my feet, but my legs were completely numb. Nico ignored Matt’s gun and stepped forward. Without a word, he scooped me up into his arms. I tensed and looked at his face, but Nico didn’t glance down at me as he began to walk. I wanted to push away, but the arms supporting me were rock hard. Nico was lean, but he was undoubtedly strong. His body was warm, but somehow I'd expected it to be burning the same way his eyes did.
There had to be some way I could maintain control over the situation. “I don’t want your help.” I hissed at him. “I don’t even know you.”
Nico didn’t even glance down at me. “Be quiet, Carmen.”
The circulation was coming back into my body, and that damn name made me angry. “I can walk by myself now, thanks.” I snapped.
Nico stopped walking and swiftly put me down. When he glanced at me, I was left breathless by the intense whirlpool of emotions in his eyes. There was no compassion mixed in there.
“Both of you walk right next to each other.” Matt ordered from behind us. “No funny business.”
For one insanely immature moment, I wanted to turn around and stick out my tongue. I wanted to cross my arms and pout and ignore everyone, because I had no idea of what was going on. Instead, I didn’t say anything, stalking angrily forward until Matt told us to stop. Nico and I were guided into another room: a little bigger than the first one I’d been in and even more dismal. The only light came from a tiny window about three feet above my head. “Someone will be by to see you soon.” Matt announced, and with that, he was gone.
Nico silently sank into a sitting position against a wall. He watched me for a moment, then spoke. “You might as well relax. Soon means anything from five minutes to a day.”
I glared at Nico—or rather, his general direction. If I looked him the eyes, all I’d feel was that paralyzing fear. “Shut up. Who the hell are you? Who’s Carmen? Why am I here?”
“Why not ask Matt? He’s more than eager to slice you to pieces. Give him the slightest reason to do so—including admitting that you’re not Carmen and having them believe you—and you’ll never go home. Or maybe a piece of you might: a finger or an eye or maybe, if Matt’s feeling brutal, your head, minus the eyes, ears, nose and all teeth.” The words were calm, emotionless. I stared at Nico, his blazing eyes and the moving stillness that he had even sitting.
“You’re a ruthless bastard.”
“Damn right.” Now ferocity entered Nico’s tone. “I’m a ruthless bastard, and that’s how I’ve survived. If you want to survive too, then you better shed that ‘better than thou’ air and get one thing straight: this isn’t a bad dream. This isn’t going to go away: you’re not going to wake up in a cozy bed in your neat little house in your cute neighborhood.” Primal, raging, destructive. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut with the fierceness of Nico’s words, the hatred in it.
"You hate me. Why?” I managed not to make my voice tremble, but suddenly I realized I’d rather take my chances tied to a chair in a room with Matt than here in this room with Nico.
Nico’s eyes didn’t turn cold—it was impossible, when they blazed through the air. They just burned stronger, until I felt scorched. “I don’t hate you. I don’t feel anything towards you. All you are is a decoy: I gave them the opposite description of Carmen and they found you: light blond hair, grey blue eyes, waif-like, fragile. They did a good job.” He gave me a calculating up and down. “You’re a very breakable person, Danielle.”
I stiffened and glared to ignore the pounding of my heart. His quiet, almost amused voice shocked and terrified me. Breakable. He said the word casually, but I could see in the way his eyes burned that he knew what he was talking about. “I’m a lot tougher than I look. You can’t break me.”
Nico laughed. It was a throaty, rough sound. “Yes, I can. I’m good at breaking people.” He didn’t seem like the teenager he was in that moment. He seemed like an angel of death.
“Right now, you’re convenient. But it’s only a matter of time before they realize you’re not Carmen, and then they’ll kill you.” He paused, weighing thoughts in his mind. “Leaving you here would be convenient, but soon enough it’ll get dangerous. They’ll try to use you before getting rid of you. So unfortunately, you’ll be coming with me. We need to stay one step ahead in this game.”
I felt cold all over. There was no lie in Nico’s voice, just hard truth. “Bastard.” I whispered. Nico inclined his head as though accepting a compliment. I found my voice and tried to control my shaking hand. “I can’t believe you! Convenient? Game? Decoy? This isn’t a game, this is my life! You’re a monster! How is that possible, when you’re not a lot older than I am? What are you, eighteen?”
Nico laughed again. “Yes, not that age matters. Monsters come in all shapes and sizes.” He sized me up. “When I was young my sister told me that if I couldn’t see the monsters, they couldn’t see me. That’s not true. Monsters are everywhere, hiding.” He smirked. “It’s the most ancient, primal game in the world. Hide and seek, hunter and hunted. These days little kids play it to take away the pounding fear and thrill of the chase, but it’s still the same. I play hide and seek—but the older, darker kind.” All the words he’d used so far struck me deep. It was all Nico: primal and dark, untamable.
Nico’s eyes were on me. “So, yes, this is a game. And this little detour isn’t going to stop me.” He gestured around the cell. Being kidnapped is a little detour?
“What would stop you, then?” I demanded, angry because he was scaring me.
His eyes locked with mine, and suddenly all that volatile, explosive emotion flared. “Nothing stops me, once I start hunting.”

~~~

I swallowed hard. “So why are you still here?”
“Because, unfortunately, I’m waiting to recover.” Nico said casually.
Now it was my turn to look him up and down. “You don’t look like you’re recovering from anything.” No, he looked fit and lethal and oddly beautiful. The burning passion in his eyes, his dark hair, the smooth, hard planes of his face…yes, he was beautiful, but chillingly so.
Broken.
The word came out of my sub-consciousness and I immediately pushed it away. Nico, broken? He wasn’t broken, he was the one who broke others. He’d said it himself: You’re a very breakable person, Danielle. I’m good at breaking people.
But I couldn’t shake the word from my mind. Beautiful, broken, lethal, explosive.
Nico’s smile was cynical. “Yes, Kevin didn’t want his persuasions to leave scars in obvious places.”
My anger and fear vanished. I thought to the hours where I’d been tied to that chair, without any knowledge of what was going on. I thought of Kevin’s shark smile and didn’t want to imagine what persuasion was used. “I’m sorry.” The words slipped out before I could stop them, or they never would have taken life.
Nico’s face darkened. “I don’t need your sympathy.”
My eyes narrowed. “I’m not sympathizing. I’m sorry that you didn’t kill him before he got the chance to hurt you or kidnap me. Believe me, I don’t feel a think for you.” Liar. It wasn’t until I said the words that I realized I was wrong. Nico was different from anyone I’d ever met, but somehow, something about him made my heart ache. The pain. That was it. The pain I’d seen in his eyes, the very first second I’d seen him.
But now Nico was watching me with an unreadable expression. The burning passion was still there, but restrained. “Kill? That’s an interesting thing for you to say, Danielle. You don’t strike me as the ruthless type. Do you really know what it is, to kill? Do you really want Kevin dead?”
I was silent, but Nico could read my expression. “I didn’t think so. Such passion and hatred is something I don’t think you’ve ever felt. I don’t think you have what it takes to kill someone, to watch someone die.”
“I’m glad I don’t.” I snapped back, feeling my stomach coil.
Nico shook his head like he was reprimanding a small child who’d spoken out of turn. “Are you really? I have what it takes, and I’m glad.” He paused, watching me. “But then again, I’m a hunter.” He wasn’t talking about animals, I could tell that immediately. “Do you think I’m a bad person, Danielle?” He asked softly, voice mocking.
I stared into those wild eyes, and I knew the answer. No. But I couldn’t tell him that. “I think you’re ruthless.”
"Am I a bad person?” He asked again, his eyes refusing to release me.
I cursed. “Damn you, no, you’re not. I don’t know why not, but I don’t think you are.”
Nico’s mocking smile disappeared. He hadn’t expected that answer, and I’d seen shock flit across his face, along with another emotion. Had that been relief? “I’ve killed people. I’ve broken their spirits. I’m the reason you’re here, because I gave them your description. You must think I’m a bad person.”
I licked my lips, which had suddenly gone dry. He was right. I should think he was a bad person. No. “I think you’re a survivor. I don’t believe in John Locke and Thomas Hobbes and all their crap about people being born good or evil. People are born survivors and adapters. We do what we have to. Even if that means embracing darkness.”
Nico was staring at me now. I’d thrown him off. “Too much darkness rots the soul.” He countered.
I returned his look. “Do you think you’re a bad person?”
“I know it.” Nico’s voice was rock steady, completely convinced.
Broken.
“You’re wrong.” I told him, finally sitting down against a wall. And we stayed in silence.
Last edited by CaitlinGrant on Mon Dec 27, 2010 5:49 am, edited 2 times in total.
'I didn't know that I could ever forgive him for everything he'd done to me. Now that I looked back on it, that he'd put a child through such torment seemed even worse. But right now, it wasn't him I was forgiving or thanking. It wasn't even about him.
I was forgiving myself.' -Speak Into Silence
  





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Thu Dec 23, 2010 2:47 am
Confictura says...



Hello there! this is my first "Quoted Review" so I'm not familiar with how the format will end up looking. I will be commenting using red text.
CaitlinGrant wrote:In the silence of the tiny, bare room, the sound of my pulsing heart seemed to grow louder, swallowing up everything else. My sweaty palms gripped the sides of the plastic chair I was tied to as I tried to calm myself. It’s okay. You’re fine. Thick, coarse rope dug into the bare skin of my upper arms and pressed hard against my ribcage and calves. More rope tied my ankles to the legs of my chair, and others wrapped around my wrists and tied them together under the chair, cutting off blood flow.
There was no one with me in the room—the two men who had brought me here had gone away again, and I knew I had two choices: panic and lose it, or lock down on my emotions in order to stay calm. I closed my eyes against the locked door a few feet in front of me. Calm down. Take control of the situation. You aren’t hurt. You are fine. You will be fine, I forcefully told myself. Slowly, the choking panic ebbed until I had it in tight control. I didn't have a problem with the beginning until later. This is a very plausible situation, the main character is panicking, in a strange room, but later in the story when it's mentioned that she had been in the room for HOURS, I immediately became skeptical with this beginning. after an hour I would have calmed down, after two more I would start questioning where I am, and for the last hour I would begin to formulate my plan.

Someone turned a key in the lock of the door, and I straightened. Suddenly my heart was hammering again, but I forced it to slow. My chin lifted and I glared at the door as it opened.
Two men entered. One of them was tall, with a lean, angry face. The other was his opposite: burly, with eyes that avoided mine. He stood off to the side, gently closing the door as the tall man stepped in front of me.
I tried to make it seem as though I were glaring silently because I didn’t want to speak, not because I couldn’t. From the tall man’s smile, I judged that I had failed.

“My name is Kevin. That guy over there is Matt.” The tall man announced quietly. His dark eyes rested on mine. This could be phrased better, For example.

"My name is Kevin, and this" The tall man said quietly as he gestured to the man standing behind him, "Is Matt"


I didn’t say anything. Fear was making it hard for me to breathe. “Aren’t you going to introduce yourself?” Kevin prodded, watching me calculatingly. It seemed like he already knew my name.
I swallowed hard, trying to find my voice. “My name is Danielle Falk. What the hell do you want with me?” There. Now that I’d spoken, I was able to beat back my fear.
Kevin’s face darkened for a split second. He ignored my question. “How old are you, ‘Danielle’?” He said my name as though he didn’t believe it was real.

“I don’t give out personal information to strangers.” This snippet of dialogue is a little odd, the fact that she was picked up off the streets and thrown into a car, it just doesn't seem that real that after being kidnapped someone would start to employ "Stranger danger" tactics :)

I couldn’t help the biting tone in my voice—it was my first defense against fear. Behind Kevin, I saw Matt look up at me sharply. There was savage anger in his eyes. Then it was gone and he was looking away again, leaving my heart stuttering with fear.
Kevin pulled out a good sized gun and weighed it in his hands. “What about strangers with guns?” He asked quietly. There was a clear menace in his voice.
I refused to let my voice tremble. Mom had always called me too stubborn for my own good, but now it was working to my advantage.

“I’m seventeen. Now, is there a reason you’ve kidnapped me, or do you just get the warm fuzzies from harassing teenage girls who can’t fight back?” Another piece of dialogue that just sounds weird, Why would a hostage go for a "Tough Girl" attitude yet admit that they can't fight back?

My heart hammered away at my ribcage, but I didn’t let on my fear. Finally, all those stupid drama classes I’d taken with Ramona were paying off.
Kevin cooly examined his gun. He lifted it, ran a finger along the dark barrel, and turned off the safety. “Tell me, why do you have a death wish, Carmen?” His eyes moved to my face, and he seemed to be searching for something.
I made an effort and summoned a cold glare. “I just told you, my name is Danielle. I don’t have a death wish at all. In fact, if you let me go now, I’ll gladly go back home.”
Matt was watching me now too. As soon as I looked over at him, he looked away, but again, I caught that hatred in his eyes. Suddenly, I was grateful for Kevin’s presence. Without him, I had a feeling Matt might have killed me straight out. Kevin shook his head. “Let’s see how long you stick to that lie.” He went silent, watching me.
My phone started to ring in the tense silence, making me jump. The stupid little ditty elicited a grim smile from Kevin. He reached a slender hand over and plucked the phone from my pocket, reading the contact name while I glared wordlessly. “It says ‘Mom’.” Kevin raised an eyebrow at me. “You’ve been gone for four hours, and they only think to call you now? You must be loved.”
I couldn’t help it: unless I wanted to start crying from fear and go into hysterics, I had to snap back. “As compared to you, definitely. And generally, my mom gives me more freedom than the average ten year old, so she doesn’t always need to know where I am. I guess you can’t relate.”
A muscle jumped in Kevin’s jaw. He turned to Matt. “I was never told Carmen would be so obnoxious.” Matt just shrugged, staring at the phone as it continued to ring. Who the hell is Carmen? I wondered. Whoever she was, I wasn’t happy with her right now.
Kevin turned back to me. “You are going to lie to your parents. You are going to tell them that you’re over at a friend’s house for a sleepover. If you don’t, I’ll kill you without a second thought.”
His cold gaze was meant to freeze me on the spot. It nearly did, but I returned a glare just as cold, staying silent. My phone stopped ringing, and, as though he couldn’t stand the silence, Matt spoke. “Do you understand? You’re to call them back.”
I shifted my gaze over to Matt for a split second. His voice was low and rough, simmering with that blind passion. What had I done to him? What had Carmen done to him? I got the feeling that he wasn’t very intelligent. But when his eyes met mine, I knew that all the intelligence in the world couldn’t save me from him if that fury were unleashed. He saw that knowledge in my eyes and bared his teeth in a vicious smile. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you welcome the closure.” He murmured. Kevin glanced sharply at him and I shuddered as a chill ran through me. I knew what Matt was saying: when death came, I’d be grateful. What did he have planned for me?
Kevin’s lips hooked in an amused smile. “You’re scared, aren’t you?” He asked. “You can’t even speak, you’re so terrified. Danielle…” He drew out my name, tasting every syllable and watching for my reaction. It was obvious he thought he was playing my game, addressing me by my ‘fake’ name. I turned my attention back to him, feeling the frantic beating of my heart slow as I looked away from Matt. Kevin was balanced, calculating and sure. Matt was all volatile violence.
It took a lot of effort to smile cynically back at Kevin. “Yes. I’m absolutely cowed. Please, have mercy.” The heavy sarcasm in my voice barely masked the way it trembled. Kevin’s eyes narrowed, and I reveled in his anger. “In fact, I’m shaking in my metaphorical boots.”

My head snapped sharply to the side as Kevin’s hand slammed down onto my cheek. By saying "slammed down" you give the image of a hand coming down upon something, like smushing a spider or bug. you might say, "Swatted" or "slammed into my cheek" but I don't think "slammed down" is the correct term here.

The abrupt brutality of his movement shocked me into silence. Kevin was breathing hard now, glaring at me. I tried not to wince at the sharp stinging of my cheek. “Shut. Up.” He ground out. Then he opened my phone, calling Mom. He pushed the phone to my left ear, his gun to my right. “Say the wrong thing and I swear I’ll give in to sweet temptation and blow your brains out.”
I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I stayed silent, gripping the sides of my chair and trying hard not to cringe away from the gun. In front of me, Matt stood a few feet away, a huge mass of coiled muscle. His eyes were locked on my face, and I couldn’t even look at him.
When Mom picked up, her voice was so familiar I nearly cried. Right now, she was the only link to my life. “Danielle? Where on earth are you?” She asked, worried.
I didn’t need the extra pressure from Kevin’s gun to know what to say. “I’m hanging out with Ramona, remember? I told you on Monday that we’d be having a sleepover.”
“I don’t remember this at all.” Now Mom was annoyed. “Did I actually say you could go, or did you ask while I was distracted and doing something else?”
I nearly laughed, but I stopped myself in case the laugh turned hysterical. “Well…you were working on your computer…”
Mom huffed. “I’m not happy with you. You can go, because you’re already there. But when you come back, you’re grounded. I was worried, you know!”
I bit my lip and then forced myself to sound normal, resisting the urge to plead for help. “What are you worried about? What are the chances that I’ll get kidnapped or something?” I demanded in exasperation, staring straight ahead at one of my kidnappers and trying to ignore the gun the second one was pressing into my forehead.
“Don’t start with that, Danielle.” Mom warned. “There are strange, creepy people in this world. What time should I pick you up tomorrow?”
I envisioned the scene coming up: Mom pulling up to Ramona’s house and ringing on the doorbell, only to find I’d never been there. “Um…what about eleven?” I asked.
“Okay, I think I can do that. Bye, honey. Try and be a little more responsible, okay?” Mom was busy, already distracted by her work. I couldn’t let her go, relinquish the one tie I had to reality.
“Wait, Mom!” I shouted. The gun at my temple pressed so hard I saw spots.
“Yes?” Mom sounded a little impatient.
I swallowed. “I love you. Bye.”
Now I had Mom’s full attention. In general, we weren’t very affectionate. I couldn’t even remember the last time I told Mom I loved her. “Are you sure you’re okay, Danielle? You sound a bit…I don’t know. Do you want me to pick you up?”
Kevin’s voice was quiet. “Pick your next words very carefully.” He warned, a threat clear in his tone.
Somehow, I managed to laugh. “Of course not, Mom! Since when is it a reason to assume I’m not okay if I tell you I love you? I just…I’m just a little…” Kevin’s gun pushed so hard that I let out a little gasp of pain.
“Danielle?” Now Mom really was worried. Shit.
“Yeah, sorry. I stubbed my toe on Ramona’s bed. Anyway, I gotta go.”
“All right, if you’re sure. See you tomorrow.” Mom hung up, and my heart sank.
Kevin took the gun away from my head. “Well, that takes care of that. Danielle.” He grinned at me, took my slender phone in his two strong hands, and snapped it. He tossed it to Matt. “Destroy it.”
Matt started to leave, and Kevin stopped him. “Bring in Nico, too.” Kevin turned to me again, and it seemed like he wanted a reaction from me. I didn’t give him one. Kevin watched me for a moment. “So, Carmen,” he spat ‘my’ name mockingly, “I find it interesting that even your mom calls you Danielle. Could it be that you’ve legally changed your name? Or is Carmen just the name you used in this charade?”
I couldn’t help my aggravated groan.

“My name isn’t Carmen. You have the wrong person, okay? I don’t know who Carmen is, I don’t know who you are, and I don’t know why I’m here.” I recommend moving the 'Okay?' to the end of this sentence, and maybe even adding a "just let me go" after that.

Kevin just rolled his eyes. Before I could say something cutting, the door shuddered as someone was slammed against it. Then it swung open and Matt released a dark haired, lean teenager I assumed was Nico.
He scared me more than Matt had.
Something about him sent all my instinctive alarms into high alert. Nico was explosive, volatile. I knew it without even hearing him speak. His dark eyes were anything but cold—they shocked me with their life: anger, aggression, determination, hope, pain, caution, recklessness, all there and burning. I saw no fear. He stood perfectly still, but somehow it still seemed like he was moving, or frozen in motion. He was a living, breathing weapon liable to turn on anyone at any time.
Nico’s dark eyes registered and ignored the gun Kevin was now pointing straight at his head, moving to me. Our eyes met, and a muscle in his jaw twitched. I felt breathless, terrified without solid reason. I could see that Nico knew what I thought of him, but he held my gaze for a moment longer before turning to Kevin. “She’ll never breathe a word. You can’t break her.” His raging eyes flicked to me, appraising. “We’ll be out of here soon, Carmen.”
“You’ll die here, and by the time it happens you’ll be begging for release.” Matt’s voice whipped through the air.
Nico turned to look at him, leveling a direct stare in Matt’s eyes. He was quiet, perfectly still. But suddenly, the volatility that was obvious in every fiber of his body seemed to become even more evident. “Is that so?” He finally asked, his words dropping as lightly as autumn leaves. But their weight seemed suffocating.
Nico turned away, towards me. “Carmen…did they hurt you?” His eyes raked my face, searching for any signs of mistreatment. There was no concern in his face or voice, only calculation. He was assessing damage.
I gaped at this complete stranger, taking in his face: the high cheekbones, the determined set of his jaw, the hair that was just the tiniest bit longer than normal, and the burning fierceness in his eyes. Then, I snapped. “Stop calling me Carmen!” I shouted at him. It was a crazy thing to do, but I was confused and scared. Unless I had an unknown identical twin, there was no way I could be mistaken for whoever Carmen was by three different people.

“My name is Danielle! Danielle Marie Falk! I’m just a normal high school senior, I haven’t done anything! I live with my mom, I have friends, I do well in school and I do mixed martial arts. My life has been perfectly normal until four hours ago, when these two idiots literally picked me up and threw me into their car while I was walking home! I have no idea who Carmen is, and I just want to go—” I love this "monologue" here, It reveals information about the character while also showing the panic and desperation that she's feeling in the situation. My only problem with it is the "I do mixed martial arts"
I did both Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and Grecko Roman Wrestling for 3 years, the first thing we learned in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu was how to grapple someone, so if someone were to come up to me and try to shove me into a car, they would end up on the ground with something dislocated or broken, even if they are stronger than the main character, I went up some very tough people in my Jiu-Jitsu days and I found different ways to handle them, My point is that if the Protagonist knows Mixed Martial Arts, they would probably know how to defend themself against an attacker. so why were they snatched so easily?


I cut myself off, breathing hard and near tears. No matter what, I would not admit that I was scared and wanted to go home.
Nico’s eyes burned at me with the same mixture of emotions as before, as though he’d blocked out what I’d said. “Give it up. They won’t believe that. Are the others safe?” The studied neutral tone in his voice was a sharp contrast to the explosive aura around him.
Kevin laughed. “Nice try, Carmen.” He turned to Matt. “Untie her, and bring her to Nico’s cell.” Then Kevin flung one last shark smile at me and left.
Matt moved behind me and undid all my ropes, slashing through them with his knife with one sure move. I felt the cold blade on my bare skin, and goosebumps rose. Matt’s low laugh told me he’d noticed. At the same time, he had a gun leveled at Nico. “Get up.” Matt ordered me.
I tried to get to my feet, but my legs were completely numb. Nico ignored Matt’s gun and stepped forward. Without a word, he scooped me up into his arms. I tensed and looked at his face, but Nico didn’t glance down at me as he began to walk. I wanted to push away, but the arms supporting me were rock hard. Nico was lean, but he was undoubtedly strong. His body was warm, but somehow I'd expected it to be burning the same way his eyes did.
There had to be some way I could maintain control over the situation. “I don’t want your help.” I hissed at him. “I don’t even know you.”
Nico didn’t even glance down at me. “Be quiet, Carmen.”
The circulation was coming back into my body, and that damn name made me angry. “I can walk by myself now, thanks.” I snapped.
Nico stopped walking and swiftly put me down. When he glanced at me, I was left breathless by the intense whirlpool of emotions in his eyes. There was no compassion mixed in there.
“Both of you walk right next to each other.” Matt ordered from behind us. “No funny business.”

For one insanely immature moment, I wanted to turn around and stick out my tongue. I wanted to cross my arms and pout and ignore everyone, because I had no idea of what was going on. Again, I love this bit. When confronted with something that they don't understand, most people will act immature. this is great.

Instead, I didn’t say anything, stalking angrily forward until Matt told us to stop. Nico and I were guided into another room: a little bigger than the first one I’d been in and even more dismal. The only light came from a tiny window about three feet above my head. “Someone will be by to see you soon.” Matt announced, and with that, he was gone.
Nico silently sank into a sitting position against a wall. He watched me for a moment, then spoke. “You might as well relax. Soon means anything from five minutes to a day.”
I glared at Nico—or rather, his general direction. If I looked him the eyes, all I’d feel was that paralyzing fear. “Shut up. Who the hell are you? Who’s Carmen? Why am I here?”
“Why not ask Matt? He’s more than eager to slice you to pieces. Give him the slightest reason to do so—including admitting that you’re not Carmen and having them believe you—and you’ll never go home. Or maybe a piece of you might: a finger or an eye or maybe, if Matt’s feeling brutal, your head, minus the eyes, ears, nose and all teeth.” The words were calm, emotionless. I stared at Nico, his blazing eyes and the moving stillness that he had even sitting.
“You’re a ruthless bastard.”
“Damn right.” Now ferocity entered Nico’s tone. “I’m a ruthless bastard, and that’s how I’ve survived. If you want to survive too, then you better shed that ‘better than thou’ air and get one thing straight: this isn’t a bad dream. This isn’t going to go away: you’re not going to wake up in a cozy bed in your neat little house in your cute neighborhood.” Primal, raging, destructive. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut with the fierceness of Nico’s words, the hatred in it.
"You hate me. Why?” I managed not to make my voice tremble, but suddenly I realized I’d rather take my chances tied to a chair in a room with Matt than here in this room with Nico.
Nico’s eyes didn’t turn cold—it was impossible, when they blazed through the air. They just burned stronger, until I felt scorched. “I don’t hate you. I don’t feel anything towards you. All you are is a decoy: I gave them the opposite description of Carmen and they found you: light blond hair, grey blue eyes, waif-like, fragile. They did a good job.” He gave me a calculating up and down. “You’re a very breakable person, Danielle.”
I stiffened and glared to ignore the pounding of my heart. His quiet, almost amused voice shocked and terrified me. Breakable. He said the word casually, but I could see in the way his eyes burned that he knew what he was talking about. “I’m a lot tougher than I look. You can’t break me.”
Nico laughed. It was a throaty, rough sound. “Yes, I can. I’m good at breaking people.” He didn’t seem like the teenager he was in that moment. He seemed like an angel of death.
“Right now, you’re convenient. But it’s only a matter of time before they realize you’re not Carmen, and then they’ll kill you.” He paused, weighing thoughts in his mind. “Leaving you here would be convenient, but soon enough it’ll get dangerous. They’ll try to use you before getting rid of you. So unfortunately, you’ll be coming with me. We need to stay one step ahead in this game.”
I felt cold all over. There was no lie in Nico’s voice, just hard truth. “Bastard.” I whispered. Nico inclined his head as though accepting a compliment. I found my voice and tried to control my shaking hand. “I can’t believe you! Convenient? Game? Decoy? This isn’t a game, this is my life! You’re a monster! How is that possible, when you’re not a lot older than I am? What are you, eighteen?”
Nico laughed again. “Yes, not that age matters. Monsters come in all shapes and sizes.” He sized me up. “When I was young my sister told me that if I couldn’t see the monsters, they couldn’t see me. That’s not true. Monsters are everywhere, hiding.” He smirked. “It’s the most ancient, primal game in the world. Hide and seek, hunter and hunted. These days little kids play it to take away the pounding fear and thrill of the chase, but it’s still the same. I play hide and seek—but the older, darker kind.” All the words he’d used so far struck me deep. It was all Nico: primal and dark, untamable.
Nico’s eyes were on me. “So, yes, this is a game. And this little detour isn’t going to stop me.” He gestured around the cell. Being kidnapped is a little detour?
“What would stop you, then?” I demanded, angry because he was scaring me.
His eyes locked with mine, and suddenly all that volatile, explosive emotion flared. “Nothing stops me, once I start hunting.”

~~~ What is this? there doesn't seem to be any time passing here, Is this a page break? if so, these are BIG pages!

I swallowed hard. “So why are you still here?”
“Because, unfortunately, I’m waiting to recover.” Nico said casually. The 'Unfortunately' doesn't seem necessary. and without it, the 'Because' becomes awkward as well. a simple "I'm waiting to recover" would do it in this case.

Now it was my turn to look him up and down. “You don’t look like you’re recovering from anything.” No, he looked fit and lethal and oddly beautiful. The burning passion in his eyes, his dark hair, the smooth, hard planes of his face…yes, he was beautiful, but chillingly so.
Broken.
The word came out of my sub-consciousness and I immediately pushed it away. Nico, broken? He wasn’t broken, he was the one who broke others. He’d said it himself: You’re a very breakable person, Danielle. I’m good at breaking people.
But I couldn’t shake the word from my mind. Beautiful, broken, lethal, explosive.
Nico’s smile was cynical. “Yes, Kevin didn’t want his persuasions to leave scars in obvious places.”
My anger and fear vanished. I thought to the hours where I’d been tied to that chair, without any knowledge of what was going on. I thought of Kevin’s shark smile and didn’t want to imagine what persuasion was used. “I’m sorry.” The words slipped out before I could stop them, or they never would have taken life.
Nico’s face darkened. “I don’t need your sympathy.”
My eyes narrowed. “I’m not sympathizing. I’m sorry that you didn’t kill him before he got the chance to hurt you or kidnap me. Believe me, I don’t feel a think for you.” Liar. It wasn’t until I said the words that I realized I was wrong. Nico was different from anyone I’d ever met, but somehow, something about him made my heart ache. The pain. That was it. The pain I’d seen in his eyes, the very first second I’d seen him.
But now Nico was watching me with an unreadable expression. The burning passion was still there, but restrained. “Kill? That’s an interesting thing for you to say, Danielle. You don’t strike me as the ruthless type. Do you really know what it is, to kill? Do you really want Kevin dead?”
I was silent, but Nico could read my expression. “I didn’t think so. Such passion and hatred is something I don’t think you’ve ever felt. I don’t think you have what it takes to kill someone, to watch someone die.”
“I’m glad I don’t.” I snapped back, feeling my stomach coil.
Nico shook his head like he was reprimanding a small child who’d spoken out of turn. “Are you really? I have what it takes, and I’m glad.” He paused, watching me. “But then again, I’m a hunter.” He wasn’t talking about animals, I could tell that immediately. “Do you think I’m a bad person, Danielle?” He asked softly, voice mocking.
I stared into those wild eyes, and I knew the answer. No. But I couldn’t tell him that. “I think you’re ruthless.”
"Am I a bad person?” He asked again, his eyes refusing to release me.
I cursed. “Damn you, no, you’re not. I don’t know why not, but I don’t think you are.”
Nico’s mocking smile disappeared. He hadn’t expected that answer, and I’d seen shock flit across his face, along with another emotion. Had that been relief? “I’ve killed people. I’ve broken their spirits. I’m the reason you’re here, because I gave them your description. You must think I’m a bad person.”
I licked my lips, which had suddenly gone dry. He was right. I should think he was a bad person. No. “I think you’re a survivor. I don’t believe in John Locke and Thomas Hobbes and all their crap about people being born good or evil. People are born survivors and adapters. We do what we have to. Even if that means embracing darkness.”
Nico was staring at me now. I’d thrown him off. “Too much darkness rots the soul.” He countered.
I returned his look. “Do you think you’re a bad person?”
“I know it.” Nico’s voice was rock steady, completely convinced.
Broken.
“You’re wrong.” I told him, finally sitting down against a wall. And we stayed in silence.


Overall, this is an excellantly written piece. you drew me in and kept me captivated until the end. Please, write more! I want to see this story continued. some parts of Dialogue just bothered me, everything else was great! there was one part that bothered me, an odd phrase out of place. but I couldn't find it again.
Help, help! I'm being repressed!
  





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Thu Dec 23, 2010 4:12 am
paperbackheart says...



okay it grabbed my attention. there were some odd places though and i find it odd that the main character would sympathize with Nico so quickly. That was a little unrealistic for me. There was also what the person before said, when Danielle says harrassing teenage girls who can't fight, it ruins the whole tough girl look. Her freak out though was completely realistic and reveals a lot about her. The previous reviewer pointed out most of the things that I saw...so I really don't have much to say. Ah yes, I also like the fact that her mom calls. It's very considerate. And I believe that kidnappers would have done that to her, making her talk and all. Shouldnt she of called the police though if she had her phone on her?

Thanks for writing a good chapter! It kept my interest and I look forward to reading more!
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Thu Dec 23, 2010 4:14 am
paperbackheart says...



okay it grabbed my attention. there were some odd places though and i find it odd that the main character would sympathize with Nico so quickly. That was a little unrealistic for me. There was also what the person before said, when Danielle says harrassing teenage girls who can't fight, it ruins the whole tough girl look. Her freak out though was completely realistic and reveals a lot about her. The previous reviewer pointed out most of the things that I saw...so I really don't have much to say. Ah yes, I also like the fact that her mom calls. It's very considerate. And I believe that kidnappers would have done that to her, making her talk and all. Shouldnt she of called the police though if she had her phone on her? And I don't think it is necessarry to put "I think" when she was thinking to herself. She didn't do it during the first set of thoughts, so it isn't nessessary now (I think).

Thanks for writing a good chapter! It kept my interest and I look forward to reading more!
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Thu Dec 23, 2010 4:32 pm
maxlovesfang15 says...



I think this was really good. Apparently I can't tell you what to fix because th first person who commented said what was needed to be fixed. But I think this would make a good movie! Keep Writing!
"You must be some kind of deluded because when I look at you I see the most beautiful girl in the entire universe." -Christopher James Leming, my sweet boyfriend
  





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Thu Dec 23, 2010 4:38 pm
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CaitlinGrant says...



Thanks for all the reviews and good points, they really helped! :D oh, and the ~~~ is my version of a chapter break.
'I didn't know that I could ever forgive him for everything he'd done to me. Now that I looked back on it, that he'd put a child through such torment seemed even worse. But right now, it wasn't him I was forgiving or thanking. It wasn't even about him.
I was forgiving myself.' -Speak Into Silence
  





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Fri Jan 07, 2011 12:01 pm
muwzmuwa says...



nice storyline
  





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Wed Jan 12, 2011 4:26 am
z999993 says...



I really like this story! :)
1. I feel like there is something really bad behind Nico (I'm getting that kind of vibe)
2. The characters are made up well. They have detailed personalities and traits.
3. I like the setting you've created.

Hmmm, what else? Well, in all, I like this. Keep posting :)
  





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Sun Jan 30, 2011 3:17 am
Shearwater says...



Hey there! I'm sorry for getting to this so late but I'm here now.
My review isn't going to be very long or as detailed as I would like it to be so if you're okay with the abrupt shortness in this, that's great. However, if you have anything you'd like to question or want me to explain a little more then please send me a PM because I'd love to discuss anything further. I like to do that. Makes me feel like my review helped so don't feel shy! ^^

Alrighty, enough with the blabbering, let's get onto the real thing.

First of all, I liked your introduction - it was gripping in a sense and it did pull me into the story. That isn't an easy thing to do so I applaud you on that part. There is just one thing that I noticed while I was reading this though, that was the poor introduction to her kidnappers. You mentioned their names but we don't know who they are or what they want. I feel confused with these three captors and since you jumped into the action right away, I thought it was even more confusing. This doesn't seem to be an easy problem to fix though so maybe you could have worked up her fear and things a little more slowly. I'm not sure...Sorry for not being much help but again if you think like you need a deeper explanation, PM me. ;)
I can go on for paragraphs trying to explain myself and we don't want that.

One thing that I really want to compliment you on is your strong protagonist. I like her and even if she's in a heavy, fearful situation she's still able to dish out this sort of arrogance and you're able to make it believable in her characteristics so it doesn't feel weird. Using words like 'forced' and explaining how scared she is but still trying her best to fight back is interesting. -Then my logical side kicks in and tell me why would someone do that in this sort of situation? They did threaten her with guns, no? If I were her, I'd do my best to not make them angry. They are crazy people, aren't they? You'd have to be cautious with your words.

I also felt like you did a bit of dragging with the whole kidnapping scene. I thought it was longer than needed but then again, I like faster paced stories so take this bit with a grain of salt.
As for the last bit of the story, I find Nico to be a very interesting character that I would like to dig my teeth into. I'm just biased against darker characters and find them fun to explore and get to know the little secrets that burden them. We'll see how Nico turns out to be. xD

Overall, as a first chapter it was alright. It got my attention but then I was skimming by the middle because I was tired of the conversation that seemed to be endless and didn't seem to be going anything anytime soon, sorry. But then the end grabbed me before I was lost so that counts for some points.

Onto the next!

-Pink
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Fri Feb 04, 2011 6:42 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey!

I liked this. The plot seems interesting so far and you've got me intrigued to find out what's going to happen next.

Nit-piks;

If I looked him the eyes, all I’d feel was that paralyzing fear.


I think it should be 'If I looked him in the eyes,'

Believe me, I don’t feel a think for you.”


'think' should be 'thing'

I didn't catch any other typos. I think your grammar was good and the piece flowed well.

This chapter raises a lot of questions - Who is Carmen? What are the two men after? Why is Nico involved? I plan on reading on to find out :)

As for characters, I thought Danielle was going to be all 'Damsel in distress' and I was ready to hate her for it, but you managed to make her likable. She's obviously scared but you haven't made her a mess of a girl who whines all the time.

I find Nico's character interesting. I love the way you describe him but be careful not to make him too broody otherwise he could become annoying.

So, great job and I look forward to reading on :)

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  








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