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Caleb's story, chapter three



what would you choose in Caleb's position, risking your life to fight evil, or staying at home?

I would stay at home and be happy with the ones I love
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I would feel I that since I'm the nation's best soldier, I have a duty to protect the world from evil
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Mon Dec 27, 2010 4:19 am
psudiname says...



Chapter three: to war


Caleb could not remember ever being this happy. His whole body was permeated with a euphoria that came from hope for the future. Caleb was going to war. That day had started out rather ordinary, with him working out and training with combat simulations, when Anton came into his room. He had just received a telephone call from the higher ups, who had cleared Caleb for deployment. he would ship out in three days. In those three days, he would be familiarized with some new equipment, and given a mission briefing. He could take nothing with him except what the military issued him, and would only return to the island after the war was over, or if he was given rest and relaxation leave.


"Since you are one of our best soldiers," Anton said proudly, "the military has seen fit to give you some special equipment."


Caleb smiled, and surveyed the large piece of metal before him. Anton told him it was armor, and that it was a very expensive gift from chairman Gorbechev. After about ten minutes of sealing the pieces of the armor around his body, Caleb began to get used to moving around in his new armored shell. Thanking both Gorbechev and the country he represented, Caleb happily inquired as to how the armor worked.
"it's electrically powered, so you can only use it in combat for about two hours before it needs recharging, and you'll need


help to take it off an put it on, but it is shock absorbent, and entirely bulletproof," explained Anton. It had been six years since he took Caleb in and the project had begun. He remembered that day and how it all began very clearly.
He had heard reports of an incredibly dangerous child, who had taken down three Russian soldiers with ease, and was anxious to see him for himself. Ascending the stairs of the penthouse that was now the child's prison, he had opened the door to a room with a small boy tied to a comfortable chair. Utilizing the little english he had, Anton gave Caleb a meal, and apologized for having to tie him up. He had told him that everything would be okay now, and that he was safe from the evils of America.


Caleb only spoke occasionally for a while after he was captured, and that was usually to shout in english at Anton. After almost a week, he had become docile enough to be let loose to wander the penthouse. A month after that, he began to believe bits and pieces of Russian propaganda, and started to see Anton as a father figure. Soon, Caleb succumbed to Stockholm syndrome, and immersed himself in soviet culture. He forgot his parents, who Anton had told him were secretly evil people, who were planning on selling him into slavery. When he asked about why he had never seen any of this evil, Anton told him it was mainly in the mainland of America, and that Alaska wasn't nearly as bad because of how close it was the Soviet Union.


After learning russian, Caleb began his training. Introduced originally as a series of games, both physical and video simulations, Anton eventually told him that he was ultimately training to be a soldier for the motherland. With visions of glory and victory, he centered his life around being a soldier, and for six years he trained and learned.


Anton was sad to see him go. Even though he would never admit it to anyone, Anton had actually grown to love Caleb like his own son, and was pained to part with him. Struggling to push his fond memories of the past six years from his mind, Anton reminded himself that this was nothing more than a job. A government project. That Caleb was a weapon, and that he shouldn't be getting emotionally attached to the boy.
"Make me proud, son," Anton said, hugging Caleb, who had finally been extracted from the armor with the Anton's help. The words didn't seem strange to Caleb, for Anton had been calling him 'son' for a while now, and he had always seen Anton as a father. Well, almost always.


After saying goodbye to his mentor and teacher, Caleb took the ferry to the other island to bid farewell to his friends. After saying a tearless and unemotional goodbye to the only two boys who didn't hate him, he found Eva to tell her the good news.


"Eva, I'm going! They're finally deploying me!" announced Caleb excitedly.

"Oh. I'm happy for you," Eva said sadly, looking down at the ground. A wave of sadness and pain washed over her.

"you don't seem very happy."

"I know this is what you've always wanted, but I... I don't want to lose you Caleb," remarked Eva, tears forming in her eyes. Caleb hated to see her upset, and as they stood on the hill and gazed at the ocean, he put his arm around her comfortingly.


"I'll come back, I promise you Eva, and then we'll see each other every day," said Caleb. He had tried not to think about it, but the news of his deployment was indeed bittersweet. While he was ecstatic to be going to war, he would hate to be away from Eva for so long, and would miss her dearly. He had been both hoping for this day, and at the same time dreading it.


"Caleb," she said, "please be safe." He nodded, and then held her in his arms for what felt like hours. Neither of them wanted to let go, but regardless, they had to. "at least I'll have something to look forward to when I return," thought Caleb to himself as the ferry slowly took him further from the island. When it arrived, he found a helicopter waiting for him. Soon he was flying away from what had been his home for six years, and despite being sad for all that he was leaving behind, he felt ready to embark on a glorious campaign for the motherland.

link to next chapter: viewtopic.php?t=73924
Last edited by psudiname on Fri Dec 31, 2010 10:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.
  





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Mon Dec 27, 2010 4:59 am
HIGHWHITESOCKS says...



A thousand times better with description, I really managed to get the whole feeling of "going to war, excitement, adrenaline" and all that jazz. Keep improving upon your descriptions, and use some more physical things. Show, don't tell. Show us how Caleb feels about going to war instead of telling us. Show us how Anton feels about sending him off (maybe he's a little concerned to see him go?). Show how Eva feels about having to say goodbye, don't just say what she said.
You're getting better, it's visible, but you still need to expound upon descriptions, use more physical details in those descriptions, and make your dialogue less words and more body. Also, the conversation between Caleb and Eva falls really flat, I think. Embellish a little! Really flare up those emotions! Getting a person you care about called for war isn't so compliant (I'd be pretty emotional if you were off to fight in Alaska, haha). Use some less cliched dialogue also. "I don't want you to go"? Come on, you're more creative than that! Make this conversation the Baroque off all departures! I want to see some tears and shouts and real passion here! I want to be sad that Caleb's leaving by the end! And also spruce up the Anton-Caleb dialogue a bit. Father/Son conversations are usually a little more outspoken than that.

You're getting better, and I hope you keep getting better. Keep writing!
- SOCKS (your good friend)
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Fri Dec 31, 2010 9:12 pm
ArcticMonkey says...



Hey. It's me again!

Nitpicks and suggestions in the spoiler, as always!
Spoiler! :
Caleb could not everremember ever being this happy.

His whole body was permeated with an euphoria that came from hope for the future.

He would ship out in three days.

"It's electrically powered, so you can only use it in combat for about two hours before it needs recharging, and you'll need
Big gap? Push it back together. 8)

help to take it off an put it on, but it is shock absorbent, and entirely bulletproof,"

Utilizing the little English he had, Anton gave Caleb a meal, and apologized for having to tie him up.

After learning Russian

After learning RA government project. That Caleb was a weapon, and that he shouldn't be getting emotionally attached to the boy.

Clauses. Remember the rules of clauses to rephrase this. If you're stuck, click http://www.whitesmoke.com/clauses-in-englishhere.
"You don't seem very happy."


I agree with HIGHWHITESOCKS in saying that you’re improving. You’re improving a lot! You’re past chapters were a bit shaky but this is certainly the best one in terms of being well written. Well done! The pacing was really good and you’re characters are improving.
Like I said before, I have no problem with the plot. I’m kind of shaky on the whole subject of your novel, so it’s a little hard for me to read, however I think you’ve got a really nice story. Make sure you don’t fall into the traps of any cliché whatsoever. The part with Caleb and Eva is very sweet and quite touching, however I think it’s really rushed. The dialogue is quite flat and not very realistic. Look up on some articles to help you with the dialogue. I’ve noticed that you explain a lot of back story’s, I know it’s important to the novel however you need to find some more interesting ways to say this. Because right now, all you are doing is telling telling telling, no showing.

I, again, haven’t learnt much more about Caleb, however it’s not a bad thing. I’d like to talk about Anton here. Because, Anton is a character who you’ve really used some good techniques to portray. I know that Caleb is your protagonist, but feel free to show Anton’s thoughts if you can, that will really help with the characterization.

The wording is generally quite good; however sometimes it didn’t flow well, but I mentioned that in the spoiler. Remember to use some interesting words, every now and again look up a word you’ve used in the thesaurus. I like how you haven’t tried too hard to use other words for said, because too many writers do that (like me ;))

It paced quite well, however when you’re talking about a back story there is just a big chunk of telling about it and it clashed with the other paragraphs, if you see what I mean. Have you ever read Holes? Because in that story there is a lot of other stories, which are clearly explained.

This whole part with Eva and Caleb is probably the worst part of this chapter. As I mentioned before, the dialogue falls flat a lot. Also, it’s kind of rushed, and it’s a very important part so try and change it to make sure it’s more exciting.

I think you’ve got whole loads of potential. Keep at it!
~Tamara :) x
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Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:18 pm
Sins says...



Hey again! Sorry it's taken me a while to get to this. :)

Now, I hope it's okay because I haven't reviewed chapter two of this. It's just that I wouldn't have had much else to say, especially anything to add since my review on chapter one. Because of that, I'm just going to review this chapter. Is that alright? I will review the second chapter, if you want, but I don't think I'd be much help. To be honest, I have a feeling this review won't be of much help...

One thing I will say is that I agree with the others. This chapter is an improvement on the last two, not that your last two were bad or anything. I can certainly see your writing improving as the chapters go on though! One thing I'm glad you've done here is explained a little more about Caleb's history and how he ended up in Russia. Although some parts still seem a bit iffy to me - him forgetting his parents entirely, for example - I can cope with it. Your writing overall has improved to, so well doen for that.

To be honest, my critique for this chapter isn't much different to what I said in my first review. I'm wishing I hadn't mentioned some things now. That way, I'd actually have something decent to tell you here! Okay, the one thing that really stood out for me was the dialogue at the end. I think it feels a little stiff. By that, I mean we don't get a very vivid feel of the emotions. I think it may be due to lack of some descriptions. Well, not exactly... but maybe lack of emotional descriptions. Even if it means being melodramatic, just remember that you can tone it down afterwards.

The other thing that stood out for me here was something I have mentioned already, but I will just remind you of it. Although I do have to say that it has improved, I'm still finding this a little too telly, not showy. You're telling us a lot of facts and such, but not really showing us. I'm not going to press into many details because I've already brought this up. Well, I think I have. If I haven't, I'm probably just going mental. Anyway, that is something I think you need to bear in mind.

I'm sorry I haven't been much help... Keep writing!

xoxo Skins
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Tue Jan 04, 2011 12:11 am
AllyGrLxOX says...



Hey there, AllyGrLxOx here to review as requested! Sorry it took me a couple days to post the review! :P
I'm going to be a tad nitpicky with some things so don't fret!

This storyline is very intriguing and clearly shows that you know your facts, I can also tell that the story is well thought out! So for that I applaud you! :D

Although this has already been pointed out I'm going to repeat it; you do alot of telling! Since we are in fact reading the story some more showing would be lovely!

There were sometimes when you didn't capitalize the first word in your dialogue, that interrupts the flow and is distracting so you might want to go back and edit that.

The words didn't seem strange to Caleb, for Anton had been calling him 'son' for a while now, and he had always seen Anton as a father. Well, almost always.

I believe that this sentence can be taken out, you've already told the reader that Anton sometimes calls Caleb "son."

A wave of sadness and pain washed over her.

Uhm that right there is a window of opportunity for some juicy details and descriptions about Eva's feelings about Caleb's departure. Please do spice up their conversation and add in that extra dose of pain and sorrow the readers are begging for! :)

Soon he was flying away from what had been his home for six years, and despite being sad for all that he was leaving behind, he felt ready to embark on a glorious campaign for the motherland.

I don't really enjoy this ending, I think the word "sad" needs to go. In that sentence you should still refer to how he's ready to embark on his campaign but I'd suggest rewording how sad he is.

Well those are all the nitpick's I've got!

This is a great story that you've got going on, every chapter keeps getting better and better and I do mean that!
Keep up the great work! :D

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Feel free to PM me(:
HEY YOU!
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http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/novel.php?id=877
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