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Caleb's story chapter six



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Sun Jan 02, 2011 10:27 pm
psudiname says...



Chapter six: behind enemy lines


Caleb felt a multitude of arms lifting him. Barely conscious, he guessed that they belonged to McClellan and his company, who were undoubtedly taking him back to their camp. He felt himself being wrapped in some sort of fur, and eventually, he felt the temperature rise. After about an hour of shivering profusely and desperately attempting to get warm while laying on a soft surface, Caleb became conscious enough to open his eyes and ascertain where he was.


When he did, he was shocked. He was laying on a small child sized bed in someone's bedroom. Toy cars and other things laid on the floor, and the walls were an off white color. He felt oddly at home, and then realized that he was in enemy territory. There were no Russian towns in Alaska, and he deduced that he must be in an American home. Eyeing the window as a possible escape route, Caleb jumped when the door opened. Sitting up and wrapping himself with his fur coat protectively, Caleb took note of the person who entered. A young woman, probably about thirty stood in the doorway with concerned look on her face.

"Oh you're awake," she said excitedly, "are you warm?"

"yes," said Caleb, who was still a little cold, but didn't want to distress the woman. "where am I?"

"My husband found you in the snow, and we brought you back here, to our place. Where are your parents?"

"they," Caleb said, pausing as he thought of an excuse, "they're not with me anymore."

"Oh. I see," responded the woman, suddenly looking sad.

"who do you live with?" she asked cautiously

"I have a... an uncle," Caleb said, trying to be quick on his feet. The woman probably attributed his odd behavior to the cold.

"Ok, well you're free to stay with us as long as you need until we can get you back home."

"thanks," said Caleb, taken aback by the hospitality.

"wait here, I'll go get you some soup."


She left the room before Caleb could thank her again. He didn't know what to think. The whole situation was all very confusing. That woman was the enemy. She was an American and probably would kill him if she figured out who he was. Caleb wondered how such a nice woman could be American, and had to remind himself that she must just be warm and friendly on the outside, while cold blooded and heartless on the inside. This was capitalist territory, and Caleb was not safe.


"I have to get out of here as soon as possible," he thought, "and I'll need a weapon." Looking around for his stolen assault rifle, Caleb began to get nervous. "at least it's not an AK47, that way if they found it they won't think I'm Russian," Caleb reminded himself, trying to give himself reassurance.


"I'm back, and I'd like you to meet someone," said the woman cheerily. "This is david." The door opened to reveal both the woman and a small boy who Caleb presumed to be her son. He was about six, and was looking down at the floor shyly.

"hey little guy," said Caleb with a smile. He looked sort of like Caleb but with very short hair, and a slighter build. Suddenly Caleb wished he had had a brother growing up.

"Say hi David, this is, um, what did you say your name was?"

"Caleb," he said, remembering too late to give a fake name.

"Hi Caleb," the boy said quietly, looking up at him ever so slightly.

"is this your bedroom?"

"yes."

"thank you for lending it to me. That was very nice of you."

"you're welcome," the child said, seeming a little bit less on edge, but still looking mostly at the ground.


Caleb could remember back when he was that young. He recalled all the times he played in the snow with his friends, and woke up on Saturday to watch cartoons. Sometimes his mother would bake cookies for him and his friends. "no! stop!" he thought. These memories were bad. His parents were evil people, and he had to remember that. This place was bringing back too many memories that Anton had forbidden him to think of.

"say, uh-"

"Anne. Call me Anne.

"say Anne, when you found me, was there... anything lying beside me?" Caleb asked cautiously, not wanting to ask if she
had found his machine gun.

"not to my knowledge. My husband said you were just lying there by yourself. Did you lose something?"

"no, just wondering."


After that he ate the soup, burning his tongue before Anne could warn him it was hot. Over the next two days he stayed at their home which was located in a small Alaskan town near the coast. He helped around the house to show he was grateful, and although David was willing to give up his bed, Caleb insisted that he take the mattress on the floor so that David could have it. He kind of liked it at this house, and was sad he had to leave.


Soon he met Anne's husband, dale. He was a gentle young man of about thirty five, and he was very kind to Caleb, giving him some spare clothes for whenever he might leave. He treated Caleb as if he was his own son, and looked after him in the same way he looked after David.


One day, as they ate lunch Caleb began to be curious about American culture, and started to be more audacious in his questioning.

"do you have any servants?" asked Caleb.

"no, we're not that rich," Anne said, chuckling a little to herself.

"what about slaves?"


Everyone at the table froze, ceasing to eat their grilled cheese to stare at Caleb in awe. Caleb felt extreamly embarrassed and was about to apologize for asking when Dale spoke up.

"Caleb, slavery was abolished over a hundred years ago."

"oh. Is there slavery anywhere in America?"

"no, what on earth gave you that idea?" piped in Anne.

"oh I've just... heard stories."

"well I don't know who told you that, but they must have been lying."

"I guess," said Caleb, suddenly very befuddled.


on the morning of the third day that he was at their house, right before he was about to leave, disaster struck. The familiar deafening crack of automatic rifles sounded outside.

"get to the basement!" commanded Caleb.

"but-" said dale.

"Do it now!" said Caleb, his voice like that of a military man. Dale and the other members of his family all obeyed at once, wondering why such a young boy was taking charge of the situation. Caleb ran outside. There were thirty soviet soldiers with machine guns marching through the streets casually. Every five seconds or so, one would fire off about six rounds into the air, causing American civilians to flee from their houses in terror.

"What are you doing?" shouted Caleb in Russian.

"hey look, this one speaks Russian," said one soldier to his comrades.

"this town has no soldiers or military forces, you don't need to attack it."

"we're taking this territory, I would advise that you run, little boy." Sneered a soldier to Caleb. Caleb wanted to punch him, but knew that would not be the best idea while he was surrounded by armed soldiers.

"get the civilians out of the houses. Then burn them all," commanded the leader.
Caleb's first thought was that he meant to burn the civilians, and he was about to go warn his new friends when he realized they were already outside of the house, standing behind their small car with concerned looks on their faces. Clearly they had gone out to see if Caleb was in danger. In a moment of panic, Caleb began to run to them until he realized what the man had meant


All of a sudden, as Caleb stood in awe, one of the soldiers threw some type of canister through the window of the house that Caleb had been staying at. With a loud pop, it exploded, sending plumes of flame out of the newly broken window. The flames warmed Caleb's face, contrasting the cold Alaskan air. he stood in shock, staring up at the house as it caught fire extraordinarily quickly. The soldiers walked along, burning every house, and it became clear that they were not going to harm the civilians. With one final look at the three members of his impromptu family, Caleb fled.
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.
  





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Mon Jan 03, 2011 1:00 am
HIGHWHITESOCKS says...



This chapter has a lot of, how would I say, half-things. I like the idea of him finding a friendly family to stay with, and I especially like the slavery question, cause it really establishes the difference between the two countries' opinions. But you don't really give the reader time to be attached to the new characters. This would be okay if they didn't have such a role as his hosts, but since they have a pretty important role, you should at least have Caleb interact with them more.
Your dialogue is a little better here, but is still devoid of physical details. Don't tell me that Caleb is thinking, SHOW me that he's thinking (is he looking off into space? scratching his chin? grinding his knuckles? something he does when he thinks?) You really gotta fill their mannerisms with emotion as well as their environment. Characters are at least half of every story, so make them nice and round and interesting!
Keep improving buddy! And I'll keep reading!
- SOCKS
Would you kindly?
  





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Mon Jan 03, 2011 12:51 pm
Sins says...



Me again. :P

Oh, I liked this chapter. I think it taught Caleb a bit of a lesson about reality. I'm also still really liking the originality of this novel, so yay for you. Although I did like this chapter, there are still some things that I'd like to mention whe it comes to critiques.

This is a chapter where you really need to think about the critiques I've given you. It needs to be full of emotion, and also needs to be at a steady pace. The problem right now is that because this chapter moves so fast, we can't feel emotionally connected to your new characters. Then before we know it, he runs off and leaves his short term family. I'm not sure if you're planning on bringin them back into it at any point, but even if you don't, we still need to feel a connection with them.

What I'd suggest for you to do is to simply lengthen this chapter. You could maybe even add in another chapter for this actually, where you show us Caleb's life with this family. I want you to make him feel at least a little bit close to them, so that when they go their seperate ways, we feel emotional about it. I want you to show us how American life is different to Russian life. Show us, and Caleb, that what he's been told abotu the Americans isn't all true. I want you to make Caleb reconsider everything, make him wonder if the Russians have been honest with him.

Also, you had a bit of a memory of Caleb's parents here, didn't you? I would actually like to see you making that a bigger deal. Until now, he couldn't remember much at all from his American life. I want the memory to shock him, to make him feel emotions towards those memories. I know he tries to shake them out of his head, but while they're there, how do they make him feel? Does it make his heart twist in a longing for his parents? You mentioned something about old friends too. Does he remember them? Basically, I'd really like for you make a bigger deal of the memory scene.

Other than that, I didn't see any problems with this. I really think that if you edit the chapters with the help of the reviews you've been given, this could be seriously great. Just slow some things down and really bring out the emotions.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  








By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.
— Genesis 3:19