Young Writers Society

Chapter One
Order in the New World

It wasn't the first time the public had seen a peacekeeper action. But it was just as unnerving every time.
“Hey! Stop, thief!” A man called as a young hood ran away with the wallet lifted from his pocket. He tried to chase after the boy, but soon lost him in the crowd of the busy city avenue. His feet hit the concrete frantically as he twisted his head in all directions, wondering which way the boy had run off. The man's gaze darted from person to person, trying to pick out the thief’s black and blue jacket among the crowd, but over all the people coming and going, there was no hope.
“Thief!” He shouted again in despair. As he gritted his teeth and grabbed his head in anger, a gunshot rang out, and his face instantly went from a vicious frown to a frightened bit lip. He, along with all the bystanders in the vicinity, dropped to a crouching position.
All eyes turned to the center of the street, where three Grizzly soldiers stood; one of them brandishing a smoking 9mm pistol facing the sky. None of them wore the iron masks that the lowest ranked soldiers wore, but each of them wore the trademark burlap coats and cargo pants. In addition, the one with the gun had a steel shoulder guard on his right arm, the mark of a commissioned officer.
After the shot had echoed away, the three Grizzlies began slowly walking down the center of the brick road. The two behind the officer both held their M4A1 assault rifles at the ready. No one dared stand up or say anything.
“Did somebody say there was a thief?” The officer questioned the crowd in his heavy Russian accent. His voice sounded a thousand times louder and more intimidating than normal, as it was the only thing anyone could hear, save for the soldiers’ slow and easy footsteps.
“Well? Anyone want to step up and confirm or deny?” He asked, coming to a calm halt.
When nobody responded, the officer’s face took on a mock-offended expression. “Now this is hardly fair. My men and I,” he gestured to the two behind him, “went to our trouble of stopping the crowd to find this criminal, and now nobody wants to step up?”
Eventually the man who had been robbed got over his fear. He slowly stood on violently shaking knees to meet the Grizzly’s question. The three soldiers looked at him, as well as all the other bystanders. Their faces had no malice, but they frightened him to the point of cold feet all the same.
“I said it, sir,” he told the officer, his voice wavering as if he was about to cry. “I called out that there was a thief. He stole my wallet from my pocket.”
The Grizzly officer nodded and walked over to stand by the man, with his companions right behind. The Grizzly put a heavy hand on his shoulder, and the man felt as if it were pressing him to the concrete.
“Well that certainly isn’t good,” the officer said. He led the man back to the center of the street, never taking the hand off his shoulder. He was calm, and moving with confidence and control. The poor man he led was leg-locked, and struggled to stand up straight and keep his composure.
“Can you pick this wretched thief out from among the crowd?” The Grizzly asked him, tilting his head.
The man gulped, but nodded. He looked around, and eventually picked out the young boy wearing a black and blue jacket, and pointed to him. “That’s him,” was all he could manage.
The officer nodded to his men, and the two other Grizzlies approached the boy and asked him for the wallet back. He hastily dug into his pocket and gave it up, putting his hands above his head. The soldiers returned with the wallet, and one of them held it out for the man to take. He slowly extended his hand and gingerly removed it from the gloved palm before him.
“There, now that wasn’t so hard, was it?” One of the two lesser soldiers joked.
“Well now, could I have the young man who took the wallet please?” The officer called to the crowd, letting go of the other man, who walked away expediently. The crowd had been back on its feet for a moment now, but nobody wanted to move until the order was given.
The boy stood up and slowly walked over to the Grizzly with his head hanging shamefully. He knew he would be punished for his crime, and he knew that he’d been pointed out, so there was no point in resisting arrest.
“Why did you take this man’s wallet?” One of the grunt soldiers asked in a gruff voice. “The money your family is given wasn’t good enough?”
The boy didn’t say anything, because he knew anything he offered would be wrong.
The officer shook his head disapprovingly. “Well that sure is a shame. You do know there will be consequences, yes?”
The boy nodded slowly, still not saying a word.
In seconds, the officer pulled a large hunting knife with a partially serrated blade, and grabbed the boy’s arm with his strong left hand, holding it in a vice-grip.
He clearly wasn’t expecting this, and let out a panicked yelp, but one of the other soldiers smacked him in the back with his gun, and he stayed quiet.
The officer slowly lifted his knife and tapped the sharpened steel blade against the skin of the boy’s palm. He felt the boys pulse increase rapidly, and saw his face twist into a pained and terrified gaze.
“No! No, please! I’m sorry! I’ll never steal again! Please!” the boy yelled and shook his arm violently, but the Grizzly held onto his grip.
“Crimes against your countrymen are disgusting and low class,” the officer said somberly. “Your discipline must be administered.”
As the officer slowly brought the knife closer, the crowd that had gathered all ran in separate directions. No one came to answer the boy’s guttural screams of agony as the skin of his palm was raked off.

A mere 50 yards away, on a simple street corner, a young man watched the action of the Grizzly “peacekeeper” squad with powerless, cold indifference. He spat on the ground as the screams of the petty thief reached his ears. With a disgusted frown, he turned away and walked down the street in the opposite direction. He may have been weak now, but this young man was potentially one of the Grizzlies’ biggest threats.
He’d be denied many of his rights by the Russians; the rights that, only three years before, he never knew he could have had. Today he would have been old enough to vote in local and national elections, if there were any more of those in this country. He would have been old enough to drive a motor vehicle, if the Russians hadn’t restricted the use of cars to doctors, emergency responders, and of course, Grizzly soldiers. He could have had hope of becoming President of the United States of America one day, if the division of the states hadn’t been done away with, and the unified country converted to communism. Now it was just America, and the Grizzlies were in control. He, along with millions of other men and women, would never have those rights.
He slowly walked along the sidewalk, pulling up the hood of his rain jacket as the drops of cold water began to fall from the heavy gray clouds. Maybe they were weeping for the poor boy, victim of Grizzly discipline action, like so many other criminals with flayed palms, broken fingers, slashed backs, and other wounds.
He stopped at the door to a coffee house and showed his guest ticket to the Grizzly on guard. The soldier nodded to him, and he entered. It was almost laughable how many Grizzlies had to work security detail as a side job to supplement their wages as soldiers and enforcers. For all the things they changed, the Russian regime had no quarrel with American capitalism.
The man entered the coffee house, looked around at the several scattered tables, and found the one he was looking for. A young woman sat there, and smiled at him as he approached and took his seat.
“Afternoon, Joseph,” she said with a nod.
“And to you, Stephanie,” he responded. He poured himself some vanilla hazelnut coffee from the pot on the table and took a swig. No cream or sugar, he always drank it black.
“Well, happy birthday!” Stephanie patted him on the shoulder, trying to remain positive. “18 years old, that’s not bad.”
Joseph laughed, more to himself than to her. “Hopefully I’ll have the chance to have a 19th.”
As they sat and drank their coffee together, Stephanie couldn’t help frowning at Joseph’s low attitude. He was like this every time he saw a disciplinary action by the Grizzlies. To be fair, he had seen his father at gunpoint from one of the brown-clad demons, and he’d seen both of her parents brutally mauled as well. But there was no reason to be so bitter over things that weren’t in his control.
She moved her chair around and sat next to him. He was still taller than her by a few inches, despite the growing they’d both done in three years. “It’s okay,” she told him. “I hate them too.” She heard herself sniffle involuntarily, and the tears started flowing into Joseph’s shoulder. They always came when she thought about what the Grizzlies had done to her parents. “I hate them so much.”
Joseph was thankful for the sympathy, and returned her hug, holding her until she stopped crying. “You’re a strong girl, Steph,” he said. “Much stronger than any of those bastards in brown.”
Stephanie looked up at Joseph and hugged him tighter. “Thank you.”
Joseph brushed a stray strand of hair out of her face with a mock smile. He usually always felt better helping people, but the only thing that cheered him up at times like this was visiting the local resistance headquarters. He had been on a suspect watch since the rebels’ robbery of the Grove City arms plant a week ago, so that was currently out of the question. But they could only keep watch on him for 10 days unless he committed any other related crimes, so he was almost free.
The bell above the door rang, and they turned to see who had entered. A tall man dressed in a long green coat with the hood up looked over and nodded to them. He was almost unrecognizable without his brown uniform, but they’d know the stern expression anywhere.
“Greetings,” he said as he sat down with them.
“Hello Marko.” Stephanie nodded to him and offered him the pot of coffee. But he refused, instead filling his own mug with hot water and adding an Earl Grey tea bag.
Joseph didn’t say anything, only kept an eye on his watch.
“Something troubling you, Yosef?” Marko prodded him in the side with an elbow. He had always called him Yosef, as it was the Russian equivalent, and he hadn’t lost his Russian accent. From anyone else, it would have been annoying, but Joseph didn’t mind Marko saying it.
“No, Marko. I’m fine.” Joseph checked his watch again, as if willing time to accelerate would grind down his suspect watch faster.
“Ingels has to protect the whole of the group first,” the friendly Grizzly told him. “He doesn’t want to keep you out, but it’s for the good of everyone.”
Joseph knew he was right, but it still made him wake up angry every morning, knowing he couldn’t run any missions for the resistance.
“Well, what’s the latest word from Ingels?” Stephanie asked, taking another sip of coffee.
“The Romeo Sierra’s have been keeping a constant watch on November Victor. They’ll have an Alpha plan in three days, maximum,” he said.
Marko always spoke to them using the old NATO phonetic alphabet when talking about resistance operations. He was at the greatest risk of being discovered by the Grizzlies, as he was their inside operative. So he couldn’t afford to use such liberal speech in public.
Stephanie understood; what Marko said was that the recon scouts were keeping close watch on Captain Nikita Verneer, and were formulating an assault strategy. This particular Grizzly was one of the few female soldiers in the local regiment, and she was worth 10 of them all on her own. She was a hindrance to the resistance operations in Grove City, and the Ohio section, and Ingels wanted her out of commission.
“Sounds good, keep us posted,” Stephanie replied.
“Yeah. I want to be on that team,” Joseph said with a deep, somber voice.
Marko patted him on the shoulder. “In due time, Yosef. In due time.” With a final drink from his mug of tea, he got up and left the table.
Joseph was about to walk over to the counter and buy a buttered croissant, when he spotted something out of the corner of his vision. At a table several yards from his, a man was watching them, noting something on a pad of paper. He didn’t know that Joseph had seen him, but still casually looked away.
Joseph walked up to the counter and lingered there for a moment. As he suspected, the man at the table got up to leave. At the moment he turned to check that Joseph wasn’t behind him, Joseph looked directly at him and made a stern, frowning expression. The man’s eyes grew wide in panic as he pushed out of the doorway and ran.
Joseph immediately went on the chase, only a dozen or so yards behind as he ran out the door after the unknown observer. Joseph never decreased his running pace as the man led him around three right turns, two lefts, and another right and left on the road. He pushed bystanders out of his way roughly, zipped up his coat so it wouldn’t flap and slow him down, and dug in his heels to the sidewalk as he relentlessly pursued his stalker. After five or so minutes of senseless turns and drilling through crowds, the man attempted an escape route through a back alley. A loose brick in the path tripped him up, and he stumbled, giving Joseph just enough time to take a massive dive forward and grab onto his back, knocking him to the ground.
“Who are you? Who’s your employer?” Joseph shouted at the man, turning him over and pinning him under one knee.
Gasping from the heavy knee on his chest, the young man looked up at Joseph with fear in his eyes. Joseph let his knee ease a bit to allow him to speak.
“I’m nobody, sir. Nobody important,” he said in a strained and shaky voice.
“Why are you spying on me?” Joseph asked, not letting up for a second.
“I’m not telling you anything!”
Joseph pressed his knee down harder, and the man visibly took more effort to breath. “Tell me who your employer is!”
He choked and sputtered under the choking hold of Joseph’s knee, then relaxed himself in defeat. “I’m taking orders from a Grizzly officer.”
Joseph leaned down so close he could smell the whiskey on the man’s breath. “What officer?”
“The name is . . . err . . .” he tried to remember. “Nikita! Nikita something-or-other.”
“Nikita Verneer?”
“Yes, that’s it.” He looked up, a new glint of hope in his eyes. “I heard you talking to your friends. I know you’re an insurgent.” He was trying to retain some control, although his light skin was going even more pale, and nervous sweat glistened on his light brown hair. Joseph also felt the skin under the gray shirt bruise from the pin he’d placed on him.
He let off his restraint, and the man stood up, brushing himself off and gasping for breath. An angry frown spread across his face, and he wound up his fist to deliver a right cross punch.
Joseph had learned boxing skills from Marko, and ducked under the blow. He slipped the next blow, and faded away from the third. His follower was enraged now, and wound up an uppercut. Joseph took the slug in the stomach, because he heard footsteps enter the alley behind him, and an exclamation in Russian.
“Ahh!” Joseph grabbed his stomach and doubled over, even though the hit wasn’t even that hard. As he expected, the two Grizzlies came running to break up the fight. One of them grabbed the man from behind, and the other stood between them.
“What business is this here?” The one standing between them asked. Both of them were wearing the iron facemask that marked a grunt-level soldier.
“Wait! Wait!” The man said, struggling in the grip of the other soldier.
“What?” The soldier holding him tightened his grip and leaned closer to him. He was intimidated by the iron mask, but kept up his composure.
“I know this guy! He’s a resistance sympathizer!”
The two Grizzlies spoke to each other in Russian for a few sentences, then one of them looked at Joseph, who laughed.
“This man is a fool. I have no idea what he’s talking about.” He lied to the soldiers as straight-faced and serious as he’d been doing for the past three years of his life. He’d gotten very good at it after some help from Stephanie and Tanner Cooper.
The questioning Grizzly looked back at the man being held. “Spreading rumors against your fellows is distasteful,” he said, leaning close to the face of their captive.
“Okay, I might have heard wrong. But I really do know him! Right, man? He can vouch for me!” He looked at Joseph with wide, desperate eyes. Joseph knew that spreading lies about resistance efforts was a crime punishable by public beating, imprisonment, and sometimes, even death. He had the power to decide this man’s future in the next few seconds.
“Do you know him?” The holding Grizzly asked.
Joseph turned and began to walk out of the alley and back towards the street. “I don’t know what he’s talking about, sir,” he said without looking back.

Heya, Life here to review!

My first impression: Oh, this is going to be another one of those-- wait a second...
In other words, the first line didn't really draw me in. It was the text that came later that drew me in, which is not that big of a deal (seeing as the text was pretty great), but I like to put a lot of emphasis on the first line. Sure, you had action in the first line, but it seemed too vague to be interesting; it was the Grizzly soldiers that got my attention and kept it for the rest of the piece. But as I said, that's not a major issue.

I really liked your idea of a Communist America, and I personally absolutely love Russian characters in books (bonus points for that ). They're usually very stereotypical, but I liked how the Russian was drinking tea, instead of pulling out a flask of vodka in a very clichéd move. The world you've created is realistic, the characters fit the environment and you describe the action well. What I find it a bit lacking is in descriptions of the scenery. Adrenaline-pumping books have a tendency to focus too much on the action, so if you could add a little color to the background, it might add a layer of depth to it. Especially seeing as this is a world like our own, but still different, I'd like to know those differences in later chapters. Make them really pop out of the background, to give the story more feeling.

Hmm... what else was there? Oh yeah, the dialogue. It flowed pretty well and what the characters said matched their personalities. That's good. Also, the plot itself flowed well, everything happened because of something earlier, it wasn't just a jumble of random scenes stuck together. I find almost no grammatical errors, but here are the few I did find:


All in all, I found this to be very well written. The story seemed natural, the descriptions were fresh, and the chacters could have been real people for all I know. Great job, and keep me posted if you decide to post more of this, I'd be glad to read more. ^^ Keep writing!

Yours truly,
|WaitingForLife|

Thanks so much for the kind words! I really appreciate feedback, and I definitely will continue to refine the description. If you haven't yet read the prologue of this novel, I'd advise you to do so, as it gives the opening action to what this whole story is about. And if you have any advice for me there, all the better! If there's anything I can review for you, please let me know!
- SOCKS

Hello there, Ally here to review!
I haven't read the prologue so this review will be fully based upon chapter one!

This has a very interesting take on a "communist America," therfore it was a very interesting read and I'm interested to see the direction you take the story in. I only have a couple of nitpicks, most of them are in the begining since I think that it could use some improvement!

A man called as a young ruffian ran away with the wallet lifted from his pocket.

Honestly I can't stand the word "ruffian" in that sentence, and this purely might just be me! However when I read that sentence and saw the word ruffian I paused for a moment and thought to myself, "Ruffian? Really, a ruffian?" So I personally would change the wording to rouge, or someting else that's not "ruffian."

The man looked all around, frantically trying to pick out the thief’s black and blue jacket among the crowd, but he looked over all the people going and coming, there was no hope.

This sentence is kind of repetitive, you say "The man looked all around," then later on say again "he looked over all the people." I think that you can cut some of that sentence so that it's less repetitve.

“No! No, please! I’m sorry! I’ll never steal again! Please!” the boy yelled and shook his arm violently, but the Grizzly held onto his grip.

“Crimes against your countrymen are disgusting and low class,” the officer said somberly. “Your discipline must be administered.”

As the officer slowly brought the knife closer, the crowd that had gathered all ran in separate directions. No one came to answer the boy’s guttural screams of agony as the skin of his palm was raked off.

I think you did a good job with this, I was able to see what was going on and feel the thief's fear!

The rest of your story had a very impressive flow and was easy to comprehend, the reader can easily tell that you put alot of thought into your storyline!

He had the power to decide this man’s future in the next few seconds.

“Do you know him?” The holding Grizzly asked.

Joseph turned and began to walk out of the alley and back towards the street. “I don’t know what he’s talking about, sir,” he said without looking back.

Well that was certainly a defining moment for Joseph! I do believe that you portrayed it well, and in my mind his decision shows that Joseph is a flawed character. This makes him more realistic to the reader and so I congratulate you on good character development so far!

Sorry I don't have any more suggestions for you!
I thought this piece was very good and shows off your talent!
Keep up the good work!

Any questions?
Feel free to PM me(:

Thanks a million Ally! I'm glad you're telling me what works and what doesn't, so I can keep doing the good, and improving the bad. If I can return that favor in any way, please let me know!
- SOCKS

You're very welcome, it was a pleasure to read!
Well it would be very helpful if you could check out my novel; "Part of the Night" and give me your overall opinion?
For I'm having a terrible writers block and any suggestions would be lovely!

hey Socks, it's me again. I must say, the prologue piqued my attention, but this chapter has me hooked. I thought this was very good, and very little improvement is needed. there were a few confusing paragraphs in terms of wording, and one in terms of grammar, but for the most part I think the only way this could improve is if it gets a little more stylish. for instance, you used some nice choice words in here that stood out, and brought forth "ooh's and ahh's" from the reader, but you could get even better with this. simply add a few "subsequent's" or "vivacious's" or other rich words, and your story will be even better. as for grammar, in one sentece: "He may have been weak now, but this young man was potentially one of the Grizzlies’ biggest threats." you switch tenses. it might be better as: "he may have been weak then, but this young man was potentially one of the grizzlies' biggest threats." thats a small thing, but it's worthy of noting. anyway, I really like this due to your talent for description (which I envy) and your charecter development. I also liked your ending. it was chilling and it made a statement. looking forward to your next chapter (PM me) your friend,
---Psudiname

I'm being general here, I don't have much time to write a really long review, but great job! I can spot very little here that's wrong at all. I really like how the characters are coming along, that's one of the most important things for a good story to work in my opinion. You do a nice job of illustrating how much Joseph hates the Grizzlies, I sensed a lot of emotion there, pain, anger, etc. One thing though, I suggest adding some more emotion to Stephanie, you just seem to casually gloss what she felt when her parents were killed/beaten, shouldn't she be just a mite more upset? Other than that though, this is wonderful, keep it up!

Hey Socks!! I’ve been really wanting to check out your portfolio for a while now and I’ve finally gotten around to reviewing some of it! I hope that at least some of what I have to say will be helpful, especially since you’ve done so much for me

Chapter One
Order in the New World
It wasn't the first time the public had seen a peacekeeper action. But it was just as unnerving every time.
“Hey! Stop, thief!” A man called as a young hood ran I don’t really get what you mean by ‘young hood’ here. Did you mean the hooded figure looked like a young kid? It’s a little unclear. away with the wallet lifted from his pocket. He tried to chase after the boy, but soon lost him in the crowd of the busy city avenue. His feet hit the concrete frantically as he twisted his head in all directions, wondering which way the boy had run off It seems if the city was that crowded, it would be difficult to merely walk around, let alone have enough space to run. Was he pushing people aside? . The man's gaze darted from person to person, trying to pick out the thief’s black and blue jacket among the crowd, but over all the people coming and going, there was no hope.
“Thief!” He shouted again in despair. As he gritted his teeth and grabbed his head in anger, a gunshot rang out, and his face instantly went from a vicious frown to a frightened bit lip I really like the description here, but the emotions seem to clash a little. First, he shouts in despair. Despair means hopeless, miserable, depressing, then you have him switch to anger and frustration in a heartbeat. On top of that, he also quickly becomes frightened. I mean, all of this can happen, but the way your quick pace makes it all seem right on top of each other. He, along with all the bystanders in the vicinity, dropped to a crouching position.
All eyes turned to the center of the street, where three Grizzly soldiers stood; one of them brandishing a smoking 9mm pistol facing the sky. None of them wore the iron masks that the lowest ranked soldiers wore, but each of them wore the trademark burlap coats and cargo pants. In addition, the one with the gun had a steel shoulder guard on his right arm, the mark of a commissioned officer.
After the shot had echoed away, the three Grizzlies began slowly walking slowly walking’ sounds a little bland. Maybe they marched deliberately, or something like that. down the center of the brick road. The two behind the officer both held their M4A1 assault rifles at the ready. No one dared stand up or say anything.
“Did somebody say there was a thief?” The officer questioned the crowd in his heavy Russian accent. His voice sounded a thousand times louder and more intimidating than normal, as it was the only thing anyone could hear, save for the soldiers’ slow and easy footsteps.
“Well? Anyone want to step up and to confirm or deny?” He asked asked is a little too simple to use here. Demanded or challenged would sound better, I think. , coming to a calm halt.
When nobody responded, the officer’s face took on a mock-offended expression. “Now this is hardly fair. My men and I,” he gestured to the two behind him, “went to our trouble of stopping the crowd to find this criminal, and now nobody wants to step up?”
Eventually the man who had been robbed got over ‘got over’ could be changed to ‘overcame’ his fear. He slowly stood on violently shaking knees to meet the Grizzly’s question. The three soldiers looked again, I think you can make this word a little more vivid. What kind of look was it? at him, as well as all the other bystanders. Their faces had no malice, but they frightened him to the point of cold feet all the same.
“I said it, sir,” he told the officer, his voice wavering as if he was about to cry. “I called out that there was a thief. He stole my wallet from my pocket.”
The Grizzly officer nodded and walked over to stand by the man, with his companions right behind. The Grizzly put a heavy hand on his shoulder, and the man felt as if it were pressing him to the concrete. great! I love this sentence.“Well that certainly isn’t good,” the officer said. He led the man back to the center of the street, never taking the hand off his shoulder. He was calm, and moving with confidence and control. The poor man he led was leg-locked, and struggled to stand up straight and keep his composure.
“Can you pick this wretched thief out from among the crowd?” The Grizzly asked him, tilting his head.
The man gulped,butand (since nodding doesn’t contradict the fact that he gulped, ‘but’ is the wrong term) nodded. He looked around, and eventually picked out the young boy wearing a black and blue jacket, and pointed to him. “That’s him,” was all he could manage.
The officer nodded to his men, and the two other Grizzlies approached the boy and asked him for the wallet back I‘m wondering how they asked. Politely, or was it more demanding? . He hastily dug into his pocket and gave it up, putting his hands above his head. The soldiers returned with the wallet, and one of them held it out for the man to take. He slowly extended his hand and gingerly removed it from the gloved palm before him. the adverbs really slow down this last sentence. I’d remove one. ‘He extended his hand, and gingerly took his wallet from the soldier’s gloved palm.’ or something x)“There, now that wasn’t so hard, was it?” One of the two lesser soldiers joked. joked to the man who lost his wallet, or to the boy who handed it over?“Well now, could I have the young man who took the wallet comma please?” The officer called to the crowd, letting go of the other man, who walked away expediently how can you walk expediently? The word doesn‘t fit. . The crowd had been back on its feet for a moment now, but nobody wanted to move until the order was given. The crowd had returned to its feet, but was still hesitant to move until the order was given.The boy stood up and slowly walked over to the Grizzly with his head hanging shamefully careful again with your adverbs. It becomes obvious when you use too many words ending in ‘ly‘. If you pick stronger verbs in the first place, you won‘t need adverbs to describe them. ‘The boy rose and walked over to the Grizzly, his head drooping‘. not the best example, of course, but with ‘rose‘ we can imagine a more deliberate movement than ‘stood‘ and if his head was ‘drooping‘ we can connect that to both shame and embarrassment. . He knew he would be punished for his crime, and he knew that he’d been pointed out, so there was no point in resisting arrest.
“Why did you take this man’s wallet?” One of the grunt soldiers asked in a gruff voice. “The money your family is given wasn’t good enough?”
The boy didn’t say anything, because he knew anything he offered would be wrong.
The officer shook his head disapprovingly. “Well that sure is a shame. You do know there will be consequences, yes?”
The boy nodded slowly, still not saying a word.
In seconds, the officer pulled a large hunting knife with a partially serrated blade, and grabbed the boy’s arm with his strong left hand, holding it in a vice-grip.
He clearly wasn’t expecting this, and let out a panicked yelp, but one of the other soldiers smacked him in the back with his gun, and he stayed quiet.
The officer slowly I’m almost losing track of how many times you’ve said ‘slowly’ lifted his knife and tapped the sharpened steel blade against the skin of the boy’s palm. He felt the boys boy’s pulse increase rapidly, and saw his face twist into a pained and terrified gaze.
“No! No, please! I’m sorry! I’ll never steal again! Please!” the boy yelled and shook his arm violently, but the Grizzly held onto his grip.
“Crimes against your countrymen are disgusting and low class,” the officer said somberly. “Your discipline must be administered.”
As the officer slowly brought the knife closer, the crowd that had gathered all ran in separate directions. No one came to answer the boy’s guttural screams of agony as the skin of his palm was raked off.
A mere 50 yards away, on a simple I don’t really think you need ‘simple’ to describe a street corner. I mean, a street corner can’t exactly be complicated, can it? street corner, a young man watched the action of the Grizzly “peacekeeper” squad with powerless, cold indifference. He spat on the ground as the screams of the petty thief reached his ears. With a disgusted frown, he turned away and walked down the street in the opposite direction. He may have been weak now, but this young man was potentially one of the Grizzlies’ biggest threats. You don’t really need this last sentence. It’s like a big red arrow saying ‘this character will be important later on!’ I’d be more exciting for me if I could find that out on my own.He’d be denied many of his rights by the Russians; the rights that, only three years before, he never knew he could have had. Today he would have been old enough to vote in local and national elections, if there were any more of those in this country. He would have been old enough to drive a motor vehicle, if the Russians hadn’t restricted the use of cars to doctors, emergency responders, and of course, Grizzly soldiers. He could have had hope of becoming President of the United States of America one day, if the division of the states hadn’t been done away with, and the unified country converted to communism. Now it was just America, and the Grizzlies were in control. He, along with millions of other men and women, would never have those rights.
He slowly walked along the sidewalk, pulling up the hood of his rain jacket as the drops of cold water began to fall from the heavy gray clouds. Maybe they were weeping for the poor boy, victim of Grizzly discipline action, like so many other criminals with flayed palms, broken fingers, slashed backs, and other wounds.
He stopped at the door to a coffee house and showed his guest ticket to the Grizzly on guard. The soldier nodded to him, and he entered. It was almost laughable how many Grizzlies had to work security detail as a side job to supplement their wages as soldiers and enforcers. For all the things they changed, the Russian regime had no quarrel with American capitalism.
The man entered the coffee house in the last paragraph, you already told us he entered. So was he entering twice? x), looked around at the several scattered tables, and found the one he was looking for. A young woman sat there, and smiled at him as he approached and took his seat.
“Afternoon, Joseph,” she said with a nod.
“And to you, Stephanie,” he responded. He poured himself some vanilla hazelnut coffee from the pot on the table and took a swig how did he know the flavor without tasting it yet? . No cream or sugar, he always drank it black.
“Well, happy birthday!” Stephanie patted him on the shoulder, trying to remain positive. “18 years old, that’s not bad.”
Joseph laughed, more to himself than to her. “Hopefully I’ll have the chance to have a 19th.”
As they sat and drank their coffee together, Stephanie couldn’t help frowning at Joseph’s low attitude. He was like this every time he saw a disciplinary action by the Grizzlies how did she know he just saw a disciplinary action, if he hasn’t told her? Or is she assuming that he saw one by his low attitude? It‘s a bit unclear. To be fair, he had seen his father at gunpoint from one of the brown-clad demons, and he’d seen both of her parents brutally mauled as well. But there was no reason to be so bitter over things that weren’t in his control.
She moved her chair around and sat next to him. He was still taller than her by a few inches, despite the growing they’d both done in three years. “It’s okay,” she told him. “I hate them too.” She heard herself sniffle involuntarily, and the tears started flowing into Joseph’s shoulder. I thought this reaction was too spontaneous. She was just saying how he should cheer up. I guess his pessimistic attitude could really bring her down, but for an older girl like herself she should be able to have more control. They always came when she thought about what the Grizzlies had done to her parents. “I hate them so much.”
Joseph was thankful for the sympathy, and returned her hug, holding her until she stopped crying. “You’re a strong girl, Steph,” he said. “Much stronger than any of those bastards in brown.”
Stephanie looked up at Joseph and hugged him tighter. “Thank you.” What a sweet scene ^_^ I love it.Joseph brushed a stray strand of hair out of her face with a mock smile You could slip in a bit of description here, like what color or type of hair she had. . He usually always felt better helping people, but the only thing that cheered him up at times like this was visiting the local resistance headquarters. He had been on a suspect watch since the rebels’ robbery of the Grove City arms plant a week ago, so that was currently out of the question. But they could only keep watch on him for 10 days unless he committed any other related crimes, so he was almost free.
The bell above the door rang chimed might be a more pleasant word. At first, when you said rang, I imagined like a school buzzer x), and they turned to see who had entered. A tall man dressed in a long green coat with the hood up looked over and nodded to them. He was almost unrecognizable without his brown uniform, but they’d know the stern expression anywhere.
“Greetings,” he said as he sat down with them.
“Hello Marko.” Stephanie nodded to him and offered him the pot of coffee. , but Buthe refused, instead filling his own mug with hot water and adding an Earl Grey tea bag.
Joseph didn’t say anything, only kept an eye on his watch.
“Something troubling you, Yosef?” Marko prodded him in the side with an elbow. He had always called him Yosef, as it was the Russian equivalent, and he hadn’t lost his Russian accent. From anyone else, it would have been annoying, but Joseph didn’t mind Marko saying it. I really like how you introduced Marko’s character. He’s Russian, but obviously one of the good guys. I like how you didn’t make all Russians a bunch of mean soldier characters.“No, Marko. I’m fine.” Joseph checked his watch again, as if willing time to accelerate would grind down his suspect watch faster.
“Ingels has to protect the whole of the group first,” the friendly Grizzly told him. “He doesn’t want to keep you out, but it’s for the good of everyone.”
Joseph knew he was right, but it still made him wake up angry every morning, knowing he couldn’t run any missions for the resistance.
“Well, what’s the latest word from Ingels?” Stephanie asked, taking another sip of coffee.
“The Romeo Sierra’s have been keeping a constant watch on November Victor. They’ll have an Alpha plan in three days, maximum,” he said.
Marko always spoke to them using the old NATO phonetic alphabet when talking about resistance operations. He was at the greatest risk of being discovered by the Grizzlies, as he was their inside operative. So he couldn’t afford to use such liberal speech in public.
Stephanie understood; what Marko said was that the recon scouts were keeping close watch on Captain Nikita Verneer, and were formulating an assault strategy. This particular Grizzly was one of the few female soldiers in the local regiment, and she was worth 10 of them all on her own. She was a hindrance to the resistance operations in Grove City, and the Ohio section, and Ingels wanted her out of commission.
“Sounds good, keep us posted,” Stephanie replied.
“Yeah. I want to be on that team,” Joseph said with a deep, somber voice.
Marko patted him on the shoulder. “In due time, Yosef. In due time.” With a final drink from his mug of tea, he got up and left the table.
Joseph was about to walk over to the counter and buy a buttered croissant, when he spotted something out of the corner of his vision. At a table several yards from his, a man was watching them, noting something on a pad of paper. He didn’t know that Joseph had seen him, but still casually looked away.
Joseph walked up to the counter and lingered there for a moment. As he suspected, the man at the table got up to leave. At the moment he turned to check that Joseph wasn’t behind him, Joseph looked directly at him and made a stern, frowning expression. The man’s eyes grew wide in panic as he pushed out of the doorway and ran. great excitement! I love how even though this is still the beginning of the story, you don’t hold back on the action.Joseph immediately went on the chase, only a dozen or so yards behind as he ran out the door after the unknown observer. Joseph never decreased his running pace as the man led him around three right turns, two lefts, and another right and left on the road. He pushed bystanders out of his way roughly, zipped up his coat so it wouldn’t flap and slow him down, and dug in his heels to the sidewalk as he relentlessly pursued his stalker. After five or so minutes of senseless turns and drilling through crowds, the man attempted an escape route through a back alley. A loose brick in the path tripped him up, and he stumbled, giving Joseph just enough time to take a massive dive forward and grab onto his back, knocking him to the ground.
“Who are you? Who’s your employer?” Joseph shouted at the man, turning him over and pinning him under one knee.
Gasping from the heavy knee on his chest, the young man looked up at Joseph with fear in his eyes. Joseph let his knee ease a bit to allow him to speak.
“I’m nobody, sir. Nobody important,” he said in a strained and shaky voice.
“Why are you spying on me?” Joseph asked, not letting up for a second.
“I’m not telling you anything!”
Joseph pressed his knee down harder, and the man visibly took more effort to breath. “Tell me who your employer is!”
He choked and sputtered under the choking hold of Joseph’s knee, then relaxed himself in defeat. “I’m taking orders from a Grizzly officer.”
Joseph leaned down so close he could smell the whiskey on the man’s breath. “What officer?” This is really great dialogue. It feels very real, and it’s like I’m right there in the scene with them.“The name is . . . err . . .” he tried to remember. “Nikita! Nikita something-or-other.”
“Nikita Verneer?”
“Yes, that’s it.” He looked up, a new glint of hope in his eyes. “I heard you talking to your friends. I know you’re an insurgent.” He was trying to retain some control, although his light skin was going even more pale, and nervous sweat glistened on his light brown hair. Joseph also felt the skin under the gray shirt bruise from the pin he’d placed on him hm, I‘m not sure if it‘s possible to feel a bruise growing. He let off his restraint, and the man stood up, brushing himself off and gasping for breath. An angry frown spread across his who’s? Jacob’s or the man’s? face, and he wound up his fist to deliver a right cross punch.
Joseph had learned boxing skills from Marko, and ducked under the blow. He slipped the next blow, and faded away from the third. His follower was enraged now, and wound up an uppercut. Joseph took the slug in the stomach, because he heard footsteps enter the alley behind him, and an exclamation in Russian.
“Ahh!” Joseph grabbed his stomach and doubled over, even though the hit wasn’t even that hard. As he expected, the two Grizzlies came running to break up the fight. One of them grabbed the man from behind, and the other stood between them. Wow, this guy’s smart!“What business is this here?” The one standing between them asked. Both of them were wearing the iron facemask that marked a grunt-level soldier.
“Wait! Wait!” The man cried said, struggling in the grip of the other soldier.
“What?” The soldier holding him tightened his grip and leaned closer to him. He was intimidated by the iron mask, but kept up his composure.
“I know this guy! He’s a resistance sympathizer!”
The two Grizzlies spoke to each other in Russian for a few sentences, then one of them looked at Joseph, who laughed.
“This man is a fool. I have no idea what he’s talking about.” He lied to the soldiers as straight-faced and serious as he’d been doing for the past three years of his life. He’d gotten very good at it after some help from Stephanie and Tanner Cooper.
The questioning Grizzly looked back at the man being held. “Spreading rumors against your fellows is distasteful,” he said, leaning close to the face of their captive.
“Okay, I might have heard wrong. But I really do know him! Right, man? He can vouch for me!” He looked at Joseph with wide, desperate eyes. Joseph knew that spreading lies about resistance efforts was a crime punishable by public beating, imprisonment, and sometimes, even death. He had the power to decide this man’s future in the next few seconds.
“Do you know him?” The holding Grizzly asked.
Joseph turned and began to walk out of the alley and back towards the street. “I don’t know what he’s talking about, sir,” he said without looking back.

Oooh I love it!! This is a really great story You did an amazing job with the first chapter.
I like your main character; he seems like a really smart guy. It’s interesting how you started the story with the scene of the thief and the guards. I think it was a really smart choice because this way you show us what the world is like right off the bat. Basically, I love the approach.
Your characters really interest me. I was waiting for joseph to turn out to be a goody goody heroic character, but the last line really defines him as someone who strays more in the gray areas. Also, Stephanie caught my attention as well as Marko. It’s not often that I’m able to remember the names of minor characters after the first chapter.
The idea is also really cool. A communist America. That’s definitely something I haven’t ever read about before!
The action was awesome, I love how you had tons of it in the first chapter alone. I can’t wait to see what else you have in store ^_^
So the idea of this whole thing is great, you should definitely keep it. You should try to work on your vocabulary and phrasing so that it will be even more engrossing. A bit more editing will really make you sound like a pro x)
Hope I helped!
~blacksheep