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(Zombies) I need a title



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Mon Jan 10, 2011 12:49 am
MaskedPoet says...



I'm creating a novel... might tend to be a short novel... about zombies.. I Know that sounds cliche but I got a feeling this one will be good... I will post the first chapter (might add onto the chapter) and then a random piece of writing that I will be using in the story later on.
This story is about zombies, survivors, and many different types of zombies! But there are some people.. well one for now that is immune to zombies and zombies consider him as one of there own and will not attack him, even tho he has the appearance of a human his blood flows with zombie blood due to a mistake and now he is trying to find a cure... the vaccine he had created made his blood cells turn into zombie blood cells but the rest of his body is made of human cells, so it gave him the idea that in all reality the zombies only smelt blood. Anyway I can't just tell the whole story here so here is chapter one. NOT MY TYPICAL WRITING! I normally write about fantasy adventure.. this is fantasy sorta but not the type I write.
~Would help if someone could edit this~


Chapter one
The room was dark with the slight glow of strange liquids, a strange buzzing sound echoed threw the room the door was made of a strong thick medal, that looked welded to the wall. The only exit was a man hole in the ground, a tunnel. The only life with in the room was a man hunched over a desk writing, a small desk light lighting up the papper he had been writing upon. A journal entry.
~September 14th, 2021~
'Today I got a bit of a work done, I'm running low on supply's down here.... At the cost of recreating this vaccine, I found out today mercury injected into a zombies blood stream will put them out for a day or two, it acts as a tranquillizer of sorts, I've compressed the mercury into bullets so I can get a few subjects when needed..
Considering the progress of my study's, my body is progressing great as well, the vaccine I made was partly a success... But today I found out my blood, isn't that of human blood, but the vaccine is protecting my skin cells and brain cells.. It is also increasing my healing. My dog had to be shot, he was fully undead by noon and the vaccine I had left didn't work on him... Now I'm off to get some sleep, I have to pack all this up then head out in the morning.'
~Rest In Peace Sparks, and may the light shine on you.

Matthew had his hummer outside packed with weapons, medical journals, his journals, and medical supplies. The hummer was armed with a turret in the center of it, and special windows that not ever bullets could penetrate, and tires filled with metal instead of air, it used a lot of gas but Matthew had created a special engine that used little gas. It was the ultimate weapon against the zombies in today's year. Matthew laid down upon his mattress that was on the ground, covered in stains of blood, he drifted... and drifted into that of a deep sleep.
A loud high pitch beeping echoed threw the lab like room, Matthew awoke to the sound of his phone off to the side. As he reached for his phone the beeping got louder until Matthew tapped the screen and the sound stopped. "Hm, to bad all the cell towers are down... Can't even make a phone call... who the hell am I kidding everyone is dead." Matthew said with a sigh as he viewed the time on his phone, it had been, 6:25am. He popped in a few pills and started to check his blood pleasure recording the results. Matthew grazed his fingers over the huge scar on his chest that resembled that of zombie scar. and on his arm was another scar that was that of a zombie bite.
"Ahh... That undead bastard is going to die once I get my hands on him, doing all this to me..." Matthew said pausing pouting his head"...And... and my beloved Brook." Matthew said as he opened the man hole in the lab that lead to the tunnels that lead to the garage like room were the hummer had been. "Time to go search for some survivors and supplies" Matthew said to himself as he lifted himself up into the hummer that he had named, 'Cosmo'.
The light shun into the garage as it opened and the air filled the air Cosmo with the stench of flesh, rotten flesh. As Cosmo started, the radio came on, it seemed to have been that one outcast known as 'Dj Tiesto'. He had, had control of one of the radio towers and used it to broadcast across all of the FM channels, he could of been anywhere... anywhere in the world or smack down in LA, the heart of the darkness. "Boys! Girls! and Ghouls! It's just in the there is a house accepting survivors and giving them protection and food, it's told that a boy by the name of Chris is the head of the operation and is, daddy's little rich boy! The house is located on a big hill, towards the west of LA." Dj Tiesto said taking a deep breath. "Well... Looks like I know what we're doing today! Lets go Cosmo" Matthew said as he drove off into the distance leaving what had once been his home.
CHAPTER END


That's all I got right now, I also have another story that is a bit like... "avatar the last air bender" sorta X) that I've been writing before summer started quite a few months ago, I will post it tomorrow cause it's on the school computers. Anyway, hope you enjoy and here is a sneak at what I wrote for a later uses, but I will be changing around the format of this, so ignore the way it's written, MAY or MAY NOT use this and if I do It'll be re written completely. So you don't have to read the below stuff.


XXX The rain slowly started to stop as the Hummer sped down the road, he flipped on the radio and the crazy guy that was broadcasting news and Music on the radio was talking. Matthew quickly turned up the volume to here what he was talking about, XXX "WELL HELLO there lady and ghouls! Hows that weather out there, zombrific if I don't say so my self ahahahah! Looks like the rain will be clearing up here in a bit everyone so sit back and relax to DJ TIESTOS tunes! Ahaha here is a little song called Ain\'t no rest for the wicked! ". Said Dj Tiesto on the Radio, Matthew turned it up and tapped the steering wheal to the beat, singing to the words slightly as he looked at the zombies around the nearest city he had entered.
XXX 'God I love this song, haha now let's find a place to go do something now that I'm out of that house! '. He thought well grinning, his grin turned to a frown with in seconds, the thought of the house made him think of Zay, and Zay made him think of how sad he was being alone. He wasn't a man to show his sadness threw tears, he showed it threw rage... and anger. Matthew swung his fist punching the front window, he continue to do so till his knuckles looked almost broken, and blood dripped down his arm as he wrapped his fist up. He then laughed as he looked at the undamaged window due to what it was made out of not even bullets could penetrate it.
The sky started to clear up as the morning aproched, it seemed to be around Six or Seven but the clock In Matthew's radio had been removed and a beaker was installed to fuel his hummer from the inside. The Sun was barley raised, sending a ray of sun light across the town creating the illusion of it being up in flames, XXX "Zay would enjoy this...". He thought to himself as he gripped his wheal tightly increasing his speed threw the town. A building caught his eye and the wheals of the hummer skidded across the ground as Matthew stopped with a sudden halt. He made his way out of hummer slamming the door and looking up, XXX" Well, well well if it ain't for a theater... This is the one from when I was a child... ha.. If Zay can't see it yet.. I'll see it for her...". He said to himself entering the theater, examining the theater it was dark with a blood stained red carpet, the lights were dim, it was weird that the lights were still even working. Dead bodies were amongst the theater, they were in piles in the corners it was strange, he had never seen anyone or anything do such a thing. It then came to him, he reached into his bag and pulled out a tiny booklet labeled, Zombie encyclopedia , Flipping threw the pages he placed his finger down on one of the pages, XXX "Ahhh haa, here it is the hoarder zombies, they tend to hoard humans... And tend to be very big eating piles of humans, thus the humans being in piles... the bigger the pile... the whole bigger the zombie...". Matthew said as he examined the piles, they all were the same size so there had to be only one.. but the piles were huge and that had to mean... Before he could get it in, there was a crash from behind, a giant Zombie weighing over 400lbs smashed threw the doors to one of the auditoriums, the marble wood of the perfectly carved doors to the movies had been sent into slivers of useless wood amongst the carpet. The Zombie drooled black blood from it's mouth with blood stains on its skin, there had been rips in its stomach from being impaled by nails, knifes, and by looks of it bullets, this was one hell of a hoarder. Matthew looked at the door as it shattered and clenched his fist.XXX "Hey there now, fatass look what you did to the beautiful door!! You will die now.". Matthew said as he pulled a bowie knife out from his shoe, the zombie was smarter than others, for the hoarders could see and tell the difference between humans by looks, even tho Matthews blood would make it extremely sick and possibly die. It raced towards Matthew and he just smiled as the hoarder swung at him but the only blood that was on the carpet was zombies, Matthew had swung the bowie knife to the side well jumping back cutting off it's arm, blood curdling zombie screams filled the theater with the sound of a mad zombie, it raced toward Matthew and he just healed the knife up toward it and it ran right into it landing on Matthew but then he snickered as he reached for his revolver holding it to the stomach of the giant scavenger, XXX "Boom baby.". He said as the bullet impacted the zombie exploding, the zombie was so huge it insulated the explosion causing it to do no harm to Matthew besides the gash in his leg by the Bowie knife clipping his leg as the Zombie landed on it. Blood from the zombie exploding covered Matthew and he dripped in blood, as every inch of his body was dripping with guts and blood. He stood up then feel to the ground gripping his bleeding leg, he reached for his bag that was mostly clean and pulled out some stuff to wrap it up, as he wrapped it up he knew it would heal with in the next day or so due to his blood. Slowly getting up he almost left the theater then looked back. XXX "Wouldn't be the same without Zay.. Looks like I'm going to bring the theater to her..hehe". Matthew said to himself coming out of the theater and throwing a projector into the back of his hummer along with two box's of films. The light was now fully up, but the air was cold and sky was clear, but it looked like it may snow today, oh how Matthew loved the snow it brought back many memory's of his child hood. Flipping on radio he heard Dj Tiesto turning the sound up as he started to ride back towards the mansion. XXX "Hey to everyone listing out there, I'm glad i managed to hack into one of the last satalights up in that so space! that big ol' empty space they call space! ahhhaha i'm turning crazy these past days broadcasting around these parts.. Is anyone even alive? Listing to me? oh well who cares this is the only thing driving me sane! Were has the time gone, and when will are time come? Ahh no more of me dudes, here is a song by the little old floyd Another brick in the wall ". Came Dj Tiesto from the Radio, Matthew started to tap the wheal again as he approached the gates to the mansion. The gates were wide open due to the fact they had not been fixed yet. He pulled into his old spot and sat back in the hummer finishing the song.
Matthew got out of the hummer slamming the door behind him opening the back of his hummer placing his bag of documents on the ground then swinging the projector in a bag across his back. Picking up his other bag and putting it around his shoulder as he carried the boxes of tapes and projector on his back, oh and his bag he had always carried around at his side. Walking into the house, Matthew was dripping in zombie blood on the floor and guts fell out of pockets as he walked in the house with a trail of zombie blood behind him. He dropped the bag from his back and the boxes on the floor looking around to see Zay.XXX "I'm home...". Matthew said with a Grin, he was excited to find a big wall somewhere to project movies for Zay... he had remembered how she loved movies, or showed to seem to have a lot of interest in them, so he had to risk his life slightly the movies... It was the only gift to give to Zay to show how much he cared. Smiling he looked around for zay well standing around the bag and movies.
  





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Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:33 am
Apple says...



Weee first review. Alright, let's get started!

The room was dark with the slight glow of strange liquids, a strange buzzing sound echoed threw should be through. You're meaning threw as in he threw the ball the room The door was made of a strong thick medal Metal maybe, I don't think you medal, that looked welded to the wall. The only exit was a man hole in the ground,: a tunnel. The only life with in the room was a man hunched over a desk writing,. Asmall desk light lighting lit up the papper he had been writing upon. A journal entry.


There was a few problems with this chapter. Just read through it (if you can make sense of my mumbo) and it'll play itself. Sorry about not placing it out more forwardly but that'll just waste time. I see you have problems with repeating yourself and commars. These kind of things are completely horrible and they're extremely annoying but that they do help place things forward. As I don't know them to well myself, I suggest you go to a thread on this site that does. Erhm, try ask an expert.

~September 14th, 2021~
'Today I got a bit of a work done. I'm running low on supply'siesdown here.... At the cost of recreating this vaccine,I found out today mercury injected into a zombies blood stream will put them out for a day or two, It acts as a tranquillizer of sorts,. I've compressed the mercury into bullets so I can get a few subjects when needed..
You've got two dot points here.Considering the progress of my study'sies, my body is progressing great as well, the vaccine I made was partly a success... But today I found out my blood, isn't that of human blood, but the vaccine is protecting my skin cells and brain cells..Either place on an extra or take one away It is also increasing my healing. My dog had to be shot, he was fully undead by noon and the vaccine I had left didn't work on him... Now I'm off to get some sleep, I have to pack all this up then head out in the morning.'
~Rest In Peace Sparks, and may the light shine on you.


Interesting...OOOO but there still are some problems. I strongly suggest Ask an Expert but then it is all up to you. Okay I found this a recurring problem; when you say study's as such you're meaning that the prior word (study's) has inflitced itself on the word after it. Now that probably makes no sense so I'll give an example.

Study's leg.

That is about the only time you can use study's as such. In what you're implying, studies fits perfectly.

Matthew had his hummer outside packed with weapons, medical journals, his journals sounds repetitive but I cannot suggest a solution, maybe say diaries, and medical supplies. The hummer was armed with a turret in the center of it, and special windows that not evern bullets could penetrate,. and The tires were filled with metal instead of air, it used a lot of gas but Matthew had created a special engine that used little gas. Repition (the words in italics) It was the ultimate weapon against the zombies in today's year. Matthew laid down upon his mattress that was on the ground, covered in stains of blood, he drifted... and drifted this last part doesn't make much sense, why don't you just keep it that he drifted into a deep sleepinto that of a deep sleep.
A loud high pitch beeping echoed threw the lab-like room,. Matthew awoke to the sound of his phone off to the side. As he reached for his phone the beeping got louder until Matthew tapped the screen and the sound stopped. "Hm, to bad all the cell towers are down... Can't even make a phone call... who the hell am I kidding, everyone is dead." Matthew said with a sigh as he viewed the time on his phone, it had been, 6:25am. He popped in a few pills and started to check his blood pleasure recording the results. Matthew grazed his fingers over the huge scar on his chest that resembled that of a zombie scar. and on his arm was another scar that was that of a zombie bite.


I know that you said that the tyre were made of metal and all that but I don't think that's actually possible. Now it may be and if it is, just ignore me but I don't think even all the fuel in the world could do that especially with the weight...you know what, I don't know what I'm talking about, just ignore me.

"Ahh..., that undead bastard is going to die once I get my hands on him,...doing all this to me..." Matthew said, pausing, pouting his headlips "...And...--and my beloved Brook." Matthew said asYou don't need to say it a second time. He opened the man hole in the lab that lead to the tunnels that lead repition to the garage-like room were the hummer had been.


I believe this paragraph doesn't make much sense, I've made a few changes, I hope that helps with that you were trying to say. Another thing I suggest you see in Ask an Expert is punctuation in dialouge.

So all in all I thought this was an overall good story but it has a lot of gramatical mistakes. Do you read over your work before you post it? I don't and that is my largest downfall but I do suggest that you do. You've probably already noticed some mistakes with my writing but...yeah. One thing I do suggest is layering, it'll be your best friend.

R/A: Layering: Adding/taking parts of a story to improve it.

Your MC is also a little week. He sounds dull and animated. Add a little life into him, make him more then just a puppet on strings. I don't know maybe Matt could be a childish bloke or a very sorrowful man, but you've really got to add this stuff in and not only in dialouge. You could've easily pointed out in your writing that the MC was taking it hard about this zombie thing, easily. You really just need to stress your point more. Also, what does he look like? Right now he's a tall, blonde haired American scientist but I could and most probably be wrong. You've got to practically throw it at the reader what he looks like.

You could've easily said: He brushed his dark hair from his eyes...just a little thing like that and the reader knows that the MC has brown or black hair.

And another thing is your setting is a problem. You really should explain where your character is a little bit better. Yes, I know he's in a room but what does that look like? Add details that will give the reader an image in their head. You did well with the hummer but practically everything else didn't even have scratch of explanation.

Now I feel guilty for saying things about your grammar when mine is also pretty shotty but I seriously suggest you that you get some help with it. Maybe its only because you didn't read over your work or maybe you just can't understand it (like me), but Ask an Expert completely helps. It helped me make my chicken scratch look better. It will truly help you.

Just because you have a few mistakes does not make this bad. In fact, I found it very interesting and I definitely want to read more. Good luck with this, your ideas are excellent and new, your a great addition to this site.

Apple.
I spy!
  





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Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:00 pm
LilySoulMahon says...



This is really good! You have a talent in writing, haha.
The Zombie idea you played I origionally thought was just going to be overplayed but I really like how you've done this.
YES some grammer is a little faulty but I cant really say anything about that, I mean you've read my work. Lol.
I really cant wait to read more though I do think a little more detail could be used.
Overall a good piece.
WELL DONE!!! (not many people get the well done in caps by the way, haha)
...The Emptiness Will Haunt You...
  








"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta