Young Writers Society

Alexander was a great and powerful warrior, who was part of a clan called the Numani clan. Defenders of mankind, the Numani clan rushed to the safety of others. But, long ago, the Numani clan's greatest enemy attacked, his name was Akuma.

Alexander was the last member of the Numani clan standing during the battle, and while he fought, his wife gave birth to his daughter. Alxander knew he wouldn't survive to see his daughter. He also knew that if he lost the battle Akuma would get his powers, so he cast a spell that would transfer his powers to his daughter as soon as he died, and with the last drop of energy he had, he fought Akuma to the end.

This has the potential to be a really good story. My suggestions for now are to limit the amount of times you say a character's name. The repeat of Alexander did this and Alexander did that, gets boring after a while. Also, make sure you use a spell checker, just for future reference.
Good luck in the story!

thanks this is only the prolouge of the story, to be honest (just as a little spoiler) at first you might not even realize this has a lot to do with the story, it's the way i intended it to be for the reader

I'm honestly not sure what to say. It seems really interesting, and you do say Alexander's name a lot. I think it does have a lot of potential, so i'll just leave it at, Write on!

Oh, I like! This prologue is really interesting and really...cool. I agree with the other reviewers, this story has potential. If you ever finish this book, please tell me. I would really love to read it.

Keep Writing!!
- DeadEndsAreOptional

Whoah! I'm sorry, not meaning to be offensive or nuffin, I'm just a tad blown away by how short this was...

I mean... ah, man, this sounds like such an epic battle type thing! I really wish you would have actually written from Alex(can I call him that XD?)'s point of view as the battle took place, and he would be all fighting, all remembering stuff, and thinking about his wife and daughter... that would have been epic! I am sorry my friend, but this little synopsis? Not quite epic.

It's just... SO short! I'm sorry, I feel like there's so much more you could've done with this... the idea sounds really cool! But the execution didn't cut it for me.

--
Tabby

I actually have to agree with Tabby here.

Let me explain: I read the info you had on this story and I was like, "OMG this seems really good." Then I read the prologue and went, "Whut?"

The thing with prologues is that you have to make them count. Don't just write them for the sake of jumping us into the story: let your talent shine through as you show us.

Writing your prologue in Alex's point of view would be awesome, because we get his last thoughts. Where they about his wife? His daughter? Is he sad? Why doesn't he just give up? Is he fighting for those he loves?

Then, later on, maybe you'll decide that your MC is bitter never to have known her father. Maybe she's mad he got himself killed and then we'll be torn because we'll understand her feelings, but we'll know (from reading his POV) how much he loved her and why he did what he did!

You see? You can do so much here from his point of view. If not, then I suggest you cut it out because it doesn't bring much to the story. Your info page (Which would be on the back of a book) would be enough to pull any reader in.

Keep up the great work!

Tanya

This prologue is too short and has too much information to fit into one hundred words. This could easily be turned into a full-sized chapter. The problem is that you are missing many of the parts that are required to turn a summary into a story.

1. Show, don't tell.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post482410.html?hilit=showing%20vs%20telling#p482410 This is a great article about telling the difference between showing and telling.

2. Use dialog and thoughts.

Something that brings characters to life is dialog. It shows the reader how different characters interact. Thoughts are similar, but allow readers to know what their personal views and opinions are as they go about living life. Both are essential to make the reader know the character, instead of just having them hear about the character.

3. Use point of view.

Point of view is necessary. Right now, the reader does not know who is seeing the action. No one is viewing it through their eyes. Most stories are in first person or third. In first person, you use I, me, we, etc. In third person you use they, she, he, etc. One is necessary to write a story.

4. "Be" the character.

This is similar to point of view. The reader is expecting to feel like they are actually there, seeing the events through the eyes of the character. To do this, you must make sure your writing includes all five senses. Without them, the story is bland and lifeless.

5. Use detail and description.

The character should be seeing things around himself/herself, and these things should be in the story just as much as anything else. What is the setting? What does it look like? One way to make it seem as if the reader is in the story is if they can "see" the surroundings.

With these things, you can most likely expand your summary into a story.

Thanks for all the reviews guy but if you wait just a little bit you'll understand the whole story, i still need to post the first chapter and it's taking a while cause it's very long, again thanks for the reviews!

Interesting story, so your main character will be the daughter right? Hmmm...
It is too short even for a prologue, but nice it is interesting It has potential to be a good novel...


A few nitpicks:

He also knew that if he lost the battle, Akuma would get his powers

can you add a comma there? Thanks

Alxaender knew he wouldn't survive to see his daughter

Thanks for all the reviews guy but if you wait just a little bit you'll understand the whole story, i still need to post the first chapter and it's taking a while cause it's very long, again thanks for the reviews!

Ok! Let's see.. ! I know the first chapter will be much better!
I'm looking forward reading it

Hey Destiny! I just thought I'd come drop off a review here since I saw the link to this on our team page. (GO TARDIS!) So here we go.

I think that your other reviewers covered most of what I would have to say here, but I'll just try to make a few more suggestions.

Okay, so you're writing this as your prologue, but it doesn't feel or sound like one at all. Prologues give us a little hint about something that is going to happen later on in the story or they show us a scene leading up to the events of the story. And while this is very interesting and all, it just seems like it would be a better synopsis than prologue because you're just telling us what happened to this guy named Alexander to lead up to the birth of his daughter.

What I would suggest to help make this more like a prologue is just to flesh out one of the scenes and use that for the prologue. For example, you tell us all about this battle and what you really should do is just write the full on battle scene. You don't need to drop all that information on us in two paragraphs when it would be much more interesting to read a battle scene. Hook your readers with the prologue so that we'll be left wanting more!

I really do like your whole idea though, and I think that you can make this a great story. All you need to do is get into the plot and characters more, and develop them throughout the story. NEVER dump info on us, because it would be much better to let that all develop through your descriptions, etc. so we'll want to keep reading to find out what happens next. You want us to care about your characters and plot!

As for grammar and everything, I think that you have that pretty good. I don't really see any huge grammar or spelling mistakes, though you did make a typo here:

Alxander knew he wouldn't survive to see his daughter.

Remember to always proofread your writing, because everyone makes mistakes!

Overall, this shows a lot of promise and I look forward to reading what you have in store for your next chapters. I really hope that this helps, and if you have any questions/comments/etc. please feel free to PM me anytime! Keep writing, and I'll see you around!