z

Young Writers Society


Mirage (Chapt. 3)



User avatar
884 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 28282
Reviews: 884
Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:36 am
StoryWeaver13 says...



Chapter Three
Jordan

Lane’s expression was a comfort in one way, terrifying in another. His words confirmed what his face already said. “I think you’re onto something.”

“But it’s far-fetched, isn’t it?” I said hopefully. “I mean, come on, are we really supposed to think that everybody here is just…stolen or whatever?”

“Not everybody,” he said darkly.

MERCY. There had to be about 200 people working there, friends and neighbors included. Family, even. Lane’s dad. Both of my parents. Were they our parents after all?

I took a second to think: my mom’s hair was perfect honey-blossom blonde, her eyes pale rhinestone silver. I looked nothing like her. My dad had curly sandy-colored hair, blue eyes. Also nothing like me. But kids don’t necessarily look like their parents.

Nothing fit. Was it really the way I thought it was? A mirage? I pulled out the letter, wishing more than anything that I knew who wrote it.

For the second time I thought about it. Someone else was here…

Another thought occurred to me too. “Arie! She called and said she was planning to meet me here! That must’ve been hours ago! We were planning to finish the zip-line today and she--”

“Hey, don’t freak out. Just give her a call.”

I nodded, grabbing my phone from the backpack I’d slumped against one of the chairs. My fingers tapped my jeans while it rang; finally, her voice asked to leave a message. I let it close.

Now that I knew what little I did, this worried me. Of course, I knew it was probably just complete paranoia. But my cousin - no, scratch that, we weren’t actually related - my friend was out there, completely oblivious. “Well let’s go find her. We have a lot to fill in.”

“Are you sure we should tell her?” Lane said, sitting on one of the faded red hammocks. “Maybe we should keep this a secret.”

“We will, but with each other. Arie’s good for her word.”

Lane ran a hand through his mess of dirty-blonde hair, but nodded. His eyes, always changing shades of blue, were a solid navy beneath his furrowed brows. “’Kay. But no one else. Not yet, anyway. Not even our parents.”

Especially not our parents,” I corrected. “They’ve hidden who we really are this long, haven’t they? Maybe they don’t know…but we can’t be sure yet.”

“This is messed-up shit,” he decided. I had to agree. Of all the crazy games we’d played and far-cornered thoughts and nightmares we could only imagine, we’d never conceived any idea this crazy. I was sure this couldn’t all be in our heads.

But something was eating me away. “Why do you think they…you know, took us or whatever? Can’t they get kids the old-fashioned way?”

“Maybe they’re robots,” Lane suggested sarcastically. “Can’t do it through--”

Anyway,” I cut in.

He rolled his eyes. “Okay, sorry, taking this seriously. We can’t all be stolen, can we? Maybe only some of us are. But that still leaves us to wonder why.”

“Experimenting.”

“Oh, so I can’t joke but you can?”

“Who said I was joking? I mean, what are they doing in MERCY? Once people leave Mirage, do they really ever come back? Think about it.”

Lane seemed to, but shook his head. “Well, who would come back? It only makes sense that they don’t; this place is nothing but a crummy little town wedged in the middle of nowhere.”

“I love this place,” I defended.

“I didn’t say I don’t.” For whatever reason, his gaze locked on mine with complete seriousness. “There isn’t a place in the world I’d rather be than right here, screwing around in our town’s messy business. But I still think that people can go without being abducted for mysterious experimentation.”

My lips formed an involuntary smile, and only the faint continuing urge to prove him wrong forced it away. “Well I still say it’s a possibility. Do you have another more logical suggestion?”

Anything’s more logical than that.”

“Well, I know how we can find out. We both have parents in MERCY, and they’re always back before eight, so why not just steal their keys to the place? Your dad’s the manager, so he’s got to have some sort of master-key deal.”

“Okay, I take it back. Anything’s more logical than that, including your whacked experimentation theory.”

I shrugged. “Fair enough. But aren’t you the least bit curious, Lane Sumlin? Or should I be calling you Lane Parks now?”

“I have a party to get to,” he decided quickly, getting to his feet. “This whole thing is just stupid. Figure it out on your own, I’m not in. Maybe I don’t…even care if I was stolen. I’m here now, and I like things the way they are. Besides, what does it matter? If anyone figures out you dug this all up, I mean if you're right about all this, you’re in for it. Let’s let secrets lie. Find out later or never find out at all.”

“I get it. Once a coward always a coward.” I slammed the laptop shut, sliding it into my backpack and slinging it over my shoulder.

“You’re calling me a coward?”

Yes. He was as good as in now. I turned to face him. “Maybe I am. You’re not even brave enough to be seen with me, are you? I should’ve known you couldn’t handle something as epic as this.”

For the longest time, he just stared at me. The fact that I was right, and that he felt guilty about it, was all over his face. It didn’t hurt him that he wasn’t brave half as much as it hurt him that I knew. But of course I knew. After all, I’d been the one paying the price for it.

“You’re so full of it, Jordan,” he said unconvincingly. A familiar crooked smile flicked across his face for the fastest second. “But I’m in. So…we find Arie?”

“We need our brains of the operation, don’t we?”

Lane sighed in disappointment, but sarcasm lit his face as he said, “Darn, always thought that was me.”

“You're more the muscle.”

"I'll take it."

We clamored from the Hideout, heading back towards town. With any luck, Arie would be safe at home.

We wouldn't be lucky.
Last edited by StoryWeaver13 on Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:32 am, edited 2 times in total.
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket
  





User avatar
86 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 3699
Reviews: 86
Mon Feb 07, 2011 5:56 am
charcoalspacewolfman says...



I think it's nice that Jordan knows how to manipulate Lane, though it sounds kinda like he wants her to manipulate him...their chemistry is interesting. With all the cartoon references I have an interesting vision of this story. However, the lightbulb, I think, should be flicked on rather than shine a light (the use of light twice in the same sentence so close together seemed a bit redundant to me, and the way you put it sounded somewhat like it had been on the whole time, rather than suddenly lighting up with an idea [just don't use the word sudden]). Also in that paragraph, avoid using numerals when it's a small number like eight and it's in dialogue. If you had a bigger number, with more syllables, it might be more acceptable.
All in all, not too many problems (that I care about) and it's very mysterious. Nice buildup (I'm never subtle enough for this sort of writing), keep up the good work!
HMS Tragedy?! We should-we should have known!!!
  





User avatar
71 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4346
Reviews: 71
Mon Feb 07, 2011 1:09 pm
Gheala says...



MERCY. There had to be about 200 people working there, friends and neighbors included. Family, even. Lane’s dad. Both of my parents. Were they our parents after all?

I think maybe you could merge the short sentences. -> '...friends, neighbors and family included. Even Lane's dad and both of parents were there.' Some people, including me, might get distracted by short sentences, while they can look better in a longer one. At least, that's what I think.

I took a second to think: my mom’s hair was perfect honey-blossom blonde, her eyes pale rhinestone silver. I looked nothing like her. My dad had curly sandy-colored hair, blue eyes. Also nothing like me. But kids don’t necessarily look like their parents, do they?

I love this paragraph! It made me think with you. Very interesting.

Suddenly, another thought occurred to me.

Even though I usually don't like the 'suddenly' in literary works, I LOVED this one. Nothing ever comes suddenly, but I think you should keep it.

I nodded, grabbing my phone from the backpack I’d slumped against one of the chairs. My fingers tapped my jeans while it rang; finally, her voice asked to leave a message.

Beautiful choice of words: grab, tap, slump. It helped me imagine the scene and the state of mind better.


“Are you sure we should tell her?” Lane said, sitting on one of the faded red hammocks. “Maybe we should keep this a secret.”

Put 'asked' instead of 'said'.

“Experimenting.”

“Oh, so I can’t joke but you can?”

I simply love the funny and easy going style you use. I'm seriously enjoying this.

A light bulb shone a light above my head. “Well, I know how we can find out. We both have parents in MERCY, and they’re always back before 8, so why not just steal their keys to the place? Your dad’s the manager, so he’s got to have some sort of master-key deal.”

That first sentence is an expression I never read in novels, but I like it.

“I get it. Once a coward always a coward.” I slammed the laptop shut, sliding it into my backpack and slinging it over my shoulder.

“You’re calling me a coward?”

Mwahahaha. He was as good as in now. I turned to face him. “Maybe I am. You’re not even brave enough to be seen with me, are you?"

Hm.. I think you should write an actual description of what your protagonist thinks, instead of 'Mwahaha'. It's a little strange.


Lane sighed disappointedly, but sarcasm lit his face as he said, “Darn, always thought that was me.”

Disappointedly isn't a word. Make it something else, like 'in disappointment'.


I liked this a lot, even though I haven't read the first two chapters, but you made me very interested to know what's really going on. Your style is simple, funny and serious all in one and that's what kept me going till the end.
You're unique in picking expressions, but you should also decide whether such expressions can be used in literary works. You don't want your reader thinking that your expression has changed from 'unique' to 'weird'.

Good luck. I really liked it.
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 540
Reviews: 1
Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:31 pm
katiemay says...



I liked how she was able to change his mind by pointing out that he wasn't brave, i think it shows how guys think in todays world. :)
  





User avatar
262 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1193
Reviews: 262
Sat Mar 05, 2011 1:23 am
ultraviolet says...



Back again. :) Sorry it's taken so long.

Okay, this is going to sound really pathetic, but I have barely anything to critique about this. Just a few things that I think messed the flow, and a couple things to keep in mind. It's so much easier reviewing people who really shouldn't be writers.

“I have a party to get to,” he decided quickly, getting to his feet.


This came a little sudden. I'd add a comment about maybe his expression turning a certain way, showing how it pushed him over the little edge that he was balancing on. It's okay this way, but a little jarring.

Yes. He was as good as in now.


I'd italicize "Yes." It'd read smoother.

Okay, so my first little thing is - where is Arie? She was supposed to be there, wasn't she? Did she bail, or is there some upcoming conflict that explains it better? I don't know what your plans for that are, just making sure that you have them. (And yes, I realize how late this sounds, considering you already wrote the following chapters. But you'll get over it.)

My second thing is, they're so focused on finding out about MERCY. I don't know, that's not really bad, but if that were me I wouldn't be working on busting them, I'd be wondering about who left the note, and if this was some kind of joke. If they - if this is even possible - put the picture on the site just to mess with them. Or why they'd inform me about it anyway, not someone older, smarter, etc. Yes, your characters are completely different from me, but at least Jordan seems to cling to the idea a little too firmly.

So after that pathetic review, I bid you farewell, and promise to get to your next chapters soon.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com
  








You have to be a bit of a liar to tell a story the right way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind