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Young Writers Society


Flight of the Pegasus: Part 1



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Mon Feb 27, 2006 6:57 pm
Firestarter says...



A short story that relates to my new novel; this introduces the character Robert Shaw and the ship HMS Pegasus. There'll be four or five parts and it'll be action-packed.

----------------------

His Britannic Majesty’s ship Pegasus carved through the ocean sea like the keen edge of a knife.

The wind was in her sails and she was built for the chase; here, alone, she looked like a goddess. It was as if she was invincible as waves were split in two by the sheer power of the bow. The horizon was nothing but great depths of water, and it was all commanded by a frigate of 32-guns.

Her mainmast topgallant pierced the bottom of the merging rain clouds, while her bowsprit pointed defiantly towards her destination, wherever it might be, close to the last setting rays of the sun. There was still a light glimmer on the surface water, and it reflected into Pegasus, casting a shadowy glow onto the decks.

Lieutenant Robert Shaw stood nonchalantly on the stern of the vessel, using a golden telescope with confidence and staring at the trail the ship had made through the ocean. He moved it slightly upwards and looked horizontally behind them. There were no ships left to see, no last blurred remains of a slow convoy.

The young Midshipman Fawcett stood beside him, looking a little nervous. “So we definitely lost the convoy then, sir?”

Shaw lowered the telescope and handed it back to the boy, who had joined the Navy barely four months ago. In a way the Lieutenant had taken him under his mentorship more than the others, for he saw more of himself in the blue-eyed, curious lad. “Don’t worry, David. We’re just patrolling ahead, looking for any Frenchies that might be silly enough to get in our way. Besides, Pegasus is much too an impatient ship to sit in a convoy. What do we say?”

“That she likes to spread her wings, sir,” the boy replied on cue, with a huge grin on his face.

“That’s it, boy. She’s sure flying speedily today.” They had made fabulous progress since leaving the front of the convoy, free to explore the open seas of the Atlantic. He hadn’t told David that he had an odd feeling of wariness, for the boy was prone to worry, but the increasingly large crashing waves and an odd shiver on his back meant his instincts were giving him bad signals. There was something strange about the day – from the unbelievably fast progress, despite Pegasus being well known as one of the Navy’s fastest frigates, to the fickle behaviour of the weather, from sunlight to downpour. Everything just seemed to indicate trouble ahead – the impending rain clouds, the eroding weather conditions and the above-perfect speeds that were just asking to disappear.

Maybe it’s nothing, he wondered.

Maybe it’s just idle paranoia. You’ve been expecting the worse ever since … the Lieutenant shook himself from his mind to find that the boy was looking at him in a curious manner. “Is something the matter, sir?”

Robert smiled. “No, David, I’m fine.”

There was an odd silence then; the creaks of the ship seemed to cease, and the waves lulled. The sun brightened a little, despite it being dusk, and the rays glanced off the rising waves and reflected off something in the distance.

“Sail! Sail off the larboard bow!” shouted a seaman, perched in the crow’s nest. Robert’s telescope was up before the last echoes of the shout finished and it confirmed the lookout's cry. There was another ship on the water.

Someone else was flying with the Pegasus.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Mon Feb 27, 2006 7:15 pm
Caligula's Launderette says...



Lovely description Jack, you've got my attention.

Besides, Pegasus is much too an impatient ship to sit in a convoy. What do we say?”

“That she likes to spread her wings, sir,” the boy replied on cue, with a huge grin on his face.


Loved those lines... using dialogue to develop relationships between characters, which I am so abyssmal at.

The only thing I caught was this
Maybe it’s nothing, he wondered.
Shouldn't the 'Maybe it's nothing' be italicized? - since it is his thoughts.

Nice cliffhanger as well. I'll be watching for updates on this, and for your new novel.

Ta, CL
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

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Tue Feb 28, 2006 4:00 am
Crysi says...



Well, Jack, when I read in your blog that you had a short story about ships, I just HAD to check it out. I was not disappointed. Most of the descriptions were good, and the dialogue was natural. However, I caught a few things... Hope you don't mind if I'm picky, it just means I liked the piece. ;)

His Britannic Majesty’s ship Pegasus carved through the ocean sea like the keen edge of a knife.


While the word "keen" makes this description slightly different, the phrase is still a bit cliche. But keep it if you want - people will know what you're talking about.

The wind was in her sails and she was built for the chase; here, alone, she looked like a goddess. It was as if she was invincible as waves were split in two by the sheer power of the bow. The horizon was nothing but great depths of water, and it was all commanded by a frigate of 32-guns.


I loved this description! Very nice.

Her mainmast topgallant pierced the bottom of the merging rain clouds, while her bowsprit pointed defiantly towards her destination, wherever it might be, close to the last setting rays of the sun. There was still a light glimmer on the surface water, and it reflected into Pegasus, casting a shadowy glow onto the decks.


The last sentence in this paragraph was good, and I liked the imagery. However, the first sentence was too wordy to me. It sounded like you were trying to show off how much you knew about the different official names of parts of the ship... I don't know. Maybe if I read it a few times it'll sound better to me.

Lieutenant Robert Shaw stood nonchalantly on the stern of the vessel, using a golden telescope with confidence and staring at the trail the ship had made through the ocean. He moved it slightly upwards and looked horizontally behind them. There were no ships left to see, no last blurred remains of a slow convoy.


Good. Nice way to introduce the main character. It reminds me of Captain Jack's entrance in Pirates of the Caribbean, actually, except without the humor. Mix Pirates of the Caribbean with Master and Commander, and I think that's the effect I'm getting here.

The young Midshipman Fawcett stood beside him, looking a little nervous. “So we definitely lost the convoy then, sir?”


I'm assuming "Midshipman" is a title, correct? Okay. Just making sure. Also, I had to laugh at the name "Fawcett", both because it's the name of a kitchen appliance and the centerpiece of an inside joke.

Shaw lowered the telescope and handed it back to the boy, who had joined the Navy barely four months ago. In a way the Lieutenant had taken him under his mentorship more than the others, for he saw more of himself in the blue-eyed, curious lad. “Don’t worry, David. We’re just patrolling ahead, looking for any Frenchies that might be silly enough to get in our way. Besides, Pegasus is much too an impatient ship to sit in a convoy. What do we say?”

“That she likes to spread her wings, sir,” the boy replied on cue, with a huge grin on his face.


I love this interaction between Shaw and Fawcett!

“That’s it, boy. She’s sure flying speedily today.” They had made fabulous progress since leaving the front of the convoy, free to explore the open seas of the Atlantic. He hadn’t told David that he had an odd feeling of wariness, for the boy was prone to worry, but the increasingly large crashing waves and an odd shiver on his back meant his instincts were giving him bad signals. There was something strange about the day – from the unbelievably fast progress, despite Pegasus being well known as one of the Navy’s fastest frigates, to the fickle behaviour of the weather, from sunlight to downpour. Everything just seemed to indicate trouble ahead – the impending rain clouds, the eroding weather conditions and the above-perfect speeds that were just asking to disappear.


Good. I like how you mention the boy's tendency to worry - that really came through to me in the intro of his character.

Maybe it’s nothing, he wondered.


Like CL said, his thoughts should be italicized.

Maybe it’s just idle paranoia. You’ve been expecting the worse ever since … the Lieutenant shook himself from his mind to find that the boy was looking at him in a curious manner. “Is something the matter, sir?”


I think "Maybe it's just idle paranoia" should be italicized as well. Also, I just learned in my Creative Writing class that the actions of one character should be separate from the dialogue of another character. In this case, Fawcett's question should be on a new line. I was a bit confused until I read back and realized the boy was speaking there.

Robert smiled. “No, David, I’m fine.”

There was an odd silence then; the creaks of the ship seemed to cease, and the waves lulled. The sun brightened a little, despite it being dusk, and the rays glanced off the rising waves and reflected off something in the distance.

“Sail! Sail off the larboard bow!” shouted a seaman, perched in the crow’s nest. Robert’s telescope was up before the last echoes of the shout finished and it confirmed the lookout's cry. There was another ship on the water.

Someone else was flying with the Pegasus.


I absolutely love this ending! The first paragraph there is soothing, and then it begins to erupt into chaos. I think my favorite line is the one starting with "Robert's telescope". Very nice. And the last line sums it up perfectly.

This was a really good piece, Jack, and I enjoyed reading it. If your novel is anything like this short story, you can expect many more critiques from me! Whether I have time or not, I love this subject and I'll MAKE time to read it! :D Your research seems to have turned out nicely. I can't wait to read more!
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Tue Feb 28, 2006 4:01 pm
Firestarter says...



Thanks guys!

CL - Cheers! I'll like you to lok out for the rest of this and my novel 'cos I know you like this sort of thing and you read Hornblower so you can lend a critical eye. Tell me if it's actually enjoyable or not!

Sam - You said "It sounded like you were trying to show off how much you knew about the different official names of parts of the ship... I don't know. Maybe if I read it a few times it'll sound better to me." Hehe. I love the phrase "mainmast topgallant" mainly because "topgallant" is such a cool word. I could cut it out though to avoid just what you said. It does seem a bit wordy and needless. And yeh, Midshipman is a title.

Seems both of you liked the interaction between the characters, so that's a positive thing.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Tue Feb 28, 2006 4:36 pm
Caligula's Launderette says...



I'll be looking forward too it, hon. Can't resist a good historical fiction...

"topgallant" is indeed a spiffy word...

Her mainmast topgallant pierced the bottom of the merging rain clouds, while her bowsprit pointed defiantly towards her destination, wherever it might be, close to the last setting rays of the sun.


- If you are going to cut down on this sentence as Sam suggested, here is my suggestion: Her mainmast topgallant pierced the merging rain clouds, while her bowsprit pointed defiantly towards her destination, close to the last setting rays of the sun. - I suppose the description of the 'topgallant' and 'bowsprit' mean more to those who are ship savvy, I'd leave those in, they make a very clear description.

CL
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?
  





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Sat Mar 04, 2006 1:45 am
DarkerSarah says...



Good job, overall. It needs polishing, I think, but if it's part of a novel, then you've definitely got a long way to go without worrying about polishing. :lol:

"It was as if she was invincible as waves were split in two by the sheer power of the bow."

Grammatically it should be: "It was as if she WERE invincible..." and since you use the "were" again a few words down, you might consider reworking the sentence. Something like: "invincible; the waves being split in two by the sheer power of the bow." I think the first part of the sentence (to invincible) is strong enough to stand on its own.

"Lieutenant Robert Shaw stood nonchalantly on the stern of the vessel, using a golden telescope with confidence and staring at the trail the ship had made through the ocean."

"...and staring" is a little awkward. Something like: "...using a golden telescope with confidence to stare at..." sounds better.

" “That she likes to spread her wings, sir,” the boy replied on cue, with a huge grin on his face."

I love this. But I think that's the general agreement.

"Maybe it’s just idle paranoia. You’ve been expecting the worse ever since … the Lieutenant shook himself from his mind to find that the boy was looking at him in a curious manner. “Is something the matter, sir?” "

Great element of suspense. I think you need to split this up, though. "Is something the matter, sire?" needs to be a new paragraph.

"Someone else was flying with the Pegasus."

Great ending.

-Sarah
"And I am a writer
writer of fiction
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones...
Let me go if you don't love me" ~The Decembrists "Engine Driver"
  








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