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The Wild Ones Ch 5



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Sun Feb 13, 2011 5:24 pm
Baywolf says...



Spoiler! :
Well, here's the next chapter, and y'all have my dear Princess Hex (carbonCore) to thank. I'm not really sure where I'm going to take the story from here, but I wanted Amberose to have a "friend" and have to deal with the social aspects of humanity. It makes a great contrast I think to the starkness of the Wild. Hope y'all enjoy!


Chapter 5

Amberose crashed through the thicket, and almost skidded into a tree before catching her balance again and taking off in a new direction. Her eyes were focused as she rounded another bend in the forest path. Her prey was trying to escape.

The ground in this terrain was rough as she had tracked the cougar to the country surrounding the mountain-side, and up there, it was rough and rocky. Slipping meant landing hard on sharp stones and hard-packed, weathered earth. The gnarled trees were the only outliers, the further she went up the ever-sloping terrain, the more shrunken and withered the evergreens became.

Where she was though, the trees were still tall and relatively straight. It was part of what made hunting the big cat so difficult. She had to dodge and weave around the big trunks, a feat easier for the animal than for she.

The gun in her hand was slowing her down as well, but if she managed to catch the big cat, she would need that powerful chamber of destruction.

Her breathing came faster as she sped up to catch sight of a tawny hide leaping along the earth in great graceful bounds. The cougar was getting tired; she had surprised it in the middle of a kill. Amberose was lucky, she had its kill and now a big cat tired from its own hunting.

The cougar made one greater leap into a massive pine tree, the branches swaying under its weight, creaking with the groan of wood under stress. The needled leaves fell to the ground below, covering a small portion of the dusty earth. This season had been drier than most. She skidded to a stop and half-crouched, trying to get a visual on the cat.

She did not want to get too close, just close enough to get off a shot. Even when treed the cougar was formidable, and even more so since in the tree it had a tactical height advantage and could pounce on her from above.

If that happened, the gun would not do much good unless she got off a miracle shot. Amberose squinted and focused on a patch of tawny hide with a twitching black-tipped tail high up in the air near the middle of the tree trunk.

She raised the gun to her shoulder and closed one eye to focus the sighting bead on a section of the animal she considered closest to a kill shot. Of course, a shot to the head was her preferred shot, but she could not see its scowling face. So a body shot was what she was going to take.

Amberose took a deep breath to calm any nerves and reached out her right index finger to switch off the safety. As she pulled the trigger, she was suddenly hit from behind and the gun jerked making the bullet fly high and past the tree. The sound made birds fly from the trees and caw in anger.

Amberose went reeling from the blow, and she rolled as she hit the ground bringing herself back up on her feet from experience. She had managed to keep hold of the gun and she swung it around to meet her attacker.

Her eyes saw another Wild One with calculating yellow eyes observing her with curiosity. It was a girl of about Amberose’s own age, but she could have easily been younger. The Wild tended to age those who lived there prematurely. Amberose herself looked much older than her almost nineteen years. Her face had lines in it from the sun, and her skin was dark gold.

In other ways though, the Wild invigorated those in its spell. Amberose looked both weary and enlivened; old and young; strong and fragile; mysterious and known. It was the Wild that brought out the duality in humanity. It was a delicate balance, and easily tipped in the way that led to being a Soulless. Amberose was not going to take that path willingly.

Amberose let out a small growl of disapproval in being disrupted in the middle of her hunt. And the other girl narrowed her eyes and returned with a growl of her own. They edged around each other in a circle like cats over a kill, trying to get a measure off of the other and to see who would look away first.

Amberose assessed the girl as a threat, and was not going to turn her back on her, not after what she had done.
The girl with the yellow eyes snarled and eyed the gun in Amberose’s hands. The dull metal of the barrel glinted in the sunlight, a small sign that it did not belong in the Wild. Nothing that glitters was natural.

Good, she recognizes that I have an advantage, Amberose thought dangerously. She would not hesitate to use that gun if the girl turned out to be an enemy.

She was surprised therefore when the girl stopped moving and tried to lessen her appearance as a threat by raising her hands in surrender and lowering her eyes in a sign of submission to Amberose’s dominance.

Amberose stopped as well, keeping the gun on the girl; she was afraid this was a trick and looked around her quickly, scanning the tree line and any large boulders for hidden threats. The girl could just be a diversion and might not be working alone.

“What do you want?” Amberose asked gruffly. Her dark golden eyes never let the girl get out of her sight.

The yellow eyed girl just looked at her, as if she didn’t understand and Amberose wondered if the girl was one of the Soulless. No, that wasn’t possible; a Soulless would not have stopped fighting.

“Why did you attack me?” Amberose tried again with a different tact.

This time the girl shrugged and replied in a soft, young voice, “You were going to kill my predator.”

Amberose was shocked. “Your predator? I was not aware that another Wild One lived in my area. Or that I had to ask permission to hunt in my own territory.”

The girl shrugged again noncommittally. “I haven’t been here long. I’ve been following you most days to see if you were a threat to me. And I could not let you harm the cat, she is my…cat.”

Amberose stiffened. So she hadn’t been imagining something following her in the shadows. She had thought her paranoia was just getting the best of her. This was news.

“What is your name?” Amberose asked.

The girl frowned. “What is a name?”

Her question made Amberose sad. This girl was on her way to becoming a Soulless. Perhaps it wasn’t too late yet.

“It is what others call you, to tell you apart,” Amberose replied carefully. “You do have a name don’t you? From before the Wild?”

“There has never been a before for me,” the girl said in turn. Her yellow eyes were back to being curious.

Amberose took in the rest of her unkempt appearance. Dark brown hair, dirty skin, and tattered clothes sewn and tied haphazardly together from scraps of leather, some with the fur still attached. She looked the part of a true Wild One.

“Well, I have to call you something,” she sighed. “What do you wish to be called, girl?”

The girl looked puzzled for a moment. “Why?” she asked. She did not understand why Amberose would want to give her a name.

Amberose smiled gently, finally lowering the gun making the girl more at ease. “Because I’ve decided to let you stay with me, as long as I can trust you.”

The girl smiled tentatively. “What is your…name?” she asked as an answer.

“I am called Amberose, and I have decided that you shall be called Nera,” she answered kindly.

“Nera,” the girl said it, testing the name out on her tongue. “I like it.”

“Yes, I think it suits you,” Amberose said. She was not used to talking to someone for so long. She didn’t know what had spurred her to take in the girl. It must have been her appearance and desire to save the cat. Amberose sighed.

“Come, Nera, since I cannot kill your cat, we must find a bear or a moose while the day is young,” Amberose announced as she dusted herself off from her fall to the ground. Nera was strong for someone so young. Amberose was not easily knocked to the ground.

The newly christened Nera smiled widely. “I know where a herd of moose are right now!”

She was excited to have finally befriended Amberose. All those days of watching her had made her hope to get to know her. She knew from seeing Amberose hunt that she was exceptionally skilled and a good choice for protection.

She needed Amberose. And Amberose wasn’t aware just how much she was actually helping Nera.
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Mon Feb 14, 2011 4:49 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Bailey, tis me: your sister from another mother!

Even when treed the cougar was formidable, and even more so since in the tree it had a tactical height advantage and could pounce on her from above.
did you mean Tired?

Her eyes saw another Wild One with calculating yellow eyes observing her with curiosity.
that part bothered me. Her eyes saw? She saw, didn't she? Maybe if you change it to: her eyes found her glimpsed or something. Or is it just me?

The yellow eyed girl just looked at her
I think there should be a dash...no?

And that was it for the nitpicks.

My only other issue is with how fast Amberose trusts Nera. I mean, ok, Nera's been watching her for days and hasn't harmed her, which probably means she's safe, but still...I'd love to know why she decides to keep her as a friend, and also, why she immediately assumes Nera is ok with it, and not just a wild child.

Other than that, I'm very grateful you were bullied into posting this. Haha. Loved it!

Tanya
  





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Wed Feb 16, 2011 5:26 pm
carbonCore says...



Heya B! Good job on completing your first knightly assignment. I've ditched the pony for a diesel-powered motorbike, and then drove over that jerkass prince because he insistently wouldn't notice my swooning. Probably because he was too busy looking at the diesel-powered motorbike. Anyway, let's dig in.

Being your blog stalker that I am, I know that you're a hunter; it really shows here. Not just because the entire scene is, well, about hunting. The way it's written makes the leaves, the trees, the sweat, the heartbeat all feel real. The use of the word "treed" feels like jargon, I've never heard it being used in that way. Every part of Amberose's encounter with the wildcat feels real. Great bit of writing.

Having said that, I did find Amberose meeting the girl a bit too sudden. It would have been nice to see some hints that there is someone else in the area before Amberose met her. Then again... that would require writing a bit more, not diving into the story head-first just to placate Princess Hex, wouldn't it?... ;)

If you really are planning on continuing this story to make it into something serious, I would suggest you show off your world a bit more. It not being a desert where the only snow is that of the nuclear variety, already shows promise as a unique post-apocalyptic setting. But what happened to the buildings, the cars? Did the aliens steal them? Can we see some trace of what happened? So far, although re-reading the first two chapters of your quiet Earth still gives me the shivers, it feels like a regular day in the woods a few hundred miles away from civilization.

While I don't mind the inclusion of another character, I still feel that a depopulated world like you had before was really something special. TVTropes calls it a "Beautiful Void" - and every single work listed on that trope page is a masterpiece. Still, what you've got now is already great, and I would love to read more of it (if you will write more of it).

Your princess,
cC
_
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:47 pm
PatriciaTina says...



Ahhh!! YES!!!!!! You posted chapter 5!! This is awesome! :D So let's just get on with this review then...

Description and Writing Style

As always, your description is amazing. I was drawn in from the very start and you held my interest he whole time I was reading.

However, I should mention that I found you had some parts in here that were a bit awkward and confusing, which should probably be reworded. For example, here's an example of two sentences that are quite awkward:

As she pulled the trigger, she was suddenly hit from behind and the gun jerked making the bullet fly high and past the tree. The sound made birds fly from the trees and caw in anger.


These sentence don't really flow that well together or read very easily, so I would suggest trying to reword them so that they read better.

Next, I've picked out an example of a sentence that just doesn't really make much sense at all:

The Wild tended to age those who lived there prematurely.


When writing, make sure your sentences always make sense and don't need to be reread over and over for the reader to understand what you're trying to say. Make sure that you're clear in your meaning.

As for your writing style, there's not much I have to say since it's pretty much perfect. Good job once again, Bailey!

Character Development and Dialogue

Now, as for this I have a bit more to talk about. You've done a pretty good job at character development so far, but I found it a bit odd that Amberose immediately befriended this other girl without much suspicion. She immediately accepted that this girl wasn't a threat to her, but if she was raised in this harsh and hostile environment completely by herself, wouldn't she be even a bit distrustful, as well as more inclined to just ditch this other girl and stay by herself?

Your dialogue as well could use a bit of improving, since it doesn't seem that natural. Read it out loud, make sure that it sounds okay as well as reads okay.

Overall

Since there's nothing really that I can nit-pick at other than what I've already gone over, I'll just skip that for this review. Overall, I think that this is a solid continuation, as well as a nice twist added to your story. I loved reading it, and I can't wait to read your next chapter! Please, please, please update soon! :D
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

Don't look in the spoiler.

Spoiler! :
I lost the game.

"I always hear punch me in the face when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext."
~ Dr. John Watson
  








You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott