Young Writers Society

"Erin! Megan! Noah! Matt!" I hopelessy yelled; my voice immediately lost in the echos of the cavern. Where can they be? I started running again when I heard the voices of the enemy. But before I could get far, pain ripped through me once more and I feel against a nearby wall. Tears poured down my face as I willed myself to stay slient. All around me, I heard the sounds of my fellow comrades shout and fight. Gunshots rang out from the area non-stop. The seriously wounded cried out, asking for help that might never come. When I tried to walk away from where I was standing, one of the hurt grabbed my leg and pulled me down.

"Help me!" He cried painfully, "I don't want to die!" I pushed away from the boy and sprinted away.

I don't remember how long I ran, but when the pain rushed over me again, I doubled over. I couldn't manage much longer if I didn't get help soon.

"Anyone please!" I screamed, rage and agony tearing me apart, "Can someone just help me?!" The pain subsided a while latter, but I still felt weak.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps racing behind me. I instantly tensed up and feared I was facing my last moments. I began to sob as the person crept closer.

"Mukuka!" I heard Erin whisper in my ear. I sighed in relief and relaxed a little. "Are you okay?" I pathetically shook my head as the pain quickly returned. "Is it happening now?" I nodded my head and tried to stand up. Erin grabbed my arm and helped me up. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and she helped me walk. We headed back to where our makeshift base was.

"You think we'll make it back in time?" I nervously asked Erin. She shrugged uncertainly and continued walking. As we slowly trekked back to camp, we passed many of the wounded soldiers that laid in the field. Most of them were beyond hope, while others stayed silent and still. I recognized some of the fallen, but I showed no remorse. I was so focused on getting back to base in time. Just before we reached the camp, someone jumped out from a barrier and pulled out a semi-automatic rifle. Erin drew her shotgun out of its holster and shoved me over to a wall. She quickly fired off multiple rounds at the kid as he fell to the ground.

"We need to hurry!" I yelled at Erin as I clutched my belly in pain. Erin grabbed me again and yanked me towards the now visible doors of the base. Immediately kicking them down, she checked to see if any intruders were lurking.

"Megan! Noah!" Erin shouted. I heard a faint reply and I waddled in behind her. Once the doors slammed shut, I saw Megan and Noah appear from behind the shadows. Megan rushed over to me and then turned to glance at Erin, who was barely unconscious while she leaned against a pole.

"Is she okay?" Megan asked me and Erin, "Is she coming now?" I stayed silent, feeling pain slice through me. Noah walked up to Erin and gasped.

"Erin's been shot." Noah said shockingly, "She's really hurt badly."

"We have bigger problems to face." I commented, sitting up on the floor. Considering I'm in labor and the Company army is marching down here right now to- I didn't get to finish my thought when a bomb detonated mere feet from us.

This was a rather intense scene. There are some problems with using it as a prologue.

First, prologues are used to introduce a conflict. My textbook example of this is Lord of the Rings. The prologue talks about the ring of power. It talks about the forging of the rings and how evil the ring of power truly is. By following it's history, we gain an idea of how significant it really is, as well as what would happen if Sauron should get it back.

This, on the other hand, tells us that a battle is happening, but without any context whatsoever. Names are dropped, but because those characters haven't been introduced, they have no meaning to the reader. People are fighting and dying, but I can't really tell why.

As a prologue then, this is pretty bad. It may be better if it were included in a chapter, after the characters had been introduced as well as some basic plot. (i.e. Labor good, Company Bad, etc.)

I really liked this. My only picky part in this is that you don't have to start two new lines when somebody is speaking. That is my only problem, but it might just be me. Anyways, I liked it. So keep it up.

I'm guessing this is the second novel to the secret pack of hellwolves- which I just finished reading and think you should post- so it really dragged me in. I think you need to give the readers more information about what is happening though- because not everyone read the first book. I really like it and want you to keep writing!!!

-Titan

I really liked this piece. It was very intense, and I couldn't help to read further.
Most of the time I don't really like stories with that much action and violence, but this piece kept me captivated.

As far as I know you misspelled one word, 'slient', but I didn't really see any grammar mistakes.
I hope you'll continue this story, I really want to read it.

Well done, and keep up the good work!