Young Writers Society

"Cassie, we're going out for a run. You want to come with?" My mom asks, flicking her long, curly, dark auburn (usually mistaken for dark brown) hair behind her shoulder out of habit.

"No thanks, I want to finish this book so I can drop it off at the school library tomorrow." I smile, waving for her to go along.

She smiles back, crossing the room to kiss my forehead.

"Love you Cass."

"Love you too."

I watch as she closes my door with a quiet click. I grab my library book, Stephen Kings The Shining and resume my place at page 176.

I hear my baby sister, Jennah (age eight), my baby brother, Nate (age five), My dad, and my mom discussing where they should change. We've been noticing a couple of the same guys hanging around our property lately and they want to make sure it's safe.

I know, you're probably sitting there with your faced screwed up and the wheels in your mind turning, thinking What is this girl on? Changing, what does that mean? I'm just going to hit pause quick and explain a few things.

Me and my family are Werewolves. Yes, and that so clears the whole what is this girl on? thing up. No, I'm not crazy or on anything. The gene's been passed down through our family for generations now. In fact, my great-great grandmother was actually Alpha of the pack back then.

Most people think the gene is only passed down to males. Well that is super sexist. Us girls are just as strong (most stronger) then the guys. Girls just have to grow into there power where as the guys are born with their full power. I still haven't hit full power yet. At any given moment I can change back to a human from wolf and if I get too angry, well let's just say we had a lot of damage control to do and we had to call in a couple Witches for memory loss spells when I got into that fight a few years ago...

And on that bright note, yes there is other supernaturaul's. We live amongst you humans but trust me, we're in a whole other world. We have a supernaturaul government with a Warlock as president right now and a whole bunch of laws, just the way you humans do it.

Wich brings me to my next thought. There's a whole bunch of different races. There's Necromancers, Vampires, Wewolves, Witches, Warlocks, and then Half Breeds. Half Breeds are supernaturaul's with two different races for their parents. There's rumored to have once been Dhampirs, half vampire and half human, but we haven't seen one in years. They're considered to be the lowest of the low when they fall in love with humans. The human usually ends up being killed and the vampire outlawed. There's been no babies born by both in over a thousand years.

Okay, pretend I just hit resume so we're back to the here and now.

I put the book down, now on page 350 after that huge explanation. A headache's begun to blossom behind my eyes and up into my forehead. I rub my hand across my eyes, pressing gently to release some of the pain.

I hear the soft padding of my family's paws retreating down the trail and farther into the woods. I sigh and burry my head in one of my pillows. My home life is good. Now if only my school life can go as well as this...

I grab the remote and click the power button, the t.v. snapping to life. Channel 1333, the supernatural news channel (only available on supernatural made t.v.'s) pops up. As I'm about to change the channel to music channels, red letters pop up.

I roll my eyes and read them aloud.

"Do not turn the channel, an emergency broadcast will be on in thirty seconds."

The red letters blick importantly. I wait impatiently, debating on wether or not I should change it anyways.

"This news just in, no supernaturaul race is safe anymore. The human U.S. government has found out about our world and has ordered the immediately capture anyone under suspicion. If anyone is caught we advise you to go quietly. We have received notice that they will shoot to kill if you make a commotion. Normal citizens are being kept in the dark so whatever you do, do not threaten that ignorance or you will be slaughtered. There is suspicion that they have one of our own working with them. As of right now we are not sure on we're you are taking when they get a hold of you. Inside sources have only been able to tell us it is not the human prisons, but somewhere more viscous." A perky, platinum blonde with an enormous chest says gravely.

My jaw drops, my brown eyes bulging in their sockets. I turn the volume up louder and scoot a little closer so I won't miss a word.

"Everyone is advised to act as normal as possible." The blonde continues, her head tilting down slightly and revealing brown roots. "Warlocks and Witches should not practice any magic under any circumstances. Vampires are limited to animals and blood donators, but should be careful where they hunt. Werewolves should avoid their runs and changes for as long as possible. Necromancers are not permitted to perform any rituals. Failure to follow these instructions will consequence in your capture. Our beloved president cannot be held responsible. Thank you and have a nice evening."

The camera goes back to a muscular man with fangs standing in front of a weather map.

I lay back on my bed, dazed. This has never happened before. What happens when you're captured? Where do they take you?

Then it hits me, my family is out there with strange guys hanging around. They're in danger.

Before I know it, I'm off my bed and flying through my house. I throw the door open, bursting outside and running for dear life. The door bangs back and forth, hanging slightly off its hinges from the force of my push.

Everything feels as if someone hit a slow-mo button. I look around, seeing the humans walking down the street gawk as I run past into the thick trees. I close my eyes for a split second, not bothering to stop for this, and pray to any God or Goddess up above who has decided to tune into the Cassandra Greene Station for the moment. I open my eyes, hoping against hope my family is okay.

I don't think I could live if anything happens to them, they're my everything.

Your story was great it was really good i thought there were a few typos like instead of supernatural you put supernaturaul and werewolves you put wewolves but over all i really liked it:)

First off I think this is a really good concept! I love the idea of a girl werewolf! Thats not something you see often and that's something that would keep me hooked as the reader. Just a few little things you should do.

"Wich brings me to my next thought. There's a whole bunch of different races" It should say Which not Wich, also you could put a comma in between thought and there's and that could make the thought fuller.

"Everything feels as if someone hit a slow-mo button. I look around, seeing the humans walking down the street gawk as I run past into the thick trees." Also you could slow motion instead of slow-mo (it makes you sound better), also I didn't really understand what you mean by "gawk" I think thats something you may also need to put some clarification on. Also if I had written this sentence I would of written it more like this.

"Everything feels as if someone hit a slow-motion button on a remote. I look around, seeing all of the human face walking down the street with no idea of what really was happening I thought of how simple there lives were as I ran past then and into the thick trees." Just adding those few little things and thats just one way to make that sentence sound a million times better. (You can use that if you want )

But all in all very good! Keep writing!

Hello hi!

Just going to go for the quick-n-dirty review, so I won't nitpick all that much. Just general impressions.

I liked Cassie's devotion to her family. Too often, a character's family is completely forgotten about in the character's journey, but here it appears to be starting out because of her family. Spiffy.

A lot of the information you're giving us isn't really necessary. Most of the stuff about her family (like her siblings' ages, her mom's hair, etc.) is really extraneous. We don't need to know what book Cassie's reading or anything and it's just sort of taking away from the story. It takes almost this entire chapter for anything to really kick off. The rest of it is just background information.

That said, some background information will be needed. This is a whole new situation you're setting up for us and we are going to need to know what's going on, but we don't need to know all at once. What you have here is an info-dump, about the supernaturals and everything. Get us to the story and the character first, then do a little explaining. And, rather than having it literally be a time-out from the narration of the story, try to incorporate it in a little more to what's actually going on.

I did notice quite a few typos throughout this. Words spelled one way in a few places were spelled differently in others and some were just plain strange. It was kind of distracting, which isn't good. You don't want people to be drawn out of your story because they're trying to figure out why a word looks funny.

A perky, platinum blonde with an enormous chest says gravely.

Perky and grave are complete opposites. This sentence sort of makes no sense because of that.

Why are the supernatural folks being rounded up by the government? How did the government find out about them? How did they mobilize so quickly after that without the supernatural folks not knowing about it? Questions!

If you have any questions or want more in-depth stuff, just sent me a PM!

Keep on writing!

~GryphonFledgling

Wow! This is really good! I love fiction and action adventure books and this combines both perfectly. It also combines one of my favourte things that usually doesn't have much to do with writting, animals. I saw a few mistakes i spelling and punctuation mistakes but other than that it was a really good book and I can't wait to read the next part. Keep writing!

Wow I love this storry line so far. It kept my attention through the whole chapter. You should probablly look through it again to catch some spelling mistakes like; "blick" should be Blink "Wich brings me to my next thought" should be which. etc alot of easy spelling mistakes and in "And on that bright note, yes there is other supernaturaul's" (supernatural's)
"Yes, and that so clears the whole what is this girl on? thing up." This sentece is kind of awkward, I'd re-write it to add quotes around "what is this girl on" or maybe take the question mark out of the middle of the sentence unless you add the quotes. Also like the person above said the "perky" and "brave" reporter bothered me having both adjectives.
Keep up the writing, can't wait to read more!
tgirly