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Captured Chapter 2



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Thu Mar 24, 2011 7:59 pm
XxjustmeXx says...



Mud sticks to the bottom of my bare feet, along with stones, twigs, and blood that all mix together into a sticky glue that tries to keep from lifting from the ground. I pay it no attention, the adrenaline pumping through my veins making me run faster then I've ever run in my life. That's saying something considering I'm the fastest member of my family and friends. And that's including Werewolves, Vampires, and Half Breeds.

I cock my head to the side, listening for any trace of my beloved family. Nothing. Then suddenly I get a wiff of my baby sister's scent. I run in the direction it came from, coming upon a small meadow we've had countless family picnic's in. I even had my first kiss here (and I'm pretty sure the boy, Josh Rowens, got his first kick in the no-no's here.) My eyes widen at what I see.

My mom's hair is tangled and hanging across her face in a manor she never would have allowed had she not been fighting at least five guys in an array of black uniforms. I see everyone (that's in human form) has their clothes on, thank God.

Jennah is standing in the middle of the clearing fighting in her wolf form, taking out about two per minute. Her body lurches forward suddenly, convulsing and shrinking until she's just a small girl with no sharp claws or teeth and no fur sprouting from her now naked body. I remember my undershirt and rip off my overshirt, throwing it to her to use. Her hand snakes out and grabs at the last second, throwing it on to cover her exposed body. As a huge, muscular man approaches her carelessly, she grabs his arm and rips it from its socket. He looks down curiously, feeling nothing at first. Then his wails start as his receptors realize what's happened. I turn away from the bloody scene, knowing she can handle herself. For now.

Nate is across the tiny meadow, wailing so loud and attacking anybody in his personal bubble so nobody dares get within three feet. I smile, proud of the fact that even though he's scared, he's still able to fight perfectly.

My dad is nowhere to be seen though I can hear his grunts from within the trees and with my Werewolf hearing I'm estimating about a quarter of a mile east.

My assesment's made in about three seconds. As soon as I'm able to process everything, I jump into action.

I take out the first three guys that come near me with a roundhouse kick to the neck for each, effectively breaking them with a loud snap! The last two that had been coming for me look at each other, most likely trying to figure out a new plan. Yeah, good luck with that.

One of them takes a pistol from his black belt (go figure) and points it at me. I dodge the first bullet he fires, having heard it and kick his legs out from beneath him. He falls flat on his face, landing in a huge pile of dirt. I grab his neck and twist as far as it will go, sick to my stomach but knowing it's the only choice.

"Well, you could tie them up you know." A small part of my brain whispers.

"WIth what? My intestines?" The more rational part of my mind answers.

I shake my head, this is not the time to go to war with my morals.

The second grabs my arms from behind, pressing my face against the muddy ground. How poetic. I kick upwards, catching him in his manly place. A high pitched squeaking sounds manifests from deep in his throat, tears coming to his eyes. Hey, that's exactly how Josh sounded! Okay, back to bussiness. I kick him in the chest, his breath leaving him in with an oof. He gasps, trying to get some air in. I smash my hand into his neck, crushing the juggular and all of the bones. He gags, gasping and clawing, drowining to death in his own, disgusting blood. I leave him lying there on the ground. He'll be dead in about three more minutes.

I rush to where Nate is standing and take out two guys with one kick. They land on the ground somewhere with a low thud. I hear a groan from behind me but tune them out and focus on getting to my brother. He wails, just his hands turning into claws, and rakes them across one guys chest, leaving deep cuts that gush sticky crimson instantly.

My mom screams from somewhere, a high pitched, girly thing she would have been ashamed of under normal circumstances. I turn around, leaving my brother with the help of Jennah. She's sprawled out on the ground, her arm cradled to her chest and the area around her drenched in blood. I sniff. Most of it is hers but some is foreign so it must be the guy panting by her side.

I rush to her side, breaking the legs of the guy beside her.

"Mom, what's wrong? What'd they do?" I ask through tears.

She looks up, her normally slightly tanned face as white as a sheet of paper. Her eyes water and her breathing seems laboured.

"H-he cut the Bra-brachial artery in m-my arm." She gasps, holding her arm tighter.

"Dad!" I scream, tears blurring the world around me.

I wipe them away angrily, hoping no one can see them. I don't cry. Ever. At least not in front of anyone else anyways.

"Dad!" I cry. "Daddy, I need you! Mom's hurt really bad!"

"Hun, I'm a little bussy right now. How serious is it?" He grunts back.

He's a little closer now, I can see him holding off three guys with one arm and two with the other. What they don't have in strength they make up with numbers. There's about twenty dead, five wounded, and twenty still standing and fighting.

"She said the guy cit her Brachial artery, the one in your arm. She's losing consciousness." I yell back, shaking my mother to try and keep her awake.

"Hun, just go fight them off. Save everyone else. I'll be fine." She whispers in a hoarse voice.

I shake my head, lifting her arm up into the air to stop the blood flow. The gash in her arm is deep, showing meaty flesh and blood running straight out as if it were water.

"She needs a tourniquette. She could lose her arm but she'll be alive." A large man whispers in my ear.

I look up, seeing him in a black uniform just like the rest but his face is somehow softer then all the rest. His voice is accented, suggesting he's from somewhere in Africa.

"I work for your government, I won't hurt you." He whispers, looking around to make sure no one sees us talking.

I yank my black sweatpants off to reveal a pair of my best friend, Ryan's, boxer's he gave me for shorts. I rip into small strips, tying one around my mom's arm.

"Just breath, I know it hurts but it's going to be okay. You're going to live." I whisper, trying to finish the knot I started but my fingers keep slipping because of the blood, wich makes me tremble with fear, wich in turn makes it even harder.

Finally, the knot's finished and the blood has slowed. I'm about to pick her up and carry her away from here when a strong fists wraps my hair around its self and yanks.

I'm pulled to my feet roughly, my head and neck arching back painfully from the force. My arms are bent back in positions they weren't meant to bend in as metal hand cuffs are shut around my wrists. On instinct, I start pulling against them, trying to break them.

"Don't even bother." Hot breath brushes against my ear, a scent horrid enough to make me gag drifting up to my nose. "It's been charmed to resists Werewolve strength, Vampire strength, and Witch and Warlock magic. Plus it's Titanium."

My body begins to convulse, trembling from head to toe.

"Back up." I growl, sounding inhuman.

"You can't break through these babies, not even your father was able to." He whispers in my ear.

The cuffs groan as my hands become paws, my fingernails lengthening into sharp, dangerous claws. Hair sprouts from my every pore, covering me in the same color fur as my hair wich is a deep auburn (usually mistaken for regular brown.) I grin, baring my newly sharpened teeth, sharp enough to bring blood from the smallest prick.

The guy gasps as the cuffs snap and I stare him in his cold, grey eyes, now wide with amazement and fear.

"Your-your eyes. There black! They were just brown a second ago!" He breathes.

"Yeah, that happens." My mom grunts from the groiund, pushing herself into a sitting position.

He lunges for her, trying to knock her back down. I snarl a warning. He continues going after her, my wounded, weak mother. How courageous.

I pounce on him, tearing a large chunk of meaty flesh from his abdomen. He bites down hard on his lower lip, trying to stop the scream he had drew a sharp breath in for. A trickle of blood drips down his chin. I growl, getting ready to rip his head from his shoulders when I begin to shake again, getting ready to Change back.

"No, no, no, no, no, no!" I scream inside my head, coming out as a howl.

And then I'm shrinking again, turning back into a scrawny, fourteen year old, human, naked girl.
  





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Sun Mar 27, 2011 9:43 am
IcyFlame says...



Nobody likes reviewing chapters. It's a daunting task; especially when you see how long they are. But I'm going to give it a go!
XxjustmeXx wrote:tries to keepmy feet from lifting

XxjustmeXx wrote:Then suddenlycomma I get a wiff of my baby sister's scent.

XxjustmeXx wrote:"With what? My intestines?" The more rational part of my mind answers.

XxjustmeXx wrote:busy

XxjustmeXx wrote:bra-brachial


This is all I'm picking out... for now. my one other point is that it's impossible to tell whether the main character is a boy or a girl at this point. They think in the way you would imagine a male to; which makes it very confusing at the end.
Overall though it was a good chapter. Possibly a bit too full of action at the beginning, which can cause the reader to lose interest. I powered through to do a reveiw but you may want to add extra layers to the story.
  





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Sun Mar 27, 2011 7:16 pm
oceanwriter99 says...



First off really good! Just a few things, as before.

First in the sentence " "She said the guy cit her Brachial artery, the one in your arm. She's losing consciousness." I yell back, shaking my mother to try and keep her awake." It should be cut not cit.

Also as before it should be Which not wich and there's just a few other grammar items that need to be fixed but as I said before really good and I LOVE the world you are creating!

One last thing, Where did the guy who was one her side go? Keep writing!
Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.
Benjamin Franklin
  





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Wed Jul 27, 2011 4:36 am
Ghost42 says...



Ok this was really good. I only saw a few spelling, grammer, and punctuation mistakes. I loved the fight scean and how discriptive you were when the character was running through the forest. What I didn't like, well there was practicly nothing i didn't like. This book was awsome! Can't wait to read more!
If there is one thing I never go anywhere without, it's my pencil.
Another thing, if schools don't allow wepons, then why do they allow pens? Because, if the pen is mighter than the sword, doesn't that mean the pen is a wepon too?
  








If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is poetry.
— Emily Dickinson