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Young Writers Society


Parasite Chapter 1



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Points: 1040
Reviews: 47
Fri Mar 25, 2011 5:20 pm
XxjustmeXx says...



Present Day, Ninth Grade:

"Oh my God, Mrs. Greene is going in for surgery we're going to have a sub for the whole month!" Leah exclaims excitedly.

I smile and grab one of the deep maroon trays.

"When's she going?" I ask, getting in line with her trailing behind.

"Next monday, we're getting Mr. Walten!"

"He's such a push over!" Jillian giggles from my other side.

I smile half heartedly and grab an apple, my mind on other things.

"Hurry up!" Jillian whines, switching from foot to foot impatiently and twisting her long, white/blonde hair.

"I'm hurrying." I throw a couple bills at the cashier, not waiting for my change. "We eating with Mike still?"

Leah gives me a duh look then pulls her cell phone out and follows me. We learned a little late in the middle school that when we're just starting out in a new school, it's best to stick closer to Mike and his friends. Since the beginning of the year, we've sat with Mike at lunch. Leah keeps saying we should move over to another table soon but she never follows through, she loves her big brother too much.

Leah smiles micheviously over my shoulder and then takes my tray. This can't be good.

"What the-" I begin, knowing she won't answer but it's worth a shot.

Strong arms wrap around my waist and legs, pulling me up into honeymoon style. I struggle weakly, not even really trying. Why would I want him to put me down? He swings me around in a circle then puts me down, much to the amusement of all the upperclassmen.

"Mike!" I yell in mock anger.

"Couldn't help it. I see an oppertunity, I take it." He chuckles.

He tickles my sides, making me leap ten feet in the air and laugh. I grab my tray from Leah and stick my tongue at her playfully.

"You're so mean to me! You know I hate my laugh!" I smack him in the back of his head as we sit down.

"Awh, I think it's cute. You sound like a little girl." He says around a mouth full of fries.

"Whatever." I sigh. "So what was the Geometry homework?"

Yes, I am in eleventh grade math. Yes, it completely sucks. Talk about high expectations from everyone.

"It was page 384, one to..." His eyes widen.

"What?" I ask, dabbing at my mouth with a napkin, afraid I've got something on my face.

"Holy shit!" He exclaims, jumping out of his seat and pulling me and Leah with him.

I grab Jillian and look back to find out what's up. That's when I see this huge thing making contact with aground and sliding towards the cafeteria. Towards us.

He pulls us toward the increasingly crowded hallways. I cringe at the thought of being smooshed against all those people but allow him to slip an arm around my waist and drag me along. Leah's huddled against his side, holding onto his arm. She's not exactly crazy about crowds either. I keep a hold of Jillian's hand, hoping she won't get lost in the mass of people.

"Mike, you better start just pushing people out of the way before Kita goes into a panic attack. I think she's already hyperventalating." Jake laughs, coming up beside us.

Unfortunately, Leah hits him before I get a chance to.

Finally, we reach one of the emergency exits and burst through the double doors. The chilly Fall air hits me at once. I shiver, pressing into Mike's warm side. We walk up the hill where the rest of the school's standing, awaiting an answer
  





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Fri Mar 25, 2011 6:12 pm
Audrey says...



Hello!

So, this is a really decent piece I think. You showed us a scene with a fair amount of detail, and you dispersed information throughout your piece, without getting "info-dumpy", which is really nice to see.

So, I have a few suggestions. To begin with, I think the addition of some description of the scene as whole would help clarify the entire piece. I count six characters introduced in this short piece. That's quite a few. If you describe the scene as a whole, it could help your readers get a grasp on who all is there and how they all relate to each other. As it stands, the large number of characters are confused with each other. In addition, they are rather flat as characters. Right now, they do not have individual personalties and stories. So as you continue this, I would focus some on character development. Try to get to know each of your characters personally. What makes him or her different from others? What are his or her major motivations in life? What does he or she like and dislike? etc.

The other thing I would give some attention to is clarity, particularly in the latter part of piece.
I grab Jillian and look back to find out what's up. That's when I see this huge thing making contact with aground and sliding towards the cafeteria. Towards us.

Mainly here. I have no idea what is going on. What is coming toward them? I'm confused. I would add some more description.

One final thing. Right now, it seems possible that your main character could shaping up to be a Mary Sue. Which essentially means that your MC is idealized, without any significant flaws. Such a character, detracts from the story because this type character is a little flat, and not very believable. I would just be cautious about this. As you move forward, try and develop characters who are well-rounded and balanced, with their own strengths and weaknesses. If you would like to see if your MC is a Mary Sue right now, here is a link to a Mary Sue litmus test.

Thankyou for the read! I think this piece is really decent, and is certainly a great start. Best of luck, and if you have any questions or comments feel free to PM me.

Audrey
"I've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar
I've never made a bet, but we gamble in desire
I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire,
But recently the flames are getting out of control"
  





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Sat Mar 26, 2011 8:56 pm
psudiname says...



this was very good, and it left me excited for the next chapter. there are a few things I would like you to make a little more clear though. first, I'm still a little confused as to what the MC's realtionship with Mike is. she definately likes him romantically, you've made that clear, but in the prologue she would always tell people he was "like a brother" and likewise, he would say she was "like a sister". it just started to confuse me a little bit when he starts what would seem to be flirting in the cafeteria. if you could just clear up her thoughts on the matter that would add a lot to what you have.
once again, I like your charecter development, but think that you should add a little more description too. sometimes you seem to get so caught up in your charecter's interactions that you forget to introduce the scenery around them. this was better near the end, when you started talking about the cold autumn air, but it also would have been nice earlier as I struggled to imagine what the monster looked like when it's only description was that it was a "thing".
all in all, this chapter satisfied my craving for more of your story after I read the prologue, only to replace it with more craving for the next chapter. keep up the good work! your friend,
---Psudiname
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.
  








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