Young Writers Society

7 months into a zombie invasion, Finn is alone. He and a small group of other children are scattered across an English theme park. They have to do their best to keep themselves safe from the murderous dead ambling around. In the end, Finn along with friends Will, Deano, Colin and Jay have to decide which is better; living in this sad, cruel world or succumbing to the Creepers...

Chapter 1
Finn paused at the top of the ladder. He looked up at the sky. It was a pale blue, and the darker shapes of clouds crawled across the sky like slugs. Finn climbed up the ladder, through the broken skylight. He clambered up and walked along the cafe roof. He walked to the edge and sat down. He was about the height of a two-storey house. His legs dangled over the side. There wasn’t much on the roof. The top of the ladder poked through one of the six skylights. The other five were intact. There were a couple of cardboard boxes, filled with rubbish. Finn couldn’t see anyone. He was used to being alone now. Well, he could never say he was truly alone. The Creepers were out there. They always were. They never went away. He liked to watch them- as long as he was out of their way. He thought they were fascinating, yet he still hated them. He despised them more than anything left on Earth.
The roof was rough and dirty brown, flecked with moss and bird droppings. The cafe itself was in a bad way. The doors and windows were boarded up, and the outside walls were filthy were the Creepers had scrabbled at them. Finn stood up slowly. He scanned the theme park, the rides broken and useless, the shops abandoned and the whole place a mess. The rollercoaster tracks looked like the skeletons of dinosaurs in the pale light. Finn loved this place; he always had, since he was a little kid. He remembered the days of setting off to Dewhurst Park early in the morning. Just him, his mum, his dad and maybe a friend. But now he loved it more than ever. It was his home. He’d lived in the cafe the past seven months.
He was at the park all those months ago when it started. Finn and his friend Dylan had come out of the park cinema one afternoon and found nothing but chaos. People dropping dead all over the place. Finn couldn’t find his parents anywhere. He and Dylan were terrified, as not only were people collapsing but they were... getting back up again. The dead, ambling around, attacking the panicking survivors. The people had split up, the mad rush of fearful humans trying to find somewhere safe. Finn and Dylan got separated. It was the last time Finn ever saw him.
Finn was used to the silence. It was better than the screaming and the shouting. He hadn’t really moved away from the cafe in all the seven months. He went out occasionally, but there was no real need to. There was a rope hanging down from the side of the roof for him to get back in when he did go out. The Creepers were too stupid and clumsy to climb it. The doors and windows had been blocked up by adults when the attack started. Finn himself was only 12 years old. He didn’t know any adults that were alive for sure.
Finn walked quietly across the roof. It was early, and he was tired. He hadn’t slept all that night. He couldn’t. Just the thought of all the Creepers lurking outside was enough. Most nights he lied on the roof, just watching the sky. Other nights he would write poetry or stories by the light of his battery torch or wind-up lantern. He treasured his home in the cafe. It was all he had, really.

Hello there, YellowAeroplane! I think you're off to a good start here.

The first thing I notice is that you have a lot of really short sentences, which makes for a very choppy read. Short sentences are really good when you're trying to make a point, but you don't want too many of them. The second thing I notice is that you use a lot of "be" verbs: is, are, was, and were. See if you can fit in some more vivid verbs. I saw very few, if any, grammatical errors, so congratulations for that!!

7 months into a zombie invasion, Finn is alone. He and a small group of other children are scattered across an English theme park. They have to do their best to keep themselves safe from the murderous dead ambling around. In the end, Finn along with friends Will, Deano, Colin and Jay have to decide which is better; living in this sad, cruel world or succumbing to the Creepers...

Is this part of the story, or are you giving us some background? If it's the latter, you might consider putting it in italics.

Finn paused at the top of the ladder. He looked up at the sky.

I would suggest combining these two sentences. You can do this several ways. Using a Conjunction: "Finn paused at the top of the ladder and looked up at the sky." Using a participial phrase: "Finn paused at the top of the ladder, looking up at the sky." Using a semicolon: "Finn paused at the top of the ladder; he looked up at the sky." I would suggest one of the first two right here. You can combine a lot of your other sentence that make sense together much in the same way.

It was a pale blue, and the darker shapes of clouds crawled across the sky like slugs.

You have a wonderful simile here, but the sentence gets a little wordy. I think it takes away a bit from your comparison. I would cut out a few words. Perhaps, "It was pale blue, and the dark clouds crawled across the sky like slugs."

Finn climbed up the ladder, through the broken skylight.

You don't need a comma here. Also, because he's already climbed the ladder, I would say that he climbed onto the roof.

There were a couple of cardboard boxes, filled with rubbish.

I would move this sentence right after "There wasn't much on the roof." It makes it flow better.

The Creepers were out there. They always were. They never went away.

These three sentences are a little redundant. I would cut out one of them, possible the third one.

he outside walls were filthy were the Creepers had scrabbled

"where"

Finn stood up slowly. He scanned the theme park, the rides broken and useless, the shops abandoned and the whole place a mess.

This idea seems really abrupt. You never mentioned the them park, and yet you make it seem like you already have. You need to introduce us to it, if that makes sense. "Slowly rising, Finn gazed at the distant theme park with its rides broken and useless, its shops..." It could just be me.

The rollercoaster tracks looked like the skeletons of dinosaurs in the pale light.

I love this simile! Great job.

Finn loved this place; he always had, since he was a little kid.

He loved what place? The amusement park, the cafe, or the city? Something about the flow of the second part sort of bothers me. Maybe take out "always" and the comma. I'm not sure. Or take out "since he was a little kid."

It was his home. He’d lived in the cafe the past seven months.

I would combine these into something like, "The cafe had been his home for the passed seven months."

He and Dylan were terrified, as not only were people collapsing but they were... getting back up again.

I would change the "as" to "for," and add a comma before "but they were."

The dead, ambling around, attacking the panicking survivors.

You've already used "ambling" once in this piece, and I'm not sure it's the right word. "Amble" means to walk in a leisurely way." I think zombies would be roaming or rampaging, depending on your version of zombies. Secondly, you don't have a verb that fits in the tense of the rest of your story, so change "attacking" to "attacked."

He hadn’t slept all that night. He couldn’t.

I like the short sentence structure here.

Most nights he lied on the roof

The past tense of "lie" (as in someone lying down) is "lay." I know it sounds weird.

You've got some work to do on this, but you have a really nice start. Let me know when you post more. I hope I helped, but if you have any questions or want me to look at something else, feel free to PM me.
-Sea-

Hey YellowAeroplane, here for a review!

First off, I'd like to point your direction to the little option underneath the text box when you post a story; you'll see something labeled "Formatting," and the option "Story" beneath that. If you select that format, your story will automatically be spaced out, and it'll make it much nicer and easier for reviewers to read.

Now, Searria really got most of the nitpicks, so there's not a whole lot left for me to say. I think you've got a good storyline here; however, it feels like you're really doing a lot of telling instead of showing. You're just feeding us the information and lining out the events that have occurred. You want to also show what's happening, and this is something you can do through your characters. Describe how Finn is feeling right now; what's he thinking? What's he sensing? Is he remembering something that made him feel happy/sad/fearful/etc.? Give us a little image of Finn and some insight into who he is and how he's going to be as a person and a character. This is an excellent link that explains the difference between showing vs. telling, and gives some tips on how to fix it. It's a common struggle for writers (including myself!), but with a lot of application you'll start to get the hang of it.

Another thing I'd like to mention is your start. Giving info as a background fill-in usually isn't the best way to start off a story, especially one in an action genre. Start off with some action or adventure; reel the reader in with some heart-pounding, adrenaline-pumping scenes, and then calm it down and give a little info through the characters' dialogue and whatnot. It's a difficult thing, writing a hook for a novel; the main suggestion I've found that works for writing a successful one is to study your favorite novels and dissect their style. What did the author do to draw you into the story in the first place and keep you reading? Was it the action? Dialogue? Characters? Analyzing your favorite books (a wide variety would be best) can give you some good pointers as to how they successfully wrote their beginnings.

Well, that's it I've got to say. Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions, and please let me know when you post more! Cheers. (:

Hooray for zombie invasions! I loved it! I can't wait to read what happens next! *watches computer intently for another chapter*