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Hydra Mountain Chapter One I unintentionally K.O my bully



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50 Reviews



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Points: 9000
Reviews: 50
Mon Apr 18, 2011 1:00 am
KingLucifer says...



Catharine- hi my name’s Catharine, just so you should know I am five foot five, black hair, hazel eyes, I’m wearing a white school shirt, a white jacket. Baby phat jeans in the morning sketchers sorry for the scary voice over but that’s how she wanted it who’s she? Well that’s for me to know and for you to find out now let me begin my tale
Now I never wanted to get tied up in a mess worth of the things I never wanted in but there I was at Phoenix high school a Friday afternoon in my last class of the day I was anxious to get out of school im your everyday teen with the pressures of school and family parents make you want to do homework when you just want to hang with your friends it’s hell I tell you but I was tangled up in magical stuff that even makes the wanna run.
You’re probably wondering how it all started right? It’s better to go to my past first I’ll wait . . . Sorry that’s the thing I can only remember so much about my past but I best start at the beginning. Last thing to remember is that I was at school my friends we were in my last class together I was bored out of my mind I looked around the classroom to see my friends messing around. Lydia and Kelly are my two best friends. I’ve known them for years. We go way back sure was blabbering on about mathematics. When the bell ring. It was 3:30 time to go home. We rushed out the front door and into the front yard. I turn around and looked at Phoenix high school. Phoenix high school is three stories tall it’s made to hold the nearly 1500 teens at a insane number. I know, I waited for my friends to come out knowing them there at their lockers I waited at the gate of the school in a crowd of teens until Alexa appeared.
Alexa is a mean girl that picked on me a lot. I was getting tired of it "hey freak where’s your friends? She said Alexa tall 6 foot zero blonde hair, glasses, blue eyes she was buff she was wearing a white blouse and black half jacket with bluish jeans. She was a sophomore. I was a freshman says it was an age difference and I had to be careful "go away Alexa my friends on their way right now" I said "oh really! Then I guess you won’t mind being messed up than" I didn’t know what’s with Alexa at the very beginning of the year she hated me and I didn’t know why. She had two of the meanest girls in the school behind her. I dropped my book bag on the side knowing what was coming . I needed my hands free "well, come on then!" She looked ready to fight. I decided to ignore her and just pick up my stuff and walk away as I did. She tried to hit me in the back of my head. I caught her punch. My hand went to her wrist and gripped it my other hand guided her other hand down her arm and then pull it behind her back to that her hand towards her neck "just try to hit me I dare you" she tried to punch me . But I move her arm up words and a shock went through her body her arm went back down the second I moved it meanie #1 tried to charge at me but I threw Alexa into her than the other tried to jab at me. But I elbowed her in her stomach and upper cut her leaving her on the floor. Lydia and Kelly came out running, yelling my name . "what? What’s going on?" I said we saw the fight!" Lydia said "we thought you didn’t know how to fight Cathy how you do that? I finally realized that I just took out three girls without even thinking about it. I looked at my hand made a fist I was about to reply but didn’t take security long to come out and find out what just happen they yelled for me to get on one knee and put my hands on my head and before I knew it I was in the principles office .
An angel, a knight, a man who will bring light to where there is only darkness, I am the Morning Star, the Bringer of Light, hail to me as I am King Lucifer!

Formerly: Avalon
  





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Wed Apr 20, 2011 1:04 am
Torigirl15 says...



This has a lot of potential, but you really need to clean it up. I'm not even going to list all the grammatical errors, it would just take too long. However, I can point out a few things you seem to have trouble with.

1. Run on sentences- Know when to put in periods so that you don't end up confusing your reader.
2. Commas/Other Punctuation- This sort of ties in with the run on sentences, but make sure to insert commas and other types of punctuation when they are necessary so that your reader doesn't get confused.
3. Quotes- Don't put them randomly in the middle of a paragraph. When someone talks, you should almost always start a new paragraph.
4. Typos- Read over your writing before you post it!
5. Info Dumping- Don't overwhelm your readers by dumping a ton of information on them in one paragraph-hence the name 'info dumping'. Try to show us, not tell us, what's going on in the story.
6. Tense Changes- You switch from past to present tense often. Read over your story to make sure this doesn't happen.

I don't know what else to tell you other than to have you ask other people to really spend a lot of time going over things with you about what needs to be changed. You have content issues that can be confusing, and you switch back and forth on topics in a few places. Fix this up and try reposting it to get better responses.

-Tori =D
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

-The Temper Trap: Soldier On
  








We think in generalities, but we live in details.
— Alfred North Whitehead