Young Writers Society

She sat on the faded and worn floral print couch, denying her self precious hours of sleep in order to indulge in a forbidden activity. She was watching television at nearly three am. She wasn’t like the average teenager, she only watched TV at this strange hour because her mother had decided to isolate her daughter from everything to do with the outside world. Though once the average elementary schooler, she was now an isolate; kept in her home except for school; and now even school was beginning to be cut off from her mother’s constant callings in to the secondary school office telling the secretary that “Beatrice Grey” was sick again.

“Beatrice” didn’t like her name. She absolutely was disgusted by it. She liked the name she chose for herself once after sneaking away from home during the night. She had gone to a 24/7 internet café. “Beatrice” had looked through many names while ignoring the stares directed at her. She had already known they were mocking her clothes. All she ever had to wear looked like 19th century dresses with their full-length sleeves and skirts that brushed the floor nowadays. Her normal clothes had been slowly taken away since the incident. On the computer, she had looked through many different girls’ names and had taken a liking to the name “Shana.” Smiling as she left, she felt that it was her name. Although at home she answered to “Beatrice,” she felt her true name was now “Shana.”

At least once a week she went back to that internet café. No one noticed her anymore. She had simply faded into the background. She liked it that way. Shana went there now to engage in what would be considered blasphemy to her mother. She didn’t know why. She signed into the computer and found a chat room with only one person in it. She thought that the person must be lonely so she entered the chat room under the name Brown Rabbit. She was surprised when the other person initiated a conversation with laughter. Their name was White Rabbit and the two spoke for several hours. Shana learned White Rabbit was a boy only 19, a year older than she was, and all about his video game addiction. They talked like this for more than a month before White Rabbit asked if she knew of a man who went under the guise of “Black Rabbit.”

When Shana replied “no” White Rabbit told her everything.

“He’s a cruel man who will do anything to lure in young girls. No one’s sure what he does with them but those girls are never seen or heard from again. He’s supposedly responsible for several murders, robberies and break-ins all across the country. No one’s really sure what he looks like but I wouldn’t go with anyone I didn’t know if I were you.”

White Rabbit’s so nice. It’s a good thing I met him or I wouldn’t know what to look out for. Shana was happy to have a friend who looked out for her. “Thanks,” she replied. “It’s good to know someone looks out for me.”

“I know this seems extremely hypocritical but would you like to meet up in real life?” White Rabbit asked.

Shana was stunned for a moment and then flustered. She’d have to secretly buy something more up to date if she agreed. It would be difficult to hide this from her mother but she didn’t care anymore, she would do it anyway. “Sure,” she typed, “how about tomorrow at 8pm at the café on East 23rd?”

White Rabbit replied quickly, “That’s awesome! See you then.”

Hi blood. I am actually very intrigued by this and I do know what wants to happen next. So I say keep working with this idea!

My biggest problem with this is the info dumps. If this girl is never going to be mentioned again you shouldn't explain how her mother was mean and how she got her name. It is too much, because I started to care about her. If you take her out of the story I wont enjoy it as much. I will end up wondering where she went. That isn't good. In fact I think you could start with her talking in the chat room.

I also think making it more sinister might add to the effect. You don't have to go overboard. Don't make it in on a cold foggy night, but ending with something that makes me want to read more (even more) would be great. The ending of them talking just seems kind of lame. When you could have Black rabbit come into the chat room or something. I don't know.

Besides that I really like this. If you have any questions P.M me.

I hope I helped,

A. S.

Hey there!

So, I'm not going to take a ton of time here, just focus on a couple little things that popped out to me.

First off, the hole Brown Rabbit, White Rabbit - why did she pick her name? Was it because she saw White Rabbit, or for some other reason, because right now that's really way too coincidental, especially since she went into his chat room because only one person was there. And all the "Rabbits" in general is just a little too weird. If you gave them a reason for being like that, however, then it's be a lot more believable.

Also, I understand that your MC is really sheltered and doesn't get much, but she must be really dimwitted if right after being told of another "Rabbit" who will do anything to lure young girls in the White Rabbit person who told her that asked her to meet him and she agrees. I mean, this is another instance of how the name thing is a disadvantage - you're already sending a blaring message that she apparently can't see. Adding in the names just takes away any doubt we have.

Which would be a good thing, if it weren't so dang obvious. Because it makes the girl out to have no sense, so we don't really care about her, since it's her fault. Make the White Rabbit more stealthy about it, make the girl more doubting, make it more real. I mean, if you were in her position would you just accept his invitation and pick a spot to meet, out of the blue? Maybe she's really starved for attention, but that's pretty extreme, if she's really so naive after just talking to him once.

She did just talk to him once, right? Because that's what I got from it. If not, make it more clear (and I'd make it not, because it gives White Rabbit more time to suck her in, makes her seem less gullible, because if she feels she already knows the person then she'll be more likely to accept).

Am I making any sense? I'm not sure. I'm pretty tired. If you have any questions, or anything, just say so, m'kay?

This is pretty well written - most of your stuff is. Just deal with the things I pointed out, 'kay?

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Okay, Only one thing I can say.... AMAZING! I'm itching to know what's next! When do you think you'll post again?!

Good to know that people like it ^_^

Maybe I should have put Chapter 2 with Chapter 1 though, since the ending of this is anti-climactic. It's meant to be, since the beginning of the next chapter is the end for poor Beatrice.

Sorry to say, Black Rabbit doesn't actually show up for a long while. A really long while. He's only mentioned until...I think 2/3 through the plot.

I did lie a bit though, Beatrice does show up again, but it's more of a side story much further into the plot. Not in this novel anyway.

But Violet's got a point. The whole "Rabbit" bit is way too weird to be a coincidence. It's not. Everyone who has the name "Rabbit" is important to the plot. There's a reason why even an apparently useless character like Beatrice has that name. I don't like the idea of throw-away characters, everyone's there for a reason. There's a reason ^_^

Anyway, I'll look into everyone's suggestions. Thanks!

First off, I have to say I really like this. While some points are confusing and, yes, there are a few mild info dumps, I quite like the whole idea. I'd love it if you slowed things down, stretched out this chapter, like.

Perhaps you could say that she called herself 'Black Rabbit' because she liked the book "Black Rabbit Summer." It was the first book she snitched from the library and it was so horrid she loved it. Or perhaps she has always wanted a black bunny, or perhaps she has an obsession with rabbits because her family never celebrated Easter, or perhaps some boys found and killed a black rabbit and she saw it all, ran off crying--and she is beginning to see herself as that black rabbit, dead and a plaything for others.

Maybe that last one could set up something more to the plot?

Anyway, I really liked the minute details--I can see her, I can see her house (some old, trailer-like place), and I can even see the coffee shop, without you having to describe much. I also like how the plot is going. I find it funny some people think she's 'too stupid', but I was pretty idiotic before I was introduced to the big bad world, too (maybe make her a bit smarter later on, though?). Anyway, I'm off to the next chappie. *waves*