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Young Writers Society


Black Rabbit I



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Tue May 03, 2011 1:55 am
ElementalBlood says...



Spoiler! :
So here the story of Aria begins. She's a weird one, I gotta say. By chapter 5, her character really comes together, so don't worry that she seems faded. Still, I feel bad for Beatrice. Oh, is the Rabbit thing solved now? ;P




I


“Beatrice Grey found dead under Parkway 2 last night.”

That was today’s headline. Aria stared at the paper, splayed out on the counter of a newsstand.

People blurred by her, oblivious of her presence as they rushed to work. Car horns blared; taxis dodged through traffic, glass office buildings rose above the horizon and blocked the rising sun.

No one cared about a dead girl right now.

Apparently, they didn’t even pay heed to the living.

Some idiot streaking down the street with a backpack smashed into her. Aria bounced once on the ground and glared before she caught a look at his face. Her glare faded, replaced by a tiny smile.

She could go along with this sort of situation.

“Ah, geez! I’m sorry.” The young man held out his hand to help her up. Aria grasped it and used his weight to do most of the work. Back on her feet, she brushed the dirt from her jeans, aware of the flat pain of her butt. She brushed a few long strands of her orange-red hair back from her face and out of her slate-gray eyes.

The quick movements were calculated to draw his attention to her favoured features while she could secretly gawk at his own.

His eyes caught her attention first off. One was a faded, algae-green while the other was almost yellow. Equally striking was his shock of near-white hair. His face had set into hard lines but only a single wrinkle creased his forehead between his eyes, granting him a thoughtful look. Aria placed his age somewhere in the late twenties.

She caught herself staring to long and blinked. His clothes, black dress pants and a crisp white sleeved shirt, were immaculate. He wore his red tie loosely, the image of a young corporate type.

“Nah, it’s okay,” she assured him. She hoped he would tell her his name, or his number. He held himself with confidence. An air about him spoke of leadership and unusual kindness. That kind of person was rare.

Then she noticed the newspaper she’d been looking at had fallen with her and landed partially in a puddle. She silently groaned and fished around in her pockets for a buck, looking down as she did.

By the time she raised her head again, the man had disappeared. Another silent groan. That ruined her day. She tossed the loonie at the old man with a shaggy and unwashed beard who manned the counter and grabbed the newspaper off the ground.

At a second look, only the corner was soaked and everything was still legible. Not that she could give it back.
She walked along the street, people in business suits streaming around her. She had her nose buried in the paper.
“Another Black Rabbit murder, eh?” she mumbled to herself as she walked.

The sun rose higher in the sky, illuminating the street and casting long shadows. She shivered only once as a breeze swept by, carrying the smell of a polluted lake with it and going straight through her gray t-shirt. Fall was evident, marking it a year since the first Black Rabbit case.

“Beatrice Grey was discovered by a search party 34 hours after the first report of her disappearance. The official statement from the police is that she was raped and strangled to death.” Aria’s eyes went wide and she shivered again, not from the cold this time.

The crowds were beginning to disperse, she noted dully as she glanced up, stopping at an intersection. Soon, the streets would fill again, only with tourists and still more traffic. She waited for the light to turn green before walking on.

Though the sky above was blue as blue could be, dark clouds approached from the west, carried by the wind. There would be a storm by nightfall. Anyone else who noticed them scowled, but Aria smiled. She loved thunderstorms.

Her thoughts turned to the paper in her hands. That a girl, not much younger than her, had been a victim of the Black Rabbit was frightening. Even more so, the dump site of the body was only half a kilometre away.

She scanned the article again. The end was the same as usual. For anyone with information on the Black Rabbit’s whereabouts to come forward.

Like anyone would do that.

She recalled her reaction to the first killing a year ago. Another young woman by the name of Sara Witford. That killing granted her murderer his name: Black Rabbit. Across her chest had been Japanese characters, transliterated to the pronunciation of “Kuro Usagi.” In other words: Black Rabbit.

He was famous, infamous really. Nearly 70 cases had been chalked up to his doing. Each one had the characters for Black Rabbit scrawled across their bodies. It inspired a cult-like fandom. More so than Jack the Ripper.

They were all “Rabbits.”

Aria turned at another corner and went inside an internet café. No one noticed her. She pulled up to a computer and signed into a chat room, one she had created a month ago. Dedicated to the Rabbits.

The response was immediate.

“Morning, Grey Rabbit.”
Who's ever name is written in this note shall die.
My allegiance is to L, the world's greatest detective.
But my twisted mind enjoys Kira's exploits.
  





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Tue May 03, 2011 2:10 am
sarahjane97 says...



Whoa. That was really, really, good!!! I was getting some serious chills up my spine... I also liked how you introduced "Beatrice" (Shana) in the prologue and brought the reader into her life. That way when she was murdered, it wasn't just a killing...it was something personal. I also liked the cliff hanger at the end of this chapter. Don't give up writing this book, because I want to hear what happens next!!! (:
  





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Tue May 03, 2011 2:15 am
HIGHWHITESOCKS says...



Ooooh, chills from reading this! I really really like this beginning! It sets a very somber, yet mysterious tone for the story. I especially like Aria's interaction with the young guy. It was lifelike, and I sympathized with her (I saw a cute girl in my church one day, although she wasn't a regular, so probably won't come across her again :/). Anyway, down to specifics...

No one cared about a dead girl right now.

Apparently, they didn’t even pay heed to the living.

Excellent use of language here. It fits perfectly with how you've been describing the environment, with all it's hustle and bustle.

Also, the image came to mind (which is good, because the description is vivid enough) of a movie of this scene, all in black and white. I think it's a very cool effect to visualize this story in greyscale, and if you go back over it, it might help a bit too. The atmosphere has a sort of black-white feel to it. I can't explain it very well, but it's one of those kinds of things.

I love the moniker of "Black Rabbit." It's creative, not something I've heard before (Jack the Ripper, The Unibomber, The Black Dahlia, The "Have you Seen Me?" Killer, etc.). It takes something normally thought of as harmless and cute, and exploits it's darker qualities. That's always a good literary juxtaposition, and I look forward to learning more about this killer (70 cases?! Gee wiz, better call in the FBI!).

I'm struggling to find something to nitpick about, but I'm really at a loss. I like everything that was done here, and I think all it might really be able to use is just a little more physical action. I feel like there was a little bit of tell-iness, and not quite as much show-iness as I would have liked. I struggle with the concept, so I'm not the best to be giving advice about it, but hear me out. Whenever possible, use a character's physical action or appearance to describe the emotion/thought/event.

Well, that's al she wrote! All I can say for this chapter is it starts well and ends even better! I can't wait to dig into the next part. And hey, if you ever need a review on something, I'm only a PM away! :D
- SOCKS
Would you kindly?
  





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Tue May 03, 2011 2:53 am
MadameLuxestrange says...



Oooh! This was really good. Every word seemed so well placed and your grammar was impeccable. What stood out most to me was your storyline though. So unique and original. The only thing that I would really like to see more of is the emotions that your MC has running through her head. It's always interesting to see that and it adds more to the story with the strong character development. Good characters can make a great story. If you've got anymore questions for me, PM with them and I'll get back to you as soon as I can! Or if you need anything reviewed. I loved this and want to read more of your work!

Cheers,
Luxe :D
...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it?
Fear makes the wolf seem bigger.
I got attacked by a swan.
  





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Wed May 04, 2011 1:40 am
ElementalBlood says...



Glad everyone likes it! ^_^

I've always wanted to have a serial killer as one of my main characters. I grew up surrounded by Stephen King and Dean Koontz and as I got older I began looking at real life serial killers like Jack the Ripper. All the ones that got up, close and personal with their victims were the ones I liked the most.

I didn't have a cool name for him for a long while. I sat around, wondering what sort of name would be memorable and yet carry the sort of weight I needed it to. It came to me as I sat around my friend's house, petting her rabbits. One with floppy ears was a nice, black colour. And that's when it hit me. Black Rabbit.

Of course, the influence of Nancy Drew and the numerous "boy-meets-girl" novels my mom liked to buy for me have had their way with this story. Though the boy-meets-girl concept here isn't very good for my MC. I was never one for romance novels, but the idea of Aria sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong as she tries to solve this case? I ended up liking it.

Life got in the way, though, and this idea was hung out to dry. Though, because everyone seems to like it, I'll pick it up again. The ending isn't anything you'll expect though ^_^

I will have to fix that "tell-iness" though. Thanks for mentioning it. Can't call in the FBI, we don't exactly have that here. We have Mounties, but that just doesn't sound as cool... ^_^
Who's ever name is written in this note shall die.
My allegiance is to L, the world's greatest detective.
But my twisted mind enjoys Kira's exploits.
  





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Sat May 07, 2011 12:59 am
Cspr says...



Wow! So I'm still liking it. Not as surprising as the last chapter (or would it be 'action-filled'?), but I'm liking where it's going. I hope you'll have a new chapter up soon. Also, this explains the whole rabbit thing. Shana chose a color for her 'rabbit' I suppose and that was that; or something to that effect.

Oh, and again--love the minute details. That small wrinkle on the guy's forehead, etc. I also like how you insert the feel of city life so well.

Otherwise, three nitpicks:

"The crowds were beginning to disperse, she noted dully as she glanced up, stopping at an intersection. Soon, the streets would fill again, only with tourists and still more traffic. She waited for the light to turn green before walking on."

This sounds like she's being a dare-devil. My mind went right to: OMG, she's crossing the street in front of cars! Then I realized that was stupid and thought about it. (Unless she's meant to be crossing in front of cars, then there needs to be some info on that.)

I suggest the end line to be more so, "She waited for the white hand to turn into the famous green walking man before crossing the road."

Of course, put your own spin on that, or don't change it for us slow people, but yeah.

Also, numbers under 100 tend to be spelled out. Hence 34 hours and 70 cases should be thirty-four hours and seventy cases.

Lastly, dialogue tends to stand on its own, set apart in its own paragraph. It doesn't always, I believe, but it tends to quite often.

Hope this helps and if you need anybody to use as a sounding board for future chapters/other written works, I'm pretty good at that.

Anyway, good luck with future ventures. :)

-Casper
My SPD senses are tingling.
  








He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.
— Friedrich Nietzsche