Young Writers Society

Thirteen year old Cynthia Hoyle watched in despair as her raging step dad was brutally abusing her mother.
What could she do? She wasn't strong, she couldn't hurt him. She just watched in horror waiting for the shrilly cries of her birth mother to stop.

Punch after punch he threw, and scream after deadly scream her mother cried.
"She didn't mean to stain the carpet!" Cynthia cried out.
Her step dad, John, stopped and turned towards her with a piercing fire in his eyes.
"YOU!...YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!" He said slapping her hard across the face.
The pain shot through her.
A blazing anger built within her as a blueish purple bruise formed on her face.
"NO ONE TOUCHES MY MOM!" she screamed running towards him. She hiked her elbow up and thrust it hardly and deeply on top of his Adam's apple and using her other fist to punch him in the stomach.
Her mother cried for her to stop and begging John not to hurt her.
John started coughing up blood and then screamed and turned towards Cynthia.
He punched her in the jaw and knocked out her back tooth. blood spewed out of Cynthia's mouth.
She looked up and saw her brother at the door, watching with a murderous look on his face.
A tear rolled down her cheek as she looked down embarrassed.
John turned around and saw Matt.
"What are you looking at Boy? Didn't your stupid momma over here teach you any manors? It's impolite to stare." John shot through his crooked, black teeth. this had been happening for years and Matt was through with it.
A fuse of rage shot within him as he set down his school bag and ran towards John.
"NO ONE HITS MY SISTER!" He screamed as he started throwing numerous punches and kicks.
John punched him in the stomach...hard... and got on top of him and started bashing his face in.
Matt grabbed the nearest thing and started gashing it into John's back. When the hot blood oozed from John onto Matt... Everyone knew he was dead...
Cynthia ran up to Matt and hugged him tightly.
They both cried tears of hatred and fear in each others arms.
They looked over to their mother. She wasn't moving...or breathing...
She was dead.
Over a coffee stain in the carpet.
Cynthia walked towards the stain.
she would never drink a cup of coffee in her life ever again. Full of anger she punched the wall as the ambulance pulled up a little too late.

Hey there, MissBieber. I like Biber too. Lol. Anyways, I hate this story. Yus, yus... I do! It's sad, and if I was Cynthia I would be desperate. D8 Now, when I say hate it I'm not talking about you're writing, actually it's pretty good and you did a great job there, what I mean by that is... this situation is something that happens everyday all around the world and it sucks. (One of the reasons why I don't watch the news anymore. =.=) Lol.

Also, you don't have to make a one-sentence-paragraph, I noticed you did that a lot and it makes the reader get distracted. And remember every sentence starts with a capital letter. Other than that, you did a good job.

Nitpicks:

nicolerosebieber wrote:She just watched in horror, waiting for the shrilly cries of her birth mother to stop.

There should be a comma after "horror".

nicolerosebieber wrote:Punch after punch he threw, and scream after deadly scream her mother cried.

Hmm... this sentence is a bit confusing, you should check it out and rewrite it. Also, try not to repeat the same word in a same sentence.

nicolerosebieber wrote:"YOU!...YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!" He said, slapping her hard across the face.

You don't have to write everything in caps to let us know the man is screaming, using an exclamation mark is just fine. And there should be a comma after "said".

nicolerosebieber wrote:"NO ONE TOUCHES MY MOM!" she screamed, running towards him.

Again, using caps make it seem like this is a chatroom. xD And there should be a comma after "screamed".

nicolerosebieber wrote: blood spewed out of Cynthia's mouth.

"Blood" should start with a capital letter.

nicolerosebieber wrote:"What are you looking at, Boy?

There should be a comma before "Boy".

nicolerosebieber wrote: Didn't your stupid momma over here teach you any manors? It's impolite to stare."

What a... ugh! >:3

nicolerosebieber wrote:John punched him in the stomach...hard... and got on top of him and started bashing his face in.

That "hard" seems out of place and all the periods make it seem a little weird. It would be better like this: "John punched him hardly in the stomach and got on top of him and started bashing his face in."

nicolerosebieber wrote: Full of anger, she punched the wall as the ambulance pulled up a little too late.

There should be a comma after "anger".

Keep writing!
~Solvy<3

I'll try not to repeat anything Solvy already said :]

She just watched in horror waiting for the shrilly cries of her birth mother to stop.

If John is Cynthia's stepfather won't most people automatically assume that her mother is indeed Cynthia's real mother? Saying she's her birth mother seems a bit weird here.

Punch after punch he threw, and scream after deadly scream her mother cried.

Maybe try rewriting this sentence?

as a blueish purple bruise formed on her face.

You don't immediately bruise after having been slapped, your face turns red first and over the next few hours (if you were hit hard enough) you gradually start to show bruising.

She hiked her elbow up and thrust it hardly and deeply on top of his Adam's apple and using her other fist to punch him in the stomach.

For someone defenseless, sure knows where to throw a punch to be at the most effective. Most people wouldn't know the Adam's apple is sensitive. Where did she learn this?

John started coughing up blood

Why does John start coughing up blood? That usually doesn't happen from being hit once or twice. Does he have a condition? Did he bite his tongue when Cynthia hit him?

she looked down embarrassed.

Why is Cynthia embarrassed? She's defending her mother and herself!

manors

This should be "manners". A manor is a large house/villa/mansion.

NO ONE HITS MY SISTER!

This seems a bit repetitive from "No one touches my mom!"

Everyone knew he was dead

Maybe change this to "They both knew he was dead"?

Hope this helps :]

~ Vari

Ok first of I love/hate this story! I love it because the imagery and idea is amazing, I hate it because John is a ******* that deserved to die, so good call on that one! Also: WHY'D THE MOMMA HAVE TO DIE?! Hehe, I know, I sound like a little kid who watched Nemo for the first time, oh well, I did notice one thing though:

"What are you looking at Boy? Didn't your stupid momma over here teach you any manors?

That should be manners the way you spelt it would be the plural of manor, which is a really big house

Anyway, good job in the story now if you'll excuse me *zips off to the second chapter*

~~Destiny110