Young Writers Society

They were sent to the hospital were they would be cleaned up and fed. no real harm was done to them besides Matt’s black eye, Cynthia’s Tooth missing,the bruise left behind on her cheek, and a couple of scars here and there.
They never spoke a word that night, not even when they passed the stain to get their belongings and a tear rolled down Cynthia’s cheek.
Her throat burned from the bottom to the top. It felt as if someone had shoved a flaming sword of death down it, through her heart and out her stomach.
tomorrow they would be sent to an orphanage.
Cynthia knew how hard it was to get teenagers adopted…she couldn’t imagine how hard it would be to ever possibly get her and her brother the same foster home.
They spent the night at the hospital and woke up at 8:00 the next morning and headed to the orphanage.
“I love you Cynthia. you know that right?” Matt asked in the car.
Cynthia shook her head yes.
“If i could have gotten there sooner I..I would have. I would have stopped him from killing mom. I would have died in her place. I..I’m sorry. This is all my fault Cynthia.” Matt said in a shaken voice and layed his face in his hands.
Cynthia layed her hand on him shoulder.
“It’s not you fault.” she whispered. “It’s mine…I…I’m the one who spilled the coffee….She took the blame.” Cynthia said as tears rolled down her face. “I didn’t mean to… I…” She started to say. Then, Matt hugged her tightly and they cried until they arrived at the orphanage.

Hey again! Short but sweet, I like it! though I did notice a few mistakes:

Cynthia shook her head yes.

That would be nodded. Generally when a person shakes their head it means "No" so they would just write "Cynthia shook her head" When a person wants to mean "yes" they just say "Cynthia nodded" Just a little tip!

Cynthia layed her hand on him shoulder.

Think that should be his.

Also I'm not sure of this line:

Cynthia’s Tooth missing,the bruise left behind on her cheek

First off, "tooth" shouldn't be capitalized and there should be a space after the comma.
When you say "Cynthia's tooth missing" do you mean that as one of the 'injuries' or do you mean to say "Cynthia's tooth was missing." Also "the bruise left behind on her cheek" when you say "behind" do you mean the place of the bruise or as in "She had a bruise left behind from the fight" these things could change the meaning fo the sentence completely, you have to be careful!

Anyway, great job once again! Keep writing!

~~Destiny110

P.S.

flaming sword of death

FLAMING SWORDS OF DEATH FTW!!! >:3

nicolerosebieber wrote:They were sent to the hospital where they [color=#8000]were[/color]You have to remember to keep the same tense, example present tense would be something like "He is drawing." Past tense is like, "He was drawing." cleaned up and fed. No real harm was done to them besides Matt’s black eye, Cynthia’s tooth missing, the bruise left behind on her cheek, and a couple of scars here and there.
They never spoke a word that night, not even when they passed the stain What's "the stain"? to get their belongings and a tear rolled down Cynthia’s cheek.
Her throat burned from the bottom to the top. It felt as if someone had shoved a flaming sword of death down it, through her heart and out her stomach.
tomorrow they would be sent to an orphanage.
Cynthia knew how hard it was to get teenagers adopted…she couldn’t imagine how hard it would be to ever possibly get her and her brother the same foster home.
They spent the night at the hospital and woke up at 8:00 the next morning and headed to the orphanage.
“I love you Cynthia.You know that right?” Matt asked in the car. Remember to captialize the first letter of every first word of the sentence.
Cynthia shook her head yes.
“If I could have gotten there sooner I..I would have. I would have stopped him from killing mom. I would have died in her place. I..I’m sorry. This is all my fault Cynthia.” Matt said in a shaken voice and layed his face in his hands.
Cynthia layed her hand on him shoulder.
“It’s not your fault.” she whispered. “It’s mine…I…I’m the one who spilled the coffee….She took the blame.” Cynthia said as tears rolled down her face. “I didn’t mean to… I…” She started to say. Then, Matt hugged her tightly and they cried until they arrived at the orphanage.

Your story is great, but other than the grammatical errors, the one thing is the flow of the story. It's kind of stiff and choppy at a few points, but I think it's wonderful! Keep writing!

thanks guys