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Young Writers Society


"The Glass Ballerina"



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Points: 1385
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Mon May 16, 2011 7:12 am
JaceClayton says...



This is Chapter Two of Nowhere, entitled "The Glass Ballerina".
Happy reading ;D.

*Flashback*


“The Glass Ballerina”


“If you get the vase, I promise you, I’ll give you the journal.”

The African man was standing against the warm bark of the tree in the heart of the African plain where he lived as he spoke.

A young woman, somewhere around the age of twenty-one, stood before him. She had black spirals for hair, bouncing lightly across her shoulders. Her white sundress brightened her complexion completely, lightening her purple eyes with a vibrancy that spelled caution and mystique. She inadvertedly played with her blue sandals with her toes, seeming somewhat anxious.

“I want, need that journal, Shevar.”

“I know this, Ms. Ryann. This will happen upon you giving me the vase.”

“What do you need with this vase? What makes it different than any other?" She questioned.

The African man allowed a wide grin glaze his darkened expression. “That, Ms. Ryann, is no concern of yours.”

“Whatever.” She said, giving up on the situation. “So, we meet here after I get the vase.”

He nodded. “Yes. And the journal will be in your possession.”

“Good.”

“I promise.” Shevar assured her.

“Promises, like vases, can very easily be broken when toyed with.”

And with that, Kate Ryann walked back to the African jeep she had rented and slid her body into the driver’s seat. Igniting the engine with the swift turn of the key, she turned her jeep around and sped off in the pursuit of the vase that would unlock the questions concerning her past.



Kate hopped out of the taxi with liquid haste. She smiled as she looked up at the luxurious hotel she knew held the coveted vase.

“Metallican.” she said.

When she walked into the hotel, chilling air splashed along her toned body, making her black curls and white dress ripple along with the wave of the air conditioning. She glanced around the room for her destination, her mission taking flight.

Her eyes located the vase instantly, in the hands of a man standing inside the elevator just as it’s metallic doors closed, shutting her off from its view.

“Damn.”

Kate ran up to the front desk, having already thought of this complication when she was discussing her plan with Shevar. He had given her all the details about the transfer of the vase, which Kate was going to interfere. She looked at the concierge at the front desk and smiled.

“Hi, I’m Maggie Callis. I’m here for the Glass Ballerina.”

“Callis? I thought Mr. Bateman was sending Ms. Campbell to retrieve the Glass Ballerina?”

Kate pondered for a moment. Shevar hadn’t given her information on the other person that was suppose to retrieve the vase. Thinking on her feet, she quickly gave the concierge another smile.

“That’s me. He still insists on acknowledging my marriage. I’m recently separated.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not. Now, where is the vase?”

The concierge, Oliver, looked cautious and guarded, like he was debating over whether or not to provide her with the information she so desperately sought after.

“I just sent a concierge up to the top room. The case is in the parlor.”

Kate smiled warmly at him. “Thank you.”

She knew as she walked away in her flip-flops that Oliver was questioning her attire. She thought, If I was transferring a billion dollar vase, would I honestly be wearing a sun dress and blue flip-flops?

Kate rode the elevator to the top floor, all the while thinking about what this coveted journal was going to say. Ever since the accident, it had plagued her mind, causing insomnia for weeks until she finally took the flight to Africa. This was all going to be over soon, and she’d have the journal.

When the elevator opened back up, she could have sworn she was inside an ancient Victorian home. Mr. Bateman’s personal suite was definitely decorated to look as such. Despite the fact that she was about to steal from him, Kate had to admit that the guy had class. She made her way into the parlor. It glistened as soon as she looked at it, it’s glory roaring loudly against her eardrums.

The vase was painted a deep sapphire hue, with glass shaped into the frame in the form of ballerinas, which were scattered around its entirety.

“There it is.”

She outstretched her hands, her fingertips going over one of the glass ballerinas on the side.

“The Glass Ballerina.” she picked up the vase then, keeping her arms out to survey the vase. She then hugged it close to her body, her chest meeting the vase with a kiss. This was it. This vase was going to get her that journal. The thought brought a smile to her lips.

“What are you doing?”

A voice ripped through the room, causing Kate to turn her head toward a tall thin man clothed in black.

“You’re not Ms. Campbell.”

Kate didn’t know what to say. So, she did the only thing she could do; she ran. She ran the way she had entered the room and sprinted toward the elevator at the end of the hall. She entered the elevator and quickly pressed the button labeled “L”.

“Come on, come on!” she insisted.

The stalk-like man ran toward her just as the doors began to close. Kate smiled as the doors began to meet in the middle. She blew the man a kiss and waved goodbye as the man screamed after her and the elevator closed completely.

When Kate came out of the elevator and stepped foot onto the lobby of Metallican, she knew she had to move with haste. She hugged the vase as close to her body as possible and proceeded to make her way to the front of the hotel.

“What do you mean? I am Ms. Campbell. Carla Campbell. I need that vase.”

Once Kate overheard the sentence spew from the woman’s lips, she knew she had to run faster, before it was too late. She heard Oliver yell “Get her!”, but she stormed out of the hotel, flinging open the golden framed glass doors and ran to the edge of the sidewalk.

“Taxi!”

A yellow cab stopped for her. She plunged inside swiftly.

“Drive!” she told the driver.

And Kate smiled as she looked out the back window of the taxi, as it sped away, to see Oliver yelling after a woman he would never see again.
  





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Points: 1313
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Sun May 29, 2011 9:21 pm
easilyinspired says...



Hi :)
This is amazing, I really like it. You've got a fantastic idea for an entertaining story,I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work. There are a few points in the piece which don't quite flow as they should, but i'll leave them to you to find. It seems to me as if you've got this all plannedwhich is brilliant, but I think you are intent on getting through the story. If you want this to become even better,and it will,you need to add more description and build the characters, tell us how they feel, look, what they can smell, tell us every little detail so that we become immersed in the story, we want to become a part of it. I know that you can do that, so write the story as you are first, so that you know what happens and then put the flesh on it, all those details that make it really good, instead of just good.
Anyway, great job, keep writing and I know that this could be really great.
Easilyinspired xxx
"Oh, children, children, why are you following me?"
"We couldn't sleep," said Lucy - and then she felt sure that she need say no more and that Aslan knew all they had been thinking.

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis.
  





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Thu Jun 16, 2011 12:05 am
L5na2 says...



As you know I love your stories. I miss seeing and reading your stuff.
  





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Fri Jun 17, 2011 11:23 pm
spiderman says...



Spidey Here.
Before I say my overall thoughts, i'm going to nitpick.

The African man was standing against the warm bark of the tree in the heart of the African plain where he lived as he spoke.


Don't use the word African twice. Instead try: "The dark-skinned man was standing against the warm bark of the tree in the heart of the African plain where he lived as he spoke".

A young woman, somewhere around the age of twenty-one, stood before him. She had black spirals for hair, bouncing lightly across her shoulders. Her white sundress brightened her complexion completely, lightening her purple eyes with a vibrancy that spelled caution and mystique. She inadvertedly played with her blue sandals with her toes, seeming somewhat anxious.

I love the description. I said it the first chapter and i'll say it again:" It's like watching a movie." The rest is pretty awesomeness. Your pretty good at writing. I can't wait to see more from this story.
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

WHISPERS IN THE DARK LYRICS - SKILLET
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 1385
Reviews: 4
Mon Jun 20, 2011 3:31 am
JaceClayton says...



Thank you all for your advice and reviews! I appreciate it more than you know. I really need to get better at "setting up a surrounding" as I've been told, because I kind of get caught up in the action of the scene, that my descriptions seem to take a hit from it. I'll definitely work on this for further chapters. Again, thank you so much for your advice. And L5na2, as I'm sure you're aware, I MISS THE HELL OUT OF YOU. Just stated the obvious :D. Thanks again!
You give me fever,
When you kiss me,
Fever when you hold me tight.
Fever, In the morning.
And fever all through the night.

Fever, 'Till you sizzle.
What a lovely way to burn.
What a lovely way to burn.
What a lovely way to burn.
What a lovely way to burn.
  








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