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The Grim-Keeper [3]



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Tue May 17, 2011 3:36 am
StoryWeaver13 says...



Chapter Three

“Marra? Marra, can you hear me?”

Light flooded my irises as soon as I opened my eyes, and it took me a second to realize that I was lying on the floor of the psychiatry room staring up at one of the bug-filled fluorescents on the ceiling. My words probably sounded pretty stupid. “What…the hell?” When I’d first come into that window of remote consciousness, I’d been sure…no, I’d known, undoubtedly known, I’d wake up in bed. I mean, why would I wake up here?

Mr. Shorts grabbed my arm, offering to help me to my feet. I grudgingly accepted, only because of the fact that the bones in my legs seemed to have mutated into Jell-O. Mr. Shorts replied, “You fainted.”

“I think we might have to bring her to the hospital,” Dad said, making me jump, as I just came to the realization that he was by my side. When did he get there? I must’ve really been out of it.

Figures. I was still rubbing my cheek as if that bloody star would actually be there. Weird. Nothing like this had ever happened before; I mean, I’d been having the dream for about a week, but I’d always fallen asleep by my own will, not once having taken a header to the floor.

“Does she have a history of blacking out like this?” Shorts asked.

Dad shook his head. “No, nothing like this has ever happened before. Hey Mars, you feeling alright?”

“Yeah,” I said honestly. “I mean I don‘t think I could run a marathon, but it’s not like I’ve got that 12-minutes-to-live feeling either. I’m just kind of shaky.”

“Either way, not bringing her to see a doctor would be ill-advised, though fainting in teens is relatively common,” Mr. Shorts said. Dad nodded seriously, which was something rare to see outside the courtroom. More for the comfort of me than him, I said, “Dad, don’t worry, I’m fine.”

Completely ignored, Dad turned to Shorts. “I’ll call you about the next session later.”

“Haven’t I suffered enough?” I pleaded, both rolling their eyes in a how-do-we-deal-with-her way.

Dad towed me by the arm as he reached for the door. “Come on, Marra.”

“But I don‘t want--”

“I’ll call you with the doctor’s diagnosis, Rob,” Dad called to Shorts without looking behind us.

“See you Nat. You too, Marra. Stay safe.”

Yeah, that was going to happen.


I was surprised to see that the sky had swollen into a gray bruised clot of clouds since we’d walked inside for my session about…

…how long ago?

“Dad, what time is it?” I asked, looking to the sky as if hoping to calculate the hour by the unseen sun’s trajectory.

“10:02. You weren’t out all that long, or we would’ve called an ambulance.”

“Am I really going to the doctor?”

He looked at me questioningly, as if to ask if I was being serious. “Well, yeah. You might not have noticed, but you passed out in the middle of therapy.”

“Pssh. That.”

“You’re not winning this one, Mars.”

I groaned.

The doctor, like I pretty much expected, found nothing wrong with me, and suggested that I just be careful for a while. Stress was sometimes key in fainting, so passing out during a therapy appointment wasn’t all too weird.

Well, except for the whole psychic-vision thing. But Dad didn’t really have to know about that fact, not yet. I mean, I’d seen a doctor and a psychiatrist in one day, and knowing my dad’s adulation of horror movies I had a feeling that telling him about my so-called “vision” causing a fainting spell would only drive him to hiring an exorcist. That was an appointment I was definitely not ready for.

Actually, I doubted I would ever tell him about my dream. I mean, the only visions I ever had were ones where someone died, and in this one I only saw me. He’d already lost Mom; the least I could do was let him go on for a while without feeling like he’d lost his daughter too.

So he drove home completely clueless. As far as he knew my dreams were still of strangers or acquaintances at most. We’d made a pact that I would keep future fatalities a secret anyway, as they made both of us kind of nauseous. I dozed off to avoid vomiting in my dad’s nice car, which would only dampen the day’s spirits more.

Unfortunately, the same vision came.

Almost.

This time, there was a second voice, and not the killer’s (a bit of information that came purely from the inner-knowing only dreams can supply). It was a guy‘s voice, who only whispered one word:
“Keeper.”
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket
  





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Wed May 18, 2011 4:19 am
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RacheDrache says...



And you are hereby forgiven for the length of the previous chapter. Downside of having to read things in serial-style online, I suspect. So I take back my comments from the last chapter regarding what I thought you should do with the length and all that.... just ignore it... I was wrong and you were right... sigh.

Anyway, this chapter.

Few nitpicky things first:

Completely ignored, Dad turned to Shorts. “I’ll call you about the next session later.”


I don't think you're trying to say that Marra's dad was completely ignored. I think you wanted to say that her dad ignored her, but that's not what that sentence says... "Completely ignoring me,"?

It was a guy‘s voice, who only whispered one word:


The pronoun 'it' can't take 'who' as a relativizer. 'Who' goes with humans (and some animals). So a voice can't take 'who.' You need 'which' instead if you want to keep the same structure.

And:

“See you Nat. You too, Marra. Stay safe.”


You need a comma before 'Nat.' Which you're probably aware of, seeing as you did that correctly everywhere else, but I figured I'd mention it while I was being nitpicky.

And now onto other stuff.

On the technical side, I noticed a lot of adverbs. One in particular gave me pause...

“Yeah,” I said honestly.


as I, as a reader, couldn't figure out if that meant if she was being honest or just saying it honestly to reassure the adult figures in her audience. And as a reader I'd like to be privy to that information.

Character and such... I didn't get quite as much of a sense of Marra this time, but that might have to do with me coming to accept her gift/curse and then seeing her react as a typical child might--pretend to be fine, shrug off the doctor, not want to burden the parent. I'll have to get my girl Quasi over here again to do a break down on the first person itself. I did like the comment about the exorcist in particular, though. She's got a sense of humor, this Marra, even if it's a bit dark...which is understandable.

Not that much happened, so I can't comment on plot really. But I am curious as to how you plan to keep doing chapters. This one was short, and happened right after the previous, which was right after the previous. So your time gap is small, which might make sudden large gaps weird unless you divide chapters up into larger sections or the like, or combine things into one chapter or something... but that's all considerations for later, so ignore me.

Last comment, back to technical stuff:

“Dad, what time is it?” I asked, looking to the sky as if hoping to calculate the hour by the unseen sun’s trajectory.

He looked at me questioningly, as if to ask if I was being serious.


Those sentences have a lot of things in common, actually, but in particular I'm looking at the "as if." A long time ago, I read an article concerning the words/phrases writers use that bring down their writing... and 'as if' was on that list. For the longest time, I rebelled against that, because it's such a damn handy little conjunction, you know? Especially for first person, where the narrator can't speak for the other person's state of mind or being.

But... I finally came to agree with that article. "As if" does weaken your writing, because it is sort of a cheating way to get around the credibility/howdoessheknowthat factor. Basically, why not say that it was this way or that way? And if you can't say it straight, "He looked at me questioningly to ask if I was being serious," then why say it at all?

How does she know that's a questioning look? How does she distinguish that look from the variety of other parental looks? In the first chapter, she nailed the way adults sit backwards on the chairs, and that was just the shrink. So rather than say that the look was questioning, as if it were one way... why not just say how it is she knows--or suspects--he's asking her that?

As for the first line quoted... you can probably get away with that one more so, though then again, she knows why she looked to the sky, right? Or maybe she doesn't and is chiding herself later on why the heck she thought that would be able to do anything. So I guess just mull that one over.

And, all that typed up... I think I'm done. Let me know if you have any questions, and let me know when the next chapter's posted, pretty please!

Rach
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.

Have you thanked a teacher lately? You should. Their bladder control alone is legend.
  





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Fri May 20, 2011 7:59 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Light flooded my irises as soon as I opened my eyes

This just feels unnecessarily wordy and purple-prosey to me. Can't you just say "I opened my eyes" or something? Going as specific as "irises" seems a bit odd, even for Marra.

I really do like Marra more and more. She just has this sort of cool shell of apathy going on, but the fact that she does care about her dad and isn't a complete smart-ass (being more snarky than rude and most of that in her head rather than out loud) makes her actually quite endearing. I care about her and want her to be healthy and okay. Very nice job.

This time, there was a second voice, and not the killer’s (a bit of information that came purely from the inner-knowing only dreams can supply).

Hmm, I do believe this is the first time parentheses have shown up and I have to say, I don't like it. It just feels out of place. Parentheses in fiction are sort of icky, though they can be used effectively if they are used a lot. I mean, if you make it a regular thing to use parentheses, the reader becomes desensitized to them and they can be used to great effect. However, since this is the first time we've seen then, they are incredibly consipicuous. Plus, that doesn't even need to be in parentheses. You can add that information in as its own sentence and the piece works just fine.

This time, there was a second voice. It wasn't the killer’s, one of those things I understood purely from the inner-knowing only dreams can supply. It was a guy‘s voice, who only and it whispered one word:

Something like my rewrite anyway. Also slight grammar change there, since you're talking about the guy's voice, not the guy himself, so it can't be a "who".

Mmm, I like this a lot. Even if I'm not quite sure what's going on in the story or what will happen next, you have me hooked to the character and I want to follow her wherever the story takes her. Thumbs up!

Again, feel free to PM me if you have any questions, and definitely let me know when you post more! I'll be more than happy to review it for you!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  








If a nation loses its storytellers, it loses its childhood.
— Peter Handke