Young Writers Society

The cold wind ate at my flesh, despite it being summer. The cold, that’s how I knew I was in the right place. The chill seeped deeper and deeper into my being with every step I took. The streets were empty and nothing could be heard but the sound of a leaf skittering across the asphalt and a faint, almost inaudible slurp. My hand tightened around the hilt of the dagger concealed in my leather coat.

Slurp! It sounded again, a low, guttural noise that made one’s stomach churn.

Slurp! It wasn’t a normal sound, like a child slurping up soup or hot chocolate, but the sound of someone drinking something...thicker. I stepped closer to the noise which seemed to be coming from the playground of the local school. A twig cracked under my boot and the sound ceased. Silence yawned over the night as I listened, as the source of the noise listened.

Slurp! It resumed. Watching my feet, I treaded carefully into the playground, silently climbing over the chain link fence. The swings creaked eerily, though there was no wind, and it was so cold I felt like my blood was turning to ice. My eyes skimmed the playground and I spotted a figure, a woman, sprawled out on the frosty grass, glassy-eyes and blood-soaked. It was then I realised the noise had stopped. I immediately drew my weapon and held it steady.

“Have you come to play with me?” a small voice asked from behind me, shattering the quiet like glass. I turned to see a young girl, barely older than five. I recognised her from the papers. Her names was Joy McMillan, she’d gone missing three weeks before. “Have you come to play?” Joy repeated.

“Why is she dead?” I asked, pointing to the woman’s corpse.

“She didn’t want to play,” Joy replied, smiling and revealing bloody teeth. When she smiled, something flickered across her face; a needle-toothed grin and glaring red eyes. It was gone in an instant, but it was all the confirmation I needed.

“You’ve been a naughty girl,” I tisked, edging towards her. I looked at the bloodstains that spattered her frilly blue dress and smeared around her mouth. It resembled a child’s face after eating chocolate ice cream. “And a messy one at that. Five dead in three weeks? You’ve been greedy.”

“I want to play,” Joy groaned in an inhuman voice. “I want to play, I want to eat. Yes! Yes! Eat, I must eat! Crunch your bones, gnaw your flesh and lick your blood!” Joy’s voice rose to an ear-splitting screech. “I must eat!” She dove at me, her movement little more than a blur that I only just managed to avoid. When I looked, Joy was moving back and forth on the swing set.

“Mama I’m hungry,” she said sorrowfully. “I’m cold and hungry.”

“I’m not your mama,” I replied, slipping away my dagger and instead drawing the sword slung cross my back, a sword made of blessed steel, “but I’m happy to punish you.” Joy’s face distorted at the sight of my weapon and revealed the true face of the being that had entered the little girl’s corpse.

The demon pounced and I swung my blade. It collided with her strong, needle-sharp teeth. Her skin was stretched so far back on her fingers that the bone protruded from the tips, sharp like claws. Joy leapt back and then moved forward, lashing out with her claws. My sword scraped across her gray, rotting flesh and black blood oozed from the cut, infused with demon ichor. A talon scraped across my face and a burning agony took my breath away.

The demon jumped back, cracked its neck and wiped my blood across its tongue. “Young girls,” it chuckled in a demonic growl, “always taste so sweet.” The beast came at me, bounding high up off the ground. “Let me have another taste!” Joy cackled. I ducked beneath the demon and drove my sword upward into its gut. Black blood spewed from its mouth and wound and I had to squeeze my eyes shut to protect me from the acidic ichor.

The body dropped to the ground and I removed my sword with sickening ease. Joy’s now-human face gazed up at me with wide eyes, her features a mask of shock and pain. I hated killing kids, possessed or not. I looked down at her blood on my sword, doubled over and retched.

Oh noes! I kind of wish Joy survived... being possessed by demons is never a fun thing, and then to die from it? That's just awful! How did that demon get possessed by her in the first place? Gah, this isn't fun! I mean, it makes sense and... well... the demon was kind of eating people, and you can't really just let that slide. But that demon is being really mean in possessing a little girl like that!

Anyway, I was kind of freaked out... so the demon is dead now, or has he just kind of jumped out of Joy? Er, that was a bad pun, sorry. Completely unintentional, but I don't know how to rephrase it as anything else. But, I am a bit concerned here... I am not sure if it is possible to kill demons for good or whether they just inhabit people as beings of spirit. If they are beings of spirit, then it's going to be really really difficult to get rid of them and it might take more than just a sword.

Another thing I am wondering about... do people actually know about these demons, or do they deny it? Or, alternatively, are they all dead? Or, maybe they're in hiding? How can you hide from a demon though? What exactly is a demon in this world?

Anyway, you have an exciting beginning which prompts a lot of questions. You should definitely continue this... I want to see what happens next!

Creepy much. That was great. I like the whole demon thing. I like how the main character is tough but also is weak (the retching at the end, hates killing kids). Demons are fun but be careful, they're a little overdone in my opinion. Make it original, add your own twist, make the demons cool in your own way. I loved it and can't wait to read more. It would make a great movie.

Oh. My. Gosh. This was amazing! I really like stories like this, with demons and all that stuff like that, but this did not feel like it was unoriginal at all, which is not that easy to do. Great job on that, and I really hope you keep it up!

There are a few small things I'd like to mention, just a couple small grammar mistakes, etc.

Her names was Joy McMillan, she’d gone missing three weeks before.

First off, in this sentence you "name" should be singular.

The cold wind ate at my flesh, despite it being summer. The cold, that’s how I knew I was in the right place. The chill seeped deeper and deeper into my being with every step I took. The streets were empty and nothing could be heard but the sound of a leaf skittering across the asphalt and a faint, almost inaudible slurp.

Here, I would just make the suggestion that you try not to start each sentence with the same word every time for a number of sentences in a row. It can work, but that's really hard to pull off, so maybe just try to keep variety in your sentence beginnings so it doesn't get awkward or boring. But then again, that's completely up to you.

My eyes skimmed the playground and I spotted a figure, a woman, sprawled out on the frosty grass, glassy-eyes and blood-soaked.

This sentence seems a tad awkward, but that could be easily fixed. In the last part of the sentence, changing "glassy-eyes" to "glassy-eyed" should help!

That's all the grammar issues that I can find, so nothing really that important to mention there.

And I think that that's all I need to mention anyways! I really enjoyed this, and I absolutely cannot wait to read more! Your writing style is extremely entertaining and intriguing, and I will be sure to keep an eye out for your next chapters. See you around!

I am soooo looking forward to more But anyways, I'm not so great on the whole grammar thing myself, so if you don't mind I'll let someone else take care of that.... Really though, this had a nice pace, great suspense, and the wording was perfect. I really hope you decide to continue this. If you do, please let me know when the next is up. Really great job on this and good luck on future writes.