Young Writers Society

Shawn was worried. Why? He had a date. Sure he'd had dates before, but this was the one date that would seal the deal. He and his girlfriend, Katherine, had been going out for quite some time, and he figured tonight was as good a night as any to pop the question.
He had this planned to perfection. He would take her to her favorite restaurant, order some wine, and, once the wine came, he would get down on his knee and ask. What could possibly go wrong?, he thought. Now he realized that the only thing that could go wrong is her choosing the other option. A quick, cold-hearted "No". Sure, the blow could be softened, but it wouldn't make it hurt any less.
He would go through with his plan however, in spite of the inevitable doubts.
Later that night, Shawn and Katherine were sitting at a table at the Chaetae le Moushe. Everything had gone according to plan, including the wine bit. The wine arrived, and he knew that he had to ask now or it would never happen. He got down on his knee and began to speak. "Katherine, we've been going out for a while now, and I feel we've made a connection. So much so that I feel the need to ask you something. Katherine Marie Bates, will you marry me?"
Katherine, through tears of joy, cried "I thought you would never ask! Yes, Shawn! Yes, I will marry you!" Both Shawn and Katherine stood up. Katherine excitedly threw her arms around Shawn's neck. "When will it be? What should I wear?" Katherine asked enthusiastically.
"Shouldn't we leave that until later? Right now let's just celebrate!" He picked up his glass to give a toast. Suddenly, gunfire rang out. A voice, tinted with an Asian accent, yelled "Everybody on the ground, now!"
Shawn, Katherine, and everyone else in the restaurant did as told. Katherine whispered "What would an Asian gang want with this place? It's French!" Then the voice yelled out again. "Good. You can follow orders. Now do me another 'favor'. Tell me, where is Shawn McAcvoy?"
People started talking, saying they had no idea who this person was or where he is. "Shut up!" the man yelled. He picked up a man in his mid-twenties. "Shawn, where are you? You wouldn't want this man to die, would you?"
Shawn, now seeing that lives were at stake, bolted from his position on the floor. "Let him go! I'm the one you want." Shawn said.
"Stupid American. You would give your life for a stranger?" The man turned to two men on his right. "Grab him and load him in the car." Suddenly, Katherine sprang from the floor. "Shawn, what are you doing? Come back to me!" The man who called for Shawn reaimed his gun and shot Katherine. "Stupid Americans. Load him up. Let's go."
Shawn, grieving over Katherine, broke free of his captors and punched one of them hard in the face. But before he could do the same to the other, the guard grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back. "Let this teach you a lesson."
He quickly spun Shawn around and gave him a powerful head butt. The guard laughed. All the while, for Shawn, the world was going black.

Hi there!

Shawn was worried. Why? He had a date. Sure he'd had dates before, but this was the one date that would seal the deal. He and his girlfriend, Katherine, had been going out for quite some time, and he figured tonight was as good a night as any to pop the question.

I'm sorry, really I am, but this beginning isn't exactly the best. It's very simple and concise and you give us vital information, but to me it's bland. I'm not actually done reading yet, so I'll finish and then come back to this point. :)

Okay, okay. Now I've read it, and I see the problem. This story lacks emotion and imagery, among everything. I was reading this and I couldn't stay focused, because the entire time I was struggling to find some sort of emotion, some sort of sympathetic tie with the characters, and all I got was more of the same thing. First, though, you need to describe the scene some. We don't need to have an exact explanation of everything, but we need an overview of the important details, and we need the images to be vivid. We don't even know what Katherine and Shawn look like. At all. We need something to give us an idea.

As for the feelings, you seem to be telling us instead of showing us. There is little to no sense of character at all in this piece. My favorite way to do this is through description. This ties in with the scene as well. Though you aren't emphasizing the surroundings, you should describe your character's actions in detail. Each and every person has their own quirks, thoughts, and feelings, and right now this story seems generic. You need to include specific details about your characters that make them stand out. This event - a proposal - happens every day, but do we expect it to be the same for everyone? No. You need to show us that it's different, show us that these characters are unique.

Of course, then they get ambushed. That's certainly a different way of putting it, but your story remains the same despite the new sense of action. The story started off slowly, it was still slow in the middle, and it was even slow when Shawn's wife was shot. Emotion is key, and you can unlock that with detail and powerful imagery. Good luck! And thank you for posting this. :)

Hello there

Shawn was worried. Why? He had a date.

I find this 'Why' very unnecessary.

Hmm...I feel very disappointed after reading this. There is no suspense and to me it did not strike me as the little snippet to your story that makes me want to read on. This needs a little bit more umph! It's too bland and cliché. I feel with a little tweaking you can actually pull it off. Along with a lot of practice, because your writing is actually not that bad, you just need some suspense and that's basically the only thing I'm going to complain about.

Good luck with the rest of this and Keep writing!

My notes going through:

"he figured tonight was as good a night as any to pop the question." I'm pretty sure guys put a little more thought than that into their proposal... I would hope so, anyway. "Well, it's been a while since we started dating... It's free refill night at the restaurant we're going to. Might as well ask her to marry me tonight. Not like I've got anything better to do."

After reading the next paragraph, I see that it's a little better. I still don't like that previous sentence though. Seems too casual a lead-in.

"Later that night" What night is that? We've had a little inner dialogue up to this point, but no real setting. Is he getting ready for the date, is he waiting for her to meet him, or what? We don't have any setting for this first part (as a matter of fact, it's a bit tell-y) so it feels strange to do a time shift when we didn't have a time to begin with. Maybe incorporate this, "I'm going to ask her to marry me" thing through dialogue with another character, or else start the scene already at the restaurant, and we watch along with him as his plan is carried out.

"The wine arrived, and he knew that he had to ask now or it would never happen" Or, you know, he could wait a couple weeks and find an even more original proposal plan. It's not like he's fleeing the country in the morning and he'll never see her again if he doesn't propose right now.

Or is he...?

I dislike Katherine. She strikes me as stupid, and maybe that was the intention, but... I don't like her. I feel no sadness that she was shot, and you haven't convinced me that Shawn felt any either. You say he 'grieves' for her or whatever, but that's it? No inner dialogue? No 'world crashing down around him'? If he really loves this woman enough to want to marry her, then his whole world should be falling apart.

Does he know why they're attacking him, or is he as clueless as Katherine?

Please give us more details, more suspense, more showing less telling... Basically, more.

Keep writing. :]