Young Writers Society

As the moonlight shone down on Katherine, she looked at what she had done.
I can’t stay here. I can’t stay here. I can’t stay here.
Her thoughts were a mangled heap, each one clawing at each other to keep her attention. It was hard though, Saraphina kept her focus. She told her what to do, and Katherine listened, mesmerized by her hypnotic voice.
Now drag them out back.
“Is that such a good idea Sara?” Katherine whispered.
Do you doubt me? Her voice began to rise.
“No! No… I guess I just thought…”
I’m the one who does the thinking. Remember? Or do I need to… Remind you again?
“Please! No! Anything but that. I’ll do it. Where should I drag them?”
Drag them to the back.
“Yes, Sara.”
Do you always have to do what Sara says? I think you should ignore her, a raspy voice with a hint of a southern accent said. It was softer than Sara’s, but she heard it in her head none the less.
Hush, Beatrice I know what I’m doing.
That’s what you think.
“Be quiet! Both of you! Please!”
No! They yelled in unison.

Katherine moaned. She looked down at her dress. It was new; Papa had just bought it for her twenty-fifth birthday. It was made of a new fabric called cotton. The lightweight fabric breathed, so she was able to do the hard work of dragging three young dead bodies much easier than if she were in wool.

Unfortunately, the dress was soaked- in both sweat and blood. Some of it was hers, but most was Emily, Maya, and Thomas’. Her children.

She swept her dark brown hair away from her face and wiped a tear from her cheek as she dragged the first body down the hall leaving a dark red stain on the hard wood floor.

Hey, I have come to make a short review! I noticed on the description you spelled schizophrenic wrong. I also suggest you do your research on the mental illness, the girl sounds like she has multiple personality disorder not schizophrenia. I'm no psychologist but I know that is not good to get your facts wrong.

But apart from that I like it, short and sweet creates a nice atmosphere and has certainly got me interested.This has some great potential.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia
Remember not to stereotype your character as the mad schizophrenic murder, you must give her some depth!

Good luck and good work!

Hi! Thanks, I think I'm going to make it something more unrealistic, kind of like a disease that can spread from person to person. It will give it a more Sci-fi twist. Thanks for your help though!

Okay, I agree with Jennya... this doesn't sound like schizophrenia that is affecting the MC. If you do decide to make the disease different, it would be good to look up different mental illnesses and maybe combine them. That would be really awesome. PM me if you would like some help with that; my parents are both shrinks. Aside from that, there was one mistake with the italics.

I think you should ignore her, a raspy voice with a hint of a southern accent said. It was softer than Sara’s, but she heard it in her head none the less.

Make this regular text just because that isn't her talking.

I think that this story has tons of potential and I'm eager to read more of this. Keep on writing and PM me if you've got questions!

Cheers,
Luxe

Oh that's awesome! Thanks for the ideas:) I copy from my word document, so the italics go away and I just go through and re-highlight them.