Young Writers Society

A scream rang out through the streets as Drew walked home from college, but he didn't even turn around. He knew what was happening; a war was beginning and going back meant putting himself in danger.

"Just keep going," he said aloud to himself. "They can't hurt you once you get home."

His beloved country of Gerome was changing. Once a peaceful, wonderful place to live had become a place where you didn't know if you would come home alive. Whenever you walked outside it was always a good thing to carry a gun. The country's ban on guns had been lifted because of the circumstances. It was a dangerous time all because of one man; a man no one had ever seen, only heard of:

Max Creighton;

Leader of the rebel group, the LWP, against the government, the Main. The Main had been in power since the beginning of Gerome. They were the ones who determined that the country should go into hiding. Hiding was the only way to keep their secrets, well, secret. If they were conveniently wiped off of the map then no one would question anything. It's still a mystery how exactly the Main achieved this, but it worked. No one outside of Gerome knew of the existence of the country.

Another cry rang out as Drew entered the alleyway behind his house. He flattened himself against the wall as a group of rebels ran past him. He couldn't let anyone see him; he'd be dead for sure. Anyone who was affiliated with the Main was dead meat. And Drew, he was already signed up. After he finished a year at college he would automatically be named into the Main. He wanted to be a polotician, make a difference. He wanted to be the one to bring down Max.

He was just about to head into his house when he realized his cell phone was missing. He looked around frantically, but didn’t see it. Sighing, he realized he would have to retrace his steps until he found it. Sneaking a look around the corner, he walked out into the street scanning the ground around him. A feeling of relief washed over him as he saw it. He must have dropped his phone from his pocket on the way home.

He finally reached his apartment building, his phone gripped tightly in his hand. The phone was his life. It had all his appointments, his class schedule, and all of his friends’ phone numbers. Placing the phone safely in his kitchen drawer, he yawned. He realized he’d been up for nearly 24 hours. There was a test he had been studying for the night before. He needed more rest. He sunk into bed, clothes and shoes still on, and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was shaken awake a few hours later by the ring of a cell phone. He was puzzled because he knew it wasn’t his ringtone. He rolled out of bed and trudged into his kitchen. Pulling open the drawer, the ringing got louder. He just wanted it to stop so he could go back to sleep. He turned on his phone, but soon realized something was wrong. It wasn’t his phone. His phone was not this clean and it certainly didn’t have the LWP symbol on it.

Drew's heart pounded. He'd done it now. The LWP must use the type of phone he had. Why had this happened, to him of all people! They would find him now. He had to hide.

First off, I'm just going to say I liked the info for this! It reminded me a little of freedom writers/ freedom writers diary. Such a excellent film/book!
The prologue was a little short, but I'm going to review it anyway

Noelle wrote:In the hidden country of Gerome, the people are speaking out. They are tired of being hidden More description is needed here, hidden in what way? And, if it isn't a plot spoiler, where?and want to become part of the 'normal world'. The location of this country is yet unknown and who knows if it will ever turn up on the map. try to avoid repetition of 'know' The population size is greatly dwindling from the civil war and/ but the country is suffering through.

Most of the people in this country live near the outskirts, away from the hustle and bustle of the city. But the city is the main part of the country. All of the schools, stores, libraries, gas stations (you get the idea) are located there. Each citizen must visit the city in order to get what they need. Less and less people have been venturing into the city because that's where most of the protesting occurs. No one wants to get pulled into it. These first two paragraphs are literally statement after statement. Try to add in variety of some sort to keep the reader interested.

Drew Bermin attends Gerome University, the most prestigious college in the country. He is on his way to becoming a politician and has his own thoughts about the war. Whenever he travels through a pack of protesters he's disgusted. He wants very much for all of the fighting to stop. After all, if he is going to become a member of it one day, he wantsed to be respected.

Again, still very list like. Try to give some description of the city or Drew Bermine; it adds depth.
Overall though, a good start, a little short but that needn't be worried about! Good luck in continuing!

Hello there

As much as I appreciate that this is full of all the information, it kind of strikes me as more of a synopsis than a prologue. It would have been more appealing if there was more to it storytelling-wise. Add a little spice here and there and some dialogue to make me want to read the story after a much interesting introduction. However, this does look interesting, it really does. The concept is original but this is a bad prologue.(you did say so in the spoiler, but...)

Keep writing and good luck on this.

Thanks for the input. I will edit it and try to make it better.

Not a bad start. ^^ My notes going through:

Most people would turn around when they hear a scream... You say that Drew doesn't because he knows what's happening already, but could we get a little more elaboration on that? Are screams common-place now? Has it become the norm to just keep walking and stay out of trouble?

You switch from past to present tense in a couple of places. ("As Drew walked home from college"/"He's the leader of a rebel group") Make sure you stay consistant about what tense you're in.

Is Drew carrying a gun? I'd like to see a little more urgency, and a little more information on how he tries to lay low and not get noticed. Does he HAVE to walk home every day, or can he take a bus or something? Or is taking the bus even more dangerous?

How did he realize his phone was missing? Did he realize it wasn't in his pocket when he reached for his keys, or was he going to check it, or what? He seems pretty casual about the idea of retracing his steps, even though we've already established that the streets are a dangerous place. I'm picturing a guy desperate to get home where it's safe, relief washing over him as he reaches his front door, only for a fresh wave of horror to set in when he realizes he has to go back out again. Really get us inside Drew's head. Make us feel what he feels, and make what he feels realistic.

Um, if the phone has a passcode... Shouldn't he have needed to put IN a passcode? If the phone is locked, why does it just launch straight into its sensitive information? This doesn't seem like the kind of thing that they'd leave open for anyone off the street (literally, in this case) to find.

This isn't a bad beginning, but I'd like you to ramp up the urgency a bit. Help us feel the danger of walking down the street. Tell us earlier why his phone is important enough to make him go back for it, despite the risks. While you're at it, why not give us some clues as to why Drew wants to be a politician in the first place. If it's such a dangerous job, why study to become one? Money? Prestige? Connections? A family legacy?

Also, is the rebellion going to be against ALL politicians, or just the ones who are in favor of keeping Gerome hidden? Remember, not all politicians have the same opinions and goals and platforms. If the rebels were smart, they'd have some of their own supporters training to be politicians.

Like I said, not a bad opening. The premise is interesting, although I'm still trying to figure out why Drew signs up willingly to be part of the Main when he already knows of his rebel connections... Maybe it would make more sense if he gets drafted? Or maybe I'll understand when I read more. XD

Anyway, I just think it could still use a little more polishing.

Keep writing.