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Chapter seven- Tainted Perfection



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Wed Jun 01, 2011 2:48 pm
VousEsEtonnant says...



Nothing else mattered anymore. The trees were flying past me, blurring into the background. I stumbled a lot, and my eyes were blind with raging tears. My uncle had taken him, I bet my life on it. That call was to lure him out so he could kidnap him and take him to my parent’s old home. And I knew exactly what he wanted in exchange.
I gripped the hilt of the dagger, and kept running. I could hear Victor behind me, shouting. “No, Noemi! Stop! You can’t!” But I didn’t listen. I just kept running, kept ducking and running and crying and running. I had to get to him. The light was fading from the sky, and there was little time before darkness fell and it would be too late.
In the time it took to get to the clearing, I had come to a decision. I had fallen for Nico. In the days we had together, he had been so sweet and gentle. He had been understanding and welcoming. He had helped me. And I grew to let him into my heart the way no one else ever had been, besides my parents. He was why I kept moving.
When I got there, I saw Nico tied to the tree I had planted in the center of the clearing so many years ago. I rushed up to him, glad I had found him, knowing very well it would not be this easy.
I was right. I heard a low chuckle behind me, and I whirled to see the source. There before me was a man with matted black hair and light blue eyes. The outside edges of the blue in his eyes had a tinge of crimson. His face had become more angular than the usual family look, and he now wore a bone crown. He grinned, and his teeth were exactly like a demon’s. Sharp, refined, sparkling white.

“Welcome, my dear niece. I love the tree you placed here. Unfortunately, it does not disguise the place very well. Well, unfortunate for you.” He grinned again.

“You putrid, disgusting, sick, demonic, hellish figure! I hate you. Don’t ever call me your niece. You are no uncle of mine.”

“Ah-Ah-Ah… Be careful what you say to me, Noemi.” He flicked his wrist and I felt my body forced down by a weight of broken magic. “I would hate to have to kill such a brave, but stupid, girl. Your friend here is quite the gentleman. Even when I had one of my darling demons have fun with his legs, he remained quiet and solemn. Not a peep from that boy. Impressive.
I looked over to Nico again, and now noticed that his pants had been pulled up, and he had blood and singed flesh for legs. “Why you….” I trailed off, worrying that he might hurt Nico.
“Why, I am quite a mastermind. You failed, darling Noemi. You let something into your heart. And that is a bad idea for the demon hunters. Forbidden, in fact. But I took care f that. Silly you, letting your emotion get the best of you.” He noticed the edge of anguish in my expression as I watched Nico’s face. “Ah, yes. His pain is yours. You know you love him, Noemi. And you also know you will give me what I want for him.
“I was most grieved that I could not plan for a more exciting way to get you here. But a cliché kidnapping would have to suffice. It is certainly simple, but it was easy and it always works. So here we are. Will you hand me the dagger, and let me on my way? I shall stay true to my word when I say you can have him after I am gone.

I seriously considered it for a second, before I realized something. Though he would never show it, the demon king was desperate. He would fight until the death tonight to get this weapon.

“Over my dead body.” I hissed.

He grinned. “As you wish it.” And it began.

He turned to shadow, as all demons could, and in a flash was before me. He reached out one finger, and used magic to blow me into a tree. I felt the bark press painfully into by back, and got up as quickly as I could. He rushed at me, but this time I was ready for it.
I had been testing out my magic for the past week, and I was having trouble controlling it. But after saving Nico’s mother I understood it better. I felt for the magic, and commanded it to protect me. A clear-blue film surrounded me, and pushed him back. He dissipated it and continued towards me. Move, I thought, and I felt myself break apart and whiz around in the air. My conscious stayed intact even though I could no longer see my own body. To the right of the tree, I thought again, and all the essence of my body pushed itself to where I wanted to be, and re-formed. It was an exhilarating experience.
He whirled to me and let out a primal hiss. ‘You have fought my children for too long.” And with that I threw myself at him with all my force. I landed on top of him, the dagger suddenly in my hand at his throat.

“If that upsets you, I can put an end to it.” I threatened.

All of a sudden the man below me lost all of his confidence and arrogance. “Noemi, please. I cannot leave my darlings. I cannot leave them without a king. They are like family.”

“Like hell they are.”

“Child, we are still family. If they are not mine, are you and I not bound by blood?”

“Bound by blood and nothing more.” I spat.

“Now, you know that is not true. We are bound by magic. We both have come to know the power it can give us. You can feel it. You can do the same sort of things a demon can. We are both part demon, see.
I jumped up away from him as fast as I could. Part demon, was he insane? My life was devoted to killing the terrible things. But it made so much sense. I could do what they could. I could do what he could. My mind fuzzed and I couldn’t think straight. Be a demon ruler. A demon princess. Power. Ruler… magic…

“You could come by my side. We could rule the world! The war would be all our doing, and everything would be ours. Anything you ever wanted, you would have.” His voice sounded so smooth, so sure. Of course he was right. Someone with that voice had to be right.
I shook my head, realizing it was more magic. He was trying to control my thoughts. But I was not strong enough. I could feel my resolve forming in my head before I could think it through.
“That’s it. Come to me, Noemi. Come, be a demon princess. Hold power like never before. Come, my daughter.”
At that I stopped. Daughter. This was not papa. He did not know me like papa. He did not love me like papa did. That was when I heard papa’s voice in my head.
Nemz, he is evil. He has broken the magic. You did not know, but the first demon king stole magic from the saints. You are not part demon, my daughter. You are part saint.
Hearing papa again gave me the strength to pull from the luring voice of my uncle. I regained control of myself and opened my eyes, not realizing I had shut them. Immediately, I wished I had kept them shut. I watched helplessly as the demon king sent a cursed fireball at me. It was white, instead of the usual blue-green flame.
I closed my eyes and waited to die. I love you, Nico. I’m sorry, papa. I failed you. Just then I heard a scream. A gut wrenching, blood curdling shriek that pierced my bones. My eyes snapped open, and there before me was my brother, Victor, burning where he stood. He had taken the fireball for me. I stood there, not able to move. His skin and being was being eaten away by an ember-like substance. I watched as the only real family I had left gave his life for the sister he had just met.
I looked up at my uncle’s face. His lips were set in a devilish smile, and he had glee in his eyes. Fury ripped through my body like an adrenaline rush gone bad. This man would pay.

“Murderer.” I hissed, and jumped across the clearing to him. Upon my impact, he turned to shadow, and I commanded, follow.

I landed on the edge of a roof. Teetering, I quickly stepped from the edge so I did not fall. I glanced around, and noted that we were on the roof of a church. I saw a cross there. A cracked cross, beaten up from years of use. I looked over the edge, and saw a garden full of bones.
This was the church next to the garden of the troublesome old demon.

“My favorite demon died here. As did a few others. I guess my influence was not enough to keep them from destroying each other.” My uncle sighed sadly.

I glared at him and said “Your influence was fine. I killed them all. Had fun with it, too.”

His eyes seemed to set aflame. “YOU killed my darling demons? My favorite child? How DARE you?!” he jumped for me, but I ducked and let him sail out into the open air. He evaporated and reappeared right next to the cross.

“You can’t get rid of me that easy. Stupid girl.”

I ran at him, and he moved to the other side of the cross. I grasped the pole and swung my body around, kicking him in the back. He was caught off guard and fell onto his stomach. I landed in a crouch and ordered, lift. He was thrown into the air, and he came crashing down upon the cross. It fell apart under his weight, and a blunt tip was all that remained, protruding from his stomach. He started laughing.

“Think you could kill me like this? You are such and ignorant child!”

“No, I expect to kill you with this.” I jumped, and landed on him. Raising the dagger above my head, I shouted, “In the name of my saint, Segreti Di Bellezza, I sentence thee to death!!” and plunged the dagger into his heart.
At first, nothing happened. The calm before the storm. But then, he gurgled. He shrieked. He made a few demon noises. I jumped off of him, and stood back to watch. He started writhing, screaming now. “Forgive me, forgive me, PLEASE! I’m sorry, sorry, s-so sorry!”
He was crying now. Begging for mercy. Screaming to be saved. “Goodbye, my uncle. I’m sorry I had to kill such a brave, but terribly stupid, man. You had it coming.” I whispered.
Then he went limp. The demon king was demonic no more. His body froze into solid ash, and broke apart, disappearing into thin air. The dagger clattered to the floor. I walked up to the now destroyed cross and leaned down to grasp the blade. Purify, I thought, and blue and black sparks erupted around my hand and the handle.
The serpents melted, and remolded themselves as a female saint with wilted wings. Along the base of the dagger, the soul protectors’ sign was etched in red and blue.

This dagger was mine now, for good.
"And when you're out there,
without care, yeah,
I was out of touch!
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough,
I just knew too much."
  





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Wed Jun 01, 2011 8:36 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Mmm, dramatic.

Spacing was a little wonky here again. Wanna check on it?

I had fallen for Nico.

Why? She talks about knowing him for the past few days and letting herself warm to him, but really, she's only known him a few days. And (and this is really important), we didn't see much of their interaction. Without seeing it, we don't get to feel its impact and so, for the reader, it pretty much didn't happen. We just hear that she likes him but without having seen for ourself why she likes him, we can only ask why?

Show some of their conversations. Show how he was there for her when she needed it. Show us the things he did that made her decide that she liked him.

And, even if she does like him, she's only known him for a few days. I can see her really, really liking him, but a sort of deeper connection, one that her uncle is insinuating, requires a bit more time. If nothing else, we need to see this so that we could believe this sort of thing really runs that deep.

In the name of my saint, Segreti Di Bellezza

Did I miss something somewhere? Did her saint, in fact reveal his name to her, or did she just figure out what it was due to being part saint? Was it like a revelation or something? This could stand to be a little bit more explained, seeing as how it just feels like it comes out of the blue here.

Mmm, stuff is really ramping up now. I feel a bit like this is disconnected from the rest though. I didn't get to see the tension build up. They found out last chapter or so that the uncle is the villain and already we are confronting the villain! There was no real build up or suspense or development. How does Noemi feel about finding out that a) she has an uncle (who she really didn't seem to know about before) and b) that she has to confront him as the evil big bad? How does Victor tie into all this? He seems to have been forgotten through all this fight until he sacrifices himself and even then, I didn't feel a huge sense of loss. I've just seen so little of him that I didn't have time to get really attached. I'm sad, but not really all that broken up about it.

Pretty much, I just want to see more of the characters before this. I want to see them interacting and growing together and generally making me love them.

Hope this helps a little. As always, I'm there for comments/questions!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  








You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.
— The 12th Doctor