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Night Creatures, Chapter One



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Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:42 am
germsieGal says...



Lucy stared into the darkness of the rainy night, her mouth still wet with the blood. "Not again," she thought, "I didn't want to do this again." "Why am I like this?" She asked out loud, though she knew she wasn't going to get an answer.She knew why she was like this, why every time she wanted to eat she was like this. Lucy had never wanted to be a murderer, but it was too late to change it now. She could never be what she used to be, which was a full human. She was forever cursed. With one bite, her world changed. She left her home to protect the one's she loved. Lucy ran out into the woods, hiding. Never went back, she couldn't. People have come looking for her, but never find her. Lucy has been a werewolf for 2 weeks, she was turned when she was 17, and is forever 17 now. Once a human is bit by a werewolf they are forever the age that they were bit.
Lucy stood up, hovering over the man she had just murdered. She closed her eyes; she didn't want to see the blood that was everywhere, or the blood that was on her. What Lucy wanted to do was go home, but she doesn't have a home now. Lucy looked at the rest of the village that she had just attacked, the rest of the pack she was in was still eating away at thier new prey. Lucy wiped the blood off her lips. She changed to her human form, walked over to a log and sat down.
"You going to finish that Lu?" Carity said in her half human half werewolf form gesturing to the man who Lucy had mudered, she was still licking her lips that were dripping in red, hot, and sticky liquid. Carity had finished off 3 humans in the time Lucy ate half of a man.
"Go ahead, I’m not hungry." Lucy said in a flat tone. She didn't like Carity very much, she thought she was to upfront. She thought she had no boundries.
"You know sooner or later you will have to face the fact that this is your life now, you’re no longer some pampered brat that lives in Chicago, and you’re a mutt who has no home." Carity snapped at Lucy then walked out of sight mumbling some choice words about her.
Lucy knew she had to face the facts, but she couldn't she just didn't want to, she loved Chicago and didn't want to forget about it.
"She is just mad that you got to have a little bit of a perfect life, none of us ever had that, and never will." Jeremy said as he walked over in his full human form and sat down beside Lucy on the log.
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to upset her." Lucy said in a trembling voice, she knew that when Carity gets upset she gets in quite the mood.
Jeremy laughed and put a hand on Lucy’s shoulder: “Carity can get over herself, your apart of my pack now, you run with us.”
Belonging-Lucy was feeling the feeling of belonging for the first time in awhile. The last time she felt this way was when she still lived in Chicago, now she lives in the woods travelling from town to small village killing them off, for two weeks this has been Lucy's new life.
Lucy layed awake on the wet ground by the log, she was trying remembering the last week of her human life, but it was all beginning to blur. The memories were fading away. “Good.” Lucy thought, “I want it to fade away, I don’t want to remember that night in the woods.” But Lucy was already remembering it, even though it was all fuzzy in some parts.
She was in the woods with her 12 year old sister. It was nine o’clock and they wanted to catch fireflies. Her family was on vacation from the big city of Chicago. Everything went so fast in Chicago, but out in the country by a lake it went slow. Lucy remembered her sister running off to catch a big firefly that she saw. She yelled at her to come back, and her sister didn’t come back. There was the most dreadful scream Lucy had ever heard. She found her sister dead on the ground with a big wolf hovering over her. The wolf’s muzzle was drenched in the blood of her sister. Lucy tried to run away but there was another one behind her, then everything went blurry, but the last thing Lucy remembered feeling was teeth bearing into her flesh on her thigh.
Last edited by germsieGal on Fri Jun 03, 2011 11:33 pm, edited 8 times in total.
  





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Fri Jun 03, 2011 1:35 pm
cookEmonster says...



Ooh, this seems really good! Short chapter though! ):
Hahah, Can't wait to read more!!

-CookEmonster
To accept life is to accept the fate it comes with- we were born to die.
So why not make the best of what we've been given with the short time we have on earth?
I like to live every day to it's fullest. (: And writing helps me do that...
  





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Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:31 pm
sammay says...



i really liked tht plz write more :) :)
People think I'm quiet those who know me wish I was.

I <3 to write.

- Sammay :D
  





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Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:31 pm
sammay says...



i really liked tht please write more :) :)
People think I'm quiet those who know me wish I was.

I <3 to write.

- Sammay :D
  





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Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:31 pm
sammay says...



i really liked tht please write more :) :)
People think I'm quiet those who know me wish I was.

I <3 to write.

- Sammay :D
  





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Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:31 pm
sammay says...



i really liked tht please write more :) :)
People think I'm quiet those who know me wish I was.

I <3 to write.

- Sammay :D
  





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Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:34 pm
sammay says...



sorry i don't know why it did that
People think I'm quiet those who know me wish I was.

I <3 to write.

- Sammay :D
  





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Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:35 pm
sammay says...



sorry i do not know why it did that.
People think I'm quiet those who know me wish I was.

I <3 to write.

- Sammay :D
  





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Fri Jun 03, 2011 6:31 pm
Chelsea4827 says...



This looks good. A bit short, but that doesn't really matter.

Lucy looked at the rest of the village that she had just attacked, the rest of the pack she was in was still eating away at their new prey.


Keep it up.
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't. -- Blaise Pascal
  





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Fri Jun 03, 2011 7:14 pm
RitingFreek says...



Okay, hi! I'm just going to tell you some errors I caught real quick. ;)
germsieGal wrote:"Not again," she thought, "I didn't want to do this again." "Why am I like this?" She asked out loud, she knew she wasn't getting an answer.
Between the last thought and what she says out loud, you need to seperate it with more than a space. You need to treat the thought like it's something she's saying, if you're going to write it like that. And you need to change the last sentence, maybe to something more like, "She asked out loud, though she knew she wasn't going to get an answer."
germsieGal wrote:Lucy never wanted to be a murderer, but it was too late to change it now. She could never be what she used to be, full human
Could you put a "had" between those two words in the first sentence? And maybe but a semicolon instead of a comma after the "be" in the second sentence?
germsieGal wrote:She left her home to protect the one's she loved.
Take the apostrophe out of "one's".
germsieGal wrote:Never went back, she couldn't.
Hmm... could you change this somehow? Something about it doesn't sound right.
germsieGal wrote:People have come looking for her, but never find her. Lucy has been a werewolf for 2 weeks, she was turned when she was 17, and is forever 17 now. Once a human is bit by a werewolf they are forever the age that they were bit.
Okay, in these two sentences you switched from past tense (which is what the rest of the story is written in) to present tense.
germsieGal wrote:Lucy stood up hovering over the man she had just murdered. She closed her eyes; she didn't want to see the blood that was everywhere, or the blood that was on her. What Lucy wanted to do was go home, but she doesn't have a home now. Lucy looked at the rest of the village that she had just attacked, the rest of the pack she was in was still eating away at there new prey. Lucy wiped the blood off her lips then wiped it on her pants. She changed to her human form, then walked over to a log and sat down.
First of all, you need to put a comma between "up" and "hovering". Also, "doesn't" needs to be "didn't" if you're going to continue writing in past tense. "There" is spelled "Their" in this instance, and you need to find a word to use in replacement for "then". The way you repeated it in these two neighboring sentences makes it sound wrong.
germsieGal wrote:"You going to finish that Lu, I'm still kind of hungry." Carity said in her half human half werewolf form, she was still licking her lips that were dripping in red, hot, and sticky liquid, she had finished off 3 humans in the time Lucy ate half of a man.
First of all, you need to make "'You going to finish that Lu", a seperate sentence and put a question mark after it. The sentence after the dialogue is one really long run-on sentence that you need to fix.
germsieGal wrote:Carity snapped at Lucy then walked out of sight mumbling some choice words about her.
Another run-on sentence; please make it two different sentences or find a way to seperate it correctly, without just using commas.
germsieGal wrote:Lucy knew she had to face the facts, but she couldn't she just didn't want to, she loved Chicago and didn't want to forget about it.
Another run-on sentence.
germsieGal wrote:...little bit of a perfect life, none of us ever had that, and never will."
The comma needs to be a semicolon.
germsieGal wrote:Lucy said in a trembling voice, she knew that when Carity gets upset she gets in quite the mood.
This comma also needs to be a semicolon, or something similar.
germsieGal wrote:Jeremy laughed and put a hand on Lucy’s shoulder “Carity can get over herself, your apart of my pack now, you run with us.
Maybe put a colon after shoulder? And put quotation marks after the period at the end.
germsieGal wrote:Belonging, Lucy was feeling the feeling of belonging since the first time in awhile. The last time she felt this feeling was when she still lived in Chicago, now she lives in the woods travelling from town to small village killing them off, for two weeks this has been Lucy's new life.
Lucy lie awake on the wet ground by the log, she was trying remembering the last week of her human life, but it was all beginning to blur, the memory was fading away.
First, I need you to change that very first comma after "Belonging" into a hyphen. I also need you to change "Since" into "For". Maybe change "Feeling" into "Way". Aslo: The second and last sentences are run-one. Please fix those. Lastly, change "Lie" to "Layed" or something similar.
germsieGal wrote:Her family was on vacation from the big city of Chicago, everything went so fast in Chicago, but out in the country by a lake it went slow.
Run-on.
germsieGal wrote:Lucy remembered her sister running off to catch a big one she saw.
A big what?
germsieGal wrote:She yelled at her to come back and her sister didn’t come back, then there was the most dreadful scream Lucy hadn’t in a long time, and she found her sister dead on the ground with a big wolf hovering over her. The wolves muzzle was drenched in the blood of her sister. Lucy tried to run away but there was another one behind her, then everything went blurry, but the last thing Lucy remembered feeling was teeth bearing into her flesh on her thigh.
The first and last sentences are both run-ons. Put a comma after "Back" and change "And" to "But". Make "Wolves" "Wolf's", as in belonging to the wolf, not the plural.

I like this story so far! It's about a curious subject and I am very interested. Please continue! :)
:)~sMILEY fACE~(:
Riting Freek
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing- that's why we recommend it daily. -Zig Ziglar
  





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Fri Jun 03, 2011 8:43 pm
germsieGal says...



Thanks for the reviews, I know I have quite the few run on sentences and I am curently fixing them. Thanks RitingFreek! You really helped :D My next chapter will hopefully be out today. I fixed up all my errors, I think i got them all, but inform me if I didn't
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Fri Jun 03, 2011 8:53 pm
Animallovermary says...



Oh wow. That was amazing. Please write another!!!!! Anyway, I really liked it. Keep it up, and you'll go far!
Ps:loved the description!
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Thu Jun 16, 2011 5:46 pm
vanillavampire99 says...



I really liked it! Keep doing what you're doing!
Nisa ~VanillaVampire99
  





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Sat Jun 18, 2011 4:36 pm
Bhayden71297 says...



I think it flowed nicely! Though the chapter was short, it explained alot. :)

Great job, please continue.
-Brie
"None but ourselves can free our minds." ~Bob Marley
  








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