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Watchful



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Fri Jun 10, 2011 2:36 am
polkadottiger2 says...



Prologue
He found her sitting hunched in an alley, bloodied and bruised. She didn't notice as he approached. She didn't protest as he lifted her off of the hard concrete surface below her broken body. She had no fight left in her.
He held her close to his body, surprised by her lightness. What had happened to her? Who would ever be so low as to harm someone so fragile. He wondered how old she was. She couldn't be older then eighteen. He looked down at her closed eyelids. She looked angelic, despite the blood dried on to her face and the scarlet line that dripped from the corner of her lip. He wondered briefly where he would take her. But the answer was obvious. He would take her back to the rest of them and they would decide. They would decide whether or not she was a threat, if she could be trusted. They would decide whether or not she was worth being sent out into the real world. Or if she was bound, like him, to stay here in this nightmare. He wished he could set her free, send her off to the good world. The safe haven that he was so cursed as to never lay eyes on. He almost would have. But he knew they had eyes everywhere, and his penalty would be death.

Chp. 1
The sky was a depressing shade of grey and dark clouds loomed overhead. Gwen squeezed her eyes tightly shut against the sharp wind . If only she could stop working, for only a few moments. If only they would close their eyes as hers were closed now. But she knew thoughts such as this were pointless ones. Things would stay the same as they always had been and if she ever wanted to go to the only place where things would be better, she would have to pay the price. Unfortunately, that was a price she was not willing to pay.
Gwen continued down the street, picking up all of the cans and broken glass left behind from the night before. It wasn't fair. She had missed the party, yet she still had to clean up after it.
Gwen yelped as a piece of sharp glass slit neatly into the palm of her hand. She looked down to examine the damage but was distracted by a dark shape ahead of her. It darted suddenly into the alleyway and out of sight. It wasn't unusual for people to be out in this weather, although it was unusual for someone to be so sneaky. She knew she should probably just continue cleaning but her curiosity got the better of her and she ducked into the alleyway.

Chp. 2
With every step he gained speed. He had to find her. Protect her. Ever since the day when he had found her in the alley he had felt that it was his job to keep her safe. He still felt that it was his fault that she was not off with the “good” people. The special ones. She was truly amazing and he often puzzled over what evil could have been in her that had kept her here. Maybe it was a simple mistake by the Watchful. In the back of his mind he knew that that was not true. They didn't make mistakes. He honestly didn't believe they were human as everyone was made to think.
It didn't take him long to find her. He knew the street that she had been assigned and by some coincidence, it was right next to the alley where he had first found her. He watched her from a distance. At first she just stood there in the wind, her eyes closed tightly. Her dirty blonde hair blew violently around her in the wind. She looked like a goddess. Powerful yet wise. The boy was caught off guard when her aqua eyes popped open. He ducked behind the nearest garbage can just in time. He counted backwards from ten before making a run for the alley. He wanted to see the place he had found her .
He walked straight to the back of the dead end alley. It was his own assignment for the day. He was displeased at its condition. Litter covered the ground and a bloodstain was still left over from the week before. A week. He thought. It had only been a week since he found her. It felt like an eternity. It felt like he had know her forever.
“Gwen.”
He whispered her name into the wind. He was completely unaware of the girl standing behind him. Watching curiously. Wishing she knew why he looked so familiar.

Chp. 3
“How do you know my name?” She asked softly. Barely trusting her own voice. She couldn't help but be afraid. There were some scary people around here, among the leftovers. Gwen watched as the boy turned around, slowly and deliberately. She looked at him expectantly, waiting for his answer. She watched emotions flash through his blue eyes. Surprise, confusion, and something that looked like longing. Than he finally spoke.
“Do you remember this alley?” He asked. His voice was gentle and careful. As if she was a bird that would flee if he made any sudden movements. She wasn't sure what to answer. It did look familiar. She looked around the alleyway and saw the sticky dark patch behind the boy. That's when she remembered. This was the place where she had been attacked, and where this boy had saved her.
“You saved me.” She said imprudently. “...Thank you.” The boy did not answer. He just watched her. He seemed to stare right through her. She suppressed a shiver. “What is your name?”
“Pierce.” He took a step towards her and brought his hand up to her face, wiping away the mud on her cheek. She took a cautious step backwards. She wanted to trust him, she really did. But she had learned that no one could be trusted.
He seemed to understand and he stayed where he was.
“Do you have a place to stay?” He asked, as if nothing had happened at all.
“I've been staying in the square with the others.”
“You must come with me. I have a small cabin just outside the towns border. It has been approved by the Watchful and I'm sure they would allow you to stay with me. It would be one less person for them to take care of.”
Secretly, Gwen was touched by his offer. But instinct and years of being taught never to trust took over.
“I don't need to be taken care of. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.” With that she whipped around and trudged confidently back to the street she had been assigned to clean. She looked in disgust at the mess awaiting her but didn't let it stop her. She started to work at once.

Chp.4
Pierce watched in defeat as she turned her back on him and stormed out of the alley. He had came on to strong. The boy followed slowly, not wanting to scare her off. He knew she had a right to be afraid. That was how everyone was raised these days. To fear. Never to trust. Never to love. To be self reserved. These habits would be hard to break her of.
When he reached the street he saw that she was already back to cleaning. Her bare hands were dripping blood and full of glass and the garbage bag that laid on the ground beside was overflowing with trash that was blowing away just as fast as she could collect it.
He approached her without a sound and began to collect the garbage. He took the glass from her crimson hands and into his callused ones. The job was soon complete, and he heard Gwen sigh in relief. He advanced towards her and took her hands into his own. He ripped off two pieces of fabric from his already ragged shirt and wrapped each of her hands tenderly. He then looked up into her eyes and spoke.
“Will you please reconsider. I mean you no harm. I want only to protect you. I have a plan.”
“A plan for what?”
“For work of course.” He leaned in closer to her as if he was going to kiss her cheek, but instead he whispered into her ear.
“Escape.” The world was simple, but it meant the world. Literally.

Chp.5

Later that night Gwen was sitting in the corner of a small cabin. The place smelled damp and stale but anything was better than the horrid conditions in the square, where she had to sleep on the hard ground surrounded by crying children and angry, potentially dangerous people.
Gwen watched as Pierce hurried from place to place in the house, gathering up supplies and food and organizing things. By the time he was finished she had some kind of fruit in her hand and a pillow and a blanket. Both things that she had only dreamed of having before.
Since they had reached Pierce's home, neither of them had said a word. She wondered if they could hear them here. She hoped not but knew that it was unlikely. Pierce curled up in the middle of the small room, in between her and the door. She wondered if that was purposeful. She knew she shouldn't trust him, yet somehow she felt safer with him guarding the door.
For some reason she had trouble sleeping. She should have had a great sleep, she should have been comfortable and warm with the blankets and pillow. Instead all she could think about were her parents. She assumed they were over in the good world. She still didn't know why she hadn't been able to join them. She missed them.
Gwen sighed and pulled the blanket closer around herself. Pierce rolled over so that he was facing her.
“Can't sleep?” He asked.
“No, can't stop thinking.”
Pierce untangled himself from his blankets and stood up. Gwen sat up and watched him as he pulled on his hikers boots.
“Are you coming?” Gwen looked up at him, confused.
“...Where?”
“For a walk. Anywhere.” He said with a bit of a mischievous grin. She gave him a weary smile.
“What if we are attacked. Or...They find us.”
“They won't.” He sounded confident, like he had done this before. Gwen guessed that he probably had.
“At night they all go home to there huge houses and have tea parties with their little dollies.” Gwen couldn't help but laugh at this. Even though there was a nagging feeling in the back of her head that said they never took breaks.
Gwen stood up slowly and pulled on her old sneakers. They were full of holes and three sizes to small, but still they were better then nothing. Pierce looped his arm through hers as they left his cabin, pulling her closer. She wondered if he did this for safety, or for other reasons.
“Have you ever seen the lake?” Pierce asked. He had a distant look in his eyes and she wondered what he was thinking about. Maybe he was dreaming about the good world. Maybe he was planning something. Escape maybe? Or maybe his thoughts were far less charitable. Maybe he was just dreaming of the lake in which he spoke of.
“No. But I have heard of it. Aren't we banned from it?”
“Yes, but there is a reason for that. The lake is the only place the Watchful cannot get to. As long as we are careful of how we enter, we are safe there.” Gwen thought about this. A place where the Watchful cannot watch. It was definitely appealing. She wasn't easily frightened, but being caught by the watchful was something every person without a death wish feared.
“How do we get in without them seeing? How do we know they aren't listening now?”
“I know this is hard to believe but I have learned a lot about the Watchful. I know this will be hard for you but I need you to trust me.” Gwen was amazed at his boldness. Trust. The one thing she was taught never to do. She had even learned not to trust her own family. She looked over at Pierce with a look of disgust on her face. She saw that he was watching her. She opened her mouth to talk but he stopped her.
“I know its hard. It goes against what you've been taught. But I need you to consider. No one has ever earned there way from this world into the good world. Ever. What do all those people have in common?” He paused for a minute as if expecting an answer but when Gwen didn't give him one, he continued.
“None of them trusted anyone else. When they tried to escape, they worked on their own. If we do this together we might be able to pull it off.”
Gwen considered this. He had a point, working together, they might really be able to escape. She looked him straight in the eye.
“I trust you.”
Last edited by polkadottiger2 on Sat Jun 11, 2011 4:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Fri Jun 10, 2011 11:29 pm
CRL says...



Nice job... with everything. The story itself was excellent, really engaging with a great premise. Your characters are very good as well; through five chapters they develop almost constantly. (I also love your prologue, it's one of my favorite things to do myself and you pulled it off perfectly). The flow is perfect, smooth enough to allow for enjoyable reading and quick enough that no one can get bored. I'm already wondering just who exactly 'the Watchful' are. Really, the only thing I noticed slightly off was completely grammatical and superficial: you have 'there' where you should have 'their' about two or three times. Other than that it was perfect, and please continue!
"They don't have meetings about rainbows."
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Sat Jun 11, 2011 4:26 pm
polkadottiger2 says...



Thank you for the review :) I will edit the "theres"
  





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Tue Jul 05, 2011 3:26 pm
Hannah says...



Hey, Polkadot! :D Haha, so I like this story start. There are a couple of things I think you should consider before going further.

First, whose story is this? Right now I don't see any reason that you have to dip into both of the characters' consciousnesses. For me, neither seems more engaging or necessary. That's firstly a problem of your focus and character development, but also a problem because you spread my attention thin between both of them. I would suggest focusing on Gwen. I'll tell you why, and it leads into my next point.

I REALLY appreciate that you didn't just spend the first chapter explaining everything about what was going on in this world. I like that you start us with people who already know a little bit about it, so we feel like we'll get to know more about it as we go on. This is why I think you should stick with Gwen, because she is new to the world as well. If you've ever read In the Penal Colony by Franz Kafka, think of the explorer. He knows nothing about this machine, so he asks the questions the reader would want to ask and gets the officer to explain the machine to him naturally, without having a narrator explain everything that's going on. You can "use" Gwen in the same way. As she learns about the world, the Watchful, the good place and the bad place, so can the reader.

I would like more information, at some point, though. At the end of this section, I still felt like I had mostly no idea what was going on, what the risk was. I know that there's someone called the Watchful, and that just SOUNDS foreboding, but I'd like to know why. What can they DO to these people? What is the risk, and why should I be worried about the safety of your characters? Maybe every time you dip back into a mention of the world, you can reveal a little more. Not every time, but every so often. We need to know a little more whenever we encounter it again, because we're hungry for that knowledge and if you keep holding it ALL away from us, we might get frustrated, too lost, and quit reading.

One more thing you should think about is the dynamic between Gwen and Pierce. We know that they have to deal with the issues of trust, but where the piece is right now it seems like you've described their mistrust emptily, like "oh, I'm supposed to make them not trust each other or grudgingly trust each other, so I will". Think about WHY they would mistrust each other. Think about why you get a bad feeling about people you pass on the street. What is it about them that makes you want to walk further away from them? What is it about Gwen that makes Pierce want to take care of her? It can't JUST be in her looks, can it? Go further out, consider the people around these characters as more than just props. Maybe Pierce has watched the people around him care of people, create relationships, and he has never had that chance. Maybe he has been talking with someone else who commented on how careless he seems, and he wanted to prove otherwise, and Gwen reminded him of that, so it's like an obligation. Think about the reasons that people do what they do instead of just having them do it.

One more thing, sorry, haha. I am wondering what Pierce's status is in this world? Why does he get a cabin when everyone else is set up in a cold square? What does it mean? How is it organized? We need a little more information, here, like how does Gwen get set up with picking up garbage? Why did she accept it? I'd like to see more about how she gets into this new culture (or was she always there?) and why she accepts it.

Ahh, I think you have enough to think about!
If you have any questions, don't hesitate to PM me. :3
Thanks!

Hannah
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