Young Writers Society

Welcome to my life

I am probably the only person in the history of the entire world that has two best friends that are enemies of each other. I live with both of them. One is named Fang, he’s a werewolf and other is named Dagger, he's a vampire. I have lived with them for seven years in the house my father left me before he died. I had found them both bleeding and lying on the sidewalk one day on my way home. Being a Good Samaritan, I decided to take them in, ever since then they have made their residence with me. While in that time they have constantly fought and argued over who is better and stronger, I'm stuck in the middle as a "Barrier" to keep them from fighting. Oh, by the way, my name is Sophie Thomson.
If you are asking yourself, why don’t you try making them see their differences and make them get along? The answer: Well, the truth is, every day I try to make them see that their differences really don't matter but they don't listen, it just goes in one ear and out the other. They are so stubborn. Sometimes their fighting gets so bad; I worry that one day I may come home and find one or both of them dead. I feel that something bad is going happen. I'm not sure why, but I believe that someday Dagger and Fang will have to forget about their differences and work together to save me from something.... an unknown force...

hi I see you only just joined, so have a massive welcome on the house you'll fit right in.

someone should let you know - and wahey! apparently that's me - that on YWS we have a general rule of thumb that for every one item you post yourself, you try to do 2-3 reviews of other people's, so we all feel loved because reviews are like cupcakes: everyone loves to get one xD

So, here's yours

Almost entirely grammatically perfect and interesting - +1 brownie points for you xD

One is named Fang, he’s a werewolf and other is named Dagger, he's a vampire.

Being a Good Samaritan, I decided to take them in, ever since then they have made their residence with me.

From your perfect use of it in the second half, I know you know when to use a comma, and when to use the semi-colon. So might I suggest that in these two examples the semi-colon might be better? Although maybe not in the first one - I've been thinking about it myself but just something about it wasn't.. perfect. Maybe something like "One is named Fang - he's a werewolf - and the other is named Dagger, and he's a vampire."

And that's it, so I won't be patronising because you know how good your technical skills are xD
My only other comment would be that at first glance this plot idea seemed a little done, what with the explosion in this genre, but by the end I think you've found an original take on it. However, your closing sentence seemed a bit... I don't know... I get that you want to hint at darkness to come, but it seemed a bit obvious to me - I don't think you need to change it necessarily, I'd just rephrase it a bit. Make sure it seems totally original

welcome to YWS ... feel free to leave a link on my profile whenever you next post something

~*cottonrulz*~

Thanks. I am always open to suggestions. My biggest dream is to get a book actually published one day, so I figured a site like this maybe about to help me out.

And By the way, I will edit and make some changes. And thanks again.

Hi,

Good job! It felt like you were speaking directly to me! While I caught a few things, I hardly even recognized them. Almost completely perfect! Good work, and keep writing. Keep on truckin'.

Farewell,
A.