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Adiston Drive - Chapter Two



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Reviews: 35
Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:22 pm
thevoiceinside says...



“Aaiden…” Sarah paused, “Aaiden Trai Hendricks! Answer me!”

The quiet click of a bedroom door opening sounded from atop the stairs. A drowsy, sluggish expression caked Aaiden’s face. He stood now at the top of the staircase, gazing absently. Sarah sighed and put her hand to her forehead.

“We need to leave in ten minutes or you’ll miss your flight. Uncle Randy is waiting for you. You do know what day it is, don’t you?”

Aaiden’s thoughts swam through his head. It hit him like a ton of bricks. Today was the day; the day he was to fly out to Idaho to help his great Uncle Randy on his cattle ranch for the summer. The events of the previous night played over and over in his head. He quickly shoved it out of his head and nodded to his mother. “I’ll be down in a few,” he said glumly, walking back to his bedroom.

Owen, Aaiden’s twin brother sat glued to his laptop at the kitchen bar. Five year old Claire wiggled excitedly on the swivel bar stool, coloring in a My Little Pony coloring book. Chalk dust hovered over the counter top and little bits of broken chalk were scattered in every direction. Sarah Burgley walked into the kitchen, carrying a laundry basket full of neatly folded socks. She gasped at the site before her.

“Owen Lexx! You know Claire isn’t allowed to bring that chalk into the house. Get off that computer and clean this mess up. Claire, go put your chalk outside. You know better.”

“Just a minute, Mom, I’m almost to level 27.” Sarah closed the laptop lid shut, placing it on the kitchen table. “Now.” Owen groaned and helped Claire clean up the chalk.

Thump, thump, thump. A black suede suitcase bellowed down the stairs in a rolling heap.

“I’m ready Mom,” Aaiden announced.

“Good, go put your stuff in the car. I’ll be right there.” She quickly turned to her other two kids. “Claire, you be on your best behavior for your brother. Owen, I’ll be back in a few hours. Make sure she stays in sight and out of things.” Owen nodded as he flipped his laptop back open.

“Where’s my purse? Owen, did you move it? It was here on the counter.”

Outside, the morning air was crisp, that of a sweet summer day in June. Aaiden’s baseball cap sat tilted atop his head, displaying his character. His rustic, torn jeans and sleeveless tee were the icing. Throwing his suitcase in the trunk, he leaned against the side of the 06’ Honda Civic, sipping a Monster energy drink.

Riding up the street on his bicycle was Jesse Kline; a neighbor kid Aaiden knew from his LDS ward. Aaiden nodded to Jesse as his bike came to a stop.

“Where you going?” Jesse questioned, noticing the suitcase in the open trunk.

“Away,” answered Aaiden. Jesse’s clean cut plaid shirt and neatly combed black hair glistened in the light. His face still focused on Aaiden.

“But where?” he asked.

“Idaho, if you must know. I’ll be there all summer. Just working for my uncle.” Jesse’s head bobbed in understanding. A

Aiden rolled his eyes, shutting the trunk.

“Well, see ya,” he replied, riding away on his bike.

Every white line in the center of the road seemed to pass one after the other for eternity. This made the drive to the San Diego Airport all the more longer. Sarah readjusted herself in the driver seat. Neither she nor Aaiden had spoken since they left their home.

“Are you excited to be going, Aaiden?” She asked, abruptly. He stared out the window in solemn silence, not wanting conversation but gave in.

“No…” was his reply.

“Well Uncle Randy and Aunt Kate are very excited for you to come and help out.” Aaiden turned his glance toward his mother.

“Yeah…right,” he paused, “I’m only going there because you think I’m trouble. You’re just trying to get rid of me for the summer so I don’t get arrested.”

“Honey, you know that’s not entirely true. Of course I want you home. But I think you ought to learn a little more responsibility and sort out your priorities. You’ll be a senior this coming year and I just want to know that you’ll make the right choices. I know you don’t hang around,” she laughed, “gangs or anything but the attitude has got to stop.”

Aaiden didn’t say a word. His glance turned toward the window once again. The word “gang” brought back the events of last night. Pete is dead because of him. And there’s nothing he can do now. Gangs are a part of him. Pete was a part of him.

Sarah silently observed her son’s silence. A concerned, motherly look planted in her frown, “I’m sorry Aaiden. I didn’t mean to say that you’re not responsible. Because I know you are. I know the move to the city hasn’t been easy on you. But we couldn’t afford the home that dad had provided. I shouldn’t have said any—”

Aaiden cut her off with a snap, “Stop it! I don’t want to talk.”

(Incomplete)
"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
  





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72 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3376
Reviews: 72
Sun Jun 26, 2011 4:54 pm
tigershark17 says...



Hey "thevoiceinside", how ya doin'? Well, my friend, it appears as through I am first! Yaay! *waves arms excitedly* So, I use the six traits writing system, which basically means I'll list the six and tell you how you did on each, including a rating from 1-6 for each trait. (Six is high, one is low) So, let's get this party started!

Ideas: Excellent. Clear, focused, and very compelling story. Held my attention right to the end. 6

Oganization: Good structure, excellent beginning, and a well rounded end. 5.5

Voice: Very good. Original, very "sharing", expressive and sincere. 5.5

Word Choice: Functional, clear language, easy to understand, some eye catching phrases and some strong verbs here and there. 4.5

Sentence Fluency: Very good. Easy to read and understand, some variety in sentence length but not much in style. Excellent flow, however, and good rhythm. 4

Conventions: Very few grammatical errors; a few puntuational, but nothing major.5

Overall, a great read. Very interesting, and though realistic, entertaining as well. It has a dreary side, which I love, and you did it very well. Great job and keep writing!
Behind every impossible achievement is a dreamer of impossible dreams.
--Robert Greenleaf
  





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Reviews: 229
Sun Jun 26, 2011 10:04 pm
TheTruthLiesWithin says...



Happy review day to you :) I'm Truth and I shall review this chapter of yours today.
First I want to point out that your novel isn't linked together... and if I would have wanted to read the first chapter to situate myself in your story and review, then I can't. You might want to keep them together under a novel so that people can access them easily. If you need any help with that, you can ask a Mod, they'll be happy to help :)

Alright so onto the review! (I'll quote the whole thing so it's easier to comment and for you to find exactly what I'm talking about )
thevoiceinside wrote:“Aaiden…” Sarah paused, “Aaiden Trai Hendricks! Answer me!”

The quiet click of a bedroom door opening sounded from atop the stairs. A drowsy, sluggish expression caked Aaiden’s face. He stood now at the top of the staircase, gazing absently. Sarah sighed and put her hand to her forehead.

“We need to leave in ten minutes or you’ll miss your flight. Uncle Randy is waiting for you. You do know what day it is, don’t you?”

Aaiden’s thoughts swam through his head. It hit him like a ton of bricks. Today was the day; the day he was to fly out to Idaho to help his great Uncle Randy on his cattle ranch for the summer. The events of the previous night played over and over in his head. He quickly shoved it out of his head and nodded to his mother. “I’ll be down in a few,” he said glumly, walking back to his bedroom.

Owen, Aaiden’s twin brother sat glued to his laptop at the kitchen bar. Five year old Claire wiggled excitedly on the swivel bar stool, coloring in a My Little Pony coloring book. Chalk dust hovered over the counter top and little bits of broken chalk were scattered in every direction. Sarah Burgley walked into the kitchen, carrying a laundry basket full of neatly folded socks. She gasped at the sight before her. site vs sight... homophones that don't mean the same thing, and I'm pretty sure you meant to right sight, as in what she is seeing, not a site as in a location

“Owen Lexx! You know Claire isn’t allowed to bring that chalk into the house. Get off that computer and clean this mess up. Claire, go put your chalk outside. You know better.”

“Just a minute, Mom, I’m almost to level 27.” Sarah closed the laptop lid shut, placing it on the kitchen table. “Now.” Owen groaned and helped Claire clean up the chalk.

Thump, thump, thump. A black suede suitcase bellowed down the stairs in a rolling heap.

“I’m ready Mom,” Aaiden announced.

“Good, go put your stuff in the car. I’ll be right there.” She quickly turned to her other two kids, comma “Claire, you be on your best behavior for your brother. Owen, I’ll be back in a few hours. Make sure she stays in sight and out of things.” Owen nodded as he flipped his laptop back open.

“Where’s my purse? Owen, did you move it? It was here on the counter.”

Outside, the morning air was crisp, that of a sweet summer day in June. Aaiden’s baseball cap sat tilted atop his head, displaying his character. His rustic, torn jeans and sleeveless tee were the icing. Throwing his suitcase in the trunk, he leaned against the side of the 06’ Honda Civic, sipping a Monster energy drink.

Riding up the street on his bicycle was Jesse Kline; a neighbor kid Aaiden knew from his LDS ward. Aaiden nodded to Jesse as his bike came to a stop.

“Where you going?” Jesse questioned, noticing the suitcase in the open trunk.

“Away,” answered Aaiden. Jesse’s clean cut plaid shirt and neatly combed black hair glistened in the light. His face eyes? still focused on Aaiden.

“But where?” he asked.

“Idaho, if you must know. I’ll be there all summer. Just working for my uncle.” Jesse’s head bobbed in understanding. A? Random 'a'...

Aiden rolled his eyes, shutting the trunk.

“Well, see ya,” he replied, riding away on his bike. Boys will be boys, eh?

Every white line in the center of the road seemed to pass one after the other for eternity. This made the drive to the San Diego Airport all the more longer. Sarah readjusted herself in the driver seat. Neither she nor Aaiden had spoken since they left their home.

“Are you excited to be going, Aaiden?” She asked, abruptly. He stared out the window in solemn silence, not wanting conversation but gave in.

“No…” was his reply.

“Well Uncle Randy and Aunt Kate are very excited for you to come and help out.” Aaiden turned his glance toward his mother.

“Yeah…right,” he paused, “I’m only going there because you think I’m trouble. You’re just trying to get rid of me for the summer so I don’t get arrested.”

“Honey, you know that’s not entirely true. Of course I want you home. But I think you ought to learn a little more responsibility and sort out your priorities. You’ll be a senior this coming year and I just want to know that you’ll make the right choices. I know you don’t hang around...” she laughed, “gangs or anything but the attitude has got to stop.”

Aaiden didn’t say a word. His glance turned toward the window once again. The word “gang” brought back the events of last night. Pete was dead because of him. And there was nothing he could do now. Gangs were a part of him. Pete was a part of him. -> "And so was Pete" I feel it would sound better that way. And be sure to keep in the past tense

Sarah silently observed her son’s silence. A concerned, motherly look planted in her frown, “I’m sorry Aaiden. I didn’t mean to say that you’re not responsible. Because I know you are. I know the move to the city hasn’t been easy on you. But we couldn’t afford the home that Dad had provided. I shouldn’t have said any—” Pronouns such as Mom and Dad not employed possessively, should be capitalized.

Aaiden cut her off with a snap, “Stop it! I don’t want to talk.”

(Incomplete)


I really like your style of writing, it's really nice. The story looks pretty nice from what you've written, though it seems a little cliché, I'm confident you'll add your own twist in there :) Keep on writing, and let me know when the rest comes out, I'd love to keep on reading this and reviewing if you'd like :)

-Truth-
.- <3 -.
  








It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
— W. Edwards Deming