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Bloodlines #1: Chapter 1



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Gender: Male
Points: 773
Reviews: 12
Sun Jul 03, 2011 8:20 am
koinu160 says...



Chapter 1 - Welcome to My World

I shot up in bed, screaming, sweat dripping down my forehead and into my eyes.

“Oh my god” I cried out as I gasped for air, trying really hard for me not to have another panic attack.

At the same time the door to my room burst open and a dark silhouette glided across my floor towards me.

“No!!!” I screamed as I kicked off my covers and tried to make a dash for the door.

But the shadow was much faster and before I could even get halfway to safety, it grabbed me and pinned me to the floor.

“Get off of me!” I growled as I struggled to wrestle the shadow off of me “get off!”

“Troy!” it yelled into my ear “get a hold of yourself and shut up! You’re gonna wake up Mom and Dad.”

I froze and blinked. The voice of my twin brother brought me out of my dream-like haze and back to reality.

“Xavier...” I mumbled groggily.

“Yeah” he replied slowly releasing me for the sleeper hold I was in. “You okay?”

“I’ll be fine” I replied as I groaned and lifted myself to my feet and stretched “sorry about that.”

“This is the third time this week” he said brushing himself off and looking at me in the darkness “what’s going on with you?”

“Nothing” I lied “it was just a nightmare. You can go back to bed now”.

“You sure?” he asked his shadowed eyes full of concern.

“Yeah” I said quickly “I’ll be fine. Go back to bed”

He gave me one last look before grunting and calmly walked out of my room and back into his own.

I took this moment to close my door and walk to my mirror where my reflection stood waiting, staring back at me with steel gray eyes that pierced many a soul. My short messy brown hair fell in front of my tanned face down to my slim but muscled shoulders. Thank you P.E.

The small black star shaped birthmark on the back of my left hand seemed to glow in the dim light as I watched own my reflection, silently hoping that today would be somewhat normal. As if.

I shrugged off my dream and made my way to my dresser pulling out my favorite gray shirt, boxers, and blue jeans; readying myself for a much needed shower. I was halfway across my room when I heard a the sound of a door creaking. Xavier, you wannabe ninja.

I was a blur as I almost sprinted across my room and yanked the door open, making a mad dash towards the bathroom, the only thing that me and my brothers shared, hoping to beat my twin to the door.

I was within arms length of the door knob when Xavier barreled down the hallway and slammed into me. His weight plus the added pounds of muscle almost literally knocked me across hallway as my twin brother gave a laugh before sliding into the bathroom.

“Cheeky bastard,” I muttered loudly as I walked down the hallway and towards the guest bathroom.

Even though Xavier and I are twins we grew different as we got older not only physically but mentally. Aside from the hair and the eyes there was nothing else that was similar about us.

He was more muscular than I was due to the fact that he was the wide receiver for our school’s football team. He was into hanging out with the cheerleaders and his girlfriend while showing off his “rippling muscles” as he called them.

I on the other hand was the slimmer one. I was a runner for our school and had lean muscle so as not to slow me down on the track. I liked chilling with my friends and having fun doing other things that didn’t involving showing off. But I’m not saying that I didn’t do it occasionally.

Anyways, I walked up to the guest bathroom and was reaching forward to turn the knob when a voice rang out through the air.

“Troy Sebastian Angel!!,” yelled my mom’s sharp voice from downstairs. “Don’t you dare use the guest bathroom, it is not your personal fallback if your brother beats you to the shower!”

“But Mom,” I groaned tossing aside the fact that she used my full name (something she only does when she is trying to make a point).

“Don’t ‘but mom’ me mister,” she yelled back “wait your turn to shower or don’t shower at all. It’s your choice”.

I groaned but yelled back a quick “okay” before trudging back to my room.

This sort of thing happens all the time around my house and didn’t surprise me. Hell; I think that my mom spends so much time here, that she and the house have become one. But that is my own theory.

The bathroom door opened (pulling me out of my thoughts) and Xavier walked out toweling his hair off with an extra towel. He’s such a waste sometimes. I didn’t even flinch as I sprinted back down the hall and into the bathroom.

I kicked the door closed and started the shower which thankfully still had hot water left over. In seconds I was under the stream. I closed my eyes and let the water roll across my back and through my hair. But the bloody images of my dream came back to me and I quickly opened my eyes.

“Troy!” yelled a voice on the other side of the door as a fist pounded on the wood “some of us would like to use the hot water before it is all gone thank you”.

I cursed under my breath, flipped off the shower, and quickly toweled off before opening the door and narrowing my eyes at my younger brother Conner.

Conner (unlike me and Xavier) had gotten dad’s genes. He a 5’6 middle school student but was often mistaken for someone in high school due to his curly black hair, icy light blue eyes, and adult like attitude. But thankfully for me and Xavier he was younger than us and because of that we got to boss him around a lot. Yay for us.

“What do you want shrimp?” I growled with a smirk on my face

“To use the shower sometime before Christmas,” he answered back coldly before he pushed past me and slamming the door shut.

I stood in the hallway with a shocked look on my face. Did I just get powned by my booger of a brother.

“No,” I thought shaking my head and silencing my thoughts “you did not get powned cause you can get him later”

I walked back into my room and before I knew it I was standing in front of my dresser. I opened the drawers and pulled out my favorite gray Element t-shirt and a pair of wore blue jeans. I pulled on a pair of boxers and pulled on the shirt and jeans. I pulled on my socks and walked towards my door grabbing my backpack on the way out of my room.

I scrambled down the stairs and into the kitchen where Mom and Xavier sitting at the dinning room table talking quietly. They both smiled at me as I walked in and continued their conversation.

“Morning,” I said as the smell of pancakes drifted past my nose causing my stomach to growl loudly.

“Hungry?” asked my mom as she stood up and crossed the room, straightening out her white and red apron.

“I am” said Conner as he sprinted down the stairs and slid into his seat.

“I second that,” said a voice as my dad walked into the room and gave my mom a quick peck on the lips.

Both of my parents usually looked way younger than they were (they’re both forty-nine) and that prompted some confusion especially at parent teacher. But the never failed to act like parents; giving the long drawn on rants, the life lessons in odd stories, and all the emotional glances other parents gave there kids. Just in a condensed and not so annoying fashion.

Anthony Angel (a.k.a Dad) was a muscular man and at 5’6, 200 lbs of muscle, I stood only a few inches taller than him. Even though he made it clear that he’d beat me down no matter what height I was (and trust me I’m sure he could). He had tanned skin and black hair that was slowly being invaded by streaks of gray (brought on by his crazy children). The ends of his hair fell to his forehead and in front of a pair of light blue eyes. He was always calm unless you pissed him off, then all of hell couldn’t stop the wrath of my dad.

Elizabeth Angel (a.k.a Mom) on the other hand was a gorgeous woman. She was 5’5 and petite but with all of the self defense classes that she took I was pretty sure she could take down anyone who so much as looked at her wrong. She, like my dad, had tanned skin but she was a brunette and had long locks of wavy brown hair that fell to her shoulder blades and in front of her face, where a pair of gray eyes sat watching. Always watching. She was cool as ice but if anyone threatened her family she immediately turned into mother bear and trust me, you did want to be in her way when that happened.

“Eat fast boys,” said Dad quickly as he slid three white plates towering with pancakes across the oak finish of the table to each of us “you all need to get to school on time. And I need to get to work”

“You have some time dear,” said Mom as she gave Dad a fiery glance and pushed him into a stool at the counter closest to the stove.

I turned my attention back to plate of pancakes. Those golden brown pancakes. Which were dripping with thick maple syrup. YUM. I couldn’t stop myself from lifting my fork and stabbing the small tower through the center and shoving as many as I could into my mouth (which incidentally was half the stack) and began to chew.

“So good,” I said my mouth full of fluffy goodness making the sentence sound extremely incoherent.

My brothers nodded and drowned their pancakes further in syrup. I was beginning the other half when my eyes wandered up to the clock hanging above the refrigerator and I swear I almost choked right then.

“7:30!” I spit loudly causing everyone’s eyes to zoom towards the clock “holy crap I’m late. The guys are expecting me at the park in five minutes”.

I shot from my seat (shoving the rest of the pancakes in my mouth) and sprinted up the steps towards my room.

I moved faster than even I thought was possible for myself, yanking my backpack and sprinted back downstairs.

Dad smiled as he and I butted fists and then hugged (our little way of showing love for one another). “Have a good day of school”

“And be safe,” added Mom as she leaned over and kissed my cheek “I’ll see you at lunch time”.

I nodded and waved goodbye to my brothers before running to the front door, slipping on my shiny aqua blue Oxelo shoes on, before dashing out the front door. I ran down the front walk and out the white picket fence. I only stopped to tap the small gray button on the back of shoes. In the blink of an eye, the bottoms of my shoes snapped open causing two wheels to pop out. Instantly turning my shoes into a pair of in-line skates.

I couldn’t help but smile as I skated down Manchester towards the park, where my friends were waiting. And with a few minutes left, I was bound to be late to meet them. What a horrible way to start the week.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1215
Reviews: 4
Sun Jul 03, 2011 1:23 pm
Tish1206 says...



I shot up in bed, screaming, sweat dripping down my forehead and into my eyes.

“Oh my god," I cried out as I gasped for air, trying really hard for me not to have another panic attack. (The OMG need's punctuating, not sure if it actually needs it to be correct, but it looks much better with a comma, or maybe even an exclamation mark. No punctuation meant that the OMG didn't really stand out to me, so it didn't have much of an effect on me as a reader :))

At the same time the door to my room burst open and a dark silhouette glided across my floor towards me.

“No!(Only use one exclamation mark. Too many reduces the affect on the reader) I screamed as I kicked off my covers and tried to make a dash for the door.

(The 'but' you started in really removed me from the story, I think you should start this sentence with 'The shadow...) The shadow was much faster (Much faster than what? I think it'd be cleared if you added 'than I') and before I could even get halfway to safety, it grabbed me and pinned me to the floor.

“Get off of me!” I growled as I struggled to wrestle the shadow off, "get off!” (In my opinion, a comma before the next piece of dialogue ties it together more, if that makes sense? But it's your choice! :))


“Troy!(At this point, the exclamation mark had no effect on me anymore because it's been used so much. Don't forget, after the dialogue you've wrote 'it yelled', so it's obvious to the reader that it's yelled... so in my opinion an exclamation mark isn't needed. The less you use them, the more effective they are:)) it yelled into my ear, “get a hold of yourself and shut up! You’re gonna wake up Mom and Dad.”

I froze and blinked. The voice of my twin brother brought me out of my dream-like haze and back to reality. (I love this sentence!)

“Xavier...” I mumbled groggily.

“Yeah,” he replied slowly (Try to use less adverbs in your work, look online for alternatives :) It sounds like it has no effect on your work but once I removed all of the adverbs in mine it was a much, much sharper piece) releasing me for the sleeper hold I was in. “You okay?”

“I’ll be fine” I replied as I groaned and lifted myself to my feet and stretched, “sorry about that.”

“This is the third time this week,” he said brushing himself off and looking at me in the darkness.

What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing,” I lied “It was just a nightmare. You can go back to bed now”.

“You sure?” he asked, his shadowed eyes full of concern.

“Yeah,” I said quickly “I’ll be fine. Go back to bed.

He gave me one last look before grunting and, then he calmly walked out of my room and back into his own.

I took this moment to close my door and walk to my mirror where my reflection stood waiting, staring back at me with steel gray eyes that pierced many a soul. My short messy brown hair fell in front of my tanned face down to my slim but muscled shoulders. Thank you P.E.

The small black star shaped birthmark on the back of my left hand seemed to glow in the dim light as I watched my own reflection, silently hoping that today would be somewhat normal. As if.

I shrugged off my dream and made my way to my dresser pulling out my favorite gray shirt, boxers, and blue jeans; readying myself for a much needed shower. I was halfway across my room when I heard a the sound of a door creaking. Xavier, you wannabe ninja. (I love this sentence too :D)

I was a blur as I almost sprinted across my room and yanked the door open, making a mad dash towards the bathroom, the only thing that me and my brothers shared, hoping to beat my twin to the door.

I was within arms length of the door knob when Xavier barreled down the hallway and slammed into me. His weight plus the added pounds of muscle almost literally knocked me across (the?) hallway as my twin brother gave a laugh before sliding into the bathroom.

“Cheeky bastard,” I muttered loudly as I walked down the hallway and towards the guest bathroom.

Even though Xavier and I are twins we grew different as we got older. Not only physically but mentally. (I thought this sentence had too much going on, I think it'd be better as two separate sentences.) Aside from the hair and the eyes there was nothing else that was similar about us.

He was more muscular than I was due to the fact that he was the wide receiver for our school’s football team. He was into hanging out with the cheerleaders and his girlfriend while showing off his “rippling muscles” as he called them.

I on the other hand was the slimmer one. I was a runner for our school and had lean muscle so as not to slow me down on the track. I liked chilling with my friends and having fun doing other things that didn’t involving showing off. But I’m not saying that I didn’t do it occasionally.

Anyways, I walked up to the guest bathroom and was reaching forward to turn the knob when a voice rang out through the air.

“Troy Sebastian Angel!!,” yelled my mom’s sharp voice from downstairs. “Don’t you dare use the guest bathroom, it is not your personal fallback if your brother beats you to the shower!”

“But Mom,” I groaned tossing aside the fact that she used my full name (something she only does when she is trying to make a point).

“Don’t ‘but mom’ me mister,” she yelled back “wait your turn to shower or don’t shower at all. It’s your choice”.

I groaned but yelled back a quick “okay” before trudging back to my room.

This sort of thing happens all the time around my house and didn’t surprise me. Hell; I think that my mom spends so much time here, that she and the house have become one. But that is my own theory.

The bathroom door opened (pulling me out of my thoughts) and Xavier walked out toweling his hair off with an extra towel. He’s such a waste sometimes. I didn’t even flinch as I sprinted back down the hall and into the bathroom.

I kicked the door closed and started the shower which thankfully still had hot water left over. In seconds I was under the stream. I closed my eyes and let the water roll across my back and through my hair. But the bloody images of my dream came back to me and I quickly opened my eyes.

“Troy!” yelled a voice on the other side of the door as a fist pounded on the wood “some of us would like to use the hot water before it is all gone thank you”.

I cursed under my breath, flipped off the shower, and quickly toweled off before opening the door and narrowing my eyes at my younger brother Conner.

Conner (unlike me and Xavier,) had gotten dad’s genes. He a (He's a?) 5’6 middle school student, but he was often mistaken for someone in high school due to his curly black hair, icy light blue eyes, and adult like (maybe change to mature?) attitude. Thankfully [color=#8040BF](the But sounds awkward) for me and Xavier (I'd remove the for me and Xavier part, it's unneeded info)[/color] he was younger than us and because of that (change to 'so' maybe?) we got to boss him around a lot. Yay for us.

“What do you want shrimp?” I growled with a smirk on my face

“To use the shower sometime before Christmas,” he answered back coldly before he pushed past me and slamming (you changed tense mid sentence, should be slammed.) the door shut.

I stood in the hallway with a shocked look on my face. Did I just get powned by my booger of a brother?

“No,” I thought shaking my head and silencing my thoughts, “you did not get powned cause you can get him later.

I walked back into my room and before I knew it I was standing (Unneeded. I'd just write 'I walked back into my room and stood in front of my dresser) in front of my dresser. I opened the drawers and pulled out my favorite gray Element t-shirt and a pair of worn blue jeans. I pulled on a pair of boxers and pulled (you've used pulled twice in the same sentence, check a thesaurus for another word. Not needed but it would make the sentence sound better.) on the shirt and jeans. I pulled on my socks and walked towards my door grabbing my backpack on the way out of my room.

I scrambled down the stairs and into the kitchen where Mom and Xavier sitting at the dinning room table talking quietly. They both smiled at me as I walked in and continued their conversation.

“Morning,” I said as the smell of pancakes drifted past my nose causing my stomach to growl loudly. (Use less adverbs. Loudly isn't even needed, we know that the stomach is growling so we already assume it's loud :D)

“Hungry?” asked my mom as she stood up and crossed the room, straightening out her white and red apron.

“I am,” said Conner as he sprinted down the stairs and slid into his seat.

“I second that,” said a voice as my dad walked into the room and gave my mom a quick peck on the lips.

Both of my parents usually looked way younger than they were (they’re both forty-nine) and that prompted some confusion especially at parent teacher (This need's to be a little clearer. It kind of makes sense to me, I'm guessing it's like a parent's evening sort of thing, but other people that aren't familiar with school things (maybe older people) or people from another country might not get this. You don't need to explain it, just think of a better word :D). But they never failed to act like parents; giving the long drawn on rants, the life lessons in odd stories, and all the emotional glances other parents gave there kids. Just in a condensed and not so annoying fashion.

Anthony Angel (a.k.a Dad) was a muscular man and at 5’6, 200 lbs of muscle, I stood only a few inches taller than him. Even though he made it clear that he’d beat me down no matter what height I was (and trust me I’m sure he could). He had tanned skin and black hair that was slowly being invaded by streaks of gray (brought on by his crazy children). The ends of his hair fell to his forehead and in front of a pair of light blue eyes. He was always calm unless you pissed him off, (I know what you mean, but you need to find a better way to explain this. Most people are calm unless provoked :D) then all of hell couldn’t stop the wrath of my dad.

Elizabeth Angel (a.k.a Mom) on the other hand was a gorgeous woman. She was 5’5 and petite but with all of the self defense classes that she took I was pretty sure she could take down anyone who so much as looked at her wrong. She, like my dad, had tanned skin but she was a brunette and had long locks of wavy brown hair that fell to her shoulder blades and in front of her face, where a pair of gray eyes sat watching. Always watching. She was cool as ice but if anyone threatened her family she immediately turned into mother bear and trust me, you did want to be in her way when that happened. (There's nothing particularly wrong with this, I just don't like how much describing you've done of the characters. I think it's better when tiny bits of info are added into the story in segments, so you learn about the character a bit at a time instead of all at once. Right now, I don't need to know about their ages or their classes, or even what they look like. When I first read, I want to know their personality, then you can add in description. For example when your male lead has a shower, you could describe his hair falling in his face, then we'd know his hair colour. You could compare his height to something, and then we'd know how tall he is. Long description paragraphs make me skip :D)

“Eat fast boys,” said Dad quickly as he slid three white plates towering with pancakes across the oak finish of the table to each of us “you all need to get to school on time. And I need to get to work”

“You have some time dear,” said Mom as she gave Dad a fiery glance and pushed him into a stool at the counter closest to the stove.

I turned my attention back to plate of pancakes. Those golden brown pancakes. Which were dripping with thick maple syrup. YUM. I couldn’t stop myself from lifting my fork and stabbing the small tower through the center and shoving as many as I could into my mouth (which incidentally was half the stack) and began to chew.

“So good,” I said my mouth full of fluffy goodness making the sentence sound extremely incoherent.

My brothers nodded and drowned their pancakes further in syrup. I was beginning the other half when my eyes wandered up to the clock hanging above the refrigerator and I swear I almost choked right then.

“7:30!” I spit loudly causing everyone’s eyes to zoom towards the clock “holy crap I’m late. The guys are expecting me at the park in five minutes”.

I shot from my seat (shoving the rest of the pancakes in my mouth) and sprinted up the steps towards my room.

I moved faster than even I thought was possible for myself (the coloured words aren't really needed), yanking my backpack and sprinted back downstairs.

Dad smiled as he and I butted fists and then hugged (our little way of showing love for one another). “Have a good day of school”

“And be safe,” added Mom as she leaned over and kissed my cheek “I’ll see you at lunch time”.

I nodded and waved goodbye to my brothers before running to the front door, slipping on my shiny aqua blue Oxelo shoes on, before dashing out the front door. I ran down the front walk and out the white picket fence. I only stopped to tap the small gray button on the back of shoes. In the blink of an eye, the bottoms of my shoes snapped open causing two wheels to pop out. Instantly turning my shoes into a pair of in-line skates.

I couldn’t help but smile as I skated down Manchester towards the park, where my friends were waiting. And with a few minutes left, I was bound to be late to meet them. What a horrible way to start the week.

Overall I like this piece, but it need's a lot of work to be great. First, I'd make some of the changes I suggested, then go find all the adverbs and change/remove them. Add character description sparingly, and only when needed, and then I'd also go and remove unnecessary information. Jobs for example, I don't need to know them. If it's important in your story, add it later on :) You need a catchy action filled first chapter.Some of my corrections are probably wrong, but still, hope I helped somewhat! Good luck!
“Write to be understood, speak to be heard, read to grow..."
Lawrence Clark Powell.
  





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31 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 403
Reviews: 31
Thu Aug 04, 2011 4:05 am
FadingBrighter says...



Your story sounds very interesting, i love the whole warrior thing and the fact that it's from the point of view of a boy. Here are some things I had problems with:
“Oh my god” I cried out as I gasped for air, trying really hard for me not to have another panic attack." Lose the me. also, don't be afraid! I know exclamation marks are a big leap from periods but...

“I’ll be fine” I replied as I groaned and lifted myself to my feet and stretched “sorry about that.”This sentence is just one of many that is a whole mess of sloppy. You NEED to add in some commas and periods. Also, try saying 'i groaned in reply' rather than 'I replied as i groaned' and lose some of your 'and's.

"He gave me one last look before grunting and calmly walked out of my room and back into his own."You changed tense on me there. change walked to walking, pleas. And also, lose the 'and's! thats what commas are for!

"I took this moment to close my door and walk to my mirror where my reflection stood waiting, staring back at me with steel gray eyes that pierced many a soul. My short messy brown hair fell in front of my tanned face down to my slim but muscled shoulders. Thank you P.E."Once again, very sloppy, please, please do not use 'pierced many a soul. it's not grammatically correct and it doesn't contain the description I think your looking for. Try: ... steel grey eyes that stared back, seeming to look straight through me. Throughout the entire story you are using the wrong descriptive language for your point of view. Try writing in third person, and the description you are using will fit.

"I was a blur as I almost sprinted across my room and yanked the door open, making a mad dash towards the bathroom, the only thing that me and my brothers shared, hoping to beat my twin to the door." This is some very sloppy handy work. First, you cannot say 'i was a blur' because the character is not viewing his own movements. This would fit in third person, but not first. Second, do not say 'i almost sprinted' say 'i nearly sprinted'. Here is the sentence edited:
I nearly sprinted across my room, yanking the door open and making a mad dash to my bathroom-the only thing my brothers and I shared-hoping to beat my twin. TADA!
“Omnia mutantur, nihil interit (everything changes, nothing perishes).”
― Ovid, Metamorphoses
  








I'm also not sure why but even though I normally wear cool tones I have a feeling red would have been my color in the 1860s.
— Elinor