Young Writers Society

I ran through the trees, not knowing I could run so fast. Thoughts raced through my head. I think they were my thoughts even though I didn't know what they meant. I have to get away, I have to get away was all I could think. The question is who, or what, was I running from. I shuddered at the thought of a big, scary creature bearing down on me. With that image flashing through my mind I didn't see a rock that was in my way. I hit it, hard. I fell to the ground gasping at the pain. That's when I saw them. It wasn't the 3 eyed, mammoth sized beasts I was expecting but men that seemed familiar to me. I couldn't put names on them because, they had no faces. Just blank dark skin, like mine, staring down at me. They all had black hair and were holding an assortment of weapons, Bow and arrows, spears, and daggers. All, of course, pointed at me. I scrambled to my feet wincing when I put weight on my throbbing ankle.

"What do you want?" I yelled at them. They took a few steps toward me and I backed up. I didn't get an answer from their mouth less faces, "Answer me! Why are you chasing me?" I cried. I backed up into a tree.

All I could hear from the strange figures, or at least I think it was them, who knows they had no mouth, was, "Sacrifice, spring is coming, it is time for sacrifice."

I tried to run but, the tree blocked my path and it seemed like I, and only I, was in slow motion. The others seemed to have put on high speed because, before I knew it, they were on me. I was engulfed in darkness. The only thing that made me sure I was still alive was the sound of a distant scream, which, I realized was my own as I plummeted into darkness.



I woke up, gasping for air, I looked around rapidly. I sighed, No faceless men out to get me. "I must have fallen asleep again," I mumbled to my golden retriever, Aztec. Aztec lifted his head and barked in agreement. I looked around I was sitting under my favorite palm tree, just on the outskirts of the civilization. I watched as the ocean waves lapped up to my feet. Just making it far enough to give me some wet sand to draw in. Looking down I saw some drawings in the sand. That's right I thought, smiling to myself I was drawing up my new story. I've been working really hard lately on making up a new story.

"This one must be the best yet!" I exclaimed to Aztec. It's about a girl and a brave knight that bravely fights for her honor no matter how ferocious the enemy may be. I was busy drawing some of the beasts when I fell asleep. I laughed as I started to draw in the sand. The next drawing was going to be a dragon, one of my favorite things to draw.

"How can they say that?" I heard someone behind me scream. I slightly turned my head to see an older boy coming towards my tree. He seemed to not have noticed me. The boy was holding some makeshift daggers, what he was throwing at random things. Suddenly, he threw a dagger towards my tree. I squealed and covered my eyes as it went into the center of the other side of the tree.

The boy paused, spotting me. ", I'm so sorry are you alright"He said while rushing over to me. "I didn't see you there." He crouched down to meet my eye level.

"No! I'm okay!"I said. I tried to move so he couldn't see my pictures but, he had already spotted them. I could feel beads of sweat forming on the back of my head. I've never shown anyone my pictures before and I wasn't planning on starting now.

"I'm sorry if I shocked you," he said shifting his eyes towards my half finished dragon drawing," That's a pretty good picture," He snickered," For a girl."

"Hey! what's that supposed to mean!" I said to him.

"Nothing just trying to start a conversation," He said,"but they really are good."

"Thank you,"I said quietly, blushing.

He sat down, "My name is Kenich Ahua," he said, writing it out in the sand," May I be blessed to know yours?"

"Ix Chel," I said writing it below his.

"Well, Ix Chel," he said holding out his hand for a handshake. I took it and we shook hands," Please to make your acquaintance."

We talked the rest of day and we promised to meet up again the next day under the palm tree but, he never showed. I later learned that his dad was fighting in the war with my dad and his mother was gravely ill, leaving him and his twin sister, Ix Tab, to tend to the house and there 5 younger siblings. I never really saw that boy until a few months later when, I learned I was to be sacrificed.

This is Great!!

Holy crap! That was awesome.

Your writing skills were really good. You pretty much explained how any person would feel if they are running from something scary. I felt it, because I think that would be a normal way of thinking from anyone.

Really liked your story it kept me into it because I had no idea what would happen next.

Only thing I would correct ( I am actually not that good in grammar)

I squealed and covered my eyes

but in this part I would change maybe the squealed to flinch. I do not know why but for me squealed just doesn't fit there for me.

If someone thinks I am wrong please correct me.

Also one more thing, I do not know if you want to change this but I think the main character should react a bit more when a blade flys at her. I think that maybe you should have made her a bit shocked and angry. I mean after all wouldnt we react like that if we are couple inches away from death?

Grammar & Writing: 10/10
Plot & Theme: 10/ 10

Thanks both of you.
I'll defintly take in those suggestions. Thanks for the help.

Hey hew,

Lots of good things going on--I like the action scene in the beginning and I'm interested in the main character. I also like that we see her meet someone new, because that helps us to get to know her better. We can see how she reacts to a new person, and it makes a nice contrast to seeing her by herself. I also find her easy to relate to. And the romantic possibility also pulled me in (oh, my girlish heart). After I finished, I was interested in reading more, so that's awesome.

However, I actually did not realize that the narrator was a girl until we see that guy (at which point I was only suspicious) and she squeals (when I knew for certain). So maybe signal that in some little details.

Also, the shift from the dream/vision to her waking life was unclear. I didn't know what was going on until she said she'd been writing a story, and then I thought the action scene was part of her story, but now I think it was a dream, only the end seems to hint it was actually a vision. While you don't have to come out and tell us what the action scene was, it would be helpful to make the shift from dream to reality clearer. (The scene shift was clear--just not the shift to reality.)

For a minor but persistent detail, you might go back and comb through the punctuation. You may be surprised at how much of a difference good punctuation can make. (I kept itching to change things, because the story was so good, and this is such an easy detail--it seems a shame not to fix it.)

Lastly, the ending is rushed and not at the same level of quality in writing as the beginning. Instead of blurting out all those details, spend some time, make things more subtle. Make this more of a teaser, I guess, and let things unfold at their own pace.

Keep writing and you will keep improving. Good luck with revisions!