z

Young Writers Society


Hunted ch. 9



User avatar
374 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1147
Reviews: 374
Sat Jul 09, 2011 3:09 am
tgirly says...



We head towards a Burger King, swiping someone's wallet on the way. I hold the door open for Mitch. She rolls her eyes and walks in. Then, she jumps out.
"We can't go in there," she says.
"Why not?" I ask.
"See those people over there?" She points at a table on the other side of the restaurant, "They don't like me." I recognize Them.
"They don't like me either," I say.
"Why don't They like you?" she asks.
"Why don't They like you?" I ask.
"They're watching us," Aya says, pointing to some people on the other side of the street. They're striding towards us.
"Maybe we should talk about this later," Silas says, "like when we're not in mortal paral?"
"Yeah," I say. There's not a large crowd to dissapear into, nor a dark alleyway near to get lost in.
"We have a car," Mitch says.
"How'd you get a car?" I ask.
"We bought it," she says, "online. Silas is pretty good with computers."
"Which way?" Charlie asks.
"I'll show you," Mitch says, and begins to walk down the sidewalk, quickly but not conspicuously. I glance over my shoulder as I follow Mitch. They're running now.
"Move!" I yell and we brake into a run, full speed. Mitch is still at the front of the pack, but Alina's close to her heels. I'm keeping pace with Charlie, and Silas is staying by Aya, behind us. I can feel the adrenaline in my veins and hear the blood in my ears. We've been running for some time now.
"They're gaining," Silas says. Mitch turns a corner. I see a dark blue van at the end the street.
"Is that it?" I ask.
"Yeah," Mitch says. We're all panting now, except for Aya, who is running in the front with Mitch. Alina has dropped to the back with Silas. We're almost there. Charlie slips out of my vision. I turn back and see he tripped, but he's scrambling to his feet. I stop to help him up. His pants are reddening at the knees and his hands are scratched up, but we can't worry about that now. Once he's on his feet again, we start running. They're catching up. Charlie's falling behind. I make it to the van, and look back to help Charlie in. But he's been not there. He's been tackled.
Mitch turns the keys in the ignition.
"No! Charlie!" I shout. I move to climb out of the van. Silas slams the door shut. I try to open it but he won't let me.
"Don't worry!" Mitch shouts. She screeches around and drives towards Them at full speed. They scatter. She pulls up next to Charlie and screeches to a halt. Silas grabs Charlie and tosses him in, kicking one of Them before he shuts the door.
"Go!" Silas shouts. Mitch floors it and takes off like a mad woman.
"Everyone here?" Mitch calls. I look around. Charlie's crawling into the front seat next to Mitch, Aya and Alina sit in the back, and Silas sits next to me.
"Yep," I say.
"No one hurt?" Mitch asks.
"Nope," the twins say together.
"Not badly," Charlie says.
"No," I say.
"No," Silas says, "But we're not out of the dog house yet."
"Right," Mitch says, "buckle up." She's going, I'm pretty sure, ten times the speed limit. I hope there's no cops out today. Suddenly, Mitch slams the brake. We're all thrown forward.
"What was that for?" Silas asks angrily.
"Cop," Mitch says, nodding to a black and white car a few feet ahead of us. Luckily, the officer didn't notice because he was too busy handing someone else a speeding ticket.
We drive for the rest of the day.
"So," Mitch says, "We're both being chased by the same people. You guys freaks too?"
"What do you mean?" Charlie asks.
"When I was three I was taken to genetic testing, if that's what you mean?" I say. Mitch nods.
"I was ftwo and a half, the twins were babies, and Silas was five or six," she says.
"But it didn't do anything," I say, "I had no symptoms, I'm normal in that department."
"I don't remember that," Charlie says.
"You were probably a baby then," Mitch says, "like the twins. What?" Mitch is looking at me. I didn't realize it, but I was staring at her.
"Nothing," I say, looking away.
"She has a boyfriend," Silas says with a smirk.
"Really?" I say, "How does that work?"
"He usually is with us," Mitch says.
"But he's missing. We stopped on some highway and he got out to take a leak, and he didn't come back," Silas says, "Now we're stuck driving around the same area, making ourselves vulnerable. And he's probably dead, or long gone by now." Mitch does another sudden stop and Silas practically falls out of his seat.
"Hey!" Silas says.
"Sorry," Mitch says, smirking, "thought I saw a cop." Silas rolls his eyes.
Last edited by tgirly on Wed Jul 20, 2011 4:54 am, edited 2 times in total.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel
  





User avatar
7 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 873
Reviews: 7
Sat Jul 09, 2011 3:43 am
itybityclutz says...



Okay, so I haven't read any of your other chapters for this, (I'm new so this is the one I found first) but in just reading chapter nine I think it's pretty good. What I have noticed though is a few spelling errors (like one or two, no big deal), and also the dialogue could flow a little better, right now it's a little hard to understand how many people are there, and who's saying what...at the beginning I thought there were just two characters and then by the end there were more and I was a little confused. However, the plot is good, and in just reading this one chapter I get a lot of information without it seeming like you're repeating yourself. This is definitely something I'd love to read more of.
  








Well, the only way to start is by starting
— AvantCoffee