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Sparrow and Spaghetti: Chapter 3 part 2



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Wed Jul 13, 2011 12:20 am
purpleandblue22 says...



There is only one path, so I suppose I should be happy that I’m not going to get lost, but I would still love to be able to breathe again. The entire tunnel was carved out of stone and mud. I heard dad say that it goes on for miles, but I can’t believe that.

Somewhere off in the distance, I hear the echo of screams reverberating off of the low ceiling. What is this place? It’s one thing to hear this kind of thing when you are unwillingly forced into it, but I followed my parents.

Mom walks confidently in front, followed closely by dad and me. She walks quickly with long strides towards an intersection. She goes left, leading us through a short hallway and into an open room. The lighting dramatically increases, revealing a good twenty people working around tables and machines.

“Josh,” she shouts.

A middle-aged man looks up from a table and smiles, for a moment, and then he sees Beth.

“What happened?” he asks, sounding genuinely worried.

He stands up and quickly walks over to us. He takes one look at Sparrow and says, “You need help, now.”

He takes Beth from dad’s arms and lays her down on a metal table. Dad leans in and whispers something into his ear, causing Josh to nod slowly. Mom walks over and pulls up Beth’s skirt, revealing her wounds on her lower thigh.

Someone bumps my shoulder by accident and apologizes, but I don’t really hear them. I’m a bit busy at the moment. Where are we? This “Josh” draws a small amount of blood from Beth’s arm and gives it to another man in his twenties. A brunette comes in with a bottle of something or other and starts swabbing Beth’s brand mark.

A hand taps my shoulder and I shrug it off. I have more important things to worry about. They’re taking her temperature and removing the fabric we tied around her leg. The hand taps my shoulder again, this time more forcefully. I don’t care, leave me alone. I push it away. They are rubbing cream on her wrists and ankles, probably-

“Excuse me, you have to leave,” says a female voice.

I turn away from Beth to see a short redhead staring at me with raised eyebrows.

“I, um, my parents are-”

“Yes, I know, but you can’t stay in here.”

She’s young, maybe twenty three. Why can’t I stay in here? Where am I supposed to go?

“Come on, I’m sure you would like some coffee and something to eat,” she says more forcefully.

Instead of waiting for me to stammer out another excuse, she grabs my arm and pulls me out of the cavern and into the hall again. I pull away.

“What are you doing?” I finally shout.

“Civilians aren’t allowed inside the hospital areas. Now follow me or I’ll have to drag your parents away from their patient to do it,” she orders.
"When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often suprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers."Ralph Waldo Emerson
  





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Fri Jul 15, 2011 9:45 pm
Snoink says...



Okay! Grammar nitpicks first!

I heard dad say that it goes on for miles, but I can’t believe that.


Mom walks confidently in front, followed closely by dad and me.


He takes Beth from dad’s arms


In each of these sentences, you say "dad" and it's uncaptialized. But that's incorrect. It should be capitalized because it's a formal title. For instance, if you were to write:

"My dad is awesome!"

...that wouldn't be a problem because you're pointing out that your dad is awesome. No title. But, when you say:

"Did you know that Dad ate a mashmellow, flames and all?"

...that would be capitalized. It's his formal title.

It’s one thing to hear this kind of thing when you are unwillingly forced into it, but I followed my parents.


The second clause here doesn't seem to match the first clause.

Someone bumps my shoulder by accident and apologizes, but I don’t really hear them.


You said "someone" and then you say "them." This is grammatically wrong because you use a singular and then describe them as a plural. It sounds weird.

Okay, I'm done with grammar! Now, content. :)

Hm. I think this is too short! This chapter, unlike the other chapter endings, doesn't really resolve itself or anything. She doesn't leave, she doesn't stand off to face the person trying to take her off... she doesn't really do anything, and that's why the resolution seems a bit weird. End with something that she does! It'll seem better that way.

Also... she doesn't seem to mind at all about being led to this strange secret hiding place. If she understands where she is going, I can imagine that she might not be afraid, but for all she knows, they might be doing some scary experimentation on Sparrow, or something like that. After all, it seems like her parents usually don't go into secret walls or anything like that. Wouldn't she be a bit concerned? And I think she would be really concerned if they told her to leave... I mean, if it's going to be that bad so that she can't see it, what exactly is going on? That sort of idea. So I would definitely see if I could draw this off and make it more exciting.

Keep writing!!! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  








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