Young Writers Society

From out of their grottoes at evenings beam,
The mermaids swim with locks agleam
Walter de la Mare

I peered out over the side of the ship, my fiery red locks waving in the wind. The familiar smell of salt water hit my nostrils, greeting me like an old friend. I closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. The sea was my love. It had always been. It always would be. After setting sail from Barbados on one of my father's insane hunts for treasure and feeling the salty wind in my hair, I felt like I never wanted to set foot on land again.

My father was shouting orders to the other crew members on deck that the knots were tied poorly or the deck wasn't spotless enough. “Scrub faster!” he hollered. “Riches don' just appear outta thin air. You have to work for 'em.” As he paced around, the heels of his boots clanking loudly, his beady black eyes scoured the ship for any flaws that they could find. I rolled my eyes. I'd never understand what my mother had seen in him before she died. The only reason I tolerated him was that he held the power of the ship. He was my way onto the ocean.

When my father caught sight of me at the stern, he smiled fondly at me and strode in my direction. “If it isn't my beautiful Gracie,” he said with a booming voice. He put his rough, hardened hand on my shoulder. Forcing a smile, I turned to look at my father. He was tall and had a gut from eating the best food he could get his hands on. His salt and pepper beard and hair hung in scraggy strands on his head and face and the top part of his head was covered by a large black hat. The shape of his nose had been forever altered by a fight he'd gotten into two years earlier and it was squashed up against his face. “You look just like yer mother.”

My mother, a fair skinned Irish woman who had been named Ciara, died when I was just sixteen from a sickness. Mother had gone blind and was in pain for her final days. I had never been more devastated in my life.

“Thank you, Captain,” I said, nodding my head slightly. Refusing to call him 'Father' on board drove him mad. Every time I did, he would begin to yell, but I couldn't help myself. I had grown used to the habit and I didn't want the rest of the crew thinking that I somehow loved my father. He was a drunken monster and I was almost positive that he was the cause of my mother's illness.

His face became red with rage. “How man' times must I tell ya, Gracie? Call me 'father!'”

I bent my head and bit my tongue, trying to contain the words that wanted to come out of my mouth. “I'm sorry,” I mumbled, purposely not saying a title at the end. His face deflated from looking like it might burst and he let out a sharp bark of a laugh.

“Eh,” he started. “Be on the main deck in twenty minutes. I'll be discussin' the journey.” He planted a kiss on my head and I did my best not to shake him off.

***

“Listen, ya worthless sons o' pigs!” the captain bellowed. The main deck fell silent and the crew looked up at him with fearful expressions on their faces. One false move or action would land them overboard. I stood stiffly next to my father as he addressed my fellow shipmates. “There's treasure to be foun' where we're goin'!” Cheers filled the ship and I smiled, raising my voice too to join in the joy. “Riches beyon' yer small imaginations thinkin' levels.” Still the crew and I continued cheering despite his insults. “Gold, jewels!” His voice grew more serious. “Howeve', the journey there will be treacherous. We'll be enterin' magical territory, where only the things yer dream o' exist. I'm speakin' o' mermaids and curses.”

The whoops and hollers quieted as we all listened. No pirate who had ever seen a mermaid had lived to tell about it. It had always been my dream to see one. They were said to possess magic that was more powerful than anyone could imagine. The mermaids were immortal, beautiful creatures. My mother had told me the legends that existed and as a girl I would lay in my bed and dream of the mermaids' songs and their tails and their magic.

“We all know 'bout the mermaids,” he continued with a slow smile. Sailors nodded from the deck. “Beautiful, magical, temptresses of the waves. They sing to sailors, they lure us in, an' they kill us. But, yer all under my comman',” he added pompously. “And when we en'er those mermaid waters, we ar' going to kill them. No mercy will be given to any siren we meet 'cause they will show ye no mercy back.” The ship hollered even more and my father used his hand to quiet them. “We reach the mermaids in two days. After that, we get our treasure!” The whoops were so deafening and my father grinned toothily at them.

That evening as me and some of the crew were sitting down to eat a light supper, the talk of the legends began. I tipped my jug of water to my lips and listened.

“There's a Scottish legend that tells the story of a man that was walkin' along,” the man on my right said. “An' outta nowhere, the mermaid just up and grabs him. Takes 'im prisoner. Says she's gonna keep him there til he dies. But the man, he had this big black beast of a dog and 'is wife sends the dog out to look for him. Well, when he finds 'is master, the mermaid tries to keep 'er prisoner wit 'er, an' the dog has to kill 'er! But the mermaid had done so much damage to the dog, that 'e died. Poor chap 'ad to walk 'ome alone and mourn for 'is dog.”

Another one scoffed at the tale. “The real tale is that of the mermaid wife. She's a deceivin' creature. She was cast out of the sea and then made a man fall in love with 'er. He loved is wife, but she felt no need to return it. They had several children and then, one day, one o' the kids found somethin'. He shows it to 'is mother and she leaves! Transforms right there, into a seal! She leaves 'er husband and children an' makes off for the sea.” He shook his head again. “That be all the merfolk care for- the water.”

As the men continued with their legends, I sipped her water. Yes, she had heard the stories that they were talking about. But I had also heard the ones about the mermaids who helped people, who gave their knowledge of magic to help heal people in need. “And what of the legend of the kind mermaid?” I asked, glancing over at them with a smile. “The legends of the mermaids who help us humans?” I stood up and paced around the cabin area. “There are also legends that say that mermaids help us with their magic. That they are healers.

“But I guess it's up to us to decide which ones are the real legends.”

One of the men raised his eyebrows at me. “Are you sayin' that we shouldn't kill 'em?”

“I'm saying that we should think about it,” I mused, twirling a piece of hair on my finger.

“Yer sayin' that we should defy your father's orders, that's what yer sayin',” one of them laughed. “I'm all fer that, Gracie. Or at least I'd be all fer it if yer father wasn't captain.” They all laughed at that, including me. “He'd throw us all over board an' leave us.”

I knew that what they were saying was right. My father believed so much in the finding of treasure to be the best thing for him. Even I could not change his mind. But I could not bear the thought of killing creatures that were more beautiful than any amount of treasure. They were graceful creatures and they were part of the world we lived in. I couldn't bear the thought of killing something that was so pure and that had never harmed anyone other than in legends. And legends were something that I tried very hard to ignore.

"We shall see," I murmured softly so that few could hear me.

*Hi! Corrections in red, suggestions in bold. Warning you - I'm feeling extremely nitpicky. ^_^

I peered out over the side of the ship, my fiery red locks waving in the wind. The familiar smell of salt water hit my nostrils, greeting me like an old friend. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. The sea was my love. It had always been. It always would be. After setting sail from Barbados on one of my father's insane hunts for treasure and feeling the salty wind in my hair, I felt like I never wanted to set foot on land again. This is a pretty good intro, but my one suggestion comes with the description - everyone rushes to describe their characters, but sometimes (especially in first person) it doesn't flow. Maybe you could find a way to describe her hair color in a way that makes it more relevant?

My mother, a fair skinned Irish woman who had been named Ciara, died when I was just sixteen from a sickness. Mother had gone blind and was in pain for her final days. I had never been more devastated in my life. Again, maybe you don't have to go this far into her back story yet. Because she is our narrator and this experience would be difficult for her to share, maybe she wouldn't share such detail yet, only eluding to this part of her past. When she is more familiarized with her reader/another character she's opening up to, these facts might be a little more natural.

As the men continued with their legends, I sipped my water. Yes, I had heard the stories that they were talking about. But I had also heard the ones about the mermaids who helped people, who gave their knowledge of magic to help heal people in need. “And what of the legend of the kind mermaid?” I asked, glancing over at them with a smile. “The legends of the mermaids who help us humans?” I stood up and paced around the cabin area. “There are also legends that say that mermaids help us with their magic. That they are healers.

Okay, so in general I think this could be a really cool story. On the other hand, it could also turn into a complete copy of Pirates of the Caribbean, so being original will be important (as always in fantasy novels). Now what I think you need to do is work on strengthening your character. We don't see much, except that she generally despises her father and will pretty much go along with anybody who feels the same way. Is she tomboyish from the influence of her lifestyle, or more feminine because of her mother? What work does she do, or why doesn't she work? Obviously you can't answer every question in the first chapter, but she needs to have a developed voice, and I felt like that was lacking a little bit. Anyway, I'd definitely keep reading, so if you want to message me when the next chapter comes out, I'll definitely try to keep up with your novel.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Nice! I love the mermaid part, the stories about them. I've always been a fan of mermaids, so for short, you totally got my attention!

Loving father eh? nice! . love it.

i may not be much of that corrector thingy in grammars, i really did notice, even the slightest grammar mistake. I honestly don't know if I'm right or wrong, so it is up to you to find it out. You're the author after all.


You should say something about the plot. I was kinda looking forward to it. It's because, I want to learn more about mermaids. I told you, I'm a big fan of mermaids. Very demanding. :p

Anyway, overall, keep it up! although I may agree about the earlier comments, about this turning into the pirates of the carribean, I support this story. You might as well, uh, you know keep it away from happening.

Originality is one of the best assets of a story. So, go!

Hello! You've go a great story beginning here. And the topic of mermaids for your story is really genius. There isn't much of those stories out there and I'm glad that you're writing one.

Unlike the previous reviews, I don't agree that this is turning into Pirates of the Carribean. From what you wrote in this part of your story, Pirates of the Carribean is far from my mind. Just having a character on a ship and mermaids does not make it so it could become a complete copy of the Pirates of the Carribean books/movies. But, if you're worried about that I think as long as you keep your main character from falling in love with a nice gentlemen that will become a pirate later on or have your character actually fall in love with a pirate, I think you'd be good to go.

Has Gracie grown up around her father's crew? And if she has, wouldn't she know their names? She refers to them as a 'man' if one of them speaks or do something. I'm just curious to why she doesn't call them by any names.

What time period is this? I was thinking it might be in the 1600s-1800s. Just wondering because I was trying to figure out why she didn't help work on the ship. She just sat there. Either it wouldn't be ladylike for her to work or she (or her father doesn't want her to) just doesn't want to work?

I like where you are going with the mermaids, there are a lot of different legends/stories/myths about them. I like the controversial debate between Gracie and the sailors about mermaids. A lot of people have different opinions on them and I'm curious to see which side is right.

I'm interested to know more about why Gracie despises her father. It sounds like he loves his daughter, but Gracie doesn't return his love. Why is that? She must have loved her father a little bit before her mother died and even if her father is a drunkard. Wouldn't she?

Gosh, you make me think! But, in a good way. I like how to think about the characters and the stories behind them when I read and so far your story is doing a great job for exercising my brain. Wonderful job.

Like the previous reviewers said, originality is key. Do what you think you're story needs or don't needs. You're the writer, and we are just reviewers. In the end, it always come downs to you to do what you think best for your story. Good luck and I am definitely going to be reading more!

Keep Writing!
- JustMe

After setting sail from Barbados on one of my father's insane hunts for treasure and feeling the salty wind in my hair,

Adding the "and feeling the salty wind in my hair" feels like a little much. Remember, "... the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads." -Dr. Seuss

My father was shouting orders to the other crew members on deck, complaining that the knots were tied poorly and the deck wasn't spotless enough

The blue is my recommendations for change, but you don't have to change a thing if you don't want to. It's your piece of writing, of course.

“Scrub faster!” he hollered. “Riches don' just appear outta thin air. You have to work for 'em.”

I love stories with good dialogue, and I loved this line. It really captures his character.

The only reason I tolerated him was because he held the power of the ship. He was my way onto the ocean.

The line highlighted in purple is fantastic.

When my father caught sight of me at the stern, he smiled fondly at me and strode in my direction.

You don't really need the "at me", because you've already made it clear that the father's attention is directed at his son.

He was tall, with a gut that had arisenfrom eating the best food he could get his hands on.

strands on his head and face. On the top of his head sat a large black hat.

My mother, a fair skinned Irish woman,who had been named Ciara, died when I was just sixteen from a sickness.

Also, you could be more specific about what type of sickness she had died from. It would make the reader feel more connected.

“I'm sorry,” I mumbled, purposely not placing a name at the end.

He planted a kiss on my head and it took all I had not to shake him off.

The main deck fell silent and the crew looked up at him fearfully.

One false move or action would

You could take out "or action", since "one false move" means the same thing here.

Cheers filled the ship and I smiled, raising my voice too to join in the joy.

A moment ago the shipmates were afraid of the captain, so it would make sense to have their cheers a little hesitant, imo.

voice too to join in the joy

You could remove the "too", it's unneeded because you she says that she joins in the joy. If that made sense, ahaaha.

Still, the crew and I continued cheering despite his insults.

who had ever seen a mermaid had lived to tell the tale

father ushered with his hand to quiet them

The whoops were sodeafening and my father grinned toothily at them.

That evening, as me and some of the crew were sitting down to

I noticed that you don't use comma's very often in places they should be put, that might be something to think about.

the man on my right began.

Another thing I noticed is the way you cut off certain words when people speak. I understand that it gives them the accent that their character has, but I find myself concentrating so much on understanding them, that I miss what they're saying. Toning it down a tad might help to make it more readable. Just a thought.

As the men continued with their legends, I sipped my water. Yes, I had heard the stories that they were talking about.

That they are healers.

“But I guess it's up to us to decide which ones are the real legends.”

You could keep these two sentences in the same paragraph.

They all laughed at that, including me.

I feel like the character wouldn't laugh at this, since she feels a strong need not to be connected to her father. If I were her, I would be bothered by what the man was saying.

Not even I could change his mind, but I could not bear the thought of killing creatures that were more beautiful than any amount of treasure.

The last paragraph didn't flow very well, it seemed a bit jumpy, like you were in a rush to finish it.

ALRIGHT, SO, I'm sorry that I was being so picky, I guess I just got into the rhythm of things. It really is a great idea for a story, and it makes me want to read more (which I will clearly be doing). And remember, the stuff in blue are just a few suggestions to give the story a better flow, you don't have to use them or acknowledge their presence. It's your work, and you can do it however you please. You did a great job of getting me hooked, I'm a bit excited to see what the mermaids are like (assuming she finds them). If you'd like me to review any other chapters of this, I'd love to, just give a shout.

I'm a history buff, so let me just give you some historical info. to help make your story more accurate.
1.Pirate captains are usually voted into power by the entire crew. Therfor, they hold a certain respect for thew crew. ANd though they hold a great deal of power, they are bound by the laws of the ship( wich are put into place when the ship was stolen by all the original crew members.) Therfor, he can not just go around throwing people overboard.
2. There is such thing as a gentlemen pirate. Infact, many prominante men reverted to piracy to earn more money. The only way Gracie can be as well mannered, ladylike, and well learned as she is is if her mother was a noble woman and her fsther a noble man or if she was a ladies maid.
3.Pirates didn't only steal and pillage for money. Many carried contraband across borders. Infact, this is where the real money lied.
4. Always try to follow the original mermaid myths as close as possible,or youll have just as many haters as fans.

-hoped this helped, and I love the mermaid theme by the way!

Here I am at last! Sorry it's a little late, but I've been super busy!
Anyway, I didn't notice anything here that hadn't already been pointed out by your fantabulous reviewers. I just popped in to let you know I'd read it, and will read the next bit as soon as I have the chance!
It's looking good so far, and I'm interested to see where you'll take it

I like this. It grabbed my attention from the start and is fresh and different. You got me to thinking when you had Gracie ask which legend should be given credit. How true that is in all thing of life. There is alway two sides to every coin.
I noticed a couple places where you changed from writing first person to writing third;

I sip *her water. yes *she had heard the storys they were talking about.

I believe you meant 'my' not *her and 'I' not *she.
Anyway, as I said interesting story. I enjoyed this first chapter and I look forward to reading more.
~Dragongirl

Alright, sis. Ready for that long awaited review?

I peered out over the side of the ship, my fiery red locks waving in the wind.

I don't think you need red. It's implied by fiery.

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.

It had always been. It always would be.

Try a comma instead of a period

My father was shouting orders to the other crew members on deck that the knots were tied poorly or the deck wasn't spotless enough.

It's awkwardly worded. Try something like, "My father was shouting orders at the other crew members, saying the knots were poorly tied or that the deck wasn't spotless enough.

His salt and pepper beard and hair hung in scraggy strands on his head and face and the top part of his head was covered by a large black hat.

This sentece bothers me. Maybe something more like, "His salt and pepper hair hung lank from sea water, a similar colored beard snarled into knots." Or something like that.

My mother had told me the legends that existed and as a girl I would lay in my bed and dream of the mermaids' songs and their tails and their magic.

This sentence feels like a run-on. Try rephrasing it.

"We shall see," I murmured softly so that few could hear me.

Your wording is kind of awkward, and it takes away from what could be a powerful ending. Try rephrasing it.

Well, you know I love this. I love your character development and your word choice, just work a little on phrasing, it was really my only problem with the story. My favorite part has to be when the pirates are telling stories, it gives it the feel of a real ship. But why would a father let his daughter onboard a pirate ship? To me it would mean he either doesn't care, or he trusts his crew members enough not to touch her,and I didn't get either of those feelings from this chapter. Course, it could be because he's so clueless. How does he not see how much his daughter despises him?

Despite that, I loved it. Red vines,
Saky.