Young Writers Society

Sorry. This isn't a book anymore. It wouldn't let me delete the book. So I just did this.

THAT WAS KUWL. Sorry for my spelling, I was experimenting. I hope that you are able to finish this novel. I am appalled by teh fact this has no reviews to it. Virtually little people have read this. They oughta get a load of what you have just written: a novel with intent, concentration and spanking ideas. Keep up the good work. I hope that you finish it.

Hello Reviewing again.
Just a random pointer, make all your posts into one novel it really helps put things together plus you can write a synopsis and have a cover thing. You should be able to do this by clicking a blue box on the right hand corner that says 'is this a part of a novel' or something like that.

Okay now to the review.
They keep him for a day and a half... wow, this guy should request a lawyer. His calmness really tells a lot about his character and personality. Its a fine MC we have here, but make sure that he is no mary sue, also a little more sadness fore the death of the ex might be necessary.

He called me bye my last name,

Spelling

“Thank you… really.” I walked out of the building and headed home.

I feel like what the police man said before was a little fake, I have a feeling that was on purpose though. I think the leaving of the building could be extended, its a little abrupt but I kind of like that, your story your choice.

The ending is pretty fantastic. I really have no other comments.

Hey aj! Back again!

There's something so...unrealistic about Darren. He's a cop, yet he acts so...unprofessional I guess I would say. It doesn't make sense to me what he, and some of the other cops, have done so far regarding Travis and the murder case.

“Fine. We have decided that we are going to release you until we find probable cause to make an arrest. You’re free to go Travis! Oh… and… one more thing.”

1. I was wondering about the whole probably cause thing. Could they have even taken him into the station without his consent if they didn't have probably cause? It seems like it would make more sense that Travis agreed to go and talk to the officers, rather than have them take him in without any good evidence.
2. His "You're free to go!" response is weird. If he suspects Travis, even a little (as is suggested by the probable cause comment) then he shouldn't be so happy-go-lucky about letting a suspected criminal free.

“Use your new freedom well, and don’t get into any trouble, it will, go on your record! You’re a good kid Travis, and I don’t want to see you waste your life like so many other people I’ve met!”

This is along the same lines as comment 2 above. Darren just acts so un-cop-like in how he talks to Travis. I don't have a good handle on his character, so he just comes off as so unrealistic and not very sensible to me. Also, how does he know Travis is a good kid? Does he know him personally? Because if not, considering Travis' past, any police officer who only looked at Travis' record would not assume he is a good kid. Not at all.

I suggest looking into the procedure of interrogation/arrest for this sort of case (suspected murder). A story should always seek to be as realistic as possible in order to allow a reader to relate more fully to it and enjoy it more. You have a great backbone to this story, the events of the plot keep me interested, but the things surrounding that backbone could just use some more work.

Nice job, and keep writing!

-Lauren-