Young Writers Society

Sorry. This isn't a book anymore. It wouldn't let me delete the book. So I just did this.

Hey AJ, here as I said.

I know it's not exactly review day yet but I thought just in case Mum changes her mind about staying home, I might as well give you something so I don't have to leave you hanging again. Also, happy seventh review day, you're going to love it. I don't often to do them because they're always on days that I am most busiest, and today I thought my schedule was free though it looks like it isn't. I stayed up till 12:30 last night (or would that be morning?) finishing assignments so I could come onto Yewis and review like crazy, though Mum wants to go out today. Did I start screaming and swearing, you betcha.

Anyway, onto the review. So I've read every single chapter so far and I'm going to try and condense the critique into this one review so listen up. Don't worry, I'll come back and add more if I've forgotten something from my notes but really I didn't find any problems. Your character seems so real. His story, his personality and his history: they're all perfect. Your prologue was smashing, and so are these. I still like the prologue the best though. It has a very vague, mistifying feeling that gives me chills up my spin. To me, it feels like you watch a lot of crime movies because the way you paint the picture of Travis going in and out of the Police force's life is so realistic. Just like I see off of CSI and Criminal Minds! You're lucky to have shows like these because they give you insight, and ideas of how to go about your own crime story; most of us aren't that lucky.

What I didn't like was chapter one. It seemed way to short and there was only really two or three sentences in a paragraph the first time I saw it. Your other chapters are much better, though chapter one threw me off compeltely. It also didn't do your brilliant prologue any justice. Now what I always suggest to people with such great prologues and good, but not as pleasing first chapters is to go over it again with red pen, highlighter and ruler. So i.e. print it out. Once you've found a peaceful place: go through it, and leave yourself notes. Once that's done, I would really suggest adding in flash backs of his old life. There are some in there but I really think you could explain more to give off more of the mystery you are so good at writing. It will just hook the reader more into your first chapter because to me there was no hook. I actually skipped it, and then went back later. Trust me, you have to see to that chapter.

The other chapters are fine, they could be more lengthy but either way they give off an air that makes me want more. I want to suggest though that you're kind of running off the same line as other writers that write in this genre are. So instead of thinking outside of the box you're spitting back cliches that make me smile but not enough to screech like the fan girl I am. I am hoping you watch crime shows because that will throw my other comment right out the window. See what they do in their story lines. Watch a whole variety of them from the good to the bad. When you see what they do, try and think way, way, way out of the box. Show the readers something compeletly new and slick that will make them eat their hearts out. Sure, it will take some time but your story will benefit from it most definitely.

Another thing that I didn't like was that Travis seemed to be living in the police station. Always being pulled in there as if you didn't give the plot line enough thought. My mother thought this also although she is in love with Travis so she didn't make a big deal out of it. I think you have yourself another fan girl, AJ. Make something else happen. He's gone into the interrogation once, sure that's great, makes the hairs on my arms stand up though going a second time is just annoying. Maybe have the police following him through his day, or maybe have them dress up like a dame he meets in a club and she tries to flirt the information out of him. Again, those are kind of cliche though they could work. You don't have to take my advice or my suggestions, but I do propose getting rid of all those interrogations and just leaving one. Let the police be coniving in another way.

Ah Travis, my favourite character. Bad ass and dangerous. I do love him, and so does my mother. Don't change him okay, ever. I feel he is one of the best characters ever created, and, well, I just love him too much. I just thought I'd point that out because I do. One thing I will suggest though is if you do decide to do flashbacks on his previous life make sure you tweak his personality. He was younger then, more adventorous and therefore much more punkish. His attitude has to be different, which means that he's got to be more of a jerk. I felt obliged to say that because I really want to see his personality before when he was a conman. So just take that as a helpful pointer from a little fairy.

Some part of me feels that you're going a little to fast also. You're cutting off the end of the chapter then pasting on the other one. That doesn't work. Chapter changes should be smooth like water going over rocks. The reader should be able to understand what is happening and be able to settle down for the next installement. Although if you have to much jumps you're going to get people losing interest. I've seen it happen with real published books. We were reading one novel in class and most of the complaints were that the chapter transitions were rocky -- in other words: not smooth. I'm just warning you in advance. The suggestion I have in mind is to read just the last paragraph of a chapter and then the first paragraph of the chapter after it. Smooth out the edges (by that I mean type) so that when you come back it's a lot easier to read. I've had this problem before and by going back I can easily straighten out those rocky edges.

Now, you're grammar. Good, don't get me wrong, but I think you should check out your dialogue grammar. It's not wrong but you have some problems. It's to hard to explain; all I am saying is that you should check out forums that deal with that specifically. It will really help you, trust me. I had the same problem -- and I probably still do -- but by reading the grammar threads, I have a better understanding of it.

All in all, I really liked this. I want to give you the more indepth review that I had hoped for though I promised you that I would post a review today and Mum already said that we're going out so it looks like I'm going to be out of the house all day. Oh yiphee! (Being sarcastic, of course.) Anyway, my Mum and me both love this story, that's something we have to agree both on. She loves it even more then me because she's into these kind of things. My advice is not supposed to be taken as critism, I say it in the nicest way possible. Out of ten, I'd give this an 8.9, my Mum gives it a one thousand of course. Keep writing, I can't wait to see what else happens. I feel real guilty now because I am sure that you hoped for more. Tell you what, if you have any questions don't be afraid to drop by and just ask. I am always here to help. I hope that this review helps you in some way, and I am trying as hard as I can to hurry and finish before my Mum starts making me pack. Don't forget, if you have any questions just ask away. Okay tally-ho!

-Good luck.

PS. Thought I'd give you one more peice of advice before I leave. Take what I said and use is with your future chapters. Do what I did and read over every chapter you have now, then ask yourself where do you want it to go? By then you will have an inkling of an idea, and they should keep sprouting. If not, rent out the whole series of the Mentalist of CSI Miami and watch them. Something should rise up from there. I'd even suggest Underbelly, that could work.

Hi aj! Here to review again!

I don't have a whole lot to say that wouldn't be re-iterating things I've already pointed out in previous chapters. I'm still not a fan of how Darren acts toward Travis. This is a murder investigation, yet he seems to be so relaxed about everything. And I still don't understand why he thinks so highly of Travis. He certainly doesn't have any experience in psychology, so there isn't much reason for him to pick up on things that might suggest that Travis is telling the truth that he didn't kill Lucy.

Oh, that might be an idea. Bring in a psychiatrist of some sort to sit in on the interrogation/conduct the interrogation. That might lead to some interesting results.

A few nitpicks:

I was stuffed into the back of the police car once again, being driven off to captivity, and communism.

The "and communism" bit is just weird and doesn't really fit into the sentence or the context of the story. I don't know why he compares this all to communism, as he hasn't thought anything relating to communism thus far in the story.

I’m not sure why he wanted to talk to me so bad, seeming I was the one that was a waste of his time.

This sentence is worded awkwardly. Try reading it out loud, and you'll see what I mean. It just needs some words changed around so that it flows better.

Nice job, and keep writing! I still suggest looking into other books/movies/television shows or just doing research on situations such as these (murder investigations, interrogations, etc) in order to form a more realistic story.

-Lauren-