Young Writers Society

Sorry. This isn't a book anymore. It wouldn't let me delete the book. So I just did this.

Since I haven't read the other chapters I'm a bit confused. However I got what it was about and say nice job. I really liked how this was written but my only advice is maybe, a little more description of the scenery? It's not a huge issue I don't think so I just wanted to help out. I am excited to read more so I shall check out the rest of your chapters.

[quote]Three simple words, and he was done for the taking.[quote] You don't need the comma before the and. That is used mostly when there's a list instead of it just combining two parts.

Either way I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and I will do my best to read the rest ^^. Hope this helps just a bit. Good luck and Happy Writing.
Soulkana<3<3

Hey aj!

So I really liked this chapter. It does a lot of the things I had suggested in the previous chapters, particularly once Garry entered the scene. Also, I really like Garry. Aside from Travis, he's probably my favorite character thus far.

First off, you have a fantastic description of his character in just a few words:

The cop that Darren had sent in was tall and scrawny, his hair was combed very neat, and he looked like he just came out of law school.

This says so much about his character, without being uninteresting or listing a bunch of simple qualities. It's fantastic and I love it. I also love that Garry acts like a cop interrogating a murder suspect.

I'd like to see some of the same cop-like qualities given to Darren. He can still have his friendly attitude, because that's a great quality and sets him apart from the other characters, but he just needs to act a little more professional in my opinion.

Also in this chapter, there is a lot more showing description, particularly in Garry's actions. Like when he spreads the pictures out in front of Travis, and how he moves and acts in their conversation. That's good, it's dynamic, it's interesting to read. I'd love to see those sorts of things applied to Travis and the other characters as well.

One thing I'm wondering now is, I keep thinking back to the prologue. All that Travis talked about lying, we haven't seen much of him actively lying (or so we think) or thinking about lying any more. Not that this is a bad thing at all, it just has me wondering about Travis' character and his involvement in the murder (since his fingerprints were found on the scene). I'd almost like to see some of him thinking about how his fingerprints were there, or some more reason why he is so reluctant to give out information on his whereabouts that night.

Even if he has to lie to the reader a bit about those things as well. Of course, I don't mean to tell the reader one thing and then in the end just go back and be like "hah, just kidding, he actually was there all along and killed her himself". But I mean to give off little bits of information that are very subjective and could lead to him having been involved or not. For example, maybe he had driven by her house that night, or gone to the door and touched the handle but then decided against going in to see her and left. Things like that.

Again, nice job on this chapter! Keep writing!

-Lauren-