Young Writers Society

Sorry. This isn't a book anymore. It wouldn't let me delete the book. So I just did this.

i love this!!!

you get the ponit i reall like this

So, I'm sort of just jumping in on this chapter. Haven't read the previous ones. I followed along really quite well, all things considered.

I'm curious as to why Darren wasn't concerned about there being a gun in his couch. If he knew it was there, not a good place to hide it from anyone, let alone someone wanted.

“Hello Detective Lain. What seems to be the problem?” I heard Darren ask.

Grammar mistake you had throughout... should be "Hello, Detective Lain." Or, "Hello, Dad." Or "Get out, Travis." Generally, you just have to have the comma there. There's a difference between, "Let's eat, Grandma!" and "Let's eat Grandma!" Punctuation saves lives.

“Travis has a gun!” I heard her yell.

Note on first person. You don't need to say 'hear' or 'see' or other sense words 9 times out of 10. If Travis is mentioning it, he took it in. Also, she's standing right there. He's seeing her yell it.

Same thing here:

I heard stomps of anger, and the front door slam. Seconds after I heard a car engine start.

If he's mentioning it, he heard it. Though you can probably get away with this instance since Travis is in another room.

My final note for you is that you use a whole lot of exclamation points in your dialogue. After a while, they start to loose their pow and punch.

Overall... the story reads well, but it could probably use with some fleshing out. This is mostly dialogue, and a little description of what's going on or what's going through Travis's head would be fantastic.

Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach

Hey aj!

This was a nice chapter!

The tension between Drew and Travis was good, a nice start to the building of some sort of relationship. What I really liked though was the gun incident. It really heightened the suspicion I already have of Darren, and puts a lot of suspense and intrigue into the plot. You want that in order to keep a reader hooked and interested.

I am starting to wonder, though, why Travis isn't trying to figure out some way to either get far away from that town or prove himself innocent. If I were in his position, and really didn't commit the murder, I would be trying to figure out who did. Either that, or make as clean a break as I could and get far away.

Also, this:

"I don’t know who I believe anymore. I’ll give you a second chance, but if you break anymore rules, I wont be so forgiving!”

Darren seems to be getting sort of wishy-washy and I don't understand why. What reason does he have to start to not know who to believe anymore? Are there things happening on his side of things that we, as readers, have yet to see/learn about?

Other than that, I enjoyed this chapter. Again, the gun thing was a really neat and suspicion building twist and I like it.

Keep writing!

-Lauren-