Young Writers Society

Sorry. This isn't a book anymore. It wouldn't let me delete the book. So I just did this.

This was great, as per usual. But, I have to say, I find Drew a bit of whiny bitch. I don't know why but I hate him. At the moment, I picture him being run over by a train later on. Okay that came out wrong- basically what I am trying to say is I find Drew a bit underdeveloped as a character. To be honest, I find him boring and uninteresting. So, my suggestion would be to develop him in the next few chapters. I know you have other chapters after this one, but I have yet to read them. Sorry for the negativity It's still great though!

Back again for another review!

It was almost like love at first site.

love at first sight

We didn’t need alot of time to let our relationship build, because there was already one there, we just needed to sweep the dust off the top.

As romantic and exciting as love at first sight may seem, it's extraordinarily unrealistic. And not as interesting as something more real could be. Of course we can enjoy a relationship between two young people who don't know very well working out perfectly, but what could be more interesting is a real relationship where they try to avoid being together because he's an ex-con and she's a cop's daughter (not to mention a cop trying to help Travis) yet they can't fight their attraction for each other forever and eventually decide they just have to try.

That is real, and full of suspense and tension and is exciting to read. Plus it's something that could actually happen. Either way, Travis and Drew's relationship needs a lot more time to develop. I also think that Darren way under-reacted. If I were him, I would have thrown Travis out that very minute.

This chapter in particular was very dialogue heavy, but lacked a lot of prose around it. As I mentioned in an early chapter, here is a place that particularly needs work with the descriptions and actions around the dialogue. What are they doing, small actions as well as big actions. How do they act, physically, around each other. What is Travis thinking? Towards the beginning, Travis had all these thoughts he shared that were so intriguing to read and made his character, yet they seem to have gotten lost as the story progressed. He has a very clever voice, and I'd like to see that come back.

Other than that, nice chapter! Keep writing!

-Lauren-