Alright, please keep in mind that I haven't read the first 11 chapters, so if any comments sound odd then just discard them.
aj14 wrote:I couldn’t help but think what was going to happen. He would probably choke me to death, or maybe he’d just shoot my leg.
I can't say why, but those sentences seem a bit awkward to me.
This might just be because I'm just jumping into this, but I can't get any picture at all of what is going on here. Unless they have already gone into this room, give a basic description of what it looks like (is it a kitchen, hallway, what?). At this point, I was immagining them talking in the kitchen, just because you said beyond the kitchen door (sorry, that might just be my brain acting freekish).
try adding a little bit of narroration everyonce and a while in between some of the dialoge. You don't need it after everyone, but it feels like the entire chapter is just speach.
Maybe make it a little longer as well. I understand why for this site you want to keep it short to get reviews, but I feel like this is too small to stand on its own as a chapter. What I usually do is say something like "Chapter 4 part 1" and break it up that way.
Over all, I say it has potential. I could follow what was going on even though I haden't read the previous chapters. The charectors seemed real and I was able to understand them and their motives right from the begining. Although, I have to say, it seemed like the dad gave up too easily. At the same time, it felt like Darren and Travis were already friends so I can't really say how he would react.
Please keep writing this,
--Bee--
"When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often suprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers."Ralph Waldo Emerson
I really think that Darren gave in waay to easily there. If I were him, and this were my daughter, then I would be beating Travis senseless and tossing him out of the house. I mean, what father - a father who is a cop - would allow his daughter to date an ex-con who is currently wanted for murder (even if he is innocent). It just doesn't make much sense to me.
That's all I have to say on this chapter in particular, but I kind of want to round up what I think of the story thus far. So, here we go.
Characters Travis - I loved his voice at the start of the story, but it seems to have gotten lost a bit as the story progressed. I'd love to see that snarky criminalesque voice make a comeback, because it made a really fun and interesting character to read about. As the story progressed, it seems he's gained a lot of immaturity. It seems that he ought to be mature beyond his age (even still, he's twenty one and ought to have a decent amount of maturity on his own) since he's been committed of crimes before and has spent time as a con man doing some pretty serious stuff. It's particularly in these last chapters, with these bits with Drew where this immaturity has come out. It would seem to me that he'd have a better head on his shoulders, and know that he can't legitimately take on a girlfriend while he's running from the law. That doesn't mean that he can't have a relationship, just that it ought to develop differently than it has.
Darren - His character started out overly nice and unprofessional, which was strange, but has developed into a serious old dad sort of personality. While the latter is probably more fitting, I think there is a nice middle ground that can be achieved with his character. His friendliness is what led him to help Travis out, which appears important to the plot. But his dad side ought to have him kicking Travis up and down the house after finding him kissing his daughter. Darren also makes me a tad suspicious, especially concerning the gun under the couch (and I'm wondering why Travis wasn't more curious about why a gun with only three bullets in it was hid in the couch cushions) and why he is so insistent on helping Travis out. I also wonder why he isn't actively trying to either find someplace for Travis to escape to, or finding some way to prove Travis innocent. Because harboring an escaped criminal can't be good for his career if he were to be found out.
Drew - There's not a whole lot to her character right now. I'd love to see more development on her part, so that she's more than the young forbidden love interest to Travis. She could have a lot of potential, and I hope she fulfills that.
Garry - I still love Garry. He's the only one who really seems to be doing what makes sense in the situation. He's trying to find Travis, and seeking that through the best lead he has. He's the kind of sympathetic villain that makes a great bad guy. He's bad, because he's against the protagonist, but his actions are understandable given the situation. It's his job to put criminals in their place, even if he thinks Travis is guilty when he's not.
Plot The thing with the plot is, it seems to be a little all over the place. You mentioned in some of your comments to me that the direction of the story has changed a bit as you wrote. That's not a bad thing! That's actually very good. You want to be able to find a clearer direction of plot as you write. Just keep in mind that you'll have to go back at some point and streamline everything into that new plot line.
For example, at this point it seems that a lot of the interrogation/court proceedings could be trimmed down and/or a lot of those chapters could be combined together. Since it seems like the main part of the plot consists of what happens after he escapes from the cops, everything before it is less important to go into a ton of detail about. Of course you still want enough character development to allow Darren to realistically help Travis out. But a good rule is to start the story as close to the rising action as possible, that way a reader isn't lost in the "introduction" stage trying to figure out exactly what the story is about.
Mechanics There are a lot of more stylistic and structural things that could use some work. For example, everything I mentioned about showing and telling as well as everything about building more description/action prose around dialogue. But there were also some scattered grammar things that I didn't often point out (but I noticed some other reviewers did from time to time). Everything, even down to grammar and punctuation, help to build a better story and a better reading experience. Make sure to read over your work, even reading it out loud can help to smooth stuff out like comma placement and word order, and use a good spell checker. Or find someone to exclusively help you edit grammar, or read up on grammar rules yourself. There's not a huge problem in this story with grammar, but everyone can use a good basis in grammar rules.
Over all, I think you have a really interesting story started here. I'd love to keep reviewing for you, so shoot me a PM if you post any new chapters soon and I'd be glad to continue to give you pointers and advice! And if you'd like to talk more extensively about the story, or anything I've mentioned in my reviews today, feel free to PM me about it and I'd love to chat about anything you'd like!
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