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Tree of eris



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Thu Jul 14, 2011 6:05 pm
jordanX says...



The smooth colors surround Vira her new kingdom engulfed in light and color calms her. The data of Eris is in her control. From military plans to social networks all her power but life is everywhere. Vira looked around and saw what looked like stingrays flying with phoenixes. She smiled, she noticed they were made of data.1’s and 0’s all over the place some might say binary but it was actually the stream of power called the codex. The codex was so powerful that the mere tail could wipe out the power grid of North America. Guess what it could do if it was the whole codex. Only Vira knew the secret of the codex and it was around her neck a necklace shaped like a silver ball with 54 68 65 20 6c 69 66 65 20 6f 66 20 65 72 69 73 20 66 6f 72 65 76 65 72 20 73 74 72 6f 6e 67 etched into it. It was hexadecimal code, a code rarely used in Eris due to a virus caused by it. This ball called the Hex is so powerful that it stores 2 million petabytes that is equal to 1000000000000 gigabytes that is powerful enough to corrupt the human brain. Eris is one whole living network of cyber organisms that thrive off data. Vira looked up and saw what looked like a dark cloud but it wasn’t.

It was a virus breached in the very core of Eris, unlike technology today Eris ahs no firewall. So anything could come in .The biggest breach known to Eris was the invention of the computer when millions of people were able to access the Internet, the gateway to Eris. The virus beamed against her skin attacking her, Vira tried to fight back the hordes of virus but it was no use she couldn’t even affect it. The violently attacked her clawing and biting until a group of phoenixes came and swept her away saving there queen

Aiden flipped open his laptop and started typing fast the keys were worn out from endless pushing he didn’t notice anything the only thing he cared about was the code one more decimal and he would have control of the internet in his surrounding area. He didn’t even notice 2 people sitting on the futon in his room 1 was is super athletic nature loving, thrill seeking friend, Victoria and the other was his lazy gloomy friend, Ryan. ”Why are we here?” asked Ryan.” To witness technology history,” said Aiden, A black screen with green letters flashed showing a large message showing ACCESS CODE: He typed in tree of Eris. That was the monument in that sits in the center of the town it is a tree with wiring branches and circles at the end with 33 two-digit codes it was a internet hotspot even before the internet was created. It mysteriously was restless even though the computers shut down. The screen flashed and then came on the screen Vira.”Eris is in trouble, there as been a breach I may not live to see another day but if you see this help us”. She held up her and said the flowing code” 46 69 6e 64 20 74 68 65 20 74 72 65 65”, His computer shut down.”Woah” said Victoria. Aiden still mesmerized by here beauty was speechless.


The next day at school Aiden came running into the lunchroom he slammed into a seat were Ryan and Victoria were sitting.” I finally figured it out,” he said “its hexadecimal code”. They stared at him blankly. ”Umm hi remember the video of the stranded girl, Well I figured out the code, it says “find the tree” and the only tree here is the tree of Eris in the middle of town, So lets go check it out”
“I don’t know how do we know its not just another prank on the Internet,” retorted Victoria. Ryan was silent as usual.” Come on I have a feeling that its real just trust me”. They looked at each other and shook their heads.

After school they went to go check out the tree it was etched into the ground they checked it out Ryan set up 4 cameras to give them different perspectives. Aiden checked the video once more. He found a new thing the necklace around her neck. He zoomed in and wrote down the code.”Hey Ryan give me birds eye view of the tree”. He squinted and noticed that the leaves of the tree had something etched into them two-digit numbers. He scribbled on his notepad and noticed that it had all the codes of the necklace except for one.76.”Hey, Victoria go check out number 76 on the tree”. She sprinted over there and found the number. She kicked it, apparently that was her way of checking something out. The metal top popped open and inside was a box. She pulled out the box and brought it over to Aiden. He popped it open and pulled out 4 gloves, 4 headsets, A thing that looked like a webcam and a note. The gloves had a power symbol on it he read the note and smiled.


Vira woke the sound of growling cyber phoenixes; She jolted up and ran to the sound, a purple phoenix tackled the red one that saved her. The purple was clearly infected by the virus. It looked at her and charged toward her. But stopped by red it was thrown across the room. It was bleeding purple liquid and stumble dead on the floor. Vira broke in tears comforted by the red phoenix she fell back asleep.

Aiden was logged into the access panel it was blinking for an access code. The Webcam was hooked up and his friends were playing checkers on his futon. Ok put on your gloves. They all slipped on their gloves and examined them. They each lit up. Aiden started typing fast


Vira sprinted away looking for somewhere else the virus had got to the phoenix and Vira wasn’t safe the virus took every last aspect of her life she was furious and wouldn’t let some thing like this rule her kingdom. Not the one that her people shed blood for and got transported for. In Eris if you die you get sent to earth. Vira always dreamed of going to earth to hear the music but this wasn’t how she was going out. She walked up to a cloud of the virus and yelled, “Stop!!!”. Tears ran through her cheeks she was trying to hold them back and not show weakness. A dark figure emerged from the cloud in a cloak and pale skin. Her smiled shining his yellow teeth to her. Vira gasped se recognized him he pulled her by the hair and through her over the bridge

Ryan was tense pulling on a glove that they found in a box” It itches” he said. Aiden was typing fast he almost busted a key. Through complex coding and hacking he finally paid off and he was victorious. He clicked on a file and the webcam lit up so did their gloves. A flash emitted and all of a sudden they were at Eris. Aiden walked around the world looking at a group of tadpoles “ we did it!!” he yelled. They all smiled and clapped. All of a sudden something in the background rumbled .A swift purple cyber griffin charged toward them they all yelled. “What the heck was that?” she yelled. It came back for another fight but Ryan jumped in and held his hand out and began to siphon the virus from it. Aiden pulled out his mini laptop and clicked a button that said “lifeform link” He now had full control over the griffin. He played around with it and got to business.

They heard a shriek behind them it was Vira hanging from a cliff the cloak walked over and kicker her hand off she fell from the sky 50 feet in the air. Aidan witnessed all of it. Gasping in terror he looked up at the cloak and was furious the life-linked to a cyber thunderbird and sent it charging to save her. It crashed through binary clouds and swopped under her saving her moving his glove swiftly and smoothly. He punched and sent the thunderbird smashing toward the cloak. All the cloak did was side step the bird he put out his hand and touched the bird with that touch it was infected and fell to the ground. Vira was by Aiden’s side crying and yelling at him to stop but he blocked her out.

The thunderbird was heading toward them a insanely high speeds Vira raised he hand and created a force field in which the thunderbird crashed into and dissolved into code. The cloak pulled a purple squid like creature out and threw it their way it clawed at them Victoria grabbed it and stomped on it but it was useless. Ryan siphoned it but still it was infected. Vira kicked it and it and ripped off its tentacles. A person jumped from the chasm and kicked at Aiden. Aiden punched him and used his glove to push him with extreme force. He winked at Vira opened a portal and grabbed them.
  





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Thu Jul 14, 2011 7:04 pm
ziggiefred says...



Hello there :)

The smooth colors surround Vira her new kingdom engulfed in light and color calms her.
This sentence reads kind of funny. I think you forgot a comma in there somewhere.

Guess what it could do if it was the whole codex. Only Vira knew the secret of the codex and it was around her neck a necklace shaped like a silver ball with 54 68 65 20 6c 69 66 65 20 6f 66 20 65 72 69 73 20 66 6f 72 65 76 65 72 20 73 74 72 6f 6e 67 etched into it. It was hexadecimal code, a code rarely used in Eris due to a virus caused by it. This ball called the Hex is so powerful that it stores 2 million petabytes that is equal to 1000000000000 gigabytes that is powerful enough to corrupt the human brain. Eris is one whole living network of cyber organisms that thrive off data. Vira looked up and saw what looked like a dark cloud but it wasn’t.
This bit right here is moving rather fast! Forgive me; I can see that you're into computers, but that long list of numbers...huh?

It was a virus breached in the very core of Eris, unlike technology today Eris ahs no firewall.


Aiden flipped open his laptop and started typing fast the keys were worn out from endless pushing he didn’t notice anything the only thing he cared about was the code one more decimal and he would have control of the internet in his surrounding area.
If you take a look at this very long sentence, it has no punctuation. I'm not sure how it's supposed to read.

”Why are we here?” asked Ryan.” To witness technology history,” said Aiden, A black screen with green letters flashed showing a large message showing ACCESS CODE: He typed in tree of Eris. That was the monument in that sits in the center of the town it is a tree with wiring branches and circles at the end with 33 two-digit codes it was a internet hotspot even before the internet was created. It mysteriously was restless even though the computers shut down. The screen flashed and then came on the screen Vira.”Eris is in trouble, there as been a breach I may not live to see another day but if you see this help us”.
One thing about dialogue is that it's supposed to be separated. When a different character from the first says something, start a new paragraph. So this bit should look like this:
”Why are we here?” asked Ryan.

"To witness technology history,” said Aide.

A black screen with green letters flashed showing a large message showing ACCESS CODE: He typed in tree of Eris. That was the monument in that sits in the center of the town it is a tree with wiring branches and circles at the end with 33 two-digit codes it was a internet hotspot even before the internet was created. It mysteriously was restless even though the computers shut down. The screen flashed and then came on the screen Vira.

”Eris is in trouble, there as been a breach I may not live to see another day but if you see this help us”.
Check this out for further tips.

I'll say this, I think you have potentially a great idea, but you need to work on the execution of your story. Your punctuation needs a lot of work! Your comma usage is lacking and your sentencing sometimes was off. You had very long sentences at a go that could be broken up into many individual sentences. Another thing is your story. It's very rushed. I feel like it's too fast paced. You're darting from one idea to another and I'm left confused as to what is going on. Another thing that's rushed is your proofreading. Please proofread your work. There are spelling mistakes in there that can be avoided. Your dialogue also needs some major work. The structuring and all.
You need to sit down, relax and revise this story. Develop on your ideas and turn this into an amazing story, just as I suspect the idea behind it is. What it is that's going on in your head, put it into your story in such a way that any reader can understand what you're talking about; what story you're trying to tell. So add some imagery and characterisation and describe your plot, as much as I see you describing 'Vira' and your binary numbers.

With more practice, your writing will improve.
Keep writing and good luck! ;)
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Mon Aug 08, 2011 6:16 pm
Noelle says...



Hi there! Congrats on your first post on YWS! :)

I just want to start out by saying this story has great potential. It's has a great plot and a lot of description. The description is perfect. I can see everything, hear everything, imagine this world. I really like the idea you've come up with! I would like to get to know the characters better though. Maybe you could describe them more? Dig deeper into their pasts and their relationship with each other?

As I read through this I noticed there were a lot of spelling and grammer errors. Make sure you read through your story very carefully before posting. At some points you forgot a comma and you had a couple run on sentences. The only spelling mistakes I found, however were simple errors. You probably just pressed the wrong letter when typing. But like I said before, make sure you look over your piece before posting. Wouldn't you reather find your mistakes than someone else?

I am really excited to hear the rest of this story! Remember, the next time you post read over it and check for any mistakes you may have made. Read it a loud to hear if it sounds right (you don't have to do that, but that's what helps me). PM me if you have a questions! Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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