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He-Man: Burden of a Hero Chapter 2



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Mon Jul 18, 2011 8:47 pm
Davethepenquin says...



10 Days earlier...

In the centre of the rocky badlands, He-Man and She-Ra unsheathed their swords, ready to battle their old enemies. Thirty paces away Skeletor, and his old master Hordak, drew their weapons too. Skeletor was wielding the staff of havoc, and Hordak a powerful battle axe.

Skeletor swung his staff, carving a dark symbol in the air. A bolt of lightning shot from Skeletor's staff. He-Man dived right. She-Ra leaped over Hordak and landed a blow that severed his left arm. Blood poured from the wound, painting the floor a sinister crimson. He-Man advanced towards Skeletor, dodging the many spheres of flame that were fired at him. She-Ra parried the enraged Hordak's attack, retaliating with a swing of her own. Skeletor sent an energy ball flying towards He-Man, but Skeletor's attacks were to no avail. He-Man raised his sword above his head and swung down with all his might into Skeletor. Or at least, where Skeletor should have been. He-Man felt a heavy bolt of energy surge through him, knocking him off his feet. She-Ra jabbed at Hordak's head, slicing his eye open. Blinded and screaming, Hordak fell to the floor. She-Ra turned from the writhing Hordak and raced towards Skeletor in fury. Skeletor sramped on He-Man's arm and kicked his power sword away from him. Skeletor pointed his staff at He-Man and laughed. Suddenly, She-Ra's sword collided with Skeletor's head and sent him flying, just as a orb of dark energy flew from his staff. He-Man glanced at the burn mark inches away from his head, and got back onto his feet. He turned around to see Skeletor holding She-Ra by the neck.

"You let her go!" He-Man bellowed.

"Or what He-Man?," Giggled the skeleton-faced psychopath. "He-He-He..."

Skeletor jerked the knife into She-Ra's throat, and a horrible piercing scream filled the air around He-Man. He sliced right across her throat and her head, seeping blood, toppled to the floor. He let go of the headless corpse and it fell to the ground.

He-Man let out a mighty scream that shook the very earth. Cracks appeared in the ground as He-man charged at Skeletor. Skeletor raised his staff and shot an orb of lightning at He-Man, which knocked him to the floor beside his sisters corpse.

"Don't... Lose your head He-Man!" Taunted Skeletor, "I'd love to talk, but..... I've got things to do. So, Ill see you later. He-He!"

Skeletor slammed his staff into the ground and a violent swirl of smoke obscured He-Man's vision. When the smoke cleared, Skeletor was nowhere to be found.
Last edited by Davethepenquin on Wed Nov 02, 2011 10:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.
The Fear Contest - Winners

1st Place - Hit the Black by mikeypro
2nd Place - Makeshift Calamity by jcipriano1
3rd Place - Ashes and Blood by HaydenSmith

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Tue Jul 19, 2011 11:38 am
Sandvich says...



Absolute rubbish!

I kid, it's quite good. I explained all the problems to you at school. Your style fits with the scenes quite well, and you write half decent action scenes. :3
The Fear Contest - Winners

1st Place - Hit the Black by mikeypro
2nd Place - Makeshift Calamity by jcipriano1
3rd Place - Ashes and Blood by HaydenSmith

"And so I arrive, like a sudden windstorm at a kindergarten picnic!" - Dimentio
  





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Mon Aug 08, 2011 11:07 am
IcyFlame says...



I seem to be catching a lot of people on their second chapter! *sigh* Oh well, I'll review as best I can.
Nitpicks
I can't really nitpick such a short chapter, you didn't give me time to find any!
Overall
As I said before it was ludicrously short, not nearly long enough to be a fully fledged chapter but you can lengthen out your descriptions and allow us to see inside the character's heads a little more. Also, show don't tell. Instead of simply saying he disappeared try something more along the lines of 'he vanished without warning in a puff of smoke'.
A terrible example, I know, but hopefully you get this gist.
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sometimes i don't consider myself a poet but then i remember that i literally write poetry
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