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The Mermaid's Song Chapter 2: Marina



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Thu Jul 21, 2011 6:28 am
MadameLuxestrange says...



Spoiler! :
Here's the next chapter of my short novella. Some have expressed concern that this may turn out too much like POC 4, but while some elements are similar (mermaids being one thing) I promise that it is definitely not the same. For one, the mermaids are nice. Not hungry. Plus, there's a little thing coming up that might be a little weird, but I thought I'd try it. Anyway, cheers! :D


Two Days Later: Marina
“Marina!”

Grinning, I twirled my hair around my finger and spun around in circles before landing on a rock and laid myself back against it. I giggled as my mother caught up with me, her red fins flipping behind her furiously. “Marina, get over here at once!” She glared when she appeared in front of me, her blonde hair rippling the water. Her bright blue eyes were filled with fire. “I thought we agreed that you would at least meet with him.”

I rolled her eyes and flipped the end of my sapphire tail. “I don't like William. He's a bore. He knows hardly anything.” William was the merman that both my mother and father wanted me to marry. He was interested in nothing but his appearance and didn't care to learn anything about the ocean and all it's magic. His long blonde locks were his only passion. All he could do was arrange them until they glimmered the way he wanted. “He cares only for his hair.” I flipped up from the rock and swam in circles, my coal black hair waving around me. The water rushed around me and I smiled. “I could never marry him,” I told her bluntly.

“My darling,” my mother murmured, swimming up to put her hand on my arm. “You need to marry someone.” Her eyes softened and she put her hand on my cheek. “You cannot possibly be happy alone.”

Smiling back at her, I said, “I'm happy alone right now. I don't need anyone to make me happy. Certainly not William.” I hugged her and began to swim away in the direction of our home.

“Be there,” she called after me.

***

“You are most beautiful,” William said to me, plastering a shiny white smile on his face. It was true: William was handsome. His Grecian profile looked as if it could have been carved from stone and his hair was the color of the sun. However, he was sickeningly annoying and had the brain of a rock. I could hardly stand him. For fear that my mother would hunt me down and drag me to the meeting with William, I had reluctantly shown up to meet with him. I was more afraid of her than I was of my brainless suitor.

Pretending to smile, I said, “You're too kind.” I leaned back in my seat. “By the way, your hair is especially shiny today.”

He brightened as the subject turned to his hair. “Really? You think so?” He brought his hand up to stroke his head.

“Oh, yes,” I said. I ran a fingernail down the side of his face. “So shiny that I think you will catch many mermaid eyes.” I rose from the place I was sitting and waved. “But not mine I'm afraid.”

William's face faltered and he laughed. “Oh, my beauty, I'm sure you are only joking with me.” He tried to grab my arm.

“No,” I said, firmer. “I'm not.” I swam away and he followed.

“I don't appreciate that you're doing this to me,” he laughed. “I'm sure that you're just trying to tease me.” I tried ignoring him as I swam through a field of sea weed. The green plants tickled my stomach and the lavender shells that covered my breasts. If only I could lose him in the weeds. “Marina, come now. Can't we talk? Maybe make things more... comfortable.” His voice had grown husky and seductive.

“No, William. We can't talk.” My voice was starting to show my irritation.

“You can't just swim away from me like that, Marina,” he said. It seemed like he was getting the picture that I was trying to paint in his head. “Not from a man like me. Not from a man that will continue your family's great bloodline.”

“I think I can,” I muttered, stopping to stare at him with smoldering eyes. My blue tail flicked several times. “You don't seem to understand this. I am going to walk away from you, no matter what you say or do. I am not one who will follow you around until you notice me.”

“Yes, the difference between you and all the others is that I am coming to you,” he said with a grin.

“Another difference is that I don't want your attention,” I snapped.

“Surely-”

I cut him off. “William. I have some advice for you. Leave me alone.”

His face turned stormy. “You will never find happiness if you say 'no' to me. No man will marry you, despite your beauty and beautiful voice. Everyone thinks of you as flighty and uncaring. You are a disgrace to your family.” He looked at me like he'd triumphed.

Instead, I shrugged. “Well, at least now I know.” Suddenly, before William could respond, a call rang out and our fellow merfolk began to look up towards the surface.

“Humans!” someone cried excitedly. “Humans are coming!”

My heart jumped and I forgot my anger for a moment. I had yet to see a human in my life. This was the most exhilaration I'd felt in a long time. Without even glancing at the gaping William, I kicked my tail and flew up through the blue waters to the surface. Several others had joined me and we all searched the top water for a sign of the humans.

“I see a it! A ship!”

Our eyes all jumped to where the mermaid who had called out was pointing. Sure enough a large brown ship with white sails was on the horizon, getting closer and closer. A smile lit up my face. I was about to meet humans. Nothing could contain my joy. Nervous, I said, “Let's go check it out.” A few of the mer-people that were around me nodded with smiles and we dove forward to get closer to the approaching ship.
Last edited by MadameLuxestrange on Fri Jul 22, 2011 4:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it?
Fear makes the wolf seem bigger.
I got attacked by a swan.
  





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Thu Jul 21, 2011 6:59 am
theLockedLibrary says...



Ha-ha. Your character reminds me a lot like Ariel in the Little Mermaid with all her spunk, beauty, and desire to be independent. And not to mention, her interest in humans. This piece was a joy to read. It definitely sounded just like a mermaid with the whimsical behavior she, and William, possesses. Good job, can't wait for the next chapter.
Reading is the sole means by which we slip,
involuntarily,
often helplessly,
into another's skin,
another's voice,
another's soul.
  





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Fri Jul 22, 2011 1:28 am
Mjdwrite says...



This story pleases me! I cannot wait to read even more! Keep me updated please! The story line is revealing itself piece by piece and soon enough I will be tossed overboard with this story!

He was interested in nothing but his appearance and care to learn anything about the ocean and all it's magic. His long blonde locks were his only passion. All he could do was arrange them until they glimmered the way he wanted. “He cares only for his hair.”


This paragraph is quite repetitive. A way to fix this spot would be:

His only passion was arranging his long blonde locks until they glimmered the way he wanted. "Mother, he cares only for his looks."


He was interested in nothing but his appearance and care to learn anything about the ocean and all it's magic.


I do not understand this sentence. Could you clear this up because I am sure that this is very important and I want to follow along with the story.
"It is perfectly okay to write garbage – as long as you edit brilliantly" C.J. Cherryh
  





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Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:28 pm
JustMeNathalie says...



Hello! You are getting me addicted to your novella. (:

I love your characters so far. Though it hasn't been long to get to know the characters; they are great so far. Marina for example is already one of my favorite characters from anything that I've read on YWS. Though she does have *some* similarity to Ariel from A Little Mermaid and some other mermaids from different books. But, you added different aspects to her story then any other mermaid story. Great job.

I don't have any real constructive criticism or tips to say... in my opinion it's great so far. I can't wait to read more. (:

Keep Writing!
- JustMe
I don't obsess.

I think.

Intensely.

-----

Excuse me, I have work to do. Evil plots don't make themselves.
  





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Wed Aug 03, 2011 10:04 am
IcyFlame says...



Hey there! I'm back :)

This will be quite a useless review again, I'm afraid. You already have had some good ones and I don't have anything to add.

I'm liking the two PoV idea! It's nice to see a mermaid's story, because I haven't read one in a very long time. She does indeed remind me of Ariel from The Little Mermaid but I think that at the same time she has a lot of other character traits that make her different.

I'm enjoying reading this - keep up the good work!
  








For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle