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Thu Jul 21, 2011 5:03 pm
servant4christ says...



"Careful," urged Trisella. The tall blonde girl set her hands on her hips in a leader like fashion, and surveyed the old museum.
Ne'car, one of her compainions slowly edged away from the laser light, kicking up some dust on the way.

"Good, now follow me," Trisella whispered harshly.
Pennet, the real leader of thier group,the underground rebellion, rolled his eyes towards Rina's.
Rina was the smallest of their group, but she was also the quickest.She put her finger to her mouth and darted off into the shadows.
Pennet squinted into the darkness that Rina had disappeared into. He almost followed her but instead brushed his honey brown hair away from his face and kept on with his back to the lasers.
Trisella trained her sharp green eyes over the group and sighed with satisfaction.
Ne'car crawled after Trisella under the table that was holding various tools and artifacts. He was more of the strong silent type, he did what he was told usually.

Pennet gave a worried look in Ne'car's direction.

Rina had been known for her disappearing acts and almost always set some sort of alarm off. Not to mention Pennet felt more attached to Rina considering he had played older brother to her practically thier whole lives

Ne'car shrugged his shoulders and pointed to Trisella who was dusting some cobwebs off one of the many boxes in that room. They had been in the museum for hours and nothing had been turned up, just like all the other times.

"This has the symbol on it," She whispered. "This could be it."
-------0-------

Rina crawled away from the group. she had no intention of crawling around some old museum storage room,when the real information could be found in the offices. since she was the smallest of the group, she found it easier to go and do what she thought needed to be done rather than try to argue her point with the others.

Pennet was the only one who would listen to her. He listened to everyone with his bright expressive blue eyes making contact with thiers as they spoke rather than darting around the room. As if there was something better to do.

But not even Pennet would have followed her on this expedition.

It was too risky, and she had a reputation of getting caught.

Rina kept low to the ground as she snuck into one of the dark cluttered rooms.

The room was filled with mostly debris now, a few boxes and old filing cabnits scattered here and there.

Rina crawled over to the filing cabnits and pryed open one of the drawers. She coughed when the dust floated up.

She looked through the old documents. There were some registeries of the people who had died over the last ten years.Those folders were quite thick considering three fourths of the American population had been wiped out after the attack.

Then there were all the folders for the missing persons. They were thick as well, but not as thick as the ones for the dead.

Rina flipped through the folders as fast as she could careful not to set off an alarm. At the very end of the folders, Rina found an especially thick folder with the presidential seal on it. The folder was burned partially, like someone had tried to destroy it, but it was somehow saved and moved here.

We haven't had a president in over 50 years! What could they want destroyed so badly? she wondered.

Even more so she wondered who had saved the folder and left here in the museum.

She picked up the folder and turned it over in her hands.

It was definately weighted, there was something inside.

She carefully removed the packaging and the seals.

Something fell to the ground with a loud thump, it was an old casset tape with the words scrawled out on it "Last speech"

Rina shivered, this could be just what they had been looking for.

Maybe this was the tape that would explain to them what had happened!

Rina stood up forgetting about the lasers, one centered on her.
Whoop whoop whoop...

Not again, Rina cried in her mind.

She took off running towards the door stumbling over all the debris...
------0------

Rina ran up the stairs that had led to the offices of the museum to search for her friends.

They found her first.

"Rina! Thank goodness your alive! When we heard the alarms go off we feared the worst." said Pennet.

Rina looked around the small band of friends, she was very pleased to see they had all hung around anyway to see if she came out. It made her feel important.

But she had other priorities she needed to cover.

"You guys, you won't believe what I found in the basement!" she said breathlessly.

"What did you find?" asked Trisella only half interested.

"I found a tape, from a cabinate with the presidential seal on it!" cried Rina unable to contain her excitement.

No one said anything for a few seconds, all of their mouths were hanging wide open.

Trisella was the only one not amused with her discovery.

"Best bet is it's just like all the other ones we found." She said.

With that she flipped her long blonde hair importantlu and wallked away.

Rina grounded her teeth and started after her with a angry retort already rolling off her tongue.

Pennet held her back. "Let her go, she's not worth it if this is really the tape we've been looking for."

His words calmed Rina down for the time being. So she pulled the tape out from her pocket and handed it to Pennet.

Pennet's eyes grew large as he read the text on the tape.

"This is it Rina! You found it!" Pennet held his fist in the air in victory. "Wait until I show my father."

Ne'car kept his eyes glued to the door. It was very dark but he knew he saw someone moving.

"We're being watched," He growled deeply.

Trisella suddenly appeared from behind a box, "Guys, someone is in here with us. We have to go."

Pennet tucked the tape into the folds of his large jacket. He put a protective arm around Rina's shoulders and hurried her out of the room with Ne'car following closely behind with thier one and only gun.

Trisella ran in front of them since she was the only one who knew the way out.

Gun shots were fired from behind them....
Last edited by servant4christ on Thu Jul 21, 2011 11:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Sometimes you've just got to accept the way things are and move on, but not us...
  





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Thu Jul 21, 2011 6:53 pm
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LadyPurple says...



Red-spelling.
Blue-punctuation.
Green- capitalization.
"Careful," urged Trisella. The tall blonde girl set her hands on her hips in a leader like fashion, and surveyed the old museum.

Ne'car, one of her companions slowly edged away from the laser light, kicking up some dust on the way.

"Good, now follow me," Trisella whispered harshly.



Pennet, the real leader of their group, the underground rebellion, rolled his eyes towards Rina's.

Rina was the smallest of their group, but she was also the quickest. She put her finger to her mouth and darted off into the shadows.



Pennet squinted into the darkness that Rina had disappeared into. He almost followed her but instead brushed his honey brown hair away from his face and kept on with his back to the lasers.



Trisella trained her sharp green eyes over the group and sighed with satisfaction.



Ne'car crawled after Trisella under the table that was holding various tools and artifacts. He was more of the strong silent type; he did what he was told usually.

Pennet gave a worried look in Ne'car's direction.

Rina had been known for her disappearing acts and almost always set some sort of alarm off. Not to mention Pennet felt more attached to Rina considering he had played older brother to her practically their whole lives

Ne'car shrugged his shoulders and pointed to Trisella who was dusting some cobwebs off one of the many boxes in that room. They had been in the museum for hours and nothing had been turned up, just like all the other times.

"This has the symbol on it," She whispered. "This could be it."

-------0-------

Rina crawled away from the group. She had no intention of crawling around some old museum storage room, when the real information could be found in the offices. Since she was the smallest of the group, she found it easier to go and do what she thought needed to be done rather than try to argue her point with the others.

Pennet was the only one who would listen to her. He listened to everyone with his bright expressive blue eyes making contact with theirs as they spoke rather than darting around the room. As if there was something better to do.

But not even Pennet would have followed her on this expedition.

It was too risky, and she had a reputation of getting caught.

Rina kept low to the ground as she snuck into one of the dark cluttered rooms.

The room was filled with mostly debris now, a few boxes and old filing cabinets scattered here and there.

Rina crawled over to the filing cabinets and pried open one of the drawers. She coughed when the dust floated up.

She looked through the old documents. There were some registries of the people who had died over the last ten years. Those folders were quite thick considering three fourths of the American population had been wiped out after the attack.

Then there were all the folders for the missing persons. They were thick as well, but not as thick as the ones for the dead.

Rina flipped through the folders as fast as she could careful not to set off an alarm. At the very end of the folders, Rina found an especially thick folder with the presidential seal on it. The folder was burned partially, like someone had tried to destroy it, but it was somehow saved and moved here.



We haven't had a president in over 50 years! What could they want destroyed so badly? She wondered.

Even more so she wondered who had saved the folder and left here in the museum.

She picked up the folder and turned it over in her hands.

It was definitely weighted, there was something inside.

She carefully removed the packaging and the seals.

Something fell to the ground with a loud thump; it was an old cassette tape with the words scrawled out on it "Last speech"

Rina shivered, this could be just what they had been looking for.

Maybe this was the tape that would explain to them what had happened!

Rina stood up forgetting about the lasers, one centered on her.

Whoop whoop whoop...

Not again, Rina cried in her mind.

She took off running towards the door stumbling over all the debris...

------0------

Rina ran up the stairs that had led to the offices of the museum to search for her friends.



They found her first.

"Rina! Thank goodness you’re ("your" expresses possession and "you're" is "you are") alive! When we heard the alarms go off we feared the worst," said Pennet.

Rina looked around the small band of friends; she was very pleased to see they had all hung around anyway to see if she came out. It made her feel important.

But she had other priorities she needed to cover.

"You guys, you won't believe what I found in the basement!" she said breathlessly.

"What did you find?" asked Trisella only half interested.

"I found a tape, from a cabinet with the presidential seal on it!" cried Rina unable to contain her excitement.

No one said anything for a few seconds; all of their mouths were hanging wide open.

Trisella was the only one not amused with her discovery.

"Best bet is it's just like all the other ones we found," she said.

With that she flipped her long blonde hair importantly and walked away.

Rina grounded her teeth and started after her with an (sounds better with the word "an") angry retort already rolling off her tongue.

Pennet held her back. "Let her go, she's not worth it if this is really the tape we've been looking for."

His words calmed Rina down for the time being. So she pulled the tape out from her pocket and handed it to Pennet.

Pennet's eyes grew large as he read the text on the tape.

"This is it Rina! You found it!" Pennet held his fist in the air in victory. "Wait until I show my father."

Ne'car kept his eyes glued to the door. It was very dark but he knew he saw someone moving.

"We're being watched," He growled deeply.

Trisella suddenly appeared from behind a box, "Guys, someone is in here with us. We have to go."

Pennet tucked the tape into the folds of his large jacket. He put a protective arm around Rina's shoulders and hurried her out of the room with Ne'car following closely behind with their one and only gun.

Trisella ran in front of them since she was the only one who knew the way out.

Gun shots were fired from behind them....

Pwew! Ha ha it was hard to do this one, believe me, because my attention was led astray a few times... Okay! Anyway, I think the storyline is good. I really like the idea. I wanna explain some stuff though.
The places where I put semicolons in the place of where you put commas... a semicolon attaches two complete sentences together and when you have a comma instead of a semicolon then it's called a comma splice. I hope you understand because sometimes I feel like I'm confusing...
Next, I found only few spelling mistakes and I'm glad you didn't get too many :)
Third, a comma is put at the end of dialogue when you end it with something like, "she said." and you don't capitalize the "s" or "h" (if the character speaking is a guy) after a comma unless the character is doing something. Example:
"She told me to go home," he said.
"She told me to go home." He sat back in his chair.
I hope I get to hear more of the story though. It's really cool. And if you need help with anything then PM me, post on my wall, punch me. Well, good bye and write more!
~LP.
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Reviews: 12
Fri Jul 22, 2011 4:25 am
Ghost42 says...



Wow this is pretty good, i only spotted one small problem, you don't really have a clear time period. Other than that this is really good. Great Job!!
If there is one thing I never go anywhere without, it's my pencil.
Another thing, if schools don't allow wepons, then why do they allow pens? Because, if the pen is mighter than the sword, doesn't that mean the pen is a wepon too?
  





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Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:37 am
Wolfdancer95 says...



The layout was a little jarring, When someone spoke and the action is on another line, you can merge dialogue and action, and Lady Purple did a good job with the mistakes, other then that this might turn into a promising story.

A little more expandtion on sentances and paragraphs

"It was too risky, and she had a reputation of getting caught. "

This could be expanded on, you could add the last time she was caught, or how she escaped last time and all, give it more backstory to the actually character, not just the setting.
'I am the monster in your head.'~ Breaking Benjamin.
"Little voice I thought I got ride of? I have some advice for you: SHUT. UP."~ WolfDancer.
  








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